Find Me, Save Me

by Barbara Gee

  “Trust me, Madison,” he said, his voice low and confident.

  Dalton led the horse outside, while Tuck put his arm around Maddy.

  “How am I going to get up on him?” she wondered.

  “We’ve got a stump sitting over there on the other side of the fence,” Tuck said, pointing. “I’ll mount up first, then you can step up on the stump with your left leg and I can lift you up from there. You won’t have to worry about using your bad knee.”

  A few minutes later, after a surprisingly smooth mount, Maddy found herself seated in front of Tuck as the big horse ambled slowly from the corral. At first she had a death grip on the horse’s mane, but as she gradually settled into the rolling rhythm of the animal’s gait she loosened her grip and started to relax. Then she became aware of Tuck’s body pressed against her from behind, his arm tight around her waist, holding her securely on the horse. Her sudden breathlessness had nothing to do with fear.

  “Doing okay?” he asked.

  Maddy responded to the smile in his voice with a vigorous nod. “This is better than I thought,” she admitted. “Libby is going to die when I tell her I got up on a horse. She’s been waiting impatiently for me to be healed up enough to ride.”

  “This isn’t really riding, it’s more like plodding along,” Tuck teased.

  “It’s not satisfying your need for speed I’m sure. I saw you riding once, from a distance. You were flying.”

  “You will too, one day. It’s an incredible feeling. But I’m enjoying this, too. I might not have the speed, but I’ve got the hot girl.”

  Maddy gave him a halfhearted jab with her elbow. “Concentrate, Tuck. I don’t want Herc to sense you aren’t paying attention and take off on us.”

  “Herc doesn’t need me to concentrate. He’ll walk a straight line until I turn him. And he doesn’t want to run any more than you want him to. He’s a lazy one.”

  “Good to know. Where are we going?”

  “To the big butte, I guess. That’s about the right distance for your first ride. Any further than that and you’ll be too sore to get out of bed tomorrow.”

  “I don’t think I can get sore anymore,” Maddy replied. “Jolene has worked the sore out of every muscle I have.”

  Tucker laughed. “That’s what you think. Riding takes muscles you don’t even know you have. Trust me, you’ll thank me for not overdoing it.”

  By the time they reached the base of the butte, Maddy had no more fear and was thoroughly enjoying the ride with Tuck.

  “Ready to take a break?” he asked.

  “Sure, but if we get off, how do we get back on? There’s no stump here.”

  “We’ll find a rock or something.” He stopped the horse, dismounted, and reached up for Maddy.

  She was grinning as she swung her leg over and let him lower her down until her feet were on solid ground again.

  “This is fun, Tuck. Thanks for not letting me chicken out.”

  He smiled and led Herc over to a tree where he could stand in the shade and graze. Tuck knew the lazy old guy would stay right there until they were ready to return. He walked back to where Maddy stood, looking over toward the creek. The light breeze was lifting her long blonde hair away from her face and Tuck decided he’d never seen anything quite so beautiful.

  When she heard him coming she turned, her eyes warm and happy. Tuck stepped up to her and tugged her against him. He liked that she didn’t wait for him to make the next move. She immediately rose up on her toes, took his face in her hands and eagerly pressed her mouth to his.

  Tuck liked a girl who went after what she wanted, and he certainly had no problem giving it to her. He growled low in his throat and threaded his fingers into her hair, tilting her head back and adjusting the angle of the kiss, parting her lips as his tongue slid sensuously against hers.

  “Mmmm.” She finally pulled away, her eyes heavy lidded and a little dazed. “I’ve been wanting to do that all day. Best thing ever.”

  She trailed her lips along his jaw and down his neck while her hands moved across his chest and then down over his ripped abs.

  “You’re wreaking havoc on my self-control, baby,” he said, his own hands running restlessly up and down her back.

  She kissed his mouth one more time, then wrapped her arms around his lean waist, her cheek resting against his chest. “I feel like I’m dreaming every time we’re together. I didn’t know it was even possible to crave someone as much as I do you.”

  “I can say the same,” he replied. And it was the truth. Tuck figured if she had any idea how hard it was to keep himself in check with her, she’d be more than half afraid of him.

  “Seriously, Tucker? I’m sure you’ve dated some really incredible women. A man like you draws them like a magnet.”

  “None like you, Madison. Everything is different with you.”

  She shivered, loving how he always called her Madison when things got passionate between them. “I’m glad. I hope it doesn’t change.” Raising her hand she traced a fingertip down the side of his face, her expression becoming pensive.

  “I know you still have reservations about us.”

  “I don’t question how I feel about you, Maddy.” Tuck smoothed his hands across her shoulders, then slowly down her arms. “My only reservations come from my determination to never put you in danger again.”

  “Don’t change your mind about us being together,” Maddy begged. “Please don’t, Tuck.”

  He shook his head. “I think I’ve gone past the point of no return on that, Maddy. I want you in my life, I’m just not sure how to best go about it.”

  “Because you’re worried about more Jimmy’s coming along?”

  “Yeah, I guess that’s it in a nutshell.”

  Maddy moved away from him and shoved her hands in the pockets of her jeans. “Are most of your fellow agents either married or in serious relationships?”

  He nodded as he met her earnest gaze.

  “Are most of the cops you know in committed relationships? And what about the people you worked with in the Air Force?”

  He didn’t respond and Maddy didn’t push it. She already knew the answer.

  “You feel called to what you do, Tuck. You serve your country and your community, even though it puts you at risk. Is it so hard to believe that I feel the same call as the spouses and girlfriends and boyfriends of all the other people who serve? How sad would it be if people were too afraid to form relationships with those who are brave enough to try to make the world a better place?”

  “Maddy—”

  She shook her head and pressed her fingers to his lips. “Just because it happened to us once doesn’t mean there’s a greater chance of it happening again. It’s rare. You know it is. And regardless, it should be my call. You need to let me make it.”

  He narrowed his eyes against the sunlight as he looked at her, and she couldn’t read his expression.

  “You haven’t tried to hide anything from me, Tuck. I know what I’m getting into, and whatever the result, it’s my responsibility, not yours.”

  When he still didn’t respond, she reached for his hands, lacing her fingers through his.

  “Tell me where my logic fails,” she challenged.

  His gaze was steady and thoughtful as he looked down at her.

  “Your logic appears to be sound,” he said, a grudging smile curving his lips.

  “Ah, high praise coming from you,” she said happily. “There’s not a ‘but’ coming, is there?”

  “No, no but. I do have something for you to consider, though. I hadn’t intended to discuss this yet, but it feels like the right time.”

  Tuck started walking toward the creek, his arm firmly around her waist so she could lean on him.

  “Do you remember a few weeks ago when Virgil and Kay called a “family meeting” and took Libby and me into the study for a couple of hours?”

  Nodding, Maddy looked up at him. “I was afraid they had bad news.”

  Tuck
chuckled. “Nope, no bad news. They told us that Libby and I will be inheriting the ranch.”

  “Well that doesn’t surprise me. They love you two like you were their own kids.”

  “Yeah.” He was silent for a moment. “They did have a son of their own, but he died of a heart problem less than an hour after he was born.”

  Tears stung Maddy’s eyes. “Oh, Tuck, that’s so sad. I can’t even imagine.”

  “He would have been a few months older than Libby. They were never able to get pregnant again after that.”

  Maddy wiped her eyes. “I almost wish you hadn’t told me that. I can’t stand to think about it.”

  “They don’t talk about it. Even after all these years, it still hurts too much.”

  “They would have been amazing parents.”

  “You’re right about that,” Tuck said. “They have a lot of love to give.”

  They reached the bank of the creek and he helped her settle into the soft grass, earning him a smile as he joined her. They sat facing each other, thigh to thigh.

  “You and Libby are the next best thing to having kids of their own, though,” Maddy told him. “They love you so much. And they know you’ll love the ranch the way they do.”

  “That’s the thing,” Tuck said. “Virgil and Kay do love this place, but they’re getting to the point where they want to start scaling back. They want to do some traveling while they’re relatively young and in good health, but they’re so tied down here they haven’t been able to. They aren’t putting any stipulations on the inheritance, but their fondest wish would be for Libby and me to start taking over, with or without the retreat center.”

  Maddy tried to tamp down her excitement, but her eyes sparkled, giving her away. “So would you consider moving here?”

  “It’s a possibility. What I need to know, Maddy, is whether you would consider staying here instead of going back to North Carolina. Well, not just consider it, would you want to? Do you think you could you be happy and fulfilled here?”

  Maddy released a shaky breath. Staying on the ranch would be wonderful, but even more thrilling was the realization that Tuck was looking into the future, and seeing her there with him.

  “I want to be where you are, Tuck, it’s as simple as that. But what about the FBI?”

  He leaned back on his hands, his long legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankle. “It’s still what I want to do. The Bureau has invested a lot of time and money into my training, and I’m not ready to give it all up to be a full time rancher. But I’m willing to make some changes. That’s actually what my meeting with Harrison was about. There’s an opening in their office that I’m considering applying for. Not a lot of agents are clamoring to move to North Dakota, so I’m pretty sure it’s mine if I want it.”

  Maddy grinned. “I’m sure Harrison would be thrilled. I could tell the two of you are a good match.”

  “He’s a good man.”

  “Would there be enough action for you in Fargo office?”

  “You’d be surprised. Talking with Harrison was enlightening, to say the least.” Tuck looked at her intently. “So, Maddy, if you had a choice, would you pick North Carolina or North Dakota?”

  Her voice was soft and sure. “I already told you, Tuck. I want to be with you, wherever that turns out to be.”

  “And you wouldn’t mind if that was here instead of North Carolina?”

  “This ranch is the first place I’ve felt like I have a true family. Staying here would be a dream.”

  He nodded agreement. “Staying here feels right. For you and me, and for Libby, and for Virgil and Kay. It would be quite a change, no doubt about that, but I could get really excited about moving out here. It would allow me to be hands on with the retreat center as well, which is also something that feels right. I can see you and Libby making a huge success of that, if it’s what you want to do.”

  “But what if things end up not working out between you and me? If I’m really involved in the retreat center, it might be kinda hard to get rid of me.”

  Putting her fear into words gave her a hollow feeling, but Maddy didn’t want to shy away from the tough stuff. Not when the implications of Tucker’s decisions were so important.

  “Oh no you don’t,” he said, sitting up and taking her chin gently in his hand. “You can’t have it both ways. You can’t use your impressive logic to get me to commit, and then in the next breath say we have to be careful because it might not work. We need to be all in, baby.”

  He leaned over and kissed her and Maddy melted. By the time it ended she could scarcely even remember the point she’d been trying to make. Tuck rested his forehead against hers.

  “I’m not taking this lightly, if that’s what you’re worried about. If I didn’t see you in my life long term, I wouldn’t be asking you to stay here with me.”

  “Okay, Tuck,” she said, feeling blessed beyond measure. “If you’re all in, I’m all in.”

  “That’s what I like to hear. How soon do you think we should tell the others we’re staying?”

  Maddy gave him a shy smile. “I’m ready when you are.”

  “At dinner it is, then. No reason to wait as far as I’m concerned.” He took her head in his hands. “I want this, Maddy.”

  “You’re completely done fighting it?”

  “I am.”

  As he claimed her lips once more, Maddy’s eyes slid blissfully closed. Every kiss with Tuck was better than the last, and she thought maybe it would always be that way. She sighed against his mouth.

  “I wish I’d known you were in my future, Tuck. It would have made the hard times more bearable if I’d known what God had waiting for me.”

  “Tell me about your childhood, Maddy,” he said quietly. “I already know about the good years, when you were with the Johansens. Tell me about the rest of it.”

  Their eyes met for a long moment, then Maddy looked away and pulled idly at the grass by her leg. “It’s in the past,” she said evasively.

  He smiled gently. “It’s in the memory section, I get it. But it still played a part in making you who you are.”

  She sighed. “It’s not easy to talk about, but I will. I don’t want to hide anything from you.”

  And so she told him about it. She shared what she knew of her birth parents, and then took him through all the foster home years. He asked questions, lots of them, and she answered them all, even the hard ones. When she was done he stood up, drawing her with him, and then he wrapped her tightly in his arms, as if he by doing so he could shelter her from any more hurt.

  “God, Maddy,” he said, his lips against her temple. “It makes my heart hurt to picture you as a sad little girl. I hate that while you were wearing dirty clothes to school and wondering whether you’d have enough to eat for dinner, Libby and I were choking on our silver spoons. And the worst part is we had no concept of just how fortunate we were.”

  “Of course you didn’t, you were just kids. I don’t want you to pity me, Tuck, and I certainly don’t want you to feel guilty for being blessed with a stable family. And I’m not hating on the foster care system, either. I know there are some fantastic foster parents out there, like the Johansens. It was just really bad luck that I got a whole string of subpar homes.”

  “What kept you from turning bitter and disillusioned? What gave you hope?”

  “I had some really good teachers who took an interest in me, and they gave me goals to work toward. As long as I knew I could go to school the next morning, I could get through the evening before. And then I had Denton and Julia, who came along at just the right time.”

  Maddy closed her eyes and breathed in the wonderful, familiar scent of him. Unpleasant memories of the past faded with that breath of the future.

  “I’m done talking about me now, and I don’t plan to do it again anytime soon. The next time we have a ‘get to know you better’ session, it’s your turn.”

  “I guess I can’t argue with that,” Tuck replied, �
�but it’ll have to be another time. We should head back to the house soon.”

  “Five more minutes,” Maddy said.

  He rested his cheek on the top of her head. “Five minutes,” he agreed.

  Maddy closed her eyes and listened to the steady beat of his heart beneath her ear. She inhaled again, long and slow. She wondered if he would think she was totally weird if she asked him to leave one of his shirts with her to sleep with. Like a teddy bear, only better. Maybe she could just steal one from his room when he wasn’t around. The thought made her smile and she snuggled closer against him.

  “You make me happy, Tucker,” she said.

  “I hope so. You deserve to be happy.”

  “Don’t dwell on my less than stellar childhood, Tuck. I know that’s what you’re doing and I want you to stop.” She pulled back and smiled up at him. “I’ve had a lot of good years since then, and this one is shaping up to be the best of them all.”

  He bent his head and touched his lips to hers, a light, gentle, lingering touch that made her smile against his lips. That made him smile too, and instead of kissing they just stood there smiling at each other.

  “You make me happy, Maddy,” he said, echoing her words.

  She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “I hope so, Tuck,” she whispered. “You deserve to be happy.”

  Maddy was still smiling as she crawled into bed that evening. It had been such a wonderful day. At the dinner table, Tuck had told the others that he was going to pursue a transfer to the Fargo satellite office, and that both he and Maddy were planning to stay at the ranch for the foreseeable future.

  Libby had literally leapt to her feet and done a happy dance, Kay had burst into tears, and Virgil just sat there with a huge grin on his face. Eventually Kay had dried her happy tears and hugged each of them in turn before serving her famous chocolate cheesecake and coffee. A fitting end for a joyous day.

  As Maddy laid there in her bed, happy but exhausted, she said a heartfelt prayer, thanking God once again for the way things had turned out, for bringing good from the bad. She was indeed blessed beyond measure.