Outlander aka Cross Stitch

by Diana Gabaldon

  “Weel, ye know yourself. I can see it’s the same wi’ you and your Claire. She’s… something special, no?”

  Jamie nodded. The smile didn’t leave his face, but altered somehow.

  “Aye,” he said softly. “Aye, she is that.”

  Over the port and biscuits, Jamie and Ian reminisced further about their shared boyhood, and their fathers. Ian’s father, William, had died just the past spring, leaving Ian to run the estate alone.

  “You remember when your father came on us down by the spring, and made us go wi’ him to the smithy to see how to fix a wagon-tree?”

  “Aye, and he couldna understand why we kept squirming and shifting about-”

  “And he kept asking ye did ye need to go to the privy-”

  Both men were laughing too hard to finish the story, so I looked at Jenny.

  “Toads,” she said succinctly. “The two o’ them each had five or six toads inside his shirt.”

  “Oh, Lord,” said Ian. “When the one crawled up your neck and hopped out of your shirt into the forge, I thought I’d die.”

  “I cannot imagine why my father didna wring my neck on several occasions,” said Jamie, shaking his head. “It’s a wonder I ever grew up.”

  Ian looked consideringly at his own offspring, industriously engaged in piling wooden blocks on top of each other by the hearth. “I don’t quite know how I’m goin’ to manage it, when the time comes I have to beat my own son. I mean… he’s, well, he’s so small.” He gestured helplessly at the sturdy little figure, tender neck bent to his task.

  Jamie eyed his small namesake cynically. “Aye, he’ll be as much a devil as you or I, give him time. After all, I suppose even I must ha’ looked small and innocent at one point.”

  “You did,” said Jenny unexpectedly, coming to set a pewter cup of cider in her husband’s hand. She patted her brother on the head.

  “You were verra sweet as a baby, Jamie. I remember standing over your cot. Ye canna ha’ been more than two, asleep wi’ your thumb in your mouth, and we agreed we’d never seen a prettier lad. You had fat round cheeks and the dearest red curls.”

  The pretty lad turned an interesting shade of rose, and drained his cider at one gulp, avoiding my glance.

  “Didna last long, though,” Jenny said, flashing white teeth in a mildly malicious smile at her brother. “How old were ye when ye got your first thrashing, Jamie? Seven?”

  “No, eight,” Jamie said, thrusting a new log into the smoldering pile of kindling. “Christ, that hurt. Twelve strokes full across the bum, and he didna let up a bit, beginning to end. He never did.” He sat back on his heels, rubbing his nose with the knuckles of one hand. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes bright from the exertion.

  “Once it was over, Father went off a bit and sat down on a rock while I settled myself. Then when I’d quit howling and got down to a sort of wet snuffle, he called me over to him. Now that I think of it, I can remember just what he said. Maybe you can use it on young Jamie, Ian, when the time comes.” Jamie closed his eyes, recalling.

  “He stood me between his knees and made me look him in the face, and said, ‘That’s the first time, Jamie. I’ll have to do it again, maybe a hundred times, before you’re grown to a man.’ He laughed a bit then and said, ‘My father did it to me at least that often, and you’re as stubborn and cockle-headed as ever I was.’

  “He said, ‘Sometimes I daresay I’ll enjoy thrashing you, depending on what you’ve done to deserve it. Mostly I won’t. But I’ll do it nonetheless. So remember it, lad. If your head thinks up mischief, your backside’s going to pay for it.’ Then he gave me a hug and said, ‘You’re a braw lad, Jamie. Go away to the house now and let your mother comfort ye.’ I opened my mouth to say something to that, and he said, quick-like, ‘No, I know you don’t need it, but she does. Get on wi’ ye.’ So I came down and Mother fed me bread with jam on it.”

  Jenny suddenly started to laugh. “I just remembered,” she said, “Da used to tell that story about you, Jamie, about thrashing you, and what he said to you. He said when he sent ye back to the house after, you came halfway down, then all of a sudden stopped and waited for him.

  “When he came down to ye, you looked up at him and said, ‘I just wanted to ask, Faither – did ye enjoy it this time?’ And when he said ‘no,’ you nodded and said, ‘Good. I didna like it much either.’ ”

  We all laughed for a minute together, then Jenny looked up at her brother, shaking her head. “He loved to tell that story. Da always said you’d be the death of him, Jamie.”

  The merriment died out of Jamie’s face, and he looked down at the big hands resting on his knees.

  “Aye,” he said quietly. “Well, and I was, then, wasn’t I?”

  Jenny and Ian exchanged glances of dismay, and I looked down at my own lap, not knowing what to say. There was no sound for a moment but the crackling of the fire. Then Jenny, with a quick look at Ian, set down her glass and touched her brother on the knee.

  “Jamie,” she said. “It wasna your fault.”

  He looked up at her and smiled, a little bleakly.

  “No? Who else’s, then?”

  She took a deep breath and said, “Mine.”

  “What?” He stared at her in blank astonishment.

  She had gone a little paler even than usual, but remained composed.

  “I said it was my fault, as much as anyone’s. For – for what happened to you, Jamie. And Father.”

  He covered her hand with his own and rubbed it gently.

  “Dinna talk daft, lass,” he said. “Ye did what ye did to try to save me; you’re right, if ye’d not gone wi’ Randall, he’d likely have killed me here.”

  She studied her brother’s face, a troubled frown wrinkling her rounded brow.

  “No, I dinna regret taking Randall to the house – not even if he’d… well, no. But that wasn’t it.” She drew a deep breath again, steeling herself.

  “When I took him inside, I brought him up to my room. I – I didna ken quite what to expect – I’d not… been wi’ a man. He seemed verra nervous, though, all flushed and as though he were not certain himself, which seemed strange to me. He pushed me onto the bed, and then he stood there, rubbing himself. I thought at first I’d really damaged him wi’ my knee, though I knew I hadna struck him so hard, really.” The color was creeping up her cheeks, and she stole a sidelong glance at Ian before looking hastily back at her lap.

  “I ken now that he was trying to – to make himself ready. I didna mean to let him know I was frightened, so I sat up straight on the bed and stared at him. That seemed to anger him, and he ordered me to turn round. I wouldna do it, though, and just kept looking at him.”

  Her face was the color of one of the roses by the doorstep. “He… unbuttoned himself, and I… well, I laughed at him.”

  “You did what?” Jamie said incredulously.

  “I laughed. I mean-” Her eyes met her brother’s with some defiance. “I kent well enough how a man’s made. I’d seen you naked often enough, and Willy and Ian as well. But he-” A tiny smile appeared on her lips, despite her apparent efforts to suppress it. He looked so funny, all red in the face, and rubbing himself so frantic, and yet still only half-”

  There was a choked sound from Ian, and she bit her lip, but went on bravely.

  “He didna like it when I laughed, and I could see it, so I laughed some more. That’s when he lunged at me and tore my dress half off me. I smacked him in the face, and he struck me across the jaw, hard enough to make me see stars. Then he grunted a bit, as though that pleased him, and started to climb onto the bed wi’ me. I had just about sense enough left to laugh again. I struggled up onto my knees, and I – I taunted him. I told him I kent he was no a real man, and couldna manage wi’ a woman. I-”

  She bent her head still further, so the dark curls swung down past her flaming cheeks. Her words were very low, almost a whisper.

  “I… spread the pieces of my gown apart, and I… taunted h
im wi’ my breasts. I told him I knew he was afraid o’ me, because he wasna fit to touch a woman, but only to sport wi’ beasts and young lads…”

  “Jenny,” said Jamie, shaking his head helplessly.

  Her head came up to look at him. “Weel, I did then,” she said. “It was all I could think of, and I could see that he was fair off his head, but it was plain too that he… couldn’t. And I stared right at his breeches and I laughed again. And then he got his hands round my throat, throttling me, and I cracked my head against the bedpost, and… and when I woke he’d gone, and you wi’ him.”

  There were tears standing in her lovely blue eyes as she grasped Jamie’s hands.

  “Jamie, will ye forgive me? I know if I’d not angered him that way he wouldna have treated you as he did, and then Faither-”

  “Oh, Jenny, love, mo cridh, don’t.” He was kneeling beside her, pulling her face into his shoulder. Ian, on her other side, looked as though he had been turned to stone.

  Jamie rocked her gently as she sobbed. “Hush, little dove. Ye did right, Jenny. It wasna your fault, and maybe not mine either.” He stroked her back.

  “Listen, mo cridh. He came here to do damage, under orders. And it would ha’ made no difference who he’d found here, or what you or I might have done. He meant to cause trouble, to rouse the countryside against the English, for his own purposes – and those of the man that hired him.”

  Jenny stopped crying and sat up, looking at him in amazement.

  “To rouse folk against the English? But why?”

  Jamie made an impatient gesture with one hand. “To find out the folk that might support Prince Charles, should it come to another Rising. But I dinna ken yet which side Randall’s employer is on – if he wants to know so those that follow the Prince can be watched, and maybe have their property seized, or if it’s that he – Randall’s employer – means to go wi’ the Prince himself, and wants the Highlands roused and ready for war when the time comes. I dinna ken, and it isna important now.” He touched his sister’s hair, smoothing it back from her brow.

  “All that’s important is that you’re not harmed, and I am home. Soon I’ll come back to stay, mo cridh. I promise.”

  She raised his hand to her lips and kissed it, her face glowing. She fumbled in her pocket for a handkerchief and blew her nose. Then she looked at Ian, still frozen by her side, a look of hurt anger in his eyes.

  She touched him gently on the shoulder.

  “You think I should ha’ told you.”

  He didn’t move, but went on looking at her. “Aye,” he said quietly. “I do.”

  She put the handkerchief down in her lap and took him by both hands.

  “Ian, man, I didna tell ye because I didna wish to lose you too. My brother was gone, and my father. I didna mean to lose my own heart’s blood as well. For you are dearer to me even than home and family, love.” She cast a lopsided smile at Jamie. “And that’s saying quite a bit.”

  She looked into Ian’s eyes, pleading, and I could see love and hurt pride struggling for mastery on his face. Jamie rose then and touched me on the shoulder. We left the room quietly, leaving them together before the dying fire.

  It was a clear night, and the moonlight fell in floods through the tall casements. I could not fall asleep myself, and I thought perhaps it was the light also that kept Jamie awake; he lay quite still, but I could tell by his breathing that he was not asleep. He turned onto his back, and I heard him chuckle softly under his breath.

  “What’s funny?” I asked quietly.

  He turned his head toward me. “Oh, did I wake ye, Sassenach? I’m sorry. I was only remembering about things.”

  “I wasn’t asleep.” I scooted closer. The bed had obviously been made for the days when a whole family slept together on one mattress; the gigantic feather-bed must have consumed the entire productivity of hundreds of geese, and navigating through the drifts was like crossing the Alps without a compass. “What were you remembering?” I asked, once I had safely reached his side.

  “Oh, about my father, mostly. Things he said.”

  He folded his arms behind his head, staring musingly at the thick beams that crossed the low ceiling. “It’s strange,” he said, “when he was alive, I didna pay him much heed. But once he was dead, the things he’d told me had a good deal more influence.” He chuckled briefly again. “What I was thinking about was the last time he thrashed me.”

  “Funny, was it?” I said. “Anyone ever told you that you have a very peculiar sense of humor, Jamie?” I fumbled through the quilts for his hand, then gave up and pushed them back. He began to stroke my back, and I snuggled next to him, making small noises of pleasure.

  “Didn’t your uncle beat you, then, when you needed it?” he asked curiously. I smothered a laugh at the thought.

  “Lord, no! He would have been horrified at the thought. Uncle Lamb didn’t believe in beating children – he thought they should be reasoned with, like adults.” Jamie made a Scottish noise in his throat, indicating derision at this ludicrous idea.

  “That accounts for the defects in your character, no doubt,” he said, patting my bottom. “Insufficient discipline in your youth.”

  “What defects in my character?” I demanded. The moonlight was bright enough for me to see his grin.

  “Ye want me to list them all?”

  “No.” I dug an elbow into his ribs. “Tell me about your father. How old were you then?” I asked.

  “Oh, thirteen – fourteen maybe. Tall and skinny, with spots. I canna remember why I was being thrashed; at that point, it was more often something I’d said than something I’d done. All I remember is we were both of us boiling mad about it. That was one of the times he enjoyed beating me.” He pulled me to him and settled me closer against his shoulder, his arm around me. I stroked his flat belly, toying with his navel.

  “Stop that, it tickles. D’ye want to hear, or no?”

  “Oh, I want to hear. What are we going to do if we ever have children – reason with them, or beat them?” My heart raced a little at the thought, though there was no sign that this would ever be more than an academic question. His hand trapped mine, holding it still over his belly.

  “That’s simple. You reason with them, and when you’re through, I’ll take them out and thrash them.”

  “I thought you liked children.”

  “I do. My father liked me, when I wasna being an idiot. And he loved me, too – enough to beat the daylights out of me when I was being an idiot.”

  I flopped onto my stomach. “All right, then. Tell me about it.”

  Jamie sat up and wadded the pillows more comfortably before lying back down, folded arms behind his head again.

  “Well, he sent me up to the fence, as usual – he always made me go up first, so I could experience the proper mixture of terror and remorse while I waited for him, he said – but he was so angry, he was right behind me. I was bent over and taking it, then, gritting my teeth and determined I’d make no noise about it – damned if I’d let him know how much it hurt. I was digging my fingers into the wood of the fence rail as hard as I could – hard enough to leave splinters behind – and I could feel my face turnin’ red from holding my breath.” He drew a deep breath, as though making up for it, and let it out slowly.

  “Usually I’d know when it was going to be over, but this time he didn’t stop. It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut; I was grunting wi’ each stroke and I could feel the tears starting, no matter how much I blinked, but I held on for dear life.” He was uncovered to the waist, almost glowing in the moonlight, frosted with tiny silver hairs. I could see the pulse beat just below his breastbone, a steady throb just under my hand.

  “I don’t know how long it went on,” he continued. “Not that long, likely, but it seemed like a long time to me. At last he stopped a moment and shouted at me. He was beside himself wi’ fury, and I was so furious myself I could barely make out what he said at first, but then I could.

  �
�He roared ‘Damn you, Jamie! Can ye no cry out? You’re grown now, and I dinna mean to beat you ever again, but I want one good yelp out of ye, lad, before I quit, just so I’ll think I’ve made some impression on ye at last!’ ” Jamie laughed, disturbing the even movement of his pulsebeat.

  “I was so upset at that, I straightened up and whirled round and yelled at him, ‘Weel, why did ye no say so in the first place, ye auld fool! OUCH!!’

  “Next thing I knew I was on the ground, wi’ my ears ringing and a pain in my jaw, where he’d clouted me. He was standing over me, panting, and wi’ his hair and his beard all on end. He reached down and got my hand and hauled me up.

  “Then he patted my jaw, and said, still breathing hard, ‘That’s for calling your father a fool. It may be true, but it’s disrespectful. Come on, we’ll wash for supper.’ And he never struck me again. He still shouted at me, but I shouted back, and it was mostly man to man, after that.”

  He laughed comfortably, and I smiled into the warmth of his shoulder.

  “I wish I’d known your father,” I said. “Or maybe it’s better not,” I said, struck by a thought. “He might not have liked you marrying an Englishwoman.”

  Jamie hugged me closer and pulled the quilts up over my bare shoulders. “He’d have thought I’d got some sense at last.” He stroked my hair. “He’d have respected my choice, whoever it was, but you” – he turned his head and kissed my brow gently – “he would have liked you verra much, my Sassenach.” And I recognized it for the accolade it was.

  Chapter 30. CONVERSATIONS BY THE HEARTH

  Whatever rift Jenny’s revelations had caused between her and Ian, it seemed to have healed. We sat for a short time after dinner in the parlor next evening, Ian and Jamie talking over the farm’s business in the corner, accompanied by a decanter of elderberry wine, while Jenny relaxed at last with her swollen ankles propped on a hassock. I tried to write down some of the receipts she had tossed over her shoulder at me as we whizzed through the day’s work, consulting her for details as I scribbled.