by Cassie May
“No! No that is not what I meant, cara. I mean, Noemi is like a princess in the mafia. Her father is the brother of the old boss and Luca is only a soldier. A good and honorable one, but a soldier nonetheless. If she ever gets together with a mobster it should be a higher rank.”
“Fuck you, Matteo! Do you understand me? Fuck you for your fucking snobbish attitude! A higher rank? Do you even listen to yourself? Luca has been nothing but honorable in the last weeks. He got a shitty job and yet he does it. He never complains, is never angry. He helped me a lot in the shop, but you wouldn’t know, because you only appear if you want sex! Luca is a great man and if Noemi decides she want to give him a chance I would cheer for them, because even if he is only a soldier he deserves love.” Matteo seems completely stunned at my outburst, but I never liked snobbish people. And I would have never thought that he could be one of them. “I thought you of all people would think that everyone deserves love, Matteo. Since you made me love you.” My voice sounds sad and I am. I am sad that I have to see this side on him.
He pales and grabs my hand. “Val… Cara… I… You love me?”
Slowly I nod. “Of course I love you, but right now I don’t want to see you anymore. Call me tomorrow if you want, but only if you keep that attitude to yourself. Don’t worry about my security. I will stay in the house and lock every door till Luca is here. I will be safe. Good Night, Matteo.” With that I exit the car and run to the house so that he doesn’t see the tears running down my face. I never pictured myself saying him that I love him like this. I imagined it to be more romantic and that he says it at first. Feeling like a complete fool when he doesn’t even call after me I open the door with shaking fingers, slip inside and lock everything. Then I make my way over to the kitchen. I know where Jess is hiding her secret stash and it is time for me to meet an old friend.
Food has never failed to comfort me. Opening the first bar of chocolate I swallow it with two big bites followed by a hand full of crisps and marshmallows. Before I know it there are a shit ton of wrapping papers and empty bags strewn around me and I feel the welcomed need to throw up. Dashing to the small guest toilet I am almost too late. Bend over the cold porcelain bowl I lose everything I have gorged a few minutes before while more tears run down my face.
When a cold wet cloth is pressed in my neck I shriek and jump up. A desolate looking Luca is holding a wet wash cloth in his hands while shaking his head. “Valerie, what are you doing here? I saw the kitchen and…” When I burst into tears again he stops talking. Instead he lifts me in his arms bridal style and carries me over to the couch in the living room. “What’s wrong, beautiful? What did Matteo do?”
Sniffling I try to wipe away the tears. “Why do you know that Matteo did something?”
He snorts. “Please, I might be a mere soldier, but I know if you are sick he would be here to take care of you. The fact that he isn’t shows me that something went wrong in the short time when I brought Noemi home.” His arms tighten around me before he starts speaking again. “Valerie why are you hurting yourself like this? I know what you did and I make a wild guess and say that it was not the first time.” His voice is not judgmental, more curios and I hide my face in his chest.
“No it wasn’t.” My voice is muffled by his shirt and he hugs me closer. “When my parents died I felt like I lost control. I began eating and eating and when I saw how much weight I gained I decided to take at least control over this part of my life back. I began throwing up after eating. I guess I loved food too much to get anorexic.” My lame joke doesn’t earn a grin from him, instead his dark eyes look seriously at me. “Of course I didn’t had control. No one ever has control over an eating disorder. It got worse and worse; I ate in secret only to throw up over and over again. My whole being concentrated around eating and throwing up again. It was a horrible cycle. I couldn’t get out alone and finally I asked my therapist for help. She already knew what I was doing, but she never forced me to stop. There is no reasoning with people who suffer from an eating disorder. My waking up call came one night when I was bent over the toilet once again. I hated myself so much for losing control, because that was what I was doing. And then somehow I heard the voices of my parents tell me that they are still loving me, but that they don’t want to see me suffer anymore. They asked me to get help and the next day I went to my therapist and she checked me into rehab. I spent a half year in a facility for people like me and learned to eat normally again. Jess was my rock during that time. She pushed aside her own problems for the time being and helped me keep everything in order. She doesn’t know or understand why I fell in the clutches of bulimia, but she helped me get out. I don’t say that I am healed, I don’t think anybody is ever fully healed and I have relapses, as you saw. Sometimes when I am really stressed or upset I get the need to fall back into old behaviors.”
“What stressed you out today? What did Matteo do? Everything seemed all right when I left you.”
I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want him to know how low Matteo actually thinks of him. He is his friend, or the closest thing to a friend these people can have. “Did you bring Noemi home? Was she okay?”
He chuckles and pushes me next to him on the couch. “Yeah, she was okay. Did you and Matteo argue about me and her? I saw how she watched me and how you watched us together. You were hoping for something more, weren’t you?”
“Is it so unusual for you people to find a woman? I mean, you are allowed to fall in love and marry and all that, aren’t you?”
He shrugs. “It is not that easy, Valerie. You have to learn a lot more about the way the mafia works. I have been born a soldier. I can climb up the ranks. I did climb up, but I have no own soldiers under me. Not in the original sense. I am head of the boss’s security. He might see a trusted associate in me, I hope he sees me like some kind of friend, but I will never ever climb high enough to deserve someone like Noemi. And I don’t ever want her to get pulled in this life. I had no other choice, but her dad did everything he could to keep her out. I won’t disrespect his work. She deserves a better life than being pulled in a crowd full of criminals and shady deals. You do as well, but I don’t think Matteo is going to let you go, not even if you wanted to.”
“I don’t want to leave him. I am not afraid of this life, but I might have driven him away with the way I behaved earlier. He said the same things like you, but I got so angry. It sounded so snobbish and arrogant and I couldn’t believe that he would begrudge you if you found love. I told him that he can only come back if he stops with that behavior. I like you, Luca. You deserve love how everyone deserves it.”
He smiles, but the expression in his eyes tells me that he doesn’t believe me. “Whatever you say, Val. Now go to sleep. You look exhausted. I’ll clean up the kitchen. Don’t worry too much, I am sure Matteo comes around.” With that he helps me from the couch and pushes me towards the stairs to my room.
Reluctantly I leave him alone, sensing that the talk is over for him. I just hope that he is right and Matteo calls me tomorrow. With a heavy head and an even heavier heart I lay down in my bed and immediately the exhaustion makes me fall asleep.
Chapter 19
Matteo
Cursing I look after Valerie’s retreating form. How could this day turn so bad? It seems as if one moment I want to pick up my woman to spend a nice evening with her and the next all goes to hell and I don’t even know if she wants to see me again. I know that Jess is out of town with Sandro and Domenico, so I wait in front of the house till I see Luca arriving. Without acknowledging him I drive away. Knowing that Valerie is safe calms me a little bit. Driving through the town I think about where everything went wrong. I don’t understand why it was so bad what I said about Luca being not the right person for my cousin. I respect him and wish him to find what I have with Valerie, even though now I feel even more unworthy of her love than before. Coming to a sudden halt I remember her last words. Since you made me love you. Fuck! I need help with this situation.
It is out of question for me that I love her as well, since it is almost unbearable for me to stay away from her for so long. Only the thought that it is safer for her not to be seen with me makes me keep my head on straight.
Finally I come to a stop in front of my brother’s condo. Nodding to the doorman I take the stairs to clear my head some more. Without knocking I enter the condo and am greeted by two of my brother’s guards. They step back immediately and nod towards the library, indicating my brother’s whereabouts. I knock shortly and enter the library. My brother doesn’t visibly show his surprise to see me. He just gives me a short hug and motions to the two big armchairs. Sitting down I let out a deep sigh.
“So what brings you here? I thought for sure you would spend your evening with your woman, not with your grumpy brother.” He grins and sounds somehow relived that I am here. I can only imagine how lonely his life has gotten since becoming the head of the mafia and slowly getting estranged with his wife followed by the deep betrayal she has done. To him and to us.
“We had a fight. I don’t really know why. One moment everything was good and I picked her up from the bakery and then – boom – she flipped out, told me that I am a snobbish asshole and that I should get my shit together before seeing her again.”
My brother raises one eyebrow and leans back in his chair. “Had it something to do with Noemi and her pig at the bakery?”
“How do you know that?”
“I was there. I only wanted a panettone and to escape a moment from the shitty weather. Noemi and that damn pig were there as well, making kissy eyes at Luca.” He delivers all this with a calm and cool demeanor that surprises me.
“You didn’t say anything? How could you let her stay there with him?”
I see the muscles in his neck tense. “Did you say it like that in front of Valerie? Were you that negative about the idea of Noemi and Luca together when you talked about them with her?”
I shrug. I don’t want to rehash my whole fight in front of him. His laugh makes my head snap up. “Oh damn, brother. I never picked you to be stupid. Valerie is not used to the way things are done in the mafia. She doesn’t know or care about ranks. Luca seems like a good man to her because he became her friend in the last weeks. She doesn’t know what he did for the Family, what was done with him and the anger that sleeps inside of him. She likes him and for people like her, normal people, that is enough to plan their lives. To wish them all the best.”
“So you wish it as well? You wish that our cousin, a princess in our ranks, hooks up with a better enforcer.”
“Careful, brother. You know as well as I do that Luca is way more than a mere enforcer. I trust him with my life and with the life of my brothers loved woman. You and he are the only two men in the world I would turn my back to willingly. He is my brother like you are. Just not in blood, but in heart and you would do good in accepting that.” His lecture makes me bristle in the beginning. I am a grown man and don’t need my brother or my woman lecturing me on my behavior. But the longer he talks the more I understand what has upset Valerie so much. It’s not about who you are or what you were born to do. It’s what you do with the possibilities that are offered to you. How you play the cards that are dealt to you.
“Damn. I think I am more old-fashioned than I thought.” I have to make it up to Valerie. But how?
“Just tell her that she was right and you are sorry. Women dig that.” My brother seems to have read my thoughts and I look at him in surprise. I never got the impression that he really made an effort with Clara. Why does he dole out tips on how to handle women? He sounds right, though. It wouldn’t hurt to try.
“Have you ever loved her?”
My brother’s eyes shoot up to me at the unexpected question. A question I have never dared to ask. It never seemed important and I expect him to brush me off, but he doesn’t. “No. I never loved her, but that was also not the reason we got married. It was expected from me to marry her. It was important for the Family. I hoped we would grow on each other and at first it seemed to work, but after a while when I wouldn’t let her get pregnant she dropped the act and became the bitch she has always been. I threw money in her direction to make her shut up, but I think she expected more from that relationship with me. She expected lavish parties, rubbing elbows with the rich and famous of this city. What she didn’t know was that most of these people prefer interacting with us in the shadows. I could have forced invitations to galas and openings and what the fuck do I know, but I never was interested in that. It was not necessary and most people prefer to not see us at these kinds of shindigs. She never wanted to accept that and yeah. Here we are now with my wife stealing money from me. Great, huh?”
I decide not to answer that question. Instead I pour him another shot of whisky and we both toss it down while not even flinching at the burn of the alcohol in our throats. “I think I might use your guestroom tonight I have to think about how to make it right with Val again and I already don’t feel like driving anymore.”
My brother nods and extends his hand. “Give me your phone. I don’t want you to call her in the middle of the night and fuck it up even more. I said it to you before. At least one of us should have a chance for true love.”
“When did you become so wise, Rico?” I smirk at him while laying my phone on the table.
“You know how it is, little brother. I got the brains, you got the brawns”, he jokes which raises a surprised smile from me. What is going on with him? He should be angry and maybe even a little bit sad about the fiasco his marriage became, but he seems almost relieved that it ended like this.
“Yeah, right. Don’t forget I got the beauty, too.” He snorts and punches me in the arm which makes me groan in pain. No brawns all right, big brother. Since it seems like he is in an almost good mood I decide to push my luck and ask him something I have thought much about since I told Valerie about it.
“Do you sometimes think about Antonio and what he is doing?”
I see my brother tensing and his spine going rigid while his face closes off. Obviously this is a topic we still don’t talk about. “No.” That is all I get before he stands up and leaves me alone in the library. I hear something crashing somewhere in the condo and I know I overstepped. Damn I do understand why it is hard on Rico to talk about our baby brother. For him, Antonio has left us alone and you don’t leave your family alone. Ever. No good Italian does it. Good thing that I have never told Rico that I sometimes check on Antonio and his career. He does not need to know that. Yet.
Chapter 20
Matteo
After a short night of tossing and turning in Rico’s guest room I decide to pay Valerie a visit before going back on the streets. Theresa messaged me yesterday that she is onto something and might need my help today so I have to make it right with Valerie as soon as possible. Following Rico’s advice I stop by several small shops on my way to the bakery. I buy six red roses and park in front of a still pitch black bakery. Picking the lock and disabling the security system I enter quietly and slip in the kitchen. There I go to work and prepare my surprise for Valerie. Shortly before she has to arrive I drive my car around a corner so that she doesn’t get suspicious and then wait in the dark shop.
When I hear a key turning in the lock and then the beep of the alarm system I exhale relieved. I never realized how eager I was for her to come here. Her sweet voice melts something in me till I realize what she says. “Luca, I think someone is or was in here. It feels wrong. As if something has changed in here.”
Cursing Luca rushes through the shop without turning on a light and then enters the kitchen after telling Valerie to stay put. At least he does his job right. I make a mental note to apologize to him as well. “Luca, it’s me. Sorry I forgot to message you. I am here to make it right with Valerie again.” My voice is a quiet whisper and as soon as I finished I feel his hand on my throat.
“You fucking asshole. I told you not to hurt her and then you go and spew all that shit to her yesterday. Sh
e was devastated and I could barely calm her down. She even wanted to keep the shop closed today, because she felt that bad. You could have at least messaged her tonight so she knows that you are still with her. She is convinced that you are going to kick her to the curb. She has already said good bye to Sandro and every time she looks at me she almost bursts into tears because she thinks you are going to tell us off on the security detail. I don’t think I want to leave her with you right now. She’s too vulnerable.” Hearing him telling me how much I really hurt my woman makes me grit my teeth. I never intended for her to be hurt by my actions.
“I am sorry for what I said yesterday. I am sorry that my words were disrespectful. Not only towards Valerie, but also towards you. You have been like a brother to me and I realized that I am way too old-fashioned in my head, even though I don’t want to be like this. I trust you and I am sure that you deserve whatever woman you lay eyes on one day.”
In the dim kitchen I see his eyes widen in surprise shortly before we both hear Valerie’s nervous voice. “Luca? Are you all right? Is there someone in the kitchen?”
“Ehhhm, yeah, there is someone, but I think you might want to come and see for yourself.” Luca shouts back and then steps away from me. Massaging my throat I hope my voice sounds normal when she gets in here. She doesn’t need to know that Luca almost strangled me.
Suddenly the lights go on and I blink against the sudden brightness. “Matteo? What… what are you doing here? What does all that mean?” Valerie motions around with her hand and tries to take all in. She looks at the roses in the crystal vase and the arrangement of fruits and breakfast treats I put on the table for us.