by Bonnie Dee
The road clearly wasn’t used at all any longer. More of a rough path than a road, and it was so overgrown I almost shot past the spot where our house had been. I stopped, backed up, and stared at the roof, which had collapsed between drunk-leaning walls. Nature had reclaimed the yard already, and vines grew over the ruins.
Gina had remained quiet during the drive, sensing my mood and giving me space. She was good about stuff like that. Now she asked, “Is this your old house?”
I nodded and stared some more, trying to feel any sort of connection to the place where I’d spent my entire childhood. But looking back at those memories was almost like watching someone else’s story. I hadn’t gone back here once after Jonah got us out of there.
“Want to get out?” Gina didn’t wait for an answer and opened her door.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to walk around. What was the point? But I got out and closed the door behind me, leaned against the car, and wished I had something to smoke, a cigarette, a joint, either one.
Gina came around to stand beside me. “It was a really small house.”
“Yeah. The three of us slept in one room, my mom and dad in the other.” I pointed. “The kitchen was there. The living room right there. And that’s about it. Oh yeah, there’s a basement too. That’s where most of the roof is now.”
The wind blew through the tree branches, a soothing sighing sound like ghosts.
“Any good memories?” Gina asked after a bit.
“Sure. We horsed around a lot, played football together out back. I fell out of that tree once and about broke my arm. Normal kid stuff. It wasn’t all bad here.”
“The hills are really beautiful. I wasn’t surrounded in nature like this growing up in Gary.” She slipped an arm around my waist and leaned to rest her head against my shoulder. Her warmth and weight felt good against my side.
I slid my arms around her and drew her in for a kiss, exactly what I needed to combat the particular memory that was hammering on the door, trying to break into my mind. I let my hands wander over her solid curves, real and present and a lifetime away from that memory. She kept me grounded. I only hoped I offered her something she needed as much as I depended on her.
After a bit, we broke apart to walk around the clearing and the ruin of my old house. But it was dangerous. There were abandoned things hidden under the long grass and crawling vines. Gina tripped over a piece of rusty metal, and I caught her arm before she fell. I dropped to my knees in front of her.
“Are you all right? Did it cut you?”
“I’m fine. Just stubbed my toe. Don’t worry.”
I rubbed her foot through her shoe and squinted against the sun to see her face. “I don’t know why I brought you here. It was a dumb idea.”
“No, it wasn’t. I think you needed to lay all this to rest.” She gestured at the house. “You’re saying good-bye.”
I followed her pointing hand, stared at the spot where the main room would have been, and let the memory wash over me. The world around me receded. Even Gina’s voice faded to a murmur. And I saw my mom, exactly how she’d looked the day I’d walked in to find her lying on the couch, intentionally OD’d on meds.
People who take pills to die think it’ll be a peaceful thing. They’ll just drift away. Maybe that’s true for them. But for the person who discovers the body, it’s anything but peaceful. Her eyes were wide open, staring at me, and I was young enough that I thought that meant she was alive. I tried to shake her awake. I tried for a long time after I realized she was dead, and then I ran screaming from the house to find Jonah.
Gina squatted down beside me and touched my arm. “You remembering her?”
I nodded, suddenly, ridiculously, too choked up to speak. Seeing my dad hadn’t done it, but being here, reliving that pivotal moment in my life… I was close to losing it and blubbering like a baby.
“Come here,” she ordered and pulled me against her. She wrapped herself around me, knowing exactly how to offer sympathy without making a big deal out of it. No I’m sorry or It must be hard, just her arms hugging me tight.
I drew a long, shuddering breath, then let it go. Not just the breath. All of it, the memory that still haunted my dreams some nights, and the feeling I’d always fought against. The if only I’d come home just a little sooner instead of messing around jumping my bike over the creek, I could have done something to save her feeling.
“You know it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have done anything,” Gina muttered against my neck as if she could read my mind.
“I know,” I replied, and maybe for the first time in my life, I actually believed it.
Chapter Five
Rianna
It was the day before our wedding, and the last thing Jonah or I needed was to be distracted by Clay demanding a parental visit. The previous night, we’d agreed to put it on hold and deal with him after the wedding. But that morning, there was another message on my phone.
Don’t ignore me. I just want to see my kid. Nothing else. Call or text. I’m free tomorrow.
I was staring at the message when Jonah walked into the bedroom. “Still thinking about letting him see Travis?”
I held out the phone. “Another message. But we’ll wait to respond until we decide what we want to do. Like you said, we should probably be considering a lawyer.”
He paused in the doorway, studying me with that dark, intense gaze. Usually it made me hot. Right then it made me squirm uncomfortably. He could read my feelings.
“You want to see him, don’t you? Maybe we should just do it. Get it out of the way. We could meet with…Clay, if he’s available.”
The way he hesitated over my ex’s name told me Jonah would just as soon have a dental procedure without anesthetic. But he’d do it. For me. That was the kind of man he was. He could put his personal feelings aside and look at something objectively. The exact opposite of erratic, emotional Clay, who was always on the edge of losing his shit.
I’d done good this time, chosen a man I not only loved but also admired, trusted, and could put my faith in. I shook my head. “No. It’s okay. We’ll stick with the plan. Wait till after the wedding to discuss it.”
Jonah sat on the bed beside me and took the phone, read the message. “But you’ve already decided. I know you need to at least see this guy to put him behind you. If we do it today, it wouldn’t be weighing on your mind anymore. The only question is whether we bring Travis with us.”
“No!” My first gut instinct was to protect Travis from having any contact with Clay, which says a lot about how I viewed the man who’d fathered my son. When we’d been with Clay, he’d been more neglectful than harmful—right until the end, when he’d beat me up and I truly understood his volatile temper could grow even darker and things would probably only get worse.
“Not yet. Not today,” I modified my exclamation. “We should sound him out first.”
Jonah nodded. “All right. Why don’t you set up a meeting? Sounds like he’s living nearby.”
I typed and retyped the message before I finally pressed Send. There was a lot I wanted to say, but better to keep it brief. A phone call was out of the question. I was afraid I’d ramble on and on, spilling all my thoughts and feelings, which was somehow easier to do over the phone.
Quicker than I expected, Clay responded, and we agreed to meet at a downtown restaurant. Nothing too serious could happen in public. Besides, I’d have Jonah right beside me the whole time. It wasn’t that I was afraid of Clay, more like I was afraid that I’d lose it and start tearing into him for things he had and hadn’t done. Jonah would help me keep things calm and civilized. He was my rock, my anchor, my everything.
Leah and J.D. offered to take care of Travis so we wouldn’t have to take him to the sitter.
“Micah and Gina are going out to see the area, but I’d be happy to take it easy today,” Leah said. “We’ll be happy to look after Travis for you.”
Travis threw a fit, first because he wanted to go
with Micah, whom he’d taken a shine to, then because he couldn’t go with Jonah and me on our errand.
Jonah picked up Travis’s thrashing body and looked him in the eyes. “Are you a big boy now?”
“Yes.” Travis calmed down the way he always did when Jonah gave him the face-to-face. He inhaled shakily and blew snot bubbles from his nose when he exhaled.
“You go to school now, and you know how to behave. You’re too old to throw tantrums when you don’t get your way. Men don’t act like that. They don’t kick and yell and throw things when something disappoints them. Got it?”
“Yes.” Travis rubbed a hand over his nose, smearing the snot.
“It’s too bad you can’t go with us, but that just isn’t going to happen today. We’ll see you soon, though.” Jonah pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and mopped Travis’s face clean, then set him back on the floor, calmed, disciplined, and reassured.
And all I had to do was stand back and watch. Seeing Jonah deal with our boy lifted a great weight off me. I wasn’t in this parenting thing alone anymore. I had a partner I could trust knew the right thing to do most of the time.
“We’ll have fun, I promise,” Leah said, reaching out a hand in Travis’s general direction.
J.D. bent down to talk to him. “You want to show us your toys? We can play a game, and your mom and dad will be back before you know it.”
Jonah and I scooted out the door while Travis was distracted. After it closed behind us, I grabbed him and gave him a big kiss. “You’re such a good dad, you know that?”
He smiled and ducked his head in embarrassment, but I knew he appreciated the compliment. Who doesn’t like being told they’re good at what they do?
Jonah and I might argue occasionally about how much discipline Travis needed or how to deal with a particular situation, but overall, we were on the same page. He was the real father to Travis that Clay could never be.
As if I weren’t already wired tight because of tomorrow’s wedding, facing my ex added a new layer of anxiety. The closer we came to our destination, the more my leg jiggled and I chewed my lip.
Jonah noticed my tension and reached over to take my hand. “It’ll be okay. This guy has no power over you. He never signed the birth certificate, right? So he’s got no legal claim to Travis. We’ll all act reasonably, and everything will turn out all right.”
“I don’t know. Reasonable never used to be in Clay’s vocabulary.” I looked over at Jonah. “You probably wonder what I ever saw in him. I was really young and really desperate to find love. Gran never gave me much in that department. I guess I thought sex meant a guy really cared about me. Clay was charming, and I fell like a ton of bricks. It’s embarrassing to look back at how naïve I was.”
Jonah shook his head. “Nothing to be embarrassed about. We’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t.” He gave me a weak smile. “My ‘girlfriends’ before you, for example.”
“Hm. Yeah.” I returned the smile.
Jonah used to pay for companionship, preferring an emotionless contract over messy involvement. Given his traumatic background, it wasn’t a surprise he believed relationships should be avoided. But Travis and I changed his mind, and it turned out he wasn’t just good at being in a relationship, he excelled.
We reached the restaurant I’d chosen for its quiet alcoves and nooks even during the lunch rush. Jonah parked, we got out, and I gritted my teeth before entering the building. “Here goes. Stop me if I try to gouge his eyes out with a fork.”
“Will do,” Jonah promised. “Hey...” He pulled me close, rested his hands on my shoulders, and gave me the same serious gaze he’d given Travis at home. “Don’t be afraid. I’m with you.”
“I’m not afraid exactly. I just… I wish he’d disappear forever and we didn’t have to think about this.”
“But he exists, and we have to deal with him. Maybe it’s best this way. Like you said, someday Travis is going to want to know about his bio-dad, so at least we should know how to find him.”
I nodded. Find him, yeah, but I hoped Clay wouldn’t become a barnacle clinging on to our ship, or a leech we couldn’t shake for the next fourteen years or so.
*
Jonah
“He looks ten years older,” Rianna whispered as we approached the booth where her ex sat. “Damn, he’s worn.”
Good. I couldn’t resist the sense of satisfaction at her reaction. Not that I’d expected she’d take one look at Clay and fall for him all over again, but it was kind of nice to know she no longer found this guy attractive.
As we drew near and he stood up, I could see why. There was a residue of the good-looking stud who had once swept Rianna off her feet, but mostly Clay Peters did look chewed up and spit out by life. Although he was only a couple of years older than Rianna’s twenty-two, his face was lined and had a puffiness about it.
His gaze shot back and forth between Rianna and me. “Who’s this?” he asked before even saying hello.
“My fiancé, Jonah. We’re getting married tomorrow.” Rianna folded her arms and tucked her hands under them. “How are you, Clay?”
“Better. Like I told you. I’m on the righteous path now, and I want to make amends.” He continued to weigh me with his stare.
Righteous and amends in one sentence. He was definitely on the AA path to salvation. I hoped it would work for him, but more importantly, I hoped he wouldn’t try to make his amends with Travis, using the boy like a tool to make Clay feel better about his progress.
I offered a hand to shake. Clay took it, and we both gripped too hard.
We sat facing him across a small table and an on-the-spot waitress chirped brightly as she poured water. “Gorgeous day, isn’t it? Can I get y’all something to drink?”
“Water’s fine,” Rianna said.
“Yeah.” Clay’s gaze locked on her, excluding me, and the hair on my neck rose. “You’re looking really good, Ray. How’s my boy?”
“Fine. What are you doing now? Where are you living?” She peppered him with questions.
“Here in the city. I got a job with public works. I’m almost sixty days sober, and I got my anger issues under control. You can trust me to be around Travis now.”
“I haven’t finished deciding on that.” Her mouth was a straight line. “That’s why we didn’t bring him today. I needed to see you for myself first.”
The man spread his hands. “I got nothing to hide. I’ve faced up to what I done in the past. I’m not that guy anymore, Ray.”
If he called her Ray one more time, I’d punch him in the nose. An image of this guy on top of Rianna, pumping into her, made every muscle in my body tense. I clenched my fists in my lap and wondered which of us had the anger management problem.
“That’s what you keep saying.”
“I only want to see him once or twice. I’m not asking for visitation rights.” Clay frowned. “I’m his father. You gotta give me that much.”
“I don’t have to give you anything. You never helped us, and—”
“You up and left. You didn’t give me a chance to.”
“Because you beat the tar out of me. And you had plenty of chances before that, the entire first year of Travis’s life to help take care of him or show any sign of caring about him.”
Now an image of this lump of meat using his fists on Rianna rose in my mind, and it was about all I could do not to lunge across the table at him. My expression must’ve shown that, because Clay finally looked at me—nervously.
“I told you, I was messed up then. I’m not now. Give me a chance.”
Rianna held up a finger. “One meeting. I’ll let you know when and where. But you should know, I’ll tell Travis you’re his biological father—not that he understands what that means—but Jonah’s adopting him as soon as we’re married. He’ll be Travis’s dad.”
“Not if I don’t sign off he won’t. I’m the boy’s real father.” There was an edge to Clay’s voice now, less pleading, more bullying.
Peters stared at me, the muscle in his jaw working. I saw how badly he wanted to defy me with an I’ll talk to her any way I want to. But I also saw he was a little afraid of me and wouldn’t shoot off his mouth.
Or maybe he really is trying to change and learn to control his temper, the reasonable inner voice that had always kept my own temper in check—back when I wanted to kill my dad or whup my idiot brothers—counseled me. I took a breath and relaxed back in my seat.
Luckily, the waitress returned with our drinks, defusing the tension. The cheery waitress glanced from one grim face to the next. “I’ll give you folks more time.” She sidled away.
Rianna had taken a beat to gather herself and spoke more calmly. “Listen, Clay, I appreciate you’ve turned over a new leaf and want to make amends. And you’re right. No matter what happened between us, Travis is your flesh and blood. You’ll meet him, and we’ll see how it goes from there.”
Limited access. I’d be goddamned if I’d let this guy take Travis away from our supervision. My kid wasn’t going to end up a kidnapping story on the news.
Clay’s jaw stopped twitching, and he swallowed his anger. “I can work with that.”
“Good.” Rianna took a sip of her water and shot me an anything you want to add? look.
“I guess that settles it.” I glanced at the ignored menus on the table. I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to go through the charade of sharing a meal and talking with this guy. I wanted to be back at home, getting ready for our wedding, with Clay a distant memory of Rianna’s rather than a thorn in our future.
“So you have a job with public works?” Rianna asked.
Clay shrugged. “Not much to say about it. A little road repair and sewer maintenance, but it’s honest work. My supervisor’s a dick though.”
He launched into the first of several stories to illustrate that fact while we sat and listened. He didn’t ask Rianna about her life, what she’d been up to since they split, how we’d met, or who I was. He didn’t even ask questions about Travis. The man seemed incapable of expressing interest in anyone but himself. He went from talking about his job to telling about his AA experience and painting a picture of how great things were going to be once he was reunited with his boy.