Now and Forever

by Danielle Steel

  “Are you ready to go, darling?” The “darling” was new, but she didn’t mind it. She could get used to it. She supposed that she could get used to a lot of things if she tried.

  “Yes, sir.” She looked down at her bare hands then and wished she had both jewelry and gloves. At any event as formal as this one obviously was going to be, it seemed as though long white kid opera gloves were in order, and jewelry … jewelry … she thought of something as they started to leave. “Wait a second, Geoffrey.” She had brought it with her, and she had totally forgotten it. She had hidden it, for safety’s sake. But it would be perfect.

  “Something wrong?”

  “No, no.” She smiled mysteriously and ran back into the bedroom, where she bent down carefully to look for a tiny package tied in the underside of the bed. It had been the only place she could think of. But she had wanted to bring it with her. She didn’t know why, but she had wanted to. She quickly took the box from its hiding place and then opened it, pulling the soft suede jewel case out of the box, and then spilling the gem into her hand. It was more beautiful than ever, and for a moment her heart stopped as she saw it. It brought back so many painful memories, but so many nice ones as well. She could remember seeing it on her mother’s hand … and then taking it out for Ian … putting it back when the trial was all over. It was her mother’s emerald ring. She had never brought herself to wear it, just as a piece of jewelry, a thing, a bauble. But tonight was a night to wear it, as a thing of beauty and pride, as something special that had been given to her. Tonight it signified a new beginning to her life. It was perfect. And tears came to her eyes as she slipped it on. She felt her mother approve.

  “Jessica, what are you doing? We’ve got quite a drive to L.A.—do hurry up.”

  She smiled to herself as she slipped it on her hand. It was exactly what was needed. She also had on a pair of pearl earrings that Ian had given her years ago. They were the only jewelry she had brought, except for the ring, which she really hadn’t planned to wear. She caught a last glimpse in the mirror, and smiled to herself as she rushed out to join Geoffrey. “Coming!”

  “Everything all right?”

  “Wonderful.”

  “Ready?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Oh, and by the way, I forgot to give you these.”

  “These” were two more boxes, a long thin flat one and a small cube.

  “More? Geoffrey, you’re crazy! What are you doing?” It was like Christmas. And why was he doing this? She didn’t even want presents, but he looked so hurt when she balked that she started to open the packages. No man had ever done this to her before.

  As she began with the long thin box, Geoffrey suddenly exclaimed.

  “Jessica, how lovely. What an extraordinarily fine piece of jewelry.” He was admiring her mother’s ring, and with a trembling hand, she held it up for him to see. “It means a great deal to you, doesn’t it?” She nodded, and then, after a pause, his voice softened. “Was it your engagement ring for when you were married?”

  “No.” She looked at him solemnly. “It was my mother’s.”

  “Was? … Is she …” So that was why she never spoke of her family. She had told him about the brother, but she had never mentioned her parents. Now he understood.

  “Yes, she and my father died only a few months apart. It’s a long time ago now, I suppose, though it doesn’t really feel like it. But I’ve never … I’ve never worn the ring, like tonight.”

  “I’m honored that you’d wear it with me.” He pulled her face gently toward him with the tip of one finger, and kissed her ever so carefully. It made her whole body tingle. And then he stood back and smiled. “Go on. Finish opening your things.” She had forgotten the boxes, and she went back to them now.

  The long thin box yielded the gloves she had thought of as she was dressing. It was as though he read her mind. Again.

  “You think of everything!” They made her laugh, but she was delighted as she slid one into place. “How did you know all my sizes?”

  “A lady should never ask a question like that, Jessica. It implies I have too much knowledge of women.”

  “Aha!” The idea amused her. And she went on to the next box. This one was small enough to fit into the palm of her hand. Geoffrey was watching her with interest as she tore off the paper and got to the small navy blue leather box. It had a snap holding it closed and she flicked it open and gasped. “Jesus. Geoffrey! No!” He couldn’t tell if she was angry or pleased, but he quietly took the box from her and took them out, holding the diamond teardrops to her ears.

  “They’re just what you need. Put them on.” It was a quiet order, but Jessica took one step backward and looked at him.

  “Geoffrey, I can’t. I really can’t.” Diamonds? She hardly knew him. And the earrings were not terribly small. They were heavenly, but not at all something she could accept. “Geoffrey, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be silly. Just try them for tonight. If you don’t like them, you can give them back.”

  “But imagine if I lost one.”

  “Jessica, they’re yours.” But silently she shook her head and stood firm.

  “Please.” He looked so woebegone that she felt sorry for him, but she couldn’t take diamonds from this man … she had already accepted the outfit she was wearing, which was far too expensive a gift as it was. But diamonds? Who in heaven’s name was he? No matter who, she knew who she was, and what she could and could not do. This she could not. No. But he was looking at her so sadly that she finally wavered for an instant. “Just try them on.”

  “All right, Geoffrey, but I won’t wear them tonight and I won’t keep them. You save them. And maybe someday …” She tried to make him feel better about them as she reached up to take off one of her own earrings, and then she remembered that she was wearing Ian’s pearls.

  The pearls were much less grandiose than the diamonds, but she loved them. She tried on one of Geoffrey’s sparkling teardrops and it looked dazzling on her left ear … but on the right ear sat the pretty little pearl from the man who had loved her…from Ian …

  “You don’t like them.” He sounded crushed.

  “I love them. But not for right now.”

  “You looked just now as though something had made you terribly sad.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” She smiled, and handed him back the earring, and then leaned up to kiss him chastely on the cheek. “No man has ever been as good to me, Geoffrey. I don’t quite know what to do with it all.”

  “Sit back and enjoy it. Now. We’re off.” He didn’t press the point about the earrings, and they left them carefully hidden in her desk drawer. She felt relieved not to be wearing them. Geoffrey had been right. Taking off Ian’s pearls would have made her sad. She wasn’t quite ready to yet. It would come in time. She still clung to some of their souvenirs. Like his portrait, which now hung over the fireplace.

  The party was like something in a multimillion-dollar movie. Gallons of champagne, platoons of liveried butlers, and armies of black-uniformed maids. Every two feet of inlaid marble floor space seemed to be covered by the looming shadow of an immense crystal chandelier. And pillars and columns and Aubusson rugs and Louis XV furniture, and a fortune in diamonds and emeralds and sapphires, and hundreds of minks. It was the kind of party you read about but couldn’t even faintly imagine going to. And there she was, with Geoffrey. Almost everyone there was either British or famous or both. And Geoffrey seemed to know everyone. Movie stars whom Jessie had only read of in the papers ran up to greet him, promised to call him, or left lipstick on his cheeks. Ambassadors cornered him over the pâté, or urged Jessie to dance. Businessmen and diplomats, socialites and politicians, movie stars and celebrities of dubious fame. Everyone was there. It was the kind of party people worked years to get invited to. And there she was, with Geoffrey, who turned out to be not “Mr.,” but “Sir.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Why? It’s silly. Don’t you th
ink so?”

  “No. And it’s part of your name.”

  “So now you know. Does it matter?” He looked amused, and she shook her head. “All right, then. Now how about dancing with me, Lady Jessica?”

  “Yes, sir. Your Majesty. Your Grace. Your Lordship.”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  The party went on until two and they stayed till the end. It was almost four when they got back to the little Victorian house tucked into the hills.

  “Now I know I’m Cinderella.”

  “But did you have fun?”

  “I had a fabulous evening.” She had felt a tiny bit as though he had put her on display, like a pretty new doll, but he had introduced her to everyone, and how could she complain? How many dates give you two-thousand-dollar evening dresses and diamond earrings? What an evening. She looked down at her mother’s ring again as they got out of the car. She was glad she had worn it. Not just because it was an emerald, but because it had been her mother’s.

  “You looked radiant tonight, Jessica. I was so proud of you.”

  “It was just the dress.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “What?” She gave a tired little crow of laughter and looked at him with amusement. “Sir Geoffrey said ‘bullshit’? I didn’t think you said things like that!”

  “I do, and I say lots of things you don’t know about, my dear.”

  “That sounds intriguing.” They exchanged a glance of mutual interest in front of her house. “I don’t know whether to offer you brandy, coffee, tea, or aspirin. Which’ll it be?”

  “We can figure that out inside.” She glided up the steps with the grace of a butterfly in the magnificent white dress. Even at the end of the evening, she looked like a vision, and seemed scarcely tired. She pleased him enormously. In fact, he had decided not to wait a great deal longer. She was everything he wanted, and it was time for him. He had been waiting for Jessie for a long, long time. He knew that she wasn’t quite ready, but she would be very quickly. He would help her sweep the cobwebs from her present. Now and then he saw old ghosts haunting her eyes, but it was time she left them. He needed her. And she had done beautifully at the party. Everyone said so.

  “Do you go to things like that often?” She stifled a yawn as she slipped out of the sandals he had given her.

  “Fairly. Did you really enjoy it?”

  “What woman wouldn’t, for heaven’s sake? Geoffrey … excuse me, Sir Geoffrey—” she grinned—“that’s like being queen for a day. And everyone in the whole world was there. I must say, I was very impressed.”

  “So were they.”

  “About what?”

  “About you. You were the most beautiful woman there.” But she knew that wasn’t true, and more than half the attention she’d gotten had been over the dress. He had equipped her well for her debut, even down to the virginal white dress. But some of the great beauties of the world had been at that party. She was hardly stiff competition. She just wasn’t that kind of woman. Not the sort who drips diamonds ear to ear while dragging chinchilla behind her, in the latest Givenchy dress. Those women were in the big leagues.

  “Thank you.” It seemed simpler not to argue. “Tea?”

  “Not really.” He was looking at her pensively, a little distracted.

  “Would you like me to light a fire?” She felt like sitting with him and talking, as she’d used to do with … no! She couldn’t let herself do that.

  “Who’s that?” He waved to the boyish face over the fireplace, and Jessica smiled. “Your brother?”

  “No. Someone else.”

  “Mr. Clarke?” She nodded, sober-faced now. “You still keep his portrait up?”

  “I painted it.”

  “That’s not much of a reason. Do you still see him?” Somehow he had thought she didn’t, though they had never discussed it.

  “No. Not anymore.”

  “That’s for the best.” And then he did something that made Jessica’s heart stop. Very quietly, without asking, without saying a word, he lifted the portrait from where it hung and set it gently down on the floor near her desk, facing the wall. “I think this is a good time to put that away, darling, don’t you?” But there was no question in his voice and for a moment she was too stunned to speak. She wanted it up. She liked it. She had brought it specially from San Francisco. Or was he right? Was there no place for that anymore? There shouldn’t have been, and they both knew it.

  “Don’t you want tea?” She couldn’t think of anything else to say, and her voice was only a croak.

  “No.” With a gentle smile he shook his head and walked slowly toward her. He stopped in front of her and kissed her longingly. It stirred the very tip of her soul. She needed him now. He was stripping her of something she had needed to survive. And now she was beginning to need him. He couldn’t take Ian from her, but he was going to, and she was letting him. They stood together, their mouths hungrily discovering each other, and ever so gently he unclasped the hook at the shoulder of her dress. As it gave, the dress fell loosely to her waist, and he lowered his mouth slowly to her breasts, as her whole body seemed to reach out to him—but something inside her said no.

  “Geoffrey … Geoffrey …” He went on kissing her, and the dress fell slowly away from her. All that exquisite silk crepe lying heaped at her feet as carefully, relentlessly he undressed her. She fumbled at the hard white starched shirt front, and got nowhere. All she could reach of him was the bulge in his trousers, but even his zipper seemed to resist her. And in a moment she stood there, naked before him, and he was still fully dressed in white tie and tails.

  “My God, Jessica, how beautiful you are, my love… beautiful, beautiful, elegant little bird …” He led her slowly into her bedroom, speaking loving words to her all the way, and she followed him, as though in a trance, until he laid her carefully on her bed and slowly slipped off his jacket as she waited. He seemed to purr at her, and she felt she was under his spell. He had the jacket off now, but the starched white front was still in place. It made him look like a surgeon, and as she turned her head on the pillow, something pinched her ear. She was still wearing her earrings, and she reached up to take them off and felt the pearls fall into her hand. The pearls … Ian’s pearls … and here was this man undressing in front of her. He had undressed her. She was naked and he was going to be, and he had taken Ian’s portrait off the wall …

  “No!” She sat bolt upright on the bed and stared at him as though he had just thrown cold water in her face.

  “Jessica?”

  “No!”

  He sat down next to her and folded her into his arms, but she fought free of them, still clutching the pearl earrings in her hand. “Don’t be afraid, darling. I’ll be gentle, I promise.”

  “No, no!” There were tears welling up in her throat now and she jumped past him, pulling at Aunt Beth’s quilt at the foot of the bed and covering herself with it. What was wrong with her, though? For a moment she thought she was crazy. Only a few minutes before she had wanted him so desperately, or had thought she did. And now she knew that she didn’t. She couldn’t. Now she knew everything.

  “Jessica, what in hell is going on?” She was cowering near the window, with tears running down on her face.

  “I can’t go to bed with you. I’m sorry … I …”

  “But what happened? A moment ago …” For once, he looked totally baffled. This had never happened to him. Not like this.

  “I know. I’m sorry. It must seem crazy, it’s just that …”

  “That what, dammit?” He stood in front of her, and he was looking very unnerved by the experience. His jacket lay strangely on the floor, as though it had been thrown there. “What happened to you?”

  “I just can’t.”

  “But, darling, I love you.” He walked to her again and tried to put his arms around her, but she wouldn’t let him.

  “You don’t love me.” It was something she could sense, not something she could explain. And more importantly,
she didn’t love him. She wanted to love him. She knew she should love him. She knew that he was the kind of man women are supposed to love, and beg to marry. But she didn’t, and she couldn’t, and she knew she never would.

  “What do you mean I don’t love you? Goddammit, Jessica, I want to marry you. What sort of game do you think I’ve been playing? You’re not the sort of woman one makes a mistress of. Do you think I’d have taken you to that party tonight if I weren’t serious? Don’t be absurd.”

  “But you don’t know me.” It was a plaintive wail from the corner.

  “I know enough.”

  “No, you don’t. You don’t know anything.”

  “Breeding shows.” Oh, Jesus.

  “But what about my soul? What I think, what I feel, what I am, what I need?”

  “We’ll learn that about each other.”

  “Afterward?” She looked horrified.

  “Some people do it that way.”

  “But I don’t.”

  “You don’t know what the devil you do. And if you have a brain at all, you’ll marry a man who tells you what to do and when to do it. You’ll be much happier that way.”

  “No, that’s just it. I used to want that, Geoffrey, but I don’t anymore. I want to give as well as take, I want to be the grown-up as well as the child. I don’t want to be pushed around and shown off and dressed up. That’s what you did tonight. I know you meant well, but I was nothing more than a Barbie doll, and that’s all I ever would be. No! How could you!”

  “I’m sorry if I offended you.” He stooped down and picked up his jacket. He was beginning to wonder about her; it was almost as though she were a bit mad.

  But suddenly she didn’t feel mad at all. She felt good, and she knew she was doing the right thing. Maybe no one else would think so, but she knew it.

  “You don’t even want children.” It was a ridiculous accusation to be making at five o’clock in the morning, standing wrapped in a quilt, talking to a man in white tie and tails.