Find Me, Save Me

by Barbara Gee

  “I can’t wait for you to see Magdelena,” Libby said over her shoulder. “She’s the horse I always rode when we visited here. Have you ever ridden, Maddy?”

  “I’ve never even touched a horse.”

  “I’ll get you up on one once you get rid of your casts and stuff. You’ll love it.”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never had even the slightest urge to ride a horse.”

  Libby pulled up to a small stable and parked. “We’ll start out slow, don’t worry.” She got out of the Gator and headed toward the stable door. “I’ll be back in a bit,” she called back. “I’m going to bring Magdalena out to see you.”

  Maddy tilted her head back and closed her eyes. The warm spring sunlight on her face felt heavenly after being cooped up in the hospital for so long. She tried to relax and think about anything other than Tucker Simon, but after ten minutes or so she couldn’t resist turning around to look back down the lane.

  She had a good view of the big stable, which is where Tuck had said he was going. Sure enough, she soon saw a horse emerge from the back door of the stable, its rider wearing a white shirt. Even though the stable was a good distance away, Maddy knew it was Tucker.

  As she watched, the horse cleared the confines of the corral and took off at a gallop across the field, growing smaller quickly. It appeared Tuck was taking a hard, fast ride to blow off some steam, and Maddy was all too aware that she was the reason.

  He was probably worried she was going to make a nuisance of herself. No doubt the man was hit on constantly, and yeah, she could certainly understand how that would get old. But geez, it had just been a little peck on the cheek. Tuck was overreacting, and now Maddy started to feel a little angry herself.

  She needed to show him he didn’t have to worry. All the hours they had spent together in the hospital had made her feel too comfortable with him, but now that she knew he wasn’t okay with any show of affection, no matter how insignificant, she would resist such urges in the future. Hopefully he would pick up on her good intentions and things could get back to normal soon.

  “Maddy, look!”

  Turning back around, Maddy saw her friend coming toward her, leading an obviously old horse that had to be Magdalena. Libby was beaming and Maddy couldn’t help but return her grin. Determined to enjoy the afternoon on the ranch with Libby, she resolutely pushed Tucker out of her mind. No more brooding for now. She could resume sorting out her ambivalent feelings later.

  “How was your afternoon, girls?” Virgil asked as they all sat down to another incredible meal prepared by Kay. Maddy was still trying to regain her equilibrium after having to endure being carried back inside the house by Tucker. She had been stiff as a board and neither of them had spoken, making the thirty second walk into the house seem much longer and terribly awkward. Even so, the feel of his arms around her and his chest pressed against her side had caused her traitorous heart to pound.

  “It was so good, Uncle Virgil,” Libby said enthusiastically, launching into a detailed account of the hours they’d spent driving around the ranch.

  “Was your seat comfortable, Madison?” Virgil asked. “I saw Tuck’s modification. Looked like a real good idea to me.”

  “It was great,” Maddy said, not looking at Tuck. “But Libby drives like a maniac. I hope I didn’t jar any screws loose, and I mean that literally.”

  Libby laughed. “She’s the proud owner of ten screws in her arm and her right leg,” she informed the older couple.

  Kay reached over and squeezed Maddy’s left arm. “I admire your spunk, Madison. I know you must still have some discomfort, but you’re not letting it keep you down. And you’re sitting there doing your best to eat with your left hand, not calling any attention to yourself. Most girls I know would be throwing an almighty diva fit, and yet you haven’t complained even once, about anything.”

  “She doesn’t know how to complain,” Tuck said.

  His comment surprised Maddy so much that this time she actually did look at him. His blue eyes were unreadable as their gazes met, and she quickly looked away.

  “It’s true. Maddy never complains, and she’s my hero,” Libby chimed in, leaning over to wrap an arm around Maddy’s shoulders.

  “Well, we’re awfully glad you’re here, Madison,” Kay said warmly. “And these two scallawags, too. You can stay as long as you like, you know. None of you could ever outlive your welcome.”

  “Maybe you should put that in writing,” Libby stated with a laugh. “I’m not sure you’ll feel the same way after a couple of months of putting up with us. Not to mention cooking for a few extra mouths every day.”

  Kay chuckled. “Oh, trust me, it’s a lot more fun to cook when it’s for more than just Virgil and me. I love it, I truly do.”

  “Libby and I will do the cleanup,” Tuck declared. “No arguments, Kay. It’s the least we can do.”

  Kay looked a bit mutinous, but then her face relaxed into a smile. “If you insist. It’ll give me a chance to show Madison the photo albums from all your vacations out here.”

  Libby and Tuck both groaned, but Kay followed through and when the siblings went into the kitchen, she got out the albums and soon had Maddy giggling as they went through a treasure trove of pictures. Maddy loved seeing Libby and Tucker as babies, toddlers, grade-schoolers, and then teens. She also enjoyed seeing so many photos of Mr. and Mrs. Simon, although it made her aware of the lack of parents and vacations in her own life.

  When Kay asked where her own favorite vacation spots had been as a child, Maddy found herself telling the other woman about her parents being killed in a car accident when she was only six, and how she had then entered the foster care system. She didn’t go into a whole lot of detail, but considering she usually didn’t talk about it at all, it was a big step to tell Kay as much as she did.

  It was only after she finished her story that she realized Tuck was standing behind her chair. She wondered how much he’d heard. If he’d been there long enough to hear everything she told Kay, he now knew exactly how different their lives had been.

  As they finished going through the photos, Maddy felt exhaustion settling over her. She’d probably overdone it on her first day out of the hospital, but being outside in the fresh air had been exactly what she had needed to shake off the funk of being an invalid. Now, however, the thought of sleeping in a big, soft bed without a noisy, vinyl covered mattress was infinitely appealing.

  “If it’s okay, I think I’m ready to turn in,” she said as Kay replaced the photo books in a drawer. “Can you give me a hand, Lib?”

  “You betcha,” her friend said. “I’ll help get you all ready, and then Tuck can lift you into bed.”

  “We can do it,” Maddy said quickly. “I’m sure we can.”

  Tuck put a hand lightly on her shoulder. “I’ll be up in twenty minutes,” he said decisively, and Maddy knew it was no use to argue.

  Once upstairs, she glared at Libby. “I don’t need Tucker to put me to bed, Libby. You’re getting real good at helping me in and out of the chair when I need to use the bathroom, and the bed isn’t that much different.”

  “Are you kidding? That bed is high. Let him do it, Maddy. It makes him feel useful.”

  “It’s awkward,” Maddy said stubbornly.

  “It shouldn’t be. He’s already carried you all over the place. Just don’t think about the fact that it’s bed, or that you’ll be in a sexy little tank and shorts.” Libby laughed and held up said items. “I’m letting you borrow these, otherwise you’d have to sleep in the nude.”

  “Oh my gosh,” Maddy groaned. “Libby please don’t let him do it.”

  “Don’t make such a big deal out of it,” Libby admonished. “Just enjoy it.”

  Frowning, Maddy started brushing her teeth. Short of sending Tuck away when he came, she was going to have to grin and bear it. Libby cheerfully helped her get ready for bed, and pretty soon the two of them were giggling at their efforts. Playing nursemaid didn’t come naturally t
o Libby, and letting someone else help her didn’t come naturally to Maddy, but eventually the long skirt and tee shirt were replaced by the shorts and tank, both of which were much too skimpy as far as Maddy was concerned.

  Libby brushed her hair while Maddy leaned over the sink and washed her face as best she could before smoothing on moisturizer borrowed from her friend. Finally she was ready and Libby wheeled her out.

  “Where are you, Tuck?” Libby called.

  “Waiting in the hall,” he replied. “Are you two decent?”

  “As decent as we’re gonna get,” his sister told him. “Come flex your muscles and get our girl in bed.”

  Tuck walked in, his eyes raking over Maddy in her skimpy clothes. She was glad her bulky casts and braces covered as much as they did, but she still felt terribly self-conscious. Libby positioned her chair by the bed and then turned down the blankets.

  “Put her here near the edge, so she can reach the lamp,” Libby said, pushing the lamp to the edge of the bedside table.

  When Tuck leaned down, Maddy put her arm stiffly around his neck without looking at him. He swung her easily up and over to the bed, propping her up to sit against the headboard. She quickly pulled the blankets up under her arms.

  “Thanks, both of you. I’m good to go now.”

  Libby frowned. “How will I know if you need to get up during the night? I’d tell you to text me, but you don’t have a phone.”

  “I won’t have to get up. I never do,” Maddy assured her.

  “Well just holler if you do need anything. I’ll leave both of our doors cracked open.”

  “Okay. Thanks, Nurse Libby.”

  “You’re welcome, sunshine. Sleep well in your nice soft, non-hospital bed.”

  “I will. You, too.”

  “Good night, big brother,” Libby said, giving him a hug.

  “Night, sis.” Tuck watched her go, standing there with his hands on his hips.

  Maddy twisted the sheet in her hand, waiting for Tuck to say goodnight and follow Libby out. When he didn’t move, she finally looked up at him. He watched her, his expression shuttered, just as it had been ever since she had given him that blasted kiss.

  She hated it, hated that their easy rapport had been stripped away by one simple, impulsive action.

  “Can we talk this out?” he asked, his voice low and a little rough. “I don’t want to spend the next week avoiding each other.”

  Maddy’s heart jumped when he lowered himself to sit on the bed, facing her. She swallowed hard and spoke up before she lost her nerve.

  “I’m really sorry, Tucker,” she said softly. “I realize now that I crossed a line, but I didn’t mean to. I was just feeling really grateful to you right then. I absolutely hate being a burden, but you’ve been so good about it and you don’t make me feel like I’m being a pain. You took the time to put that cushion in the Gator and it meant so much to me, and it seemed perfectly natural to kiss your cheek. I mean, it was right there and I just did it. As soon as I felt you freeze up I realized I shouldn’t have. I know the last thing you need is another girl making unwanted passes at you. Libby told me once that it happens a lot, but I promise that’s not me, Tucker. I won’t do it again.”

  His jaw had tightened as she spoke, and when she finished he reached over and took her hand, holding it gently between his, looking down at their hands instead of at her. Maddy waited patiently for his response to her rambling apology, hoping she was strong enough to take it.

  “I can deal with unwanted passes,” he said finally. “Your simple kiss wasn’t a pass. And it wasn’t unwanted. That’s not why I reacted the way I did.”

  “Why then?” Maddy asked. “Tell me what I did wrong so I know not to do it again.”

  His hands tightened. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I froze because I was fighting my own need to kiss you back. And trust me, Madison, it wouldn’t have been just a peck on the cheek.”

  When his eyes met hers this time, they weren’t cold and expressionless. Maddy’s own eyes widened and she caught her breath, her pulse racing at his words and the heat in his blue gaze. Before she could stop herself, she said exactly what was on her mind.

  “Well, maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing,” she suggested, her voice barely above a whisper.

  His gaze fell to her mouth for a brief moment, then he dropped her hand and stood up, pacing to the window and running a hand through his hair.

  “It would be bad, Madison. I can’t let myself go there with you. It wouldn’t work.”

  He was only voicing what Maddy had already concluded, she’d even told Libby as much, but it still hurt to hear him say it. It was some consolation to know he had at least thought about kissing her. That was more than she had expected him to admit.

  “I understand, Tucker,” she told him, trying to hide her regret. “We come from completely different worlds.”

  He turned to face her, but still kept his distance. “Coming from different worlds has nothing to do with it,” he said. “It’s my current world that’s the problem. My job, to be exact.”

  A hint of a smile curved her lips. “FBI agents can’t kiss girls?”

  He frowned, then gave her a reluctant, crooked smile. Her humor seemed to relax him, as she’d intended, and he returned to the bed and resumed his seat.

  “It’s complicated,” he began. “My job is important to me. I believe it’s what God has called me to do. And to be honest, I don’t feel that I could be as effective at what I do if I were involved with someone. Some guys can make it work, but not me.”

  “Why is it different for you?” Maddy wondered.

  He shrugged. “I get consumed by my cases and I don’t like distractions. When I’m in the middle of one, I tend to work really long hours and spend very little time at home. It’s the way I’ve always done it, and while it works for me as an agent, it’s certainly not conducive to a relationship.”

  “Sounds lonely,” Maddy said softly.

  He nodded. “Sometimes it is, but I’ve gotten used to it and it’s my choice. I’m good at what I do. It might not seem that way in light of my inability to track down Jimmy Callahan, but I have a near flawless record. I have people at Langley hinting that they want to bring me in as a profiler, and others hinting that if I’m up for being relocated, in a year or two I could be a Special Agent in Charge. That means I’d be running a field office, like Tim does in Charlotte. Both of those options are appealing to me. The Agency is my present and my future, at least as far as I can see, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that until I’m ready to give it up, I’ll be flying solo. I’m not totally anti-social, I do go out every once in a while, but I’m not looking for anything more than that. And quite frankly, it hasn’t been that hard for me.”

  “I see,” Maddy said.

  And at the exact same time Tucker added, “And then I met Madison Harper.”

  She blinked at him, not sure she’d heard him right. “Me?” she squeaked.

  He nodded slowly. “You make me think about more than the job, Madison. I knew right away you might be dangerous to my carefully ordered life, but I thought I was handling it. Things were nice and easy between us when you were in the hospital. I mean, I knew I enjoyed being around you more than I should, and I knew it might be risky to spend time with you here at the ranch, but I figured—what could happen in a week, right?”

  Maddy just looked at him, her dark blue eyes wide with disbelief.

  “But it’s only been a day, and I’ve been blindsided twice. First when I saw you sitting there on the runway, so beautiful I felt like I’d been sucker punched. And then again when you gave me that simple little kiss. On the cheek, no less. God, Madison,” he said roughly. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to kiss someone so bad. It was a battle I almost didn’t win.”

  He looked at her, his eyes a darker blue in the lamplight. “It’s a battle I’m still fighting right now, in spite of everything I just said about not going there.”

&nb
sp; Maddy took a shaky breath and traced the paisley pattern on the comforter covering her. “I understand why you don’t want any distractions from your job. What you do is important and we’re all better off because of your willingness to put everything you have into fighting the bad guys. I know that better than anyone.” She glanced up at him. “But even so, I’m hoping you don’t win that battle. Does that make me an awful, selfish person?”

  He sighed heavily. “You could never be selfish. I’m sending you mixed signals and I’m sorry about that. What I’m trying to say is that I know there’s something between us that has the potential to flare up if we let it. And I’ll even admit that a big part of me wants that to happen, because I’m pretty damn sure it would be incredible. But in the end, no matter how tempting it is, I can’t allow myself to move beyond friendship. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

  Maddy opened her mouth to reply, then closed it again and looked away from him.

  “What, Madison? Tell me.”

  His voice was soft and low and it was all Maddy could do to keep from throwing herself against him and begging him to reconsider.

  She shook her head. “I want to argue but I won’t. I just wish it could be different.”

  Tuck reached over and put his fingers under her chin, turning her face toward him, making her meet his eyes.

  “It’s not in your best interest to be associated with me,” he said quietly. “I don’t want you to get hurt again because of me and what I do.”

  Maddy needed for him to go, because no matter how much sense his words might make, with every second that passed she wanted the man more. Before, her dreams of becoming more than a friend to Tucker Simon had been just that, dreams. And not very realistic ones at that. But now—now he was actually admitting that he was attracted to her as well, and if circumstances were different, they might have a shot.

  It was her dream come true, and also the death of her dream, both at the same time. He was choosing the FBI over a potential relationship, and that was noble and admirable, and it exemplified the qualities that made him who he was. It also filled her with regret for what she’d lost before ever getting the chance to know it, and she knew tears weren’t far away.