The crowd burst into raucous applause, and I joined them, adding my own cheers to the noise. Jason walked off stage. The guards swarmed over the bodies of the men. I peered over the heads of the other concubines, trying to see more closely.
Lori tugged on my hand, and I turned to her. “Take a walk with me?” she asked, smiling.
I nodded. Of course I’d walk with Lori. We got up and left the stage, wandering down towards the river. We walked along the bank, the sounds of chirping insects all around us.
Lori gave me a conspiratorial grin. “I didn’t want to talk to you around the other girls. I thought it would be a little strange for them. Many of them don’t understand. Even though they’ve been selected to be Jason’s companions, many of them have never been intimate with him. I assume you have?”
Whoa. She was asking me if I’d had sex with Jason, wasn’t she? “Last night,” I said. “There was some...intimacy.” I felt shy, like it was none of Lori’s business. But I supposed that we’d both been with the same man, so there was no reason to be shy about it.
“I thought so,” she said. She stopped walking and grasped a strand of long grass growing by the side of the river. “To be honest with you, before you came, I was the one who bore the bulk of Jason’s, well, needs.” She yanked on the grass, pulling it up by the roots. “I’ve always felt privileged to serve him and the community in the way that I’ve been able to, but I have to say that I’m relieved that you’re here.”
“Relieved?”
She twisted the piece of grass around her fingers, not looking at me. “I suppose earlier, I might have given a different impression. I suppose I felt like I’d been supplanted by you. Like you’d filled a spot in Jason’s affections that had been mine. But when he spoke to me, I realized nothing could be further from the truth. That Jason still cared as deeply for me as he did for everyone in the community. I was allowing individualist thinking to cloud my thoughts.”
I nodded, even though she wasn’t looking at me. “That’s so hard, though, Lori. Before we were here in this community, we all focused on ourselves as individuals. Not on the group.” Between bouts of lovemaking last night, Jason and I had talked about this. His vision for Jasontown—a place where everyone was truly equal. Part of equality was surrendering oneself to the group, making decisions for the good of the community instead of just for one’s own good. It was a difficult transition to make. I could see that. But it was an important one. “I mean, we all struggle with that. That’s what I was struggling with last night at the house gathering when I ran off.”
She looked up at me, smiling. “Thank you for that affirmation. I really needed to hear that.” She tossed the piece of grass aside. “Still, I wanted to talk to you, because I know that being so close to Jason, and yielding to his...desires can be a heavy burden that is difficult to bear.”
Burden? I made a confused face.
Lori sighed. “Jason is a very important and powerful man. He isn’t like the rest of us, and he’s put himself under so much pressure for the community. For everyone. He handles it so gracefully most of the time, but in his proclivities, he sometimes lets go to a great degree.”
“What are you saying?” I said. I was completely confused.
“I don’t know what your experience with him last night was like,” she said. “Sometimes he can be very sweet. Other times, he’s...more forceful.”
I furrowed my brow. “What happened between Jason and me last night was...” What? A spiritual melding of souls and bodies? It was my turn to look away from Lori. Maybe it had felt like that to me, but that wasn’t the case. If it were the case, Jason wouldn’t still have a house full of concubines right across the street. I was one of many. I needed to remember that.
Lori reached for my hands. She looked into my eyes. “I want you to know that I don’t mean this in a negative way at all. Jason is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. And I was happy to wear the bruises that he sometimes gave me in order to serve the community. It was my role.”
I pulled my hands away from hers. “Bruises?”
She swallowed. “You can’t judge Jason the way you would an ordinary man. You’ll never meet a man like him again. He’s...he’s enlarged my mind.”
I nodded. I knew what she meant. Jason had changed the way I thought and felt too, and only in a very short time.
“I had no one, you see,” she said. “I couldn’t tell anyone what he did. If he...if he ever hurts you, you’ll have me. Okay?”
I shook my head. The idea was ridiculous. “He wouldn’t hurt me.”
“I thought that too,” she said.
An idea formed in my mind. A ridiculous idea. One that made no sense, but still felt true. It seemed like something I knew deep in the fiber of my being. Jason wouldn’t hurt me . Other girls, other people, yes. But me ? Never. But hadn’t I just gotten through telling myself to stop thinking that I was special to Jason? I wasn’t. I was only another one of his concubines. I needed to understand my place. I kept shaking my head at Lori. “I can’t imagine him being...”
She shrugged. “Sometimes, he’s different. He gets...” She grabbed my hands again. “Maybe he’s better now. Maybe you make him better. He said you would. He said you’d been sent to him to heal him. I hope he never does anything to you. I really hope that.”
I made Jason better? I didn’t think so. It was the other way around. Jason made me better. Whole. Happy. Content. He was larger than life. I was nothing.
CHAPTER SEVEN
~joan~
I nestled against Jason’s shoulder. It was late at night. A sheet covered us. He held me so carefully in his arms, like I was something precious. I felt safe and comfortable. There was something familiar about being close to him like this, even though I didn’t know why. Our bodies fit against each other like puzzle pieces. I felt like I’d done this before. But for all I knew, it was a trick. I had no memory of who I was or what I’d done. Even though Jason seemed to think he’d known me. I traced patterns on his chest with my fingertips. His eyes were half open as he gazed at me.
“Do you still think I’m her?” I asked.
He groaned sleepily. “Let’s not talk about this right now.”
I propped myself up on my elbow. “But if you know who I am, I’d like to know. I don’t remember anything.”
Jason looked at the headboard of the bed, rolling his head on the pillow and looking annoyed. “Come on, Joan. Let’s go to sleep.”
I felt a tiny stab of fear, thinking about what Lori had told me earlier. Maybe I shouldn’t push him. Maybe if he got mad, he’d—
“You’re only thinking about this right now because I’m a little bit drained,” he said. “I can’t seem to keep up my powers after being with you.” He pulled me close. “You are exhausting,” he growled in my ear.
“I didn’t hear you complaining.” I playfully poked him.
He kissed me. “I’m not complaining now. I’m happier than I’ve been in years.” He looked thoughtful. “Although maybe it wasn’t a callous. Maybe they didn’t resist me. Maybe being with you is what made me lose power over them.”
He was talking about confusing stuff again. I didn’t know what to say to it. So I said, “I’m happier too. I mean, I think. I don’t remember.”
“Remembering any of it is just going to be painful,” he said. “Don’t you want to be happy?”
I snorted, pulling away from him. “Ignorance is bliss, huh?”
He covered his eyes with his hand. “I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t want to ruin anything. I just got you back, and I want to enjoy the present, not dwell on the past.”
“Got me back ?” I repeated. “You do think I’m her. Who is she? Who am I?”
“Joan, please.”
I rolled over, my back to him, pulling the sheet tight around my body.
“Don’t be like that.” His body was surrounding me, the hard muscles of his chest hot against my back. He kissed my shoulder. “Could we talk abo
ut this in the morning?”
I didn’t answer. Instead, my hand went to the scar on my upper arm, a circular knot of tissue. I fingered it. What had happened here? “You recognized my scar. How did I get it?”
He didn’t answer at first. His lips tickled my neck, the top of my spine. “You were shot.”
I turned to look at him. He was telling me, wasn’t he? He thought I was that girl who had such a complicated past. Hell, if I had her scar, it must mean that I was her. Why was I thinking about this now, anyway? I hadn’t thought about it all day. No, all I’d thought about before was how happy I was, how wonderful Jason was, how perfect it was here in Jasontown. Was Jason right? Was I only trying to make myself miserable by digging at the past? Maybe. But I had to know anyway. “Why did someone shoot me?”
He ran his fingers over my back. “It was my fault.”
“You shot me?” I rolled over so that I was facing him.
“No, of course not. I would never do that to you.” He brushed hair out of my eyes. “It was my fault because people were always after me back then, and I couldn’t protect you from them. Then, I mean. I can now. I can stop anyone from trying to hurt anyone. My powers make people want to stop fighting. They make people happy. I make people happy now. You couldn’t see it before, but you see it now, don’t you? Isn’t everyone happy here?”
“Blissfully,” I said, grinning. It was strange for me to see him so vulnerable and unsure of himself, but somehow, it made me care about him more. It was a different feeling that filled me now, not as overpowering as the pleasure that I’d felt all day being close to Jason, but instead sweet and sharp. I wanted to reassure him, hold him close and let him know everything would be okay.
“So, you do see it?”
I nodded. “Of course I do. I think what you’re doing here in Jasontown is amazing. You’re a great man, Jason, and I’m humbled to be allowed to be this close to you.”
“No,” he said. “Don’t be like that. Not like the rest of them. You’re different. You don’t have to act like I’m some kind of...”
“But you are. You’re a spiritual leader, Jason. You’re a force for good. And you have a powerful message. You’re different. You’re more than the rest of us.”
“You and I are the same,” he said. “We’ve always been the same.”
I laughed. “Lori said you told her I was going to heal or you or something.”
“You will. You are. Already, I feel so much better.” He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. “If only I could be sure the community wasn’t ripping itself apart. Sometimes there’s so many of them, I don’t know if I can keep it up. Keep pumping all the happiness and peace into them. I feel like I’m going to run dry.”
“Of course you can keep it up. You’re Jason. And I’m nothing compared to you. I’m ordinary. I don’t have anything like what you have.”
“That’s not true,” he said. “You’re so much more than ordinary. You’re...” He didn’t finish.
“Who am I? What did we share together?”
He sighed, still staring at the ceiling. “You heard what I called you. Before I kissed you.”
Did I remember that? I searched my recollections, remembering the bliss of that night. Oh. Maybe I did remember. I’d corrected him. Told him my real name. “You called me the name of the witch,” I murmured. “The one who’s trying to kill you.”
“Yeah,” he said.
I sat up in bed. “That’s who I am?” I felt disgusted. I felt dirty. “No. It can’t be true.”
“We weren’t always trying to kill each other,” Jason said.
“I don’t believe it,” I said.
“Good,” he said. “Because as far as I’m concerned, you’re not her. Not anymore. And we don’t ever have to talk about this again.”
I lay back on the bed, too stunned to say anything in return. How could I be Azazel, the Witch of the OF? She was a terror of a woman, sending armies of men to their deaths all over the country. She was dead set on her mission to eradicate Jason from the earth. I couldn’t be this woman. I couldn’t be Jason’s sworn enemy. I loved Jason. Maybe I’d never thought those words before, but they were true. I didn’t want to hurt him. “How?” I whispered.
“How?” he repeated, not understanding my question.
“How did I go from loving you to hating you? How did I start trying to kill you? And why I am here, with no memory of any of it?”
“I don’t know,” said Jason. “I don’t know why you’re here. I don’t where your memories went. And I don’t know what happened. One day, you—she—just stopped feeling whatever it was she’d felt for me. Ever since then, I’ve tried to do everything I could to show her that I wasn’t evil, that I could do good. That’s what I’m doing here. I’m helping these people in Jasontown. All of them. I thought if she could see that I wasn’t a monster, she’d—”
“Stop,” I said. “You’re not a monster, Jason. She’s a monster. She’s more evil than you could ever be. And I’m not her. No part of me could ever hate you.”
Jason kissed me fiercely. “Say it again.”
“What?”
“That I’m not a monster.”
“You’re not a monster,” I said.
“You mean it?”
“Of course I do,” I said.
He kissed me again, wrapping his arms tightly around me.
* * *
~kieran~
I hadn’t meant to fall asleep. The men had taken my car during the night. They’d had one man drive it off to God-knows-where. All of the provisions I’d brought were inside, and so I was left with only what I’d taken into the building with me the night before. Luckily, that meant that I had most of Chance’s stuff and most of our food. The men had piled it all up to take from me, but after they were dead, they weren’t exactly able to keep me from getting it again. Overall, without a car, it was okay, because I could only take what I could carry. I’d spent the morning lugging Chance and all of our stuff as far away as I could. Finally, he’d started getting cranky, and I’d stopped to feed him, hiding us as best I could behind some trees along the road. I’d fed Chance and he’d fallen asleep in my arms. And I’d fallen asleep too, as much as I hadn’t wanted to.
I dreamed.
In my dream, I was Azazel. As usual. I was sitting inside the waiting room of an office. There were magazines on an end table. The front desk was manned by several women, all of whom were dead. They had gray skin, stretched tight against their skeletons. They were surrounded by hordes of flies. Jason was sitting next to me. He threw a magazine against the wall.
“This is stupid,” he said.
I realized we were in a counselor’s office. Jason and I were waiting for our turn to see the therapist. “It isn’t stupid. It’s good. It’s helping.”
“I don’t need their help.” Jason got up. He kicked the chair he’d been sitting in. “I’m fine. I don’t need to tell anyone about my life. I told you. That was enough. You still accept me. That’s enough. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.”
“The point isn’t to get the therapist to accept you,” I said, feeling frustrated. “The point is for you to accept yourself.”
“You accept me,” he said again. “That’s all that matters.”
I stood up too. I began to edge toward the door. “I can’t do this for you anymore,” I said. “I can’t be whatever it is you need me to be. I am too screwed up to save you. I can’t even save myself. You’ve got to help me. You’ve got to help yourself.”
“Why?” he said. “I have you. Your love makes me whole.”
I shook my head, hand on the doorknob of the office, ready to burst outside. “I want to love someone who can be whole without me. I want to love someone who can live without me. I want to love someone who can give. All you do is take, Jason. And I don’t have anything left.”
“Where are you going?” he said, looking alarmed. “Don’t you know I’ll go absolutely insane without you?”
&
nbsp; I opened the door. “That’s not my problem anymore. It never should have been my problem. Fix yourself, Jason.” And I walked outside.
But instead of stepping into the sunshine, into a parking lot outside the therapist’s office, I found myself inside the OF headquarters, in Lily’s office. And suddenly, I was me—Kieran—not Azazel. Lily, the President, and several other OF members were sitting around her desk. No one looked up when I entered.
“How could you have let this happen?” the President was asking Lily. “I thought you said he was under control.”
“Kieran surprised us all,” said Lily, pursing her lips. “I never thought he’d simply leave.”
“And now we have no idea where he is,” said another OF member. “Well, this is perfect. We’ve got nothing. And the uprisings are getting worse.”
“We have another option,” Lily said. “I’ve been detecting a disturbance, quite powerful, near Cumberland, Maryland. There’s someone there who’s wielding power that might be strong enough to rival that of either Jason’s or Azazel’s.”
“Kieran’s, you mean,” said the President.
Lily rolled her eyes. “I’ve already got people in the area, scouting it out. Give the word, and we’ll have this powerful person, whoever he or she is, brought back to D.C.”
Suddenly, the sound went away. I could still see the people in Lily’s office talking, but I couldn’t hear them. Instead, I heard a different voice.
“Maybe they don’t deserve the powers,” said the voice, a voice I couldn’t place.
Flies began to crawl into Lily’s office through cracks in the ceiling. They swarmed in through the windows, blocking everything out.
“Maybe we deserve the powers. Maybe we should take them.”
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