Billy and the Minpins

by Roald Dahl

  ‘You can never get down from this tree,’ Don Mini said. ‘I’ve told you that. If you’re stupid enough to try, you’ll be eaten up in five seconds.’

  ‘Is it the Spittler?’ Little Billy asked. ‘Is it the Terrible Bloodsuckling Toothpluckling Stonechuckling Spittler?’

  ‘I’ve never heard of any Spittler,’ Don Mini said. ‘The one waiting for you down there is the fearsome Gruncher, the Red-Hot Smoke-Belching Gruncher. He grunches up everything in the forest. That’s why we have to live up here. He has grunched up hundreds of humans and literally millions of Minpins. What makes him so dangerous is his amazing and magical nose. His nose can smell out a human or a Minpin or any other animal from ten miles away. Then he gallops towards it at terrific speed. He can never see anything in front of him because of all the smoke he belches out from his nose and mouth, but that doesn’t bother him. His nose tells him exactly where to go.’

  ‘Why does he blow out all that smoke?’ Little Billy asked.

  ‘Because he’s got a red-hot fire in his belly,’ Don Mini said. ‘The Gruncher likes his meat roasted, and the fire roasts it as it goes down.’

  ‘Look,’ said Little Billy, ‘Gruncher or no Gruncher, I’ve simply got to get home somehow. I’ll have to make a dash for it.’

  ‘Don’t try it, I beg you,’ Don Mini said. ‘The Gruncher knows you’re up here. He’s down there now waiting for you. Climb down a bit lower with me and I’ll show you.’

  We Know All the Birds

  Don Mini walked easily, straight down the side of the great tree-trunk. Little Billy climbed carefully after him, from one branch to the next.

  Soon, below them, they began to smell the revolting hot stench of the Gruncher’s breath, and the orange-red smoke was now billowing up into the lower branches in thick clouds.

  ‘What does he look like?’ Little Billy whispered.

  ‘Nobody knows,’ Don Mini answered. ‘He makes so much steam and smoke you can never see him. If you are behind him you can sometimes catch a glimpse of little bits of him because all the smoke is being blown out in the front. Some Minpins say they have seen his back legs, huge and black and very hairy, shaped like lions’ legs but ten times as big. And it is rumoured that his head is like an enormous crocodile’s head, with rows and rows and rows of sharp pointed teeth. But nobody really knows. Mind you, he must have gigantic nose-holes to be able to blow out all that smoke.’

  They stayed still, listening, and they could hear the Gruncher pawing the ground at the base of the tree with his giant hooves and snorting with greed.

  ‘He smells you,’ Don Mini said. ‘He knows you aren’t far away. He’ll wait forever to get you now. He adores humans and he doesn’t catch them very often. Humans are like strawberries and cream to him. You see, for months he’s been living on a diet of Minpins, and a thousand Minpins is not even a snack for him. The brute is ravenous.’

  Little Billy and Don Mini climbed back up the tree to where all the other Minpins were gathered. They seemed glad to see Little Billy come safely back. ‘Stay up here with us,’ they said to him. ‘We’ll look after you.’

  Just then, a lovely blue swallow alighted on a branch not far away, and Little Billy saw a mother Minpin and her two children climb quite casually on to the swallow’s back. Then the swallow took off and flew away with its passengers seated comfortably between its wings.

  ‘Good Heavens!’ cried Little Billy. ‘Is that a special tame bird?’

  ‘Not at all,’ Don Mini said. ‘We know all the birds. The birds are our friends. We use them all the time for going places. That lady is taking her children to see their grandmother who lives in another forest about fifty miles away. They’ll be there in less than an hour.’

  ‘Can you talk to them?’ Little Billy asked. ‘To the birds, I mean?’

  ‘Of course we can talk to them,’ Don Mini said. ‘We can summon them any time we want if we have to go somewhere. How else would we get our supplies of food up here? The Red-Hot Gruncher makes it impossible for us to walk anywhere in the wood.’

  ‘Do the birds like doing this for you?’ Little Billy asked.

  ‘They’ll do anything for us,’ Don Mini said. ‘They love us and we love them. We store food for them inside the trees so they don’t starve when the icy-cold winter comes along.’

  Suddenly all sorts of birds were alighting on the branches of the tree around where Little Billy was sitting, and the Minpins were climbing on to their backs in droves. Most of the Minpins had small sacks slung over their shoulders.

  ‘At this time of day they go off to collect food,’ Don Mini said. ‘All the grown-ups have to help in getting food for the community. The population of each tree looks after itself. Our large trees are like your cities and towns, and the small trees are like your villages.’

  It was an astonishing sight. Every kind of wonderful bird was flying in and perching on the branches of the great tree, and as soon as one landed a Minpin would climb on to its back and off they would go.

  There were blackbirds and thrushes and skylarks and ravens and starlings and jays and magpies and many kinds of small finches. It was all very fast and well-organized. Each bird seemed to know exactly which Minpin it was collecting, and each Minpin knew exactly which bird he or she had ordered for the morning.

  ‘The birds are our cars,’ Don Mini said to Little Billy. ‘They are much nicer and they never crash.’

  Soon all the grown-up Minpins, excepting Don Mini, had flown away on birds and only the tiny children were left. Then the robins came in and the children began climbing on to their backs and going for short flights.

  Don Mini said to Little Billy, ‘The children all practise learning to fly on robins. Robins are sensible and careful birds and they love the little ones.’

  Little Billy simply stood there staring. He could hardly believe what he was seeing.

  Call Up the Swan

  While the children were practising on the robins, Little Billy said to Don Mini, ‘Is there no way in the world to get rid of that disgusting Red-Hot Smoke-Belching Gruncher down below?’

  ‘The only time a Gruncher dies,’ Don Mini said, ‘is if he falls into deep water. The water puts out the fire inside him and then he’s dead. The fire to a Gruncher is like your heart is to you. Stop your heart and you die at once. Put out the fire and the Gruncher dies in five seconds. That’s the only way to kill a Gruncher.’

  ‘Now hang on a minute,’ Little Billy said. ‘Is there by any chance a pond or something around here?’

  ‘There’s a big lake on the far side of the forest,’ Don Mini said. ‘But who’s going to entice the Gruncher into that? Not us. And certainly not you. He’d be on you before you got within ten yards of him.’

  ‘But you did say the Gruncher can’t see in front of him because of all the clouds of smoke he blows,’ Little Billy said.

  ‘Quite true,’ Don Mini said. ‘But how is that going to help us? I don’t think the Gruncher is ever going to fall into the lake. He never goes out of the forest.’

  ‘I think I know how to make him fall in,’ Little Billy said.

  ‘What I want,’ Little Billy went on, ‘is a bird that is big enough to carry me.’

  Don Mini thought about this for a while, then he said, ‘You are a very small boy and because of that I think a swan could carry you quite easily.’

  ‘Call up a swan,’ Little Billy said. Suddenly there was a new authority in his voice.

  ‘But … but I hope you’re not going to do anything dangerous,’ Don Mini cried.

  ‘Listen carefully,’ Little Billy said, ‘because you must tell the swan exactly what he has to do. With me on his back he must fly down to the Gruncher. The Gruncher will smell me and know that I am very close. But he won’t see me through all the steam and the smoke. He’ll go mad trying to get at me. The swan will tantalize him by flying back and forth right in front of him. Is that possible?’

  ‘Quite possible,’ Don Mini said, ‘except that you might easily
fall off. You’ve had no flying practice at all.’

  ‘I’ll hang on somehow,’ Little Billy said. ‘Then the swan, keeping very low, will fly off through the forest with the ravenous Gruncher hotfoot in pursuit. The swan will keep just ahead of the Gruncher all the time, driving him crazy with my smell, and in the end the swan will fly straight over the big deep lake and the Gruncher, now travelling at terrific speed, will follow right behind. Presto, he’s in the lake!’

  ‘My boy!’ Don Mini cried. ‘You are a genius! Will you do it?’

  ‘Call up the swan,’ Little Billy ordered.

  Don Mini turned to one of the robins which had just come back from a practice flight with a child Minpin on its back. Little Billy heard him talking to the robin in a kind of curious twitter. He couldn’t understand a word of it. The robin nodded its head and flew off.

  Two minutes later, a truly magnificent swan, as white as snow, came swooping in and landed on a branch nearby.

  Don Mini walked over to it and once again a curious twittery conversation took place, a much longer one this time, with Don Mini doing nearly all the twittering and the swan nodding and nodding.

  Then Don Mini turned to Little Billy and said, ‘Swan thinks it’s a great idea. He says he can do it. But he’s just a bit anxious because you have never flown before. He says you must hang on very tight to his feathers.’

  ‘Don’t you worry about that,’ Little Billy said. ‘I’ll hang on somehow. I don’t want to be roasted alive and eaten by the Gruncher.’

  Little Billy climbed on to Swan’s back. Many of the Minpins who had flown away a short while before were now returning on their birds. Their tiny sacks were bulging. They stood around on the branches staring in wonder at the sight of this small human preparing to take off on Swan.

  ‘Goodbye, Little Billy!’ they called out. ‘Good luck, good luck!’ And with that, the great swan spread his wings and glided gently downward through the many branches of the big tree.

  Little Billy Hung On Tight

  Little Billy hung on tight. Oh, it was thrilling to be flying on the back of this great swan! It was wonderful to be up in the air and to feel the air swishing past his face. He hung on very tightly to Swan’s feathers.

  And suddenly, there it was just below them, the huge billow of orange-red smoke and steam coming from the nostrils of the awesome Gruncher. The smoke enveloped the beast completely, and yet through the smoke, as they got very close, Little Billy could just make out the enormous black shadow of some hairy monster. The snorting grew louder, and as the brute got more and more excited by the nearness of the delicious Little Billy smell, the smoke began coming out faster and faster, whoomphwhoomph, whoomph-whoomph, whoomph-whoomph. Little Billy could feel the monster getting closer, whoomphwhoomph, whoomph-whoomph, whoomph-whoomph.

  Swan was flying back and forth right in front of the snorting cloud of smoke, tempting and tantalizing the beast and driving him mad with greed. The beast, or rather the cloud of smoke, kept lunging at Little Billy, but Swan was too quick for him and jinked away every time. The snorting grew louder and more ferocious every second, and the whoomph- whoomphs of thick hot steam came pouring out, thicker than ever.

  Once, Swan looked round to see if Little Billy was all right. Little Billy nodded and smiled, and he could swear Swan nodded and smiled back at him.

  At last, Swan must have decided they had done enough teasing. The great thick orange-red cloud was leaping up and down in a frenzy of hunger and desire, and the whole forest was echoing with the snorts and growls of the awesome creature. Swan glided round and headed in a straight line towards the edge of the forest, and of course the vast cloud of smoke came hurtling after him.

  Swan was very careful to fly low all the time, keeping just in front of the Gruncher, leading him on and on, threading a path carefully through the great trees in the forest. The scent of human food was very strong in the Gruncher’s nostrils, and he must have been thinking that so long as he kept going flat out, he would catch his meal in the end.

  Suddenly, right in front of them, on the edge of the forest, was the lake. The Gruncher, hurtling along right behind them, was interested only in the glorious human scent he was following.

  Swan flew straight towards the lake. He skimmed low over the water. The Gruncher kept going.

  Little Billy, looking back, saw the Gruncher plunging right into the lake, and then the whole lake seemed to erupt in a mass of boiling steaming frothing bubbling water.

  For a brief moment, the terrible Red-Hot Smoke-Belching Gruncher made the lake boil and smoke like a volcano, then the fire went out and the awesome beast disappeared under the waves.

  Hooray for Little Billy!

  When it was all over, Swan and Little Billy flew higher and circled the lake for a last look.

  And suddenly the whole sky around them was filled with birds, and every bird had one or more Minpins on its back. Little Billy recognized Don Mini riding on a fine jay and he was waving and cheering as he flew alongside them. It seemed that all the other Minpins from the big tree had turned up as well to witness the great victory over the dreaded Gruncher. Every kind of bird was circling around Little Billy and Swan, and the Minpins on their backs were waving and clapping and shouting with joy. Little Billy waved back and laughed and thought how won­derful it all was.

  Then, led by Swan, all the birds and the Minpins returned to the home tree.

  Back in the tree there was a tremendous celebration for Little Billy’s victory over the dreaded Gruncher. Minpins from all over the forest had flown in on their birds to cheer the young hero, and all the branches and twigs of the great tree were crowded with tiny people. When the cheers and the clapping had died down at last, Don Mini stood up to make a speech.

  ‘Minpins of the forest!’ he cried, raising his small voice so that it could be heard all over the tree. ‘The murderous Gruncher, who has gobbled up so many thousands of us Minpins, has gone forever! The forest floor is safe at last for us to walk on! So now we can all go down to pick blackberries and winkleberries and puckleberries and muckleberries and twinkleberries and snozzberries to our heart’s content. And our children can play among the wild flowers and the roots all day long.’ Don Mini paused and turned his eyes upon Little Billy who was sitting on a branch not far away.

  ‘But ladies and gentlemen,’ he went on, ‘who is it we have to thank for this great blessing that has come upon us? Who is the saviour of the Minpins?’ Don Mini paused again. The Minpins in their thousands sat listening intently.

  ‘Our saviour,’ he cried out, ‘our hero, our wonder-boy, is, as you already know, our human visitor, Little Billy.’ (Cheers and shouts of ‘Hooray for Little Billy!’ from the crowd.)

  Don Mini now turned and spoke directly to Little Billy. ‘You, my boy, have done a wonderful thing for us and in return we wish to do something for you. I have had a word with Swan and he has agreed to become your personal private aeroplane for just as long as you remain small enough to fly on his back.’ (More cheers and clapping and shouts of ‘Good old Swan! What a great idea!’)

  ‘However,’ Don Mini continued, still addressing Little Billy, ‘you cannot go flying around all over the place on Swan’s back in full daylight. Some human would be bound to see you. And then the secret would be out and you would be forced to tell your people all about us. That must never happen. If it did, crowds of enormous humans would come clumping all over our beloved forest to look for Minpins and our quiet homeland would be ruined.’

  ‘I’ll never tell a soul!’ Little Billy cried out.

  ‘Even so,’ Don Mini said, ‘we cannot risk you making daylight flights. But every night, after the light in your bedroom has been switched off, Swan will come to your window to see if you’d like a ride. Sometimes he will bring you back here to see us. Other times he will take you to visit places more wonderful than you could ever dream of. Would you like Swan to take you home now? I think we can risk just one more quick daylight flight.’

 
; ‘Oh gosh!’ Little Billy cried. ‘I’d clean forgotten about home! Mummy’ll be in a panic! I must fly!’

  Don Mini gave the signal and in five seconds Swan swooped down and landed on the tree. Little Billy climbed on to his back, and as the great swan spread his wings and flew away, the whole forest, not just the tree they were in but the whole forest from end to end, came alive with the cheering of a million Minpins.

  I Will Never Forget You!

  Swan landed on the lawn of Little Billy’s house, and Little Billy jumped off his back and ran to the living-room window. Very quietly he climbed in. The room was empty.

  ‘Little Billy,’ came his mother’s voice from the kitchen. ‘What are you up to in there? You’ve been very quiet for a long time.’

  ‘I’m being good, Mummy,’ Little Billy called back. ‘I’m being very very good.’

  His mother came into the room with a pile of ironing in her arms. She looked at Little Billy. ‘What have you been doing?’ she cried. ‘Your clothes are absolutely filthy!’

  ‘I’ve been climbing trees,’ Little Billy said.

  ‘I can’t let you out of my sight for ten minutes,’ his mother said. ‘Which tree was it?’

  ‘Just one of those old trees outside,’ Little Billy said.

  ‘If you’re not careful you’ll fall down and break an arm,’ his mother said. ‘Don’t do it again.’

  ‘I won’t,’ Little Billy said, smiling a little. ‘I’ll just fly up into the branches on silver wings.’

  ‘What rubbish you talk,’ his mother said and she walked out of the room with her ironing.