The Shadow and the Rose

by Amanda DeWees

  Chapter 7

  “She was my first,” he said. “First, and only.”

  “That—that child molester.” Joy’s voice was shrill with outrage. She wanted to rip Melisande’s hair out in big shining handfuls, gouge out her green eyes. “That monster. How old were you?”

  He sighed, with a weary look that made him suddenly look far older. “Sixteen. It’s okay, Joy. I knew what I was doing.”

  “The hell you did,” she shot back. “You were a kid, an inexperienced kid, and she took advantage of you. There’s a reason there are statutory rape laws, you know?” She was on her feet and almost shouting now. She had never felt as much hatred in her life as she felt for Melisande. “And how old is she, anyway? She’s got to be old enough to be your mother. Grandmother, maybe. My god, she should be in prison.”

  “Come on, take it easy.” He caught her by the hand. “I didn’t mean for you to feel like you had to avenge my honor. I… I wanted it to happen.”

  “Well, of course you did, after she told you how nobody understood you but her, and she’d take you away from everything. It would have turned anyone’s head.” He was still holding onto her hand, and when he gave it a tug she gave in and plunked back down onto the ground next to him. “That bitch,” she choked. “You should get a lawyer. Maybe it’s still not too late.”

  “I was legal—barely. And anyway, I didn’t tell you this to make you hate her.”

  “Yeah, well, I guess you should have thought things out better.” She couldn’t even look at him, she was so angry. When he reached out to touch her face she realized to her shame that she was crying.

  “I cry when I’m mad,” she told him, so that he wouldn’t think she was a ninny. “It’s just a reflex.”

  He nodded and said nothing. She took out a tissue and wiped her eyes, blew her nose. Finally she felt it was safe to talk again.

  “Go on,” she said. “What happened after—I mean, what happened next?”

  “Next, she had her pet lawyer get hold of my parents, and proposed herself as my legal guardian.” She gasped aloud at that, but he didn’t stop. “They must have been thrilled to palm off all responsibility for me. They signed me over right away.”

  Joy had not thought it possible to be any angrier than she already was, but she found she was wrong.

  “I don’t think they knew that we were lovers by then,” he continued. “I didn’t care at the time, but I hope now that they didn’t. As rotten as they are, I’d like to think they wouldn’t have knowingly signed me over to someone who was, uh, taking advantage of her position.

  “Anyway, then it was extreme makeover time. New name, new haircut, new clothes; personal trainer, tutoring, the works. And she did everything she promised: I got all the work I could handle, with high-profile jobs almost right away. I was doing shoots for watches, cologne, underwear, you name it. At nights I was going to the hottest nightclubs and dancing with the hottest women—and then going home with Melisande. And she was”—he tried to find words for her. “She was the sexiest woman I’d ever known. I was happier than I ever thought I could be.”

  I hate her more all the time, thought Joy. “What changed?”

  “I did, I guess,” he said slowly. “I started to be ashamed of myself.”

  “What for?” When he hesitated, she said, “From what you said before, I thought you were going to tell me something horrible about yourself, but I’m just not getting it.”

  He made an impatient gesture. “I was an idiot,” he said. “A greedy, shallow idiot. When I met her, all I could think about was the money, the glamour—the sex. Hell, she didn’t have to seduce me; I would have given anything to have what she was offering.”

  “Any guy in your position would have been dazzled, Tan. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Besides, you were in love with her.” She almost hoped he would contradict her.

  But he stared out over the lake in silence. Even in profile, he was so handsome it almost hurt to look at him. With his fine straight nose and his hair blowing back from his high forehead, he looked like a prince gazing over the parapet of a castle. “Yeah,” he said at last. “I guess I was.”

  She didn’t know why it hurt to hear him say it. “Well, there you go,” she said, trying to keep her voice brisk. “You’re not to blame for choosing to be with her.”

  “Maybe not at first. But even after I got to know more about the life she and her friends led I didn’t try to put up a fight. You saw that crowd last night. Superficial narcissists, not caring about anything more than clothes and clubs and photo ops. Changing lovers as often as they change their socks. Putting fortunes up their noses and into their arms.” He looked her in the eyes. “I’ve become one of them, don’t you see? I’m no better than any of them.”

  She started to understand. That was the cause of his bitterness that night in the graveyard. “I’m a dead man,” he had said. She wondered how often he escaped from Melisande’s crowd to go off by himself, to seek out places where he’d be completely alone. To get away from the life he’d come to despise.

  “You are so better than them,” she said sternly. “You just need to get away from them, get out on your own. Get away from her.”

  He was shaking his head before she finished speaking. “You don’t get it. There is no me away from them. I’m what Melisande made me. Without her, I’m nothing. No career, no job skills, just a high school diploma and a taste for expensive living.”

  “That’s ridiculous! You could do anything you want. Be anything you want.” When he didn’t reply, she rushed on. “How much longer before you’re free? When she’s not your guardian any more?”

  “The guardianship ends when I turn eighteen, in about seven months. My birthday’s in the first week of November.”

  It was further away than she had hoped, but she rallied. “Well, that gives us time to make plans. Even without her acting as your agent, you’re bound to be able to find work. And we can look for a place for you to live, where you can be on your own...” She came to a stop as she realized that she might be assuming too much. “I mean, if you don’t want to stay with her. But maybe you do.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Well, at the party last night, you were very… attentive to her.” All over her, she wanted to say, remembering the way they had kept touching each other, their hands seeking each other out. But she knew it would sound petty and jealous.

  He flinched. “Oh god, last night. Was I a complete jerk? It’s kind of a blur to me.”

  She thought of Clark’s theory, and ventured, “Were you high?”

  “No, I’m not into that. I had just—I was just tired.”

  His evasiveness made things click into place. His drowsiness. He’s getting dressed, Melisande had said. She felt stupid for being so slow to realize it: when she saw him at the party, Tanner had just come from Melisande’s bed.

  “Oh,” she said, her face burning. “I see.”

  He seemed to guess which way her thoughts were going, and he looked like he felt as uncomfortable as she did. “The thing is,” he said reluctantly, “she still has this… this power over me. That sounds lame, but it really feels that way. I’m not in love with her anymore, but I still, well, want her. I tell myself I’m going to quit her, but then when I’m with her, I just—can’t.”

  Unbidden, a picture flashed into Joy’s mind of the two of them in bed together, their perfect bodies passionately entangled. She winced away from the image. “What are you going to do?” she asked.

  His shoulders lifted in a tired shrug. “I wish I knew,” he said. “I can’t imagine being on my own again. And I don’t know what I’d do if she tried to make me stay. I’m afraid that if I was put to the test, I wouldn’t be a very strong person.”

  “I don’t know about that,” she said. “I think a lot of us find strength when we really need it. And maybe we’ll be strong enough together. I’ll help you in any way I can.”

  “Thanks,” he said, sounding surprise
d. “You’re sweet.” He reached out and gently drew his fingertips along the side of her face, ending at her chin. He held her chin cupped in his hand for a moment as he examined her face. She wondered what he was seeing. She also wondered if he was about to kiss her. She hadn’t quite worked out how she would feel about that when he released her and stood up.

  “I’d better get you back,” he said, “or I’ll get you into trouble.”

  She stood up as well, not sure if she was relieved or disappointed. “How about you? Will you be missed?”

  “They probably won’t notice I’m gone,” he said. “I don’t think any of that crowd wake up before sundown; they’re always up all night partying.”

  “But Melisande?” She hesitated to say the name, but it didn’t seem to bother him.

  “She’s okay with me leaving the compound when she’s sleeping. As long as I’m there when she’s up.” He took the Ninja’s key from his pocket and contemplated it for a moment, turning it over in his hand. “She gave me a choice, early on: my guitar or my bike.”

  “Seriously?”

  He nodded. “Giving up music was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I’m glad now that I made the choice that gives me some freedom.”

  He started up the bike, and she climbed on behind him in silence. Of all the things he’d told her about his life with Melisande, that seemed like one of the saddest.

  But worst of all was something he hadn’t even put into words: he was afraid of her.

  He dropped her off right in front of her dorm, and she was slightly taken aback, as she climbed off the bike and unfastened her helmet, to see that Gail Brody had been drawn by the sound of the motorcycle and had come to the door, where she had a full view of them. Joy held the helmet out to Tanner self-consciously.

  “Thanks for the ride,” she said, even though it was a ridiculously inadequate thing to say. He hadn’t cut off the bike, and before he could ride off she blurted, “Listen, wear your helmet, okay? You may not care about being safe, but I’d be really upset to learn that you were dead or in a coma.”

  He grimaced. “I should be so lucky. But okay, yeah, I’ll wear it. For you.” And this time he did kiss her. Just a quick, soft kiss on the mouth before he put on the helmet and rode away, but it sent a wave of warmth through Joy’s body and left her legs wobbly as she walked up the path to the steps where Gail was standing.

  “Hi,” she said, sure she was blushing.

  “That’s a really good-looking guy,” said Gail, cocking her head. “Someone you’ve known a long time?” Her tone was casual, but Joy knew that Tanner was being filed away in a mental database of campus visitors of questionable standing.

  “He used to be a student here,” she said. “I’ll give you all his personal info if you like. But later, okay?” and Gail smiled understandingly and stepped out of the doorway to let her through.

  She wasn’t the only one with questions, though. Maddie had witnessed their return from their room.

  “You let him kiss you?” were her first words as Joy opened the door.

  “Hi, Maddie. I’m fine, thanks. How are you?” said Joy dryly.

  Maddie was glaring at her, hands on her hips. “I thought you agreed with me that he’s a dog and that you don’t want him in your life. And now you’re running around with him and kissing him?”

  Joy gave a pointed sigh. “In the first place, Mom, no, I didn’t agree with any of that; I just didn’t feel like arguing with you. And in the second place, that was a very casual kiss. The kind that celebrities give each other instead of shaking hands.” This was the theory she had evolved during the walk up the stairs to their room. Certainly she had seen a lot of casual kissing at Melisande’s house. Tanner hadn’t meant anything by it, she was sure. The fact that she had such a dramatic reaction to his touch didn’t mean that he felt the same thing.

  Maddie was far from satisfied, though. “So where did the two of you go? Is he putting the moves on you? Are you going to see him again?”

  “Maddie, honestly!” Joy cried. “I don’t see why you’re so upset. You’re always going out with guys I don’t know, and I never interrogate you about what you do with them. What’s the big deal?”

  “It’s a big deal because you need protecting.” Her face was stormy. “I don’t want you to get into a dangerous situation. I really don’t trust this guy, Joy.”

  “Well, I do, and I think I know him a little better than you do.” Joy flopped onto her bed and picked up a book to signal that the discussion was over. Maddie reached over and yanked the book away.

  “Listen,” she said, sitting down next to her. “You’re a virgin, right?”

  Joy stared at her. “What does that have to do—”

  “Simmer down, I’m not saying it’s a character flaw. I just mean that you don’t have as much experience as I do with guys, and that makes you vulnerable. I don’t want you to get hurt.” A lopsided smile. “You’re kind of like a sister to me, and I feel like I need to look out for you.”

  This was both touching and exasperating. “I appreciate the thought,” said Joy, “but Mads, you’re not my bodyguard. It’s not your job to protect me. And besides”—she was careful to keep her tone matter-of-fact—“there’s nothing to protect me against. He’s not interested in me that way.”

  “Hmph.” Maddie got up to rummage in the drawer of her nightstand, and to Joy’s horror produced a handful of condoms. “Take these.”

  “Are you crazy? I’m not going to need those.”

  “You never know.” When Joy didn’t take them, she tucked them into Joy’s handbag where it hung from the back of her desk chair. “I want you to promise me you’ll always keep some with you. I’m serious.”

  Joy couldn’t believe how stern Maddie looked. The whole idea was ridiculous. And besides, “What’s Tanner going to say if he finds out I’m carrying condoms around?”

  “He doesn’t have a right to say anything, considering that he’s obviously been getting it on with Queen of the MILFs.”

  She didn’t want to be reminded of that. “But what will he think of me?”

  “That you’re smart,” said Maddie, plunking back down on the bed. “And maybe optimistic.”

  “Deluded, you mean.”

  “I don’t think so. From what I saw, he looked interested.”

  She shook her head. “He’s spent the last year and a half surrounded by the most beautiful women in the country,” she said. “I don’t think I’m going to turn his head.”

  “But the women in Melisande’s entourage were all empty-headed egomaniacs,” Maddie pointed out. “You’re a much nicer person than they are.”

  Joy gave her a look. “Since you’re the more experienced one, Maddie, you tell me: are guys more likely to go for a nice plain girl or a self-absorbed bombshell?”

  “Hmm,” said Maddie. “Good point. This round goes to you, little sister.”

  That evening, though, as Joy sat at the piano and picked her way through her new piece, she couldn’t stop her mind from wandering. After being with someone as sexy and experienced as Melisande, could Tanner actually be interested in Joy? She tried to imagine seducing him as Melisande had done, and gave up. It was ludicrous to imagine herself, short and plump, in place of slender, shimmering Melisande. Melisande was in a whole other class.

  But tasting his blood? She shivered. That didn’t seem seductive; it was just creepy. Surrounded by her court of impossible perfection, chilly and ageless and exquisite, she seemed… inhuman? More than human?

  There was a dark side to Melisande, Joy was sure. She wondered just what the woman was capable of doing to her favorite if he made a bid for independence.