Devil's Choice

by Graham Wilson

  The doctor said she would look at a blood smear this afternoon and should have the rest of the results by tomorrow, saying, “I will telephone you when I have looked this afternoon. It should be about half past five.”

  Catherine felt sick with worry and she could tell from the strain on her mother’s face that Lizzie was feeling something similar. They decided they would treat Amelie to an ice-cream, a treat for being so brave. Now she was jumping with delight as if nothing could possibly be the matter. They both agreed that she suddenly did not look sick at all, but somehow neither believed she was magically better. They both tried to block the anxiety from their minds but it was no use.

  Catherine finally said, “Oh Mum, there is something about the way that the doctor talked, after he looked at Amelie, that makes me feel sick to the bottom of my stomach, I am just so, so scared.”

  Her Mum said nothing but came and hugged her tightly, saying, “We have got through bad things together before. So now, whatever it is, we have to do the same. We must try and help each other be brave.”

  Catherine nodded, feeling tears prick her eyes. They walked aimlessly along the street for a while and ended up taking Amelie to the park down near the school where there were some swings and roundabouts and a few other little children, as it gave something to distract Amelie and keep them from their worry.

  Now Amelie was yawning and looking tired again so they brought her home and tucked her into bed. There was no protest and that was unusual, she rarely went to bed willingly.

  In Catherine the sinking feeling grew even stronger. She just knew there was something seriously wrong with her little girl though she had no idea what it could be and could not bear to even let herself think about it. So she sat on her bed in a mind numbed state until finally a noise downstairs alerted her that the others were home.

  They had a great day out and fishing and a booty of several fish they all proudly displayed. It was only after five minutes that Mathew said, “Where is my little girl?”

  Catherine found herself unable to speak, she looked at Mathew with imploring eyes as if wishing she could stop him from knowing and at the same time she could make it all alright.

  Finally Lizzie spoke, rescuing the silence. “She is sick and sleeping. We are actually quite worried about her and took her to the doctor after lunch.”

  Mathew frowned and looked puzzled, “But she was bright as a button and so full of life yesterday. How can it be something too bad, or if it is she should be in hospital. Tell me what happened.”

  Now Catherine found her voice, knowing that it was up to her to explain. “When we took her to the doctor I thought she might be coming down with chicken pox or mumps of something like that. She was very tired this morning and did not want to eat. Then I saw funny blotches on her skin and gums and she had lumps under her arms.

  “So we took her to the doctor, thinking he would say she was just coming down with a virus. At first, when he looked at her, it was like he thought that too. But then, as he looked more closely, you could see his manner change. You could tell he was worried too, he took some blood to do some tests, and said he should have some first results about five thirty.

  “I have been thinking since that if it is not clear what the problem is maybe we should bring her up to hospital where they can treat her with antibiotics and fluids and things like that.

  “After we brought her to the doctor we gave her an ice cream which she ate happily and then we took her to play in the park. But after a little while you could tell she was tired and so I brought her home and put her back to bed and she has stayed there ever since. I was sitting in there with her when you came home and she stayed fast asleep. It is amazing that she has not woken up with all the noise.”

  As she finished speaking she heard a little noise. There was Amelie standing at the door with her arms up. “Mummy and Daddy I feel sick.”

  Mathew was closest and scooped her up in his arms. The way he hugged her so tenderly almost brought tears to Catherine’s eyes.

  Please God, she prayed in her mind, let my little girl be OK, not just for her sake but for mine and most of all for Mathews. He loves her so much and I can not bear it for him if anything bad was to happen to her. It was like she could suddenly see this huge shadow sitting not just over her but over him as well.

  At that moment the phone in the hall rang, starting them all. It was only just coming up to five o’clock and seemed too early.

  Mathew handed Amelie to Cathy and went to pick up the phone. She realised it was the doctor as Mathew spoke, “Hello Doctor Roberts, Yes it is Mathew here. My wife, Catherine, brought our little girl, Amelie, to you today to look at. Do you have some results of the tests?”

  There was silence, all they could do was watch Mathew’s face, and slowly a glassy and shocked look came over it as he listened. Finally he put down the phone, saying, “Yes we will do that straight away.”

  Catherine tried to connect with his eyes but all she could see was shock in them. She asked, what did he say.

  Mathew shook his head as if trying to clear his own thoughts enough to speak. “He did not say anything specific really, again it was what he did not say.

  “He said he has some initial blood results and they are of very serious concern and he would like us to both bring Amelie down to the hospital where he will meet us. He has arranged for a specialist and him to meet us there at half past five, so the specialist can examine Amelie too and give his own opinion. He also said he thinks it will be best if Amelie comes into hospital tonight as they need to do a lot more tests in the morning. So I have said we will be there then to meet them both.”

  There was a sort of stunned silence when no-one quite knew what to say.

  Finally Lizzie spoke. “Do you want us to come with you or would you prefer to go on your own?”

  Catherine breathed deeply to calm her racing heart and finally said. “Perhaps it would be best if just Mathew and I went, too many of us will get in the way. The rest of you are probably best to go home to Gran’s. We will ring you when we have some more news.

  Lizzie nodded. “Of course.” She started to pack up and tidy away the things, saying, “Perhaps you should pack some clothes and toys for our little girl, I just wish we could bring her car in with her too as that would make her happiest, perhaps even the dolls’ house as well.”

  That made everyone laugh, even Mathew, and broke the tension.

  Catherine passed Amelie back to Mathew. “Perhaps you could see if she needs to go to the toilet and wash the ice cream off her face and I will pack some things for her,” she said.

  He nodded.

  Amelie wriggled free of his arms, “Daddy put down to go to toilet, big girl now.”

  Mathew nodded and followed her down the hall.

  The Dreaded Word

  When they arrived at the hospital they were shown into a private room where two people sat, conferring in low voices.

  Mathew led the way in, Catherine with Amelie in her arms following. There were brief introductions, Mathew to Dr Roberts and them both to Dr McPherson, the specialist.

  Mathew turned to Dr Roberts and said. “Please, we need to know why you are so concerned. I am happy to have a second opinion but first we need to know what it is about.”

  Catherine could see Dr Roberts did not want to say, but knew he must. He looked away at the specialist, he looked at her and then back at the specialist. Finally he looked at them both, composed himself, took a deep breath and said. “After I finished seeing patients this afternoon I did a blood smear of your daughter’s blood. It fitted with my worst fears. What I saw was huge numbers of white cells in the smear and lots of them are abnormal. I am afraid I think your daughter has leukaemia, that is cancer of the white blood cells.”

  Catherine saw Mathew sway as if hit by a passing truck. The doctor grabbed his arm to steady him. Mathew spoke back, “But Doctor, how can that be, we have a beautiful little girl who only yesterday had her second birthday party. S
he ran around and danced like a crazy thing, there was no stopping her. Today you are telling us she is sick with an awful disease that could kill her. It just does not make sense.”

  Now the specialist took over, “Mr and Mrs Jamison. I think it would be best if we all sat down and tried to talk this through. But first I would like to examine your daughter myself and confirm my colleague’s findings.”

  They both nodded.

  The man had a friendly smile and his manner was somehow reassuring, despite the awful news. He turned to Amelie and said. “I was hoping you would come and sit on my lap for a minute and open your mouth nice and wide so I can have a look inside.”

  Amelie nodded, she too seemed to trust this man.

  Catherine passed her across to Dr McPherson and he pulled out a little toy, one of those snow displays where you shake it up and all the snow comes drifting down over the people and houses. He shook it and showed it to Amelie and she looked with wide eyes.

  He said, “If you are really good and let me have a careful look at you, in your mouth and under your arms, you can keep that for tonight. Would you like that?

  Amelie nodded enthusiastically. So she sat still for five minutes and he examined her carefully. Then he lifted her onto her own seat and gave her the promised toy. She sat there shaking it and watching the snow fall, lost in her own child’s world of imagining. It was somehow comforting to Mathew and Catherine to see her so absorbed.

  Then the Dr McPherson turned to them and said. “I am sure this is very frightening for you. That is why Doctor Roberts asked me to come in and try and explain it to you, to help you understand what it means. It does not necessarily have to be as bad as the L or C words sound.

  These days, with early treatment, most children your daughter’s age do get better. It is hard for us all but I do not want you to lose hope, there is a good chance if we get the treatment underway quickly that Amelie will make a full recovery. I cannot promise you this but the chances are in our favour, seeing you have picked it up so early when she is barely showing signs of being sick.

  They forced themselves to listen and try to understand. The two doctors showed then Amelie’s blood smear and then a normal blood smear. They pointed out the normal white blood cells called lymphocytes which were just seen occasionally in the normal blood smear. Then they showed them their daughter’s blood smear. Here were lots and lots more of these lymphocytes, including ones with different centres which they called lymphoblasts. They said these were the cancer cells, which were being produced in large numbers in the bone marrow, and were now spilling out into her blood and also forming lumps in her lymph glands.

  Then they explained that tomorrow they would do a full blood count, X-Rays and a range of other tests and, once they knew fully what they were dealing with, they would start treatment. The first treatment would be a medicine in a drip that they would run into her. It was a drug to kill the bad cells in her blood and bone marrow. It may make her hair fall out, and it would make her feel sick for a few days but its purpose was to kill all the cancer cells. It would involve two drugs given over about a week and then Amelie would have to spend a couple weeks in hospital under close observation to ensure that the cancer cells went away and her normal bone marrow cells recovered.

  After that they expected Amelie would get much better. Then she would have to have regular checks to make sure the bad cells did not come back into her blood or bone marrow again.

  Finally the specialist said. “You do not really have to leave her here tonight you know. If she would be happier at home with you, then you can bring her home and just bring her back for the tests in the morning. In fact until she begins treatment she can stay at home, treatment won’t begin for two or three days yet, not until the other test results are in.

  Amelie seemed to understand the words “go home”, she was nodding enthusiastically to that. As they were leaving Catherine said to Dr Roberts, Could you ring my mother, Lizzie, and explain to her what you said to me, she and my father and my Gran will want to know, and you can explain it much better than me. I want to take my little girl home now. She wrote the phone number down.

  Mathew nodded, then said, “Thank you from both of us for telling us the truth.”

  The doctor’s both nodded; there was no more to say.

  So they brought Amelie home and sat her with them on the lounge, all watching television together. Neither Catherine of Mathew felt they could eat, but they made up dinner for Amelie and took turns feeding her spoonfuls. She ate a big plate, then fell asleep sprawled across both their laps.

  They talked quietly together so as not to disturb her. They both wished they could rewind the clock now and put their world of yesterday back together again. Soon the words dried up and for a while they both looked at their daughter. She looked so perfect despite this awful thing inside her.

  The night drifted on, television barely seen. They sat their side by side, both lost in their thoughts and barely speaking. Finally, roused by the midnight chime, Mathew said, “I keep thinking, I wonder if those chemicals they sprayed me with in Vietnam and which seem to have caused all my shakes could have caused this too. I will kill all those American bastards if I find it is true.”

  Now Catherine felt really scared, there was a hard madness to his voice that scared her almost more than what was happening to her child. She wrapped her arms around his body which was now trembling and said. “Please Mathew, please; we have to be both strong for Amelie, let us not let ourselves think like that.”

  Mathew nodded to her, as if trying to agree, but there was no conviction in his manner.

  Packing up to return Amelie at the hospital the next day was the hardest thing Catherine had ever done. They had arranged to come be back at the hospital at ten o’clock.

  First they had called around to her Gran’s place where the rest of her family were staying. They had a cup of tea and toast while they had talked about what was to happen. Amelie was only allowed a drink of fruit juice and grizzled about being hungry. The doctor had said only fluids this morning, really just water but apple juice was OK which she liked. It was because she would have to have a sedative for some of the procedures, such as the X-Rays and a thing called a spinal tap, where they would check to see if there were any cancer cells in her brain or nerves. They would also take samples from her bone marrow at the same time to look for the abnormal cells there.

  When they left her, their brave little girl looking so trusting, they were told they should come back to the hospital to meet the specialist at four o’clock in the afternoon when the results of most of the tests would be in and they could decide on the treatment. If it all went as planned they could bring Amelie home for one more night and then the treatment would start tomorrow after which she would have to stay in the hospital for about three weeks.

  The day went very slowly, they went back to the hotel and made arrangements for Ella to give them extra help there for a few days. Lizzie and Robbie had also undertaken to assist, Robbie had done many barman jobs in his former life and Lizzie was a whiz with keeping track of books and money and also pretty good at the cooking from her own restaurant, so that was a big help.

  But it was very hard to distract themselves while they were waiting for their afternoon appointment to come. A bit after three in the afternoon they found themselves heading up to the hospital, it was only ten minutes walk from the hotel and they had nothing to bring but themselves. They decided they might as well be up there early, just in case they could get to see their daughter before the meeting. The nurse was very helpful and brought them into the room where Amelie was sitting playing on the floor with some blocks, next to a little boy who was perhaps four. Both were absorbed so they just sat and watched.

  Finally about quarter to four the specialist came in, carrying sheet of papers with all the test results and big plastic films. He brought them into a little room next door where he took them through all the results, her white blood cell count was extraordinarily high
, and the X-Rays showed lots of little lumps in her glands and maybe some in her lungs. It was hard to be sure if there were any cancers in her lungs or other places but at least everything was small. The good news was they had found no cancer cells in her spinal fluid.

  So, to give her the best chance, they wanted to start the cancer treatment tomorrow. It would be done at the Children’s Hospital, at Camperdown, which was only ten minutes drive away.

  So tonight they should take her home and give her a good dinner and put her to bed early. Tomorrow they would need to bring her to the hospital by eight in the morning, and she was to have absolutely nothing to eat or drink after she woke in the morning.

  So they brought her home. Lizzie had cooked a meal for them all in the hotel restaurant, timed for six o’clock. Several of the staff and patrons asked if they could join them for a minute to give little gifts to Amelie to brighten her stay in hospital. So Amelie sat in her high chair in the centre of the table, surrounded by small gifts and cards of well wishes and enjoyed being the centre of attention.

  Tonight she was bright as a button and full of chatting and laughing. She ate all her food with gusto. It was hard to believe there could be anything wrong with their little girl. At half past seven they made their excuses and brought her up to bed, then read her a story together until she fell asleep. It all seemed too normal to believe.

  In the morning they were up early, leaving by seven thirty to take Amelie to Camperdown. Now it seemed like the hospital machine had taken them over, before they knew it they had filled in a pile of forms and were being walked through endless corridors until they arrived at a room with four small beds, each for another child of a similar age. They stayed with Amelie while she was settled in and then it was time to leave.

  Catherine had thought that saying goodbye yesterday was hard, but today it was excruciating, looking at the small and trusting face of their daughter as they walked away. She found herself sobbing and holding on to Mathew for support as she walked down the corridor.