Whispers of Winter

by Tracie Peterson

  “I know. I’ve tried to talk to her. Guilt is an awful thing to try to overcome.”

  An hour later the doctor showed up. He was in between delivering a baby and setting the arm of a man who’d had a nasty run-in with a stack of cut wood. He quickly examined Karen, then turned to Adrik and Leah just as Ashlie joined them.

  “I wondered,” Adrik started before the doctor could speak, “if I should consider moving her to Seattle? I could arrange to have her on the next ship. I could even wire my friend to send a ship. Would the hospital there be able to help her?”

  “I’m sorry,” the doctor said, his eyes downcast. “I can’t advise that.” He looked up, regaining his fac ade of strength. “I don’t expect that she’ll last the day.”

  “No!” Ashlie cried out and rushed to her mother’s side. “You can’t say that. We’ve taken good care of her.”

  “The care she’s received has little to do with the situation,” the doctor said softly. “Just as there was little that could be done to prevent the condition, there is nothing to be done to prevent her passing. I’m so sorry. Medicine has much to offer in this modern age, but unfortunately, treatments for the brain are still limited.”

  Ashlie sobbed against her mother’s neck while Leah shuddered at the chill that washed down her spine. Adrik stood silent as the doctor made his way to the door. “If time permits,” the man said, “I’ll return to check on her again.”

  “I should never have gone away,” Ashlie sobbed. “All of this is my fault. If I’d stayed, Mama would be just fine.”

  “That’s not true,” Adrik said, coming to his daughter’s side. He took hold of her and turned her to face him. “You must stop this. Your brothers will not understand. They will be frightened more than ever if they see you falling apart like this.”

  “I don’t want Mama to die.” Ashlie leaned against her father’s chest. “I don’t want her to go.”

  “Neither do I.” Adrik barely managed to speak the words.

  “No matter what happens, I’m staying here to take care of my family,” Ashlie suddenly declared. She pushed back and wiped her eyes. “If Mama … if she … I’ll be here to take care of you and the boys. You won’t have to worry. I won’t ever leave my family again. Never!”

  Later that afternoon Leah joined her brother and Adrik and Ashlie at Karen’s side. The boys had gone to be with Helaina to help pick up some things in town, and Jayce was again watching over the twins.

  “Her breathing has slowed a great deal,” Adrik told Leah as she took her seat.

  “She’s not in pain, is she?” Ashlie asked Leah.

  “No, I don’t see any signs of that,” Leah replied. “Usually there are ways to tell. Your mother seems quite at peace.”

  Ashlie was stoic. “She deserves so much better than this. I don’t understand how God can be so cruel.”

  “Sickness and death are a part of life, darling girl,” Adrik said, putting his arm around her. “Your mother loves the Lord. She knows that He loves her as well. She wouldn’t consider Him cruel in this and neither should you.”

  “Karen once told me long ago that her only fear of dying young was to leave her children without a mother. She had asked me if I would see to helping your father raise you should anything happen,” Leah said as she took hold of Karen’s hand. “I promised her I would.”

  “I remember that,” Adrik said. “I asked the same of you, Jacob. Remember?”

  “I do,” Jacob replied. “We are here for you, Adrik. For you and the children. You are the only family we have on this earth, besides that which we are making anew.”

  “I can take care of my brothers,” Ashlie said, her tone quite serious.

  “Your mother wouldn’t want you to bear this alone, Ashlie,” Leah said. “No one is meant to take this on by themselves. That’s what family is for.”

  “I can handle the job by myself.” She straightened in the bedside chair and kept her gaze on Karen.

  Leah decided to let the matter drop for now. She would try to talk to Ashlie when they were alone; now was not the appropriate place or time.

  “I think we should sing,” Leah said without thinking. “Karen loved the hymns in church. I think she’d like it if we surrounded her with music.”

  “‘I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice and it told Thy love to me,”’ she began, singing Karen’s favorite song. The others joined, except for Ashlie.

  “‘There are depths of love that I cannot know till I cross the narrow sea; there are heights of joy that I may not reach till I rest in peace with Thee.”’ Leah felt an odd sensation as the words of the chorus permeated the room. “‘Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord.”’

  She gripped Karen’s hand, feeling as best she could for a pulse but finding none. Leah knew her friend was gone. She looked across the bed to where Adrik sat. When their gaze met, Leah knew he already knew. She didn’t need to say a word.

  The words of the song faded just as Timothy came into the room. He looked across to where they had gathered. “The doctor has come,” he announced.

  Adrik put his arm around Ashlie. “Tell him … tell him there’s no need. Tell him my beloved has gone home.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Two weeks passed with a series of blizzards and heavy snows. Leah felt Karen’s loss deeply but tried her best to offer encouragement to Adrik and his family. Ashlie, in particular, seemed impossible to reach. As best Leah could tell, Ashlie was waging a battle within herself, divided by guilt over not having been home sooner and a fierce desire to leave again.

  Ashlie was so like her mother; tall and slender, athletic in nature. Had it not been for some of her father’s darker features, she might have been a strong replica of Karen in her youth. Ashlie also inherited her mother’s outgoing nature and bold spirit. Very little frightened her—except the death of her mother. Losing Karen had sent Ashlie into a dark place. She refused to talk to anyone and usually kept herself hidden away working at one thing or another. A few days after Karen’s death, she had requested that the others stay away from the cabin to allow the family some time alone. While Leah disagreed, she had conceded. She decided to let Ashlie have her way—at least for a short time.

  To her relief, however, the situation didn’t last long. Leah finally began to see hope for a return to normalcy when the girl showed up one morning asking for a lesson in making her father’s favorite dried berry cobbler.

  “I heard that Timothy is planning to return to Seattle.”

  “Yes. He’s leaving at the end of the week,” Ashlie said, looking away as if completely disinterested.

  “What about you? Will you go back? Surely school has started again.”

  “I suppose it has, but I have responsibilities here with my family.”

  “Ashlie, have you talked to your father about this?”

  “Why should I? He needs me. He’s so sad over losing Mama. I have to help him.”

  “Ashlie, I’ve been very worried about you. You and I used to be close. I thought to help you share your grief.”

  “How do you share this?” Ashlie looked at Leah with a befuddled expression. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to have you all at the house. I don’t feel like talking and answering a lot of questions, and I don’t want anyone trying to change my mind. I owe it to my family to be here for them.”

  “It’s admirable, and I don’t fault you for wanting to help them,” Leah admitted. “I know you feel obligated to your family, but I think you should also think about what they need and want too.”

  “Meaning what?” Ashlie finally took a seat but still refused to look Leah in the eye.

  “Meaning that they don’t need you to replace your mother. No one can do that. Not you or me or Helaina. They also don’t need you to stay, only to grow bitter at all the things you’ve had to give up. I know you don’t want to be here, but you feel you have to be here.”

  Her head shot up. “My family is here and they need me. Of course I w
ant to be here. How dare you say I’d grow bitter?”

  Leah shook her head. “Please don’t be angry with me. I’m on your side.”

  Ashlie’s expression contorted. “I’m all they have. They need me to stay here and help. My brothers are too little to be without a mother.”

  “You’re too young to have lost your mother as well. But you won’t give yourself that much consideration.” Leah leaned forward to touch Ashlie’s arm. The girl stiffened, but Leah refused to pull back. “I want you to drop all the pretenses and fac ades related to what you think you’re supposed to be right now. I want you to just talk to me honestly—openly. I’ll keep your confidence, but it’s important that you open up and be truthful about your feelings. You can’t just keep them buried inside.”

  Ashlie bit her lower lip so hard Leah was certain she’d draw blood any moment. The tension in her body never eased, even when she finally spoke.

  “My father needs me to take my mother’s place. My brothers need me. My selfishness killed my mother. I owe it to them to be here.”

  Leah nodded. “All right, let’s talk about this one issue at a time. First of all, your father loves you. He enjoys your company and wants only the best for you. But he does not need for you to take your mother’s place. He’s grieving her loss, just as you are. He isn’t looking for a replacement. He needs for you to be his daughter and for your brothers to be his sons. Would you honestly thrust your father’s responsibilities on the shoulders of Oliver or Chris if he’d died instead of your mother?”

  “Well … no, but I’m older. I’m nearly grown. A lot of girls have had to take over their mother’s duties. Why should I be any different?”

  “Because your father has me. He has Helaina. We are here by choice to begin with, making our home in Alaska. You left because you felt called to something else. You wanted a different kind of experience, and apparently your parents saw the validity of that desire. Would you discredit them for their thinking?”

  “But that was then,” Ashlie began in earnest. “That was when everything was perfectly fine. I went away when things were good and everyone was happy.”

  “I know that, but their reasons for sending you to Seattle haven’t changed.” Leah had spoken with Adrik only the day before and knew that he worried about Ashlie remaining at home. He feared that she would relegate herself to being an old maid, watching over her mother’s children and husband, instead of having a family of her own. He didn’t want to force her to leave, but Leah knew his wish was that Ashlie should not give up her life on his behalf.

  Ashlie seemed to consider Leah’s words. When she looked up, Leah saw the tears that had formed. “I want to do the right thing for them, Leah. The boys are so sad. They can’t believe Mama is gone. I can’t either, but at least I’m old enough to know that these things happen and that they are a part of life. Christopher worries constantly that our father will die as well. Oliver too. They watch him as if he might disappear before their very eyes. I’m so glad he hasn’t had to work for the railroad since Mama died, because I don’t think the boys could bear it.”

  Leah nodded. “I know. But God has provided, Ashlie. And He’s provided for you as well. It will be hard to see you go, but you need to be a young woman with the liberty to seek your own future—not just assume your mother’s role. I admire your willingness to stay more than anything you could have done, but, Ashlie, I want you to have your future. Your very own future. Your father wants it too.” She paused and added, “And, Ashlie, I know your mother would want it.”

  “I don’t know what to do.” The words made her sound so lost.

  “Ashlie, you just need to sit down and talk with your father. He wants you to be happy, and he’s worried about you giving up your dreams.”

  Ashlie began to cry. “But if I go … if I go … what will happen then?”

  “Life will go on,” Leah said softly. “It always does. People come and go in our lives; sometimes they stay for a long while and other times they are here just a brief period. The important thing is that we cherish them while we have a chance. I don’t tell you to go without grave consideration to the matter— your father would say the same. It’s a dangerous world; there’s a war going on in Europe, and Americans are a part of the fight. But Myrtle needs you as much as anyone here. Your schooling awaits you. And who knows where it will take you and what interests you might find? Don’t give it up, Ashlie. I’m afraid you’ll always regret it if you do.”

  “But being here for my family is the right thing to do,” Ashlie said, seeming to regain some composure. “I’ve always been taught to put my family first. That family is the one thing that lasts.”

  “I agree, and if there were no one else to be here for your father and brothers, I would tell you to stay. I promise you, I would.” Leah smiled and gently rubbed the back of Ashlie’s hand. “Your heart is full of good motives. It’s full of love. That doesn’t change just because you make plans to go away.”

  “But won’t it be hard on Chris and Oliver? To see me go after losing Mama?”

  Leah leaned back and crossed her arms. “It will be hard no matter what. If you stay, it will be hard because you aren’t their mother. They might even resent you for trying to take her place. If you go, they will feel another sense of loss and miss you. Either way, there will be some degree of pain. But, Ashlie, life is full of pain and misery. Sorrow dogs our heels and refuses to let us be. But God has also promised that we can overcome everything in Jesus. Jesus said, ‘In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”’

  “I don’t understand that. Of course Jesus overcame. He’s God. What does that have to do with me?”

  “You belong to Him. He loves you and He cares what happens to you. Because you have given Him your heart, He lives in you. Therefore, you have also overcome. It doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen, Ashlie, but it does mean that you have victory before they ever come to roost on your doorstep. You have Jesus. You have only to keep your eyes fixed on Him and let your faith in Him be firmly rooted.

  “And, Ashlie, you aren’t to blame for what happened to your mother. No one is. Something went wrong inside her head. You didn’t cause it. Your brothers didn’t cause it.”

  “But people sometimes die because they work too hard.”

  Leah smiled. “Your mother worked much harder when you were all at home and much younger. I remember because I was here helping for part of that time. Look, you can’t continue to carry this burden, Ashlie. It isn’t yours to carry for one thing, and for another, it will consume you and make you old before your time. Your mother died because it was her time to die. Nothing more. Nothing less. You don’t have the power of life and death in your hands. Only God does.”

  For several minutes Ashlie sat in silence. Getting up, Leah decided to check on the twins and give Ashlie some time to consider what she’d said.

  “I want to go back to Seattle, but I’m afraid of hurting my father.”

  Leah ran her hand against the smooth wood of a chair Adrik had made. “Ashlie, I think it would hurt your father more if you refuse to talk to him and share your heart. Why don’t you just go to him and explain how you feel? Tell him everything you just told me. He’ll understand. I promise.”

  “You don’t think it will just make him sadder than he already is?”

  “No. I don’t think anything could make him as sad as losing your mother. The worst has happened, and now he’s just trying to put his life back together. Talk to him.”

  Ashlie nodded and got to her feet. “I will. I’ll go find him right now.”

  The snows let up and the temperature warmed just a bit the next day. The tall spruce and hemlocks were covered with a fresh frosting of white. Their heavy boughs seemed to reach to the ground, as if asking for help to free them from their bonds. Across the landscape the white coating left everything with a clean, pristine feel. It was like a world untouched.

  For all of her time in Alask
a, Leah had not really encountered a place like this. In Ketchikan the winters had been mild, with more rain than snow, while in Last Chance the winters had been bitterly cold, with some snow and a great deal of fog and wind. It snowed far more here in the Ship Creek area than she’d even experienced in the Yukon. There was probably two feet of snow on the ground already, and she’d been told there was bound to be a whole lot more before winter ended.

  Leah looked at the canvas pieces in her hands. She was always sewing these days, it seemed. Not that she minded. Her mother used to say that the sewing basket told the family’s story. Tales of adventures gone awry or of new babies born. Stories of prosperity or poverty played out in the creation of new clothes or the multiple mendings of old ones. The memory made Leah smile.

  “I can’t believe the way these babies are growing,” Helaina, said shaking her head at the twins.

  Leah looked at the new canvas trousers she had been working on for Wills. He’d grown nearly two inches taller in the past few months and all of it seemed to be in his legs. “I know. I saw it in other people’s children but hadn’t expected it in my own.” She glanced at the clock and put her sewing aside. “I need to go make sure Ashlie is doing all right getting supper on. Could you keep an eye on the children for me?”

  “Of course.” Helaina raised her own sewing. “I’m just about finished with this baby gown, but it seems much too tiny.”

  “It won’t be.” Leah smiled and pulled on her parka. “You’ll see. I thought the same thing when I was making clothes for the twins.”

  “I just want them to be perfect,” she said, studying the piece.

  Leah smiled. “I’ll only be a minute. The twins should be asleep for at least another hour.”