Perfectly Imperfect Mine

by Amelia Shea

  The truckers were simple. They spent most of their time on the road. They were loners by nature so conversation wasn’t something they wanted. But she found out quickly what they did want. It took her a good year to figure it out. She watched the other girls and learned a lot. When Sadie started at the diner, she swore that wasn’t for her. Nope. No way. She would not earn her tips by flaunting her tits. Eventually she tried it, and hell, it worked. Just unbuttoning the top two buttons and the cleavage popping out, her tips increased.

  Life was about survival. She used what she had to get by.

  At exactly five a.m., Sadie clocked out. In the break room, she took her apron off and shoved it into her locker. The break room was tiny but it served its purpose. She was putting on her jacket when Juan passed by.

  “Hey, Juan!” she yelled out to the empty doorway.

  He walked backward to stand in the door. Juan didn’t speak much English. Besides, hi, bye, yes, no, and thank you, she didn’t think she’d ever heard him speak. He was one of the busboys at Bernie’s. They worked almost all the same shifts. They were about the same age, though he might have been younger. He was a hard worker, always on top of bussing the tables and swept at the end of his shift.

  She waved her hand for him to come into the break room. Sadie reached into her bag and pulled out a folded wad of ones and handed it over to him. He smiled at her and said, “Thank you” in broken English. The waitresses were supposed to give a five percent cut of their tips to the busboys. Not everyone gave but Sadie always did.

  “You’re welcome. Have a great night!” She smiled at him but got no response. He was already counting the money. She figured he lived similar to her, every little bit counted.

  Hoisting her bag over her shoulder, she walked around Juan and passed through the kitchen. Waving to Willie, she was through the doors and out onto the floor. She scanned the diner. At five after five, it was still quiet, waiting on the breakfast crowd to come in. Her shift started at nine last night; it was a long night.

  The incident with her obsession happened an hour into her shift. By the time Sadie came back in from her break, he was gone. She had spent the last seven hours trying to block the incident from memory. Melinda didn’t say anything about it when she came back in from break, which she was thankful for. Melinda sensed she didn’t want to talk about it and felt bad. She thought she was doing Sadie a favor and it backfired. It wasn’t her fault Sadie’s obsession turned out to be an asshole.

  “Good night, everybody,” she said to no one in particular. She threw her hand up in a wave as she strutted to the door.

  “Don’t you mean ‘Good Morning’?” A feminine voice snickered sweetly from the counter.

  Sadie smiled at Pearl. Pearl was another waitress at Bernie’s. She trained Sadie and became one of her few friends. She was older than Sadie at forty-four but they just clicked from the beginning. Pearl had looked out for Sadie from the start. The years hadn’t been too kind to her. She had a rough life. Some things she had shared with Sadie, some things she knew from watching her. Poor choices in men had been Pearl’s downfall. She was probably a beautiful woman once but the years showed on her face. She had great curves though and the best personality. She was a favorite amongst the customers.

  “Ha…my night, your morning. Have a good one.” Sadie snorted while buttoning her coat as she headed toward the exit.

  She was just about to the door when Melinda touched her arm.

  “Hey, girl, I just wanted to say sorry about before, you know, table two?” She shifted her weight from one leg to another in a nervous sway.

  “No big deal.” Sadie shrugged. Her heart still stung but Melinda shouldn’t feel bad. It wasn’t her fault he was a jerk, and it certainly wasn’t her fault Sadie was obsessed with him.

  She bit her lip and Sadie could tell she still felt guilty.

  “I just thought,” she stopped and fidgeted with her order pad, “the way he’s always watching you, staring at you when you’re with customers…I just thought he was interested, you know.”

  Sadie’s eyes widened and her mouth fell open. “He watches me?”

  “Well, yeah, all the time.” She nodded her head.

  What? She never saw him watch her. Mostly it seemed as though she didn’t exist. She never caught him looking at her or checking her out and she watched him all the time. Maybe Melinda was wrong, maybe he was looking at someone else. Maybe he was just daydreaming in her direction. After the way he acted tonight, Sadie couldn’t see why he would be watching her. He didn’t even want her around him. He had made that perfectly clear.

  She heard a customer ask for the check and broke out of her daze to meet Melinda’s eyes.

  “Anyway, listen, next time we have off, let’s go to DL’s? We’ll get our drink on and have some fun.” She smiled at Sadie. Her cure to all things was a drink and a good time. It sounded like a great idea.

  “Definitely!” Sadie replied, matching her smile.

  “Great!” She winked as she sauntered back to her customer.

  Pushing through the glass door, Sadie headed out to her car. Walking past the front of the diner to the side of the building, her mind tried to grasp what Melinda just told her. Her obsession watched her? Sadie was torn between disbelief and shock, but a little excitement creeped in. The butterflies were back and her lips spread wide. He watched her.

  Chapter 2

  Sadie’s mind had been on him—her obsession—the entire way home. Was he really watching her? If he was interested then why was he such a jerk? It didn’t make sense. Sadie pulled into the trailer park entrance and drove down the pebbled street. It was early with no one in sight. She had lived at The Cedar Bluff trailer park since she and her mom first moved there sixteen years ago. She was six. They lived with her aunt in Indiana before moving to Cedar Bluff, Nebraska. Her mom and Aunt Jenn, her mom’s sister, fought all the time. Her mom couldn’t wait to leave and took the first opportunity she got. That opportunity was a salesman named Billy. Her Aunt Jenn wanted Sadie to stay. She could still remember listening to them argue from the top of the stairs. She would wake up to yelling—her mother’s voice. Her mom always yelled. Aunt Jenn was always the calm one.

  “Lori, just hear me out. Leave Sadie here with me, just ’til you get settled. You and Billy get some time alone and I can keep Sadie with me until you are ready for her.”

  There was silence. Sadie remembered the burst of hope she had. Maybe her mom would say yes and she’d get to stay. But as always, her mom disappointed her.

  “No. She’s my kid and she comes with me. You want a kid, go have one Jenn, but you ain’t getting mine.” Her mom’s tone was nasty. It always was when it came to Aunt Jenn.

  When they first moved to Cedar Bluff, Sadie hated it, mainly because she missed Aunt Jenn so much. Her aunt loved her. She took care of her; she played with her, read to her, fed, and bathed her. She did everything a mother should do. All the things Sadie’s own mother didn’t. She was devastated about moving but Aunt Jenn promised to visit. The morning they left Sadie hugged her aunt so tight she might have left bruises. Sadie began to cry as she waved to Aunt Jenn from the backseat of the car and didn’t stop for the entire car ride. She cried all eleven hours.

  Aunt Jenn sent her packages every month with clothes and books. She’d even sent her famous brownies. Of all the things she sent, her letters were Sadie’s favorite. She asked about school, “Hey Kiddo! How’s school? I bet you have made lots of friends. Is your teacher nice?” Her letters were always positive, “Think of this as a new adventure and write me all about it!” “I’ve never been to Nebraska, what’s it like? How exciting it will be during the winter. All that snow, you’ll have so much fun, Sadie!” Aunt Jenn always ended her letters the same. “Remember, I love you, Sadie, no matter how many miles separate us, I’ll always love you kiddo!” Sadie loved her letters. She survived her first year away because of those letters.

  Aunt Jenn didn’t visit. She planned to but she never
came. Sadie always thought her mom had something to do with it. When she asked, her mom just said it was bad timing. A year and a half after they moved, Aunt Jenn died. It was a freak car accident, rainy conditions, and she lost control of her car. She was pronounced dead at the scene, she had died on impact. She was gone.

  Sadie and her mom didn’t go back for the funeral. Her mom said it would be too hard. She continued on with life and expected Sadie to do the same. But she was devastated, heartbroken. A part of her had died that day. Sadie was never the same.

  Life went on.

  Sadie wiped the tears from her eyes and pulled into her spot in front of her trailer. All these years later and she still missed her aunt. It was hard to let go of someone you loved so much and loved you back.

  Sadie got out of her car and walked up to her front door. She unlocked the door, opened it and walked in. Flicking on the lights, she kicked the doors closed and locked it back up. She looked around the trailer. Thank you, Billy for inviting my mom to this hellhole. Sadie snorted. Billy only stayed for two months before he left her mom.

  After Billy, it was a revolving door of men. Her mom had men come in and out of her life, some good and some bad. They all had one thing in common, they all left. Sadie stopped keeping track of her love life at an early age. Her mom’s famous mantra became “this is the one, Sadie.” She would just smile and nod. Listen when it was expected. Be happy when her mom was happy. Leave her alone when her mom was raging from being left for another woman. This happened a lot.

  Sadie grabbed a bottled water and plopped down on her couch. This place had been home for so long with so many memories. She stared at the empty corner by the TV. They had put up a small Christmas tree in that spot every year. Her first Christmas had been great, a few presents under the tree. Sadie smiled at the memory. The next year hadn’t been so sweet. Sadie remembered jumping out of bed and running to the tree to find it empty. Not one present under the tree. Her mother’s words still ringing in her head.

  “I told you Santa’s always watching, you must have been bad this year.”

  “Jesus, Lori, don’t tell her that.” Her mom’s boyfriend Gary said. He walked over to Sadie where she had stood in front of the empty tree with tear filled eyes.

  “Maybe he got lost, kid. Maybe he’ll bring you extra stuff next year.” Gary gave a weak smile. She had to give credit to Gary for trying. More than her mom did. The first of many childhood letdowns in Cedar Bluff.

  Sadie spent her childhood watching people. Kids didn’t bother with her at school. She never had many friends. She didn’t want them. She talked to kids, even played tag in the courtyard. But she didn't have any true friends. She didn’t have sleepovers, she didn’t have birthday parties. She was invited to a few but never went. They didn’t have “money to buy rich kids more shit.” Mom’s words, not hers. Eventually the invitations stopped.

  Sadie learned at an early age her life was not the same as the other kids. She didn’t get new clothes for the first day of school or picture day. She didn’t have baked treats to bring in on her birthday. Her hair was never in bows. Santa didn’t come every Christmas. Sadie learned to be okay with it. That’s what she told herself. Still, there was one thing she never gave up hope on getting—a pet.

  As a child, she begged and pleaded for a dog. Every Christmas and birthday, it was the only thing she asked for.

  “Please Mom, I promise to take care of it.” Sadie had pleaded.

  “No! Damn it, Sadie, dogs are messy and unruly. Do you know how much they cost? I can barely afford to feed you, I’m not wasting my money on a goddamn dog. Now, I don’t want to her one more word, ya hear me?”

  It didn’t stop Sadie from wanting a dog. She vowed that when she was old enough and on her own, she would get a dog. She never did.

  She always read a lot as a kid. She loved getting lost in someone else’s story. She loved being able to be someone else through other people’s words. Books were her escape. By the time she reached high school she would swipe her mom’s romance novels. Everything she learned about sex came from those books. That explained why she was so disappointed when she had her first sexual experience.

  She managed to hold onto virginity until she was twenty. She had been kissed a few times. But she never wanted to do anything else. When the few boys she dated realized they weren’t going to get anything else from her, they left. Of course, not getting any didn’t stop Ricky Smith from telling his friends he banged her against her trailer and nailed her in the field behind the school. Sadie was mortified when she heard the rumors. She was embarrassed that she became center of the world of high school teens. The watcher became the watched. But then a new rumor circulated and her alleged promiscuity became old news.

  Sadie continued her reading, did her class work, and blended in throughout the remainder of her high school years. Her mom left with Lance right after Christmas during her senior year. He was moving to Indianapolis for work. He had been transferred and asked her mom to go with him. Ironically, the one place she so eagerly fled, she would return to.

  She left Sadie the car and paid the rent until July. Sadie was given money for groceries and a promise that she would send more once they were settled.

  “This is a new beginning for me, Sadie, this is it, he’s ‘the one,’ I just know it.”

  She was happier than she had ever been.

  “Lance loves me and we are going to have a great life in Indiana.” People asked why Sadie didn’t go with her. Her mom never asked her.

  The next two years Sadie worked. It seemed like that was all she did. She had a routine that she rarely strayed from for those two years. She would work the night shift, come home, and crash until early afternoon. She’d go for a run, which became her passion. She saved enough money to get an iPod—used but new to her. She would read her romance novels or watch TV. She’d eat dinner and head back to the diner. She had always been a creature of habit. Some days she would go to the park and people watch. For all the changes her life brought, her fascination of watching other people remained a constant.

  On her twentieth birthday, Pearl insisted on taking her out. She was too young to bar hop but Pearl knew the bouncer at DL’s bar and got her in. It was the best night. They drank, danced, and laughed. That was also the night she met Tyler. Tyler was handsome.

  He had stared at her the whole night before he finally came over to their table. “I have to buy the prettiest girl in this place a shot. What’ll it be, gorgeous?”

  He was sweet and charming with boyish good looks. Tall and thin with brown shaggy hair and hazel eyes. He wasn’t gorgeous by Hollywood standards but Sadie was smitten.

  From the day they met she was hooked. He told her he loved her after a month together. They had sex two months later. All her romance novels ruined it for her. It wasn’t romantic—it was painful and she was relieved when it was over. Their sex life got better, which was to say it no longer hurt. She learned early on that when it came to sex, Tyler was a taker not a giver. She could never come during sex. She started to fake it when he got angry that she couldn’t come fast enough. He went down on her twice—in two years. Both times she faked an orgasm about ten minutes in. After he’d leave for the night, she’d take care of it herself.

  Best present she ever received—the bunny. She had found the silver wrapped present in her locker after my shift on my twenty-first birthday. The card read, “Happy Birthday and enjoy!” Her face turned bright red when she opened the box to find the pink bunny-shaped vibrator surrounded by tissue paper. It took her weeks to finally take it out of the box and days after to finally get up enough courage to try it. When she did, that bunny changed her life. Thank you, Pearl!

  It became obvious to Sadie that Tyler wasn’t everything she originally thought. He told her he loved her but he never asked how her day was at work. He didn’t take her out often and when they did he always asked her to spot him the cash ’til payday. He didn’t call her just to say hi or tell her he was th
inking of her. But still she stayed until their second anniversary. That was the final straw.

  After a surprise visit to his place for their anniversary she caught him cheating. It could be best described as “caught in the act,” literally. She was heartbroken, she cried. In the privacy of her home, she yelled, she screamed, and she swore vengeance on him. And ultimately, she healed. She mourned the loss of their relationship.

  It’s amazing how clear you could see a relationship when you were no longer a part of it. She wasn’t in love with Tyler. She was in love with the idea of being in love. She cried but mostly because the companionship was gone. She didn’t really miss Tyler, she just missed being with someone.

  Sadie got up from the couch and headed to her room. She had enough of old memories for one night.

  Chapter 3

  “The way he’s always watching you.”

  Melinda’s words had replayed in her mind for the last twenty-three hours.

  She tried to recall a time when she had seen him watching her but couldn’t. It was she who watched him. A few times, while she was staring at him, he looked over. Their eyes met and hers darted away, embarrassed at being caught. Her face usually flushed and she’d nervously find something on the opposite side of the diner to clean up. That only happened a few times. He rarely looked her way. Or so she thought.

  She had hoped he would come in again but so far he hadn’t. He had come in every night that she worked the past two weeks. On her day off, she managed to ask Pearl nonchalantly about whether he came in or not. Pearl didn’t make her suffer by teasing her, she simply said, “Nope not yesterday. Isn’t it funny how he only comes in during your shifts?”

  At the time, she thought it was coincidence. She was just happy she didn’t miss him. But now with Melinda’s words popping back in her head, Sadie wondered. Was he watching her?