Survival Rout

by Ana Mardoll

I don't remember falling asleep. At no point do my thoughts stop churning; I'm worried for Miyuki and what xie might be going through right now, and I long to be back together in the safety of our sunlit cavern in the company of Hana and the other girls. Yet I jerk awake from what feels like sleep at the sound of banging on the cave door.

  "Christian!" A voice I don't recognize shouts cheerily from the other side. "Pull your dick out and come get food! We're not waiting on you!"

  I open my eyes to find myself on a bed which is little more than a rocky shelf cut into the cave wall, the stone pressing mercilessly into my spine. The boy beside me is almost invisible in the darkness, but I feel his arm slung over my waist and hear his soft breath near my ear. I turn my head to find his dark eyes watching me through half-closed eyelids; he looks as drowsy as I feel, but his smile is warm.

  "Hey, sleepy-head," he whispers, brushing a curl away from my eyes. "It's good you got some rest. This place saps it out of you, I swear. Makes the time seem funny. If it weren't for the bells, I think I'd lose myself. Speaking of, you slept right through them; you must have been tired!"

  He says it like it's an accomplishment. I shake my head, grimacing at the stiff pain shooting through my neck and back at the movement. "No, I..." My voice trails away, lacking the words to describe how the constant ache in my muscles seems to drain all my energy. Do the rest of them not feel this way? I don't think they do, which in itself is troubling. What's wrong with me? And why is the pain getting worse?

  "You hungry?" the boy asks, filling the silence with a smile. "For food, or the extremely handsome man in your bed?" He chuckles when my eyes widen. "No? You cut me to the bone, gorgeous. C'mon, we can at least get you some food." He pushes me with little gentle movements, and I manage to roll out of bed, my feet landing on the floor with more instinct than grace. He follows me out, stooping to grab up his clothes while I brush down my skirt and re-drape the folds of my hood back over my hair.

  As my hands sweep over the white fabric I realize that every fold on my dress is still in place, every knot perfectly tied save for the few he loosened about my head and shoulders when we were kissing earlier. He didn't try to undress me while I slept. The realization brings gratitude, followed by a vague uneasiness. Somehow it seems strange to want to thank someone for not touching me in my sleep. Or strangling me. The memory of Sappho's grim story makes my stomach clench with fresh worry; more than anything, I need to know Miyuki is okay.

  "Ready?" The boy straightens up, tucking in the last fold of his wrapped skirt. "Don't be scared. The other guys don't bite, and they don't want to hurt you. You're a goddess, gorgeous. All you gotta do is remember that. C'mon."

  I'm dubious of this assessment but I follow him out the door into the cavern, blinking against torchlight which momentarily blinds me. When my vision clears, my first impulse is to turn on my heel; Handler stands near the center of the cave, his cart parked alongside the large sandpit. His hands and face are still alight with magic coursing through the cracks in his skin, and that familiar dread rolls off him, causing my heart to hammer my chest.

  Boys squat on the floor around the cart, sitting as far back as they can from the reach of Handler's aura. Each holds a bowl filled with yellow grains and dark meat, which they scoop up greedily with their fingers. They seem comfortable sprawled on the floor and lounging against stalagmites that rise into the darkness, but my back aches at the sight and I find myself longing for the sparkling table and colorful cushions of our sunlit grotto. All eyes look up as we approach, and I have to force myself to keep walking; I can't tell whether they mean me harm, only that I don't like being the sudden focus of so many boys.

  "Aw, Christian, you didn't have to tell her to put on clothes just to come eat! We're all friends here."

  "Ha! Why should you losers get to see my Prize?"

  "There's nothing wrong with sharing the wealth a little!"

  I don't look at them, refusing to watch them stare at me. Instead, I focus on Handler, willing myself to gaze upon his carved face and the closed eyelids which never impede him. He seems different from earlier: calmer, more relaxed in his stance. Is it because the Master isn't here? The absence of the looming inhuman creature is certainly a weight off my shoulders. There's something I can't put my finger on, however, a change that nags at my mind as laughter washes over me, unheard and unheeded.

  The sound of a door slamming shut causes me to jump, and I whirl to see the other boy from the arena standing near the far wall of the cavern, looking sheepish. Next to him stands Miyuki, clothed and calm, xer eyes downcast to hide the fact that xie can't see us clearly without xer glasses.

  "Whoops!" he says, his voice carrying to the center of the cavern. "I don't know my own strength. I think the door's okay, though."

  He wants to be the center of attention. Of course he does; he must be accustomed to it. Everything about him catches the eye, from the spray of frizzy curls that stick straight up in the air before spiraling down to his shoulders, to the lanky arms that dangle easily at his sides, to the warm golden strength that thrums confidently through his entire body. He didn't win in the arena by being sneaky or hiding away; he ran to the top of a spire and dropped the entire thing on another man's head. It stands to reason that he's now drawing attention back to himself, flaunting his presence and the prized beauty at his side.

  He can show off all he wants; xie isn't his. I cross the cavern as quickly as I can, not quite running in my long dress. I see the boy's eyes widen as I run up to them—Does he really think I'm coming for him?—and then my arms are around Miyuki, whispering xer name in xer ear and holding xer as tightly as I can.

  "Are you okay? He didn't hurt you? Are you all right?" Behind me I can hear the boys hooting and laughing, their voices rising in a cacophony of words.

  "No fair! Newbie, you don't get two girls."

  "He shouldn't get either. He and Christian need to share; they've had the girls for bells and bells."

  "Speaking of bells, where's Tony? Is he still sick?"

  "I'm right here, good grief. I was sleeping, until you shitfaces starting yelling. Is that food?"

  "Tony! Don't sneak up behind me like that, my heart nearly stopped."

  Miyuki turns xer lips to touch my ear. "I'm fine," xie whispers. "Are you okay?"

  "Look, all I'm saying," one of the boys is louder now, his words hard to shut out, "is we should have a practice round to see who gets the girls until first bell. They can even choose the winners! Would you girls like that? Bunch of handsome guys fighting over you?"

  "Prizes are awarded by the Master." Handler's cold voice cuts in, silencing the group in an instant. The full force of his dread spreads through the room, like icy fingernails slicing down my spine. I hold Miyuki closer and refuse to look at him; I don't think I could hide the hate in my eyes. "Granite, did you find this Prize satisfactory so far?"

  My heart stops at Handler's question. I look up at the lanky boy, my back stiffening with fear. He looks befuddled, at a loss for speech in this moment when every word counts. His eyes find mine, and I etch every line of my face into a pleading expression I pray he can't mistake. Please. Xie was wonderful, amazing, perfect, indescribable. If I could beam my thoughts into his head, I would in a heartbeat.

  "Aw, yeah," he begins slowly, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck and suddenly looking very shy. "That was something amazing. Never felt anything like it before. Uh, not that Diamond wasn't great, too," he adds in a rush, a broad grin stealing over his face, "but this was something special."

  Handler's blank expression doesn't change. "Then she is performing correctly. Come and eat, then you may retire with her to continue your time."

  "About that, Handler—"

  Christian lounges against a rough stalagmite, lazily scooping grains to his lips. He looks relaxed, a languid bonelessness in his slouch. "I can't speak for the newbie, of course, but I used mine pretty rough. I mean," he flashes the tall man a dazzling smile, "not too rough; you did
say you wanted her back in one piece. But she could use a long soak, and I could use a nap. The Master is generous, but I'm just one man."

  "Girl deserves a guy who can fuck her more than once in a bell cycle," one of the boys mutters loudly enough for everyone to hear.

  "It was twice, Lucas," Christian says calmly, taking another bite of his meal. "But your point is taken. We'll keep her away from your limp dick."

  Handler ignores the bantering. "If you are finished with your Prize, she will be returned," he says coolly. His eyeless gaze drifts to the boy near us.

  "Oh, uh, the same goes for me." The boy with the warm golden glow shakes his head. He gives Miyuki an apologetic look as he speaks, looking sheepish. "I mean, the bed's bigger with only one person, you know?"

  "Then both Prizes will be returned," Handler announces. There is a chorus of groans, but not too loud; familiarity lessens the scent of fear around the man, but it's never fully gone.

  I can barely breathe after that. We wait for the boys to finish unloading bowls of food which aren't offered to us. All the while I worry they'll change their minds, or convince Handler to change his; one of them in particular, a boy with dark hair and piercing eyes, stares at Miyuki until the others tease him for being jealous of the strong one for winning xer. I don't rest easily again until the cart is empty and Handler gestures curtly for us to follow, then I grip Miyuki's hand as we slip out into the long hall that separates the two caverns.

  Returning to the sunlight of our cavern and the soft burble of the waterfall is like coming home. Curtains are already up for the girls to sleep, and heads poke out when the doors open: sleepy, anxious faces that brighten immediately when they see us. Handler makes a curt gesture and they slip back into their beds, obediently disappearing behind heavy fabric. Then he turns to us, his expression blank and cold. "Prizes must be clean and well-rested. Attend to your bodies." With that, he wheels the cart out of the room.

  Miyuki's arms are around me the moment he's gone, and I melt gratefully into xer touch. "He didn't touch you, did he?" xie whispers, pulling back just enough to reach into xer robes and dig out xer glasses. Once the little squares sit firmly on xer face, xie studies me with worry in xer hazel eyes.

  "No," I say softly, shaking my head. Then I feel the blood rising to my cheeks, blushing with the memory of sensations I don't know how to explain. "Well, yes. But it wasn't bad; it was okay. I'm okay. He was nice. What about yours? He didn't hurt you, honestly?"

  Xie actually giggles, touching xer forehead giddily to mine. "He gave me his pillow and blanket after I asked him not to touch me. It was reckless and I didn't plan it, but I just couldn't. I couldn't stand the thought of his hands." Relief and reassurance mingle on xer lovely face. "He left me alone. I made a tent on the floor with the blanket."

  I stare at xer, feeling my own laughter bubble up, trying to contain it so I don't disturb the others. "You're kidding!"

  "Nope!" Miyuki grins, xer hand reaching up to touch my cheek. "Do you think we can go straight to bed?" xie whispers. "I just want to hold you."

  My breath catches at the declaration, and I hesitate. "Well. Hah. Uh." I glance at the pool, the sparkling waters calling to me in the light. "I'd actually intended to soak some of the pain away, but." I take a deep breath, turning back to xer. "I think if I get in, I won't be able to get back out. So, bed it is."

  Xer expression sobers and xie nods softly. "Aniyah, I have an idea. Come with me?"

  I grin at this. "I'll follow you anywhere. Lead on," I say as xie pulls me gently by the hands to our bed. Xie lifts the curtain and we duck into the darkness, crowding around the little platform that is so much airier than the claustrophobic shelf I've just left.

  "Take off your clothes and lie face down on the bed," xie whispers, patting the thin padded mattress.

  I turn my head to stare at xer. "What?" Having successfully avoided being undressed earlier, the logistics of clothing now seem heavily fraught, imbued with greater meaning than before. I feel strangely shy, even knowing we've already bathed and slept together.

  "You said you're hurting," xie says, xer voice soft in the darkness. "I might be able to help with that. But I won't do anything you don't want me to, I promise."

  I take a deep breath and try to find the right perspective. Xie's already seen me naked. Xie's been helping me get dressed since we got here. Xie isn't going to hurt me. I smile a little at my own embarrassment. "Okay. I trust you," I tell xer, peeling the cloth wrapping away from my skin. My movements are slow, hampered by the stiffness in my limbs. The pain is worse now, and I think running to Miyuki earlier might have pulled something out of joint. Worth it, I decide, but every muscle in my body is screaming.

  When I'm naked, I reach out to balance the palms of my hands on the bed. I pull myself up onto the platform, crawling into position until I can flop onto my stomach. My movements aren't graceful, and by the end of the procedure I'm glad Miyuki can't see my burning face in the darkness. I bury my head in my arms and try to block out the world. "Like this?"

  "Exactly like that," xie murmurs. I feel warm hands gently touching my back, running down the length of my spine. It isn't a straight path, and xer hands move in a curving sweep to follow the twists and turns of my bent body. Bent but not broken, I remind myself, yet the throbbing pain makes that hard to believe. Surely nothing whole and healthy would hurt like this.

  "Hold still, okay?" says Miyuki, moving around to stand near my head. Xer hands rest on my shoulders, not hurrying in whatever xie's planning to do. "Tell me if I hurt you or if you don't like it, and I'll stop." I nod my head into my arms, making a muffled sound of agreement and staying as motionless as I can.

  Xie begins kneading my back slowly, moving in soft sweeping motions. The tightness in my muscles relaxes at xer touch faster than I'd have believed possible. By the time xie has made two full passes over my back I've melted into a relaxed puddle on the bed. Wherever xer fingers trail I feel a sweet numbness seep in, and when xer fingertips brush up my neck and over my scalp the rush of contentment is almost euphoric.

  "How... are you doing that?" My voice trembles in the dark as I sigh with relief. The pain is still with me, lurking under the pleasure, but even a temporary reprieve threatens to bring tears to my eyes.

  "I'm not sure." Xer hands sweep slowly down the length of my spine, tracing over the worst of the aches. "I don't think it's something I've done before; there's no memory guiding my hands. I just have very strong feelings about touch. About being touched, and how I want to touch you. When my hands are on your back, I can feel where the muscles are tight and bunched up and I know how to relax them."

  "It's amazing," I whisper, turning my head to look at xer. Xie looks different in the darkness somehow, a dusting of dark gold glitter hanging about xer cheeks, as though the sparkling minerals in the cavern table had leaped up to lie alongside xer freckles. "Can I see your hands?" I ask, a hunch nibbling at my mind. Xie tilts xer head at me, but produces xer hands for inspection.

  Xer hands have changed. They're completely covered in a thick coating of rich sandstone dust, rendering them almost invisible in the shelter of our curtains. The golden flakes cover xer hands and seep up into xer wrists, thinning as they spread farther from the tips of xer fingers. The sparkles thrum softly in a mass, beating with the pulse of xer heart, and shimmering flecks break away to sail through the air between us. When they land on my cheek or brush my shoulder, I feel a fresh surge of relief from the constant pain.

  "What do you see?" xie breathes, watching my face.

  "Magic." I crane my neck to look up at xer eyes. "Your hands. They're warm and good and covered in gold flecks. They're... soothing." This is undeniably true, but I hesitate over the word. It's entirely insufficient for what xie's already done, and there's more underneath; a magic I don't fully understand yet.

  "I'm not sure what else," I admit, biting my lower lip. "I can see the magic, but knowing what it does is harder."

  "Well, I'm in no rush to
find out," xie teases, giving me a broad smile. Now that xie's not touching me, the glittering dust slows and ebbs, slinking back into xer fingertips. I understand now why I didn't see xer magic before. It's a subtle talent that stays hidden when not in use, and perhaps that's why the Master undervalued xer. "I know what I want to do, and that's all that matters to me. I want to touch you, heal you, soothe you."

  I giggle at this, made giddy by the relief xie's granted me. "You already have," I point out with a grin, catching xer hand in my own. "Come to bed with me? You can't have gotten much sleep on that boy's floor, pillow or no pillow."

  Miyuki's smile softens at the suggestion. Xer free hand flies to the neck of xer dress, the white cloth dusted with soot and sand and powdered stone. "You don't mind?" xie asks, looking almost shy as xie gazes down at me.

  "Why would I mind?" I shake my head, grinning up at xer. "You didn't mind seeing me, did you?"

  Xie colors a little, a warm flush rising to xer cheeks, and quickly unwraps the long swaths of cloth that cover xer from head to toe. Then xie slides into bed with me, catching up the blanket from the floor and slipping it over us to chase away the chill. "So, we survived another— what do they call it?" xie whispers as xie squeezes in close to me on the narrow platform. "Bell cycle?"

  "Yeah." I let my arm slip over xer waist the way Christian had held me, determined to keep xer close enough so xie can't fall off the bed in xer sleep. "A bell cycle. We survived. We'll survive all of them, Miyuki. We're not going to die. We can make this work."

  I touch my head to xer forehead, but there's something else I want to give xer, something I learned from that boy. I tilt my neck back to place a gentle kiss on xer forehead, wondering if my lips will feel as good on xer skin as his did on mine. Xie sucks in a tiny breath, holding still for a long moment that stretches out between us, then dips xer head to lay an identical kiss in the soft hollow of my collarbone.

  Here in the darkness, I feel the stirring heat Christian awakened at first; a pooling in my lower stomach and legs. The throbbing ache demands attention but I don't want to move from this position, not now that I've finally found some comfort from the escalating pain. And though I slept earlier I find myself wanting to drift away again, lulled by the thought of sleeping while hurt is at bay. How long do I have until it comes back? There's no way of knowing, and the exquisite numbness weighs me down.