Almost Lost

by Beatrice Sparks

  Paula began talking softly, almost to herself. “When Sammy was gone, and I was mentally and physically and emotionally and spiritually at my wit’s end, there were times when I’d think people were being overly critical or that they were thinking what an incompetent mother I was or something.”

  “Now that you’re mentally and physically and emotionally and spiritually well again, what are you hearing, not only from their verbal but from their nonverbal communication?” I asked.

  “Only positive things. Well, nearly always positive things.”

  “Have their communications changed?”

  “No.”

  “What has changed?”

  “How I listen to what other people are saying, or trying to say, I guess.”

  “Sometimes do you think it’s more important to listen to what people are trying to say than to what they are actually saying?”

  “Oh, yes, especially with children.”

  “Dorie, if a four-year-old boy was playing in the sandbox and had his castle almost finished when his mom called and insisted that he come in the house ‘right now’, what do you think that little boy might think his mom was saying?”

  “That he was making a stupid sand castle, and it wasn’t important, and he wasn’t important either?”

  “What if his mom took the time to explain that it was getting dark and he could finish his magnificent castle perfectly in the morning and they’d take some pictures of it, the greatest structure ever built by man or boy in the history of mankind?”

  “I think he’d think he was cool, and he’d probably come in.”

  “Do you think what we say and how we say it, and the way people listen to what we say makes a difference?”

  A unanimous “Yes.”

  “Would you like to take home a Listening Therapy Game, so you can all, as family members, become more skilled at listening?”

  Unanimous “Yes.”

  “Okay, remind me to give some copies to you before you leave, in case I forget. Now just one more little exercise before we go on. Sammy, will you pass out this lined paper, and, Dorie, will you pass out the pencils? I’m going to give you some what-if questions. Remember, you’re going to answer them as though you were listening intently to what he/she is TRYING TO SAY instead of what he/she is really saying. REMEMBER, THE QUESTION IS: WHAT IS THE PERSON TRYING TO SAY?

  1. You come around a corner and practically bump into a dirty, scraggly-looking street kid. He/she groans, ‘Get outta my face.’ What do you think he/she is really wanting to communicate to someone, anyone? A. I am lost and lonely.

  B. I like being here and who I am.

  C. Please help me.

  D. I feel good about myself.

  2. Mom, Dad, or one of the kids has had a miserable, rotten, all-around terrible, ego-deflating, physically sickening day (which everyone has once in a while). Said person snaps at you when you ask them a question or don’t do exactly what they want you to do when they want you to do it. CAN YOU LISTEN TO WHAT THEY MEAN instead of what they say? A. I’m tired and cranky. Please be patient with me for a little while until I get myself straightened out.

  B. I like myself when I’m short-tempered like this.

  C. Being mean makes me feel better.

  D. Blowing off steam like this is healthy.

  E. Somebody’s been horrid to me so I have the right to pass it on.

  3. Someone at your school, office, or wherever is acting uncaring, unaware, and unconcerned. They knock papers off your desk and don’t pick them up or apologize. They step on your toes or do other things that annoy or frustrate you. CAN YOU HEAR WHAT THEY ARE NONVERBALLY SAYING? Should you… A. Tell them what a jerk they are being.

  B. Gossip with others about them.

  C. Ask them if something is wrong.

  D. Ignore them.

  What would you do if you found his/her family had been in a horrible accident and were all in the hospital in critical condition?

  4. What if on the freeway someone screamed at you as he/she zoomed around you into another lane. Would you: A. Scream back at them and clench your fists as he/she had done, thereby shooting deadly toxins into your own body, telling yourself you had a right to do that since he/she started the problem.

  B. Wonder why the person was acting so erratically?

  C. Compute in your mind the experience as a negative visual lesson regarding how foolish anyone appears when they are out of control.

  Would listening to the still, small, quiet voice within you, instead of the angry voices outside, keep you at peace, keep your blood pressure down, keep you from pumping poisonous toxins into your body?

  If you’ll go through the rest of the Listening Therapy Game, the What-If Quiz, and the self-evaluation pages together when you get home, and if you listen to this tape again, you probably will find your answers changing, becoming more positive, more thoughtful, more kind and caring, more nourishing and healing,” I said.

  “Now, Sammy, why don’t you share with us how you feel about your dad reuniting with you and the rest of the family?”

  “I feel great. He always was my hero, except when…” Sammy shrugged. “But that’s over.” His voice became wet. “I love him. I respect him! And I can’t wait till our lives are all going smoothly again, well a little bit upsy-downsy like all lives go. But just having Dad here is…” He looked embarrassed.

  Dorie chimed in, “I’m happy as can be.”

  Dana looked at Lance quickly, then looked away. “How do we know that…it won’t happen again?” She’d been ten when Lance had left.

  I gripped her shoulder tightly. “I’m proud of you, Dana. It takes a strong person to ask difficult questions.”

  Lance stared Dana straight in the eye, then did the same to the other members of his family. Only Paula’s eyes wavered, and her gaze fell to the floor. Lance pleaded, “I was weak. I was young. I was stupid. Like the dumb bear, I wanted to see what was on the other side of the mountain. Dana, do you remember that song we used to sing?”

  She started singing it softly. One by one the others joined in:

  The bear went over the mountain

  The bear went over the mountain

  The bear went over the mountain

  To see what he could see.

  And all that he could see

  And all that he could see

  Was the other side of the mountain

  The other side of the mountain

  The other side of the mountain

  Was all that he could see.

  “I was like that dumb bear. Because I had come from an underprivileged home with an alcoholic stepmother and a pretty heavy-drinking father and had to work even to put myself through high school, let alone college.” Lance looked at Paula and choked up. “I could never have accomplished that without the help of your wonderful mother. Anyway, I was like that dumb bear—I just had to see what was on the other side of the mountain. I thought I had missed so much. I didn’t know that I had left so much. Everything that was good and honest and worthwhile was right here in the sacred family circle: the protection, the love, the security, the growth, everything! I didn’t see it then, but I see it now! It was like I was blind. Oh, please, please give me another chance.”

  Sammy and Dorie pushed their chairs close to his. Dana and Paula smiled but held back. Sensing their discomfort I stood up. “You have all come a long way, and I suspect you have many other things you want to talk over and think over carefully. There’s no hurry. Take your time. Talk, listen, think, and look at the long-range program.”

  Dorie, who was squirming and had gone to the bathroom three times during the session and had obviously been ready to leave for some time, added “And go get some ice cream now!”

  Sammy started picking up copies of the Listening Therapy Game, the DISTORTED THINKING EVALUATION, and the What-If Quiz. “Then after dinner, we’ll all do our homework together! Mom, can Dad come home to dinner?”

  Lance: “Paula, why don’t I take you
all out to dinner?”

  Paula didn’t have a chance to answer, Sammy and Dorie so happily did it for her.

  SUMMARY OF SESSION

  FAMILY SESSION WITH SAMUEL, PAULA,

  LANCE, DANA, AND DORIE

  The Listening Therapy Game was introduced. As usual it was startling to find how often family members thought they heard something that wasn’t said, but that they wanted to hear! Sammy and Dorie have mended the fences between them and their father. Paula and Dana are still cautious. I am optimistic.

  Samuel, Paula, Lance, Dana,

  Dorie Gordon Family Chart

  Saturday, October 15, 3:30 P.M.

  Thirteenth Visit

  Paula called and said Lance wanted to have another family meeting, part of it with just him and her, part adding Sammy, and the last portion including the girls. Grandma Gordon, Lance’s mother, was visiting for the weekend, and she would bring the children at their appointed times.

  Lance and Paula came into the office laughing.

  “You two look happy.”

  LANCE: “We are. We’re making a lot of good changes in our lives.”

  PAULA: “But there are still some problems.”

  DR. B: “There will always be problems. But, it is easier to manage big things if you break them down into little pieces, isn’t it? Do you have a certain problem, one in particular?”

  PAULA: “Yes, Lance and I are unsure about how much we should tell Dana and Dorie about his past.”

  DR. B: “Are you considering it from the point of what will be best for the girls?”

  LANCE: “I don’t want to lie to them, but neither do I want to burden them with the stupidity of what seems like my long-ago indiscretions…especially my drug addiction. I’m not sure it would be good for them, especially at their young ages, to know their father was so weak, so easily led, so concerned about peer pressure and about fitting in. I think they need to have a strong father figure now, someone they can look up to and respect. Dana isn’t sure she can trust me at this point. How could she ever learn to trust and accept my opinions and guidance if she knew the worst of my past?”

  Paula sighed. “The poor little ten-year-old sweetie. Life is very confusing to her. The bad stuff at the elementary school she’ll still be going to next year, the filthy language in the halls, the drugs, the drinking and the rapes she hears and reads about. She feels she can talk to me openly because I’m a nurse, but sometimes I almost wish she wouldn’t, it’s so depressing. Kids today are bombarded on every side by things that give them wrong, unhealthy messages. One day we were talking about a movie she and some friends had seen, and she said, “Things have gotten so crazy and mixed up between what’s right and what’s wrong that I’ve heard this year even Santa Claus is going to have trouble deciding who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.’ She meant it as a joke, and I laughed, but it about broke my heart, the concept was so true.”

  Lance reached over and put his arm around Paula’s shoulder. She obviously felt his warm compassion and returned hers. It was a big step forward in their positive healing therapy program. He whispered, “Everything will work out all right, Paula. You’re a good, strong, well-balanced mother and your kids will learn from you to pull out the weeds.”

  Paula sighed. “Like Sammy did?”

  “You were not in any way responsible for that. I was! And I’m sure it was thoughts of you that kept him from getting in even deeper than he did.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Well, I can’t be sure about Sammy, but I can be sure about myself, and YOU were the one, your love, your goodness, the pain you’d feel, that kept me from…taking that last final permanent step.”

  Paula whispered, “Blowing out your candle?”

  “What?”

  Paula was so overcome by quiet sobs that she could no longer speak. I explained for her. “Sammy told both Paula and me, ‘It’s my candle, I can blow it out if I want to.’”

  Lance and Paula clung to each other like small, lost children. Lance repeated over and over, “I didn’t know…I didn’t know he’d sunk to…to…that depth, too.”

  I interrupted. “But he didn’t blow out his candle! That’s the good thing. And isn’t it wonderful that you can come here and let me be the Hold-It-Together-Figure so you can both allow yourselves to be a little more in touch with your own tender, vulnerable emotions?”

  They both nodded, and Lance whispered, “Poor, poor little Sammy. No one who hasn’t gone through it can understand the totally tortured, no-way-out anguish that possesses a person who finds himself in such an unbearable, excruciating place that…suicide…seems like the only way out. Poor, poor, dear, dear Sammy. I wonder if his knowing I too have trod that precarious path helped him understand my…my…whatever…” He stretched out both arms with his palms up in a helpless gesture.

  I offered, “Do you think it might be a healing thing for you and Sammy to talk openly about suicide? Every seventeen minutes someone in the United States commits suicide. It’s such a big problem that it can’t be hidden or placed in the ‘not to be talked about’ category any longer. I’ve found that just airing the subject and saying the word out loud helps to bring it into a governable position. Sammy and I have talked a little about what one can do to combat suicidal thoughts. Working with those concepts, the two of you should be able to strongly fortify each other. Perhaps Sammy will also teach you something about the TOXICITY OF NEGATIVITY.”

  Lance looked intrigued. “If that’s what I think it is, I’d like it for the whole family, actually the world family.”

  “Maybe we should take up the TOXICITY OF NEGATIVITY when the whole family is together. for now let’s finish up the drug business, okay?”

  “What do you think we should do?”

  “You and Paula have talked about it, I’m sure. What did you decide together you should do?”

  “I think in the girls’ best interest, it should be by us considered a mistake forgiven and, someday, hopefully, almost forgotten. Perhaps in later years, if it’s necessary, we can explain to the girls. I hope I’m not just being macho and self-serving about this. I’ve tried very hard not to be,” Lance said.

  “What do you think, Paula?”

  “I don’t know. I just don’t want to make a big mistake that might come back on us and compound everything later.”

  “Would it make it easier on the girls, or make them happier if you divulged the information? Would it help Sammy or Lance?”

  “No.”

  “Would it make you feel better, or make Lance feel better about himself?”

  “No.”

  “Can you think of any positive, building, happiness- or peace-giving reasons to parade a past drug problem in front of two innocent little girls? Would that help anyone in any way? I’m not answering for you, I’m simply asking how you feel.”

  “I feel better. I think I just needed to talk it out a little more. Lance and I don’t have much time together, just the two of us, no matter how he divides his weekends. Saturday from about eleven to Sunday about four doesn’t leave much one-to-one time for any of us.”

  “How are you doing with the trust factor, Paula? That is, if you want to talk about it.”

  “Well…I want to trust Lance’s decisions…and him…but it’s hard. It is really hard.”

  Lance held her hand tightly. “I know it’s hard for you to trust me completely, Paula, after how deeply I’ve hurt you and the kids, but thank God you are at least giving me a chance to prove to you that I can change, that I have changed!”

  “I am trying. I do want to!” Then she blurted out, “Am I wrong in not letting him stay with us, I…I’m so muddled. Am I being selfish, oversensitive, unforgiving?”

  “I wish I could answer those questions for you, Paula, but I don’t know what feelings and thoughts you have in your mind and heart. I can only say this: you can’t be wrong if you’re doing what you honestly and sincerely think in your heart is right.”

  Lance le
aned closer to her. “That feels right to me too, Paula. After the kids go to bed tonight let’s stay up and talk until we feel good about the things we’ve discussed both here and at home…your home. I won’t push, I promise! I’ll go back to the hotel.”

  Paula: “Thanks, Lance, and I feel good about not telling the girls now that we’ve looked at it from different angles and talked about it.”

  Lance smiled broadly. “I’m so glad. I’d hate having my hideous mistakes brought out for everybody to gossip about.”

  Sammy knocked softly on the door, then popped his head in. “Yo, everybody. Been waiting for me?”

  Lance and Paula got up, hugged him, and led him in. “Sure we have, Eggbert. All our lives.”

  As soon as Sammy had sat down, Lance asked him confidentially, “Sammy, how do you feel about telling the girls about my past drug problem?”

  Sammy seemed shocked. “Why would anyone in their right mind want to lay that on those little kids? The National Enquirer maybe, but no one who cared a bit about decency or healing or anything else positive and good.”

  Paula put her hand on his cheek. “We certainly wouldn’t want to be counted among those kinds of people.”

  Sammy looked more secure than either of his parents. “I don’t think we should ever tell the girls, or Grandma or Uncle Gordo or anybody! That problem should be strictly between Lance and God, just as my old problems should be! What good would it do to dig up that garbage and wallow in it again? We gotta choose between being hogs or eagles as Dr. D. once said.”

  Lance blew his nose loudly. “I’m with you, son. From this moment on I commit to go soaring through the sky forever! My wallowing-in-the-slop days are over! Honest!”

  Sammy grinned from ear to ear. “Me too.”

  Paula smiled gently. “Me three.”

  “Paula, get one of your scalpels out of your purse and let’s each take a blood oath,” Lance teased.

  Paula put on her mom face, and Lance and Sammy both snickered and straightened up in their chairs. “I guess we’d better get back to being serious about serious things.”