Wild Inside

by Artemis Anders

  Hannah began to laugh, almost spitting out her champagne. “Jesus, D. It’s a porn star wedding dress.”

  Diana burst out laughing, then covered her mouth so that Elena and the others wouldn’t hear. She went to try dress number two, a more classic style with cap sleeves, a sweetheart neckline, and an empire waist. Much better. She appeared in front of Hannah once more.

  Hannah took one look at her and said, “Well, if it isn’t Miss Elizabeth Bennet.”

  Diana giggled, turning one way and then the other. “But it’s kind of pretty, right?”

  “It’s not you.”

  Diana nodded. Hannah was right, it wasn’t her. Maybe it was better that Hannah had come instead of Teagan. Hannah’s unfiltered commentary was the kind of thing she needed to get her mind off the stress of planning a wedding.

  She went to try again. Diana sifted through the other dresses, selecting a strapless one that she liked the moment she laid eyes on it. And when she slipped it on, it felt great. She pulled the curtain aside and stood in front of her friend.

  Hannah stared, her green eyes wide. “Wow…”

  Diana smiled proudly, curtseying for Hannah before having Hannah finish zipping it up for her. She turned to the three-way mirror to get a better look at the dress from all the angles she couldn’t see in the dressing room mirror. But when she saw herself in the beautiful white dress that hugged her waste, supported her breasts, and fit like it was made for her, she froze.

  She stared at her reflection, not recognizing the woman who stared back. Suddenly, she felt hot. So hot that sweat formed in her armpits and on her forehead, like the temperature had suddenly risen to ninety-five degrees. Then, her reflection faded and blotchy spots clouded her vision.

  “Diana.”

  Diana heard the voice. Hannah, calling her name. But she sounded so far away, like she was in the next room with the door closed. She thought she heard it again, but she wasn’t sure.

  Then Hannah stood over of her, her hands gripping Diana’s shoulders, green eyes searching hers. “What’s wrong, D? Are you faint?”

  Diana couldn’t speak. She felt hot, claustrophobic. Like something choked her. She reached to one side for the zipper, then the other, but couldn’t find it. For fuck’s sake, where was the damned zipper? She began pulling at the dress, as if there were some other way to magically remove it from her body.

  Suddenly, she could breath again. Someone had yanked down the zipper and began peeling the suffocating dress off her until it was at her feet and she could step out of it. Diana covered her bare breasts and sat down on a cream fabric chair, trying to recover herself. A cool hand touched her back.

  “You’re burning up,” Hannah said.

  “I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Diana said faintly.

  “Should we get out of here?”

  Diana nodded. Thinking about nothing else, she threw her clothes back on and rushed out the door and into the dark December night, the cold air breathing life back into her again. She sat down on a bench, and soon Hannah appeared and sat down next to her.

  “Food, or alcohol?” Hannah said.

  Diana managed a tiny smile. “Both. You must be hungry.”

  “Always.”

  A couple minutes later, they sat in a Mexican restaurant with two margaritas, Hannah eyeing her.

  “What happened, D?”

  Diana shook her head. “I don’t know. I had such a good feeling about that dress, and when I saw your reaction, I thought I’d hit the jackpot. But when I saw myself…” She took another swallow of her margarita. “I don’t know… I felt hot and then I couldn’t see anything. I heard you say my name, but you sounded really far away.”

  “You looked like you were going to pass out. I think you even started swaying a little.”

  Then she remembered the dress. The beautiful dress. “Oh, Hannah, is the dress okay? Elena must think I’m crazy.”

  “The dress is fine. I hung it up and just told Elena you weren’t feeling well.”

  Diana let out a breath of relief. “Thank you, sweetie. I’m so sorry to subject you to all this wedding stuff.”

  “What’s going on, D?”

  Diana shook her head. “I don’t know. If a client did what I just did, I’d assume she had a panic attack. But I’ve never had one before. And why would I panic? There’s a lot to do in a short time, but I’ll have help from Matthew, my mom, and Teagan—”

  “Do you really want to marry Matthew?”

  Diana raised her eyebrows. That was Hannah—no warm-up, just cutting right to the chase. “Of course I do! What kind of question is that?”

  “It’s a fair question.”

  “Yes, I do,” Diana said, annoyed. “What’s your point?”

  Hannah gave her a look, her green eyes probing. “My point is that you looked in the mirror, saw yourself in that dress, and panicked and couldn’t wait to get it off. I know you and Matthew have had your ups and downs—”

  “What couple doesn’t?”

  “You pick fixer-uppers, D. And from what I’ve seen, he’s no different.”

  Diana sighed. “But he’s really come around. He’s been great. And you know how much I want a family. He’s offering that to me on a silver platter. He’s stable, he’s a good father, and he loves me. I love him, too.”

  “Teagan told me about the guy from Red Rim.”

  Diana gave an impatient sigh. “That’s over. It was nothing but a fling.”

  “It didn’t sound like a fling. And thanks for telling me, by the way.”

  Diana bit her lip. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I was embarrassed. It was so unlike me, all of it. I only told Teagan because she caught me at a weak moment.”

  “That, and you knew she wouldn’t say the things I’m going to say to you right now.” Hannah gave wry smile.

  Diana leaned back in her chair and sighed again. “Go ahead. Say what you have to say.”

  Hannah leaned forward. “Look. I’m an idiot when it comes to relationships. You know that. All I’m saying is that you live to be outside, to be on your bike. And maybe you fell for that dude from Red Rim because… he’s more like you. You’re a passionate person and a bit of a free spirit, locked inside Good Catholic Girl’s body—”

  “Christian, not Catholic. And I don’t go to church anymore.”

  “Whatever. I just don’t see you as the white-dress, picket-fence type.”

  “I am the white-dress, picket-fence type, Hannah! I always have been. I know it must seem weird to someone like you, who hates weddings and can’t stand tradition, but it’s what I want. I think I just freaked out because so much has happened in such a short amount of time. Matthew and I broke up, I jumped right into a… thing… with another guy, that blew up, and next thing I know, Matthew and I are engaged and I’m searching for wedding dresses. I’m a roll-with-it kind of girl, but that’s a lot to swallow. I just need to slow it down a little.”

  Hannah eyed her for a moment, not looking entirely convinced, before she finally nodded. “Maybe you’re right, D.”

  “What will I tell Matthew?”

  “Just tell him you couldn’t decide. It’s not even a lie, really. The place is closed on Sundays anyway, so you can come back here and try again when you’re ready.”

  Diana smiled. “Thank you for being here, sweetie. I’m sorry it got weird.”

  Hannah smiled. “Between the booze and yanking that dress off you, I had a great time.”

  Sunday, Diana made the four-hour drive home and told Matthew her excuse, feeling a little guilty for withholding the truth. But she couldn’t tell him what happened. It would only upset him, and now that she knew what caused it, she could prevent it from happening again.

  That night, Diana settled into bed with Matthew. But she couldn’t sleep, so she got up and went to her living room to sit by the window.

  The stars were out, sparkling in the clear skies in that quiet way they did in December. Now, she could no longer gaze at the night sky wit
hout thinking of Asher… and their nighttime hike. The sunset. The thick blanket of stars. The feel of him behind her, inside her, grasping her hair. It still made her body fill with heat. But heat didn’t make a relationship work long-term.

  Then she remembered. Diana grabbed her phone, scrolling through her photos until she found it… the selfie of her and Asher. Her happy face next to his smiling one, both their eyes lit up, the sunset behind them. She pressed the delete button. But when it asked her if she was sure she wanted to delete it, Diana couldn’t do it.

  Finally, Diana went back to bed and fell asleep.

  That week, Diana fielded question after question about the wedding. Had they set a date? Did they choose a venue? What would her dress look like? The word had spread and it was all people talked about: Matthew, her mother, her colleagues, even some of the kids who knew her. Diana wished people would stop asking her. Not because she didn’t care, but because she didn’t have the answers yet. More and more she wished they could just elope. But Matthew had made it clear he wanted a real wedding, and she wanted him to have it. After all, he was giving her what she wanted.

  Matthew had managed to find a venue for a June wedding, at one of the local wineries. They had a small chapel there and could accommodate up to 150 people. But they needed a deposit by next week. Diana said they could go look at it later that week.

  The weather warmed up right before the New Year, and Diana took a Saturday morning hike with a few friends. Feeling refreshed, she stopped by a wedding shop in Junction to look around. She knew she wouldn’t find anything she liked there, but at least she could desensitize herself a little before making the trip back to Denver to face Elena and the cream-colored chairs.

  She took one look at the white silks and satins and was filled with anxiety all over again, and had to leave the shop.

  What the hell was wrong with her? Why was the prospect of the dress freaking her out so much? She couldn’t stall any longer. They needed to book the winery.

  Unable to take it anymore, Diana finally did the thing she’d been dreading. She grabbed her phone and dialed.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Diana sat in a comfy leather chair, sipping her chamomile tea. Across from her sat Dr. Herrera, her salt-and-pepper hair pulled into a classic bun and her notepad on her lap.

  Dr. Herrera smiled. “It’s good to see you, Diana. It’s been a long time.”

  “Three years. When I was going through my divorce.”

  “Tell me what’s happening.”

  Diana told Dr. Herrera about Matthew—their problems, their split, their reconnecting, and their wedding plans. And about her wedding dress meltdown. “I just don’t understand why this is happening. Everything’s going so well with Matthew.”

  “How are things between you sexually?”

  “Much better. He’s made progress. We’ve only had one time where he couldn’t perform since we got back together, and he didn’t withdraw when it happened. He even offered to… you know.”

  “Pleasure you.”

  “Right.”

  Dr. Herrera nodded. “That sounds promising. And what about outside the bedroom?”

  “He’s been great. He’s been attentive and he’s much more thoughtful now.”

  “Tell me more about the panicky feeling. Have you felt that way anywhere else besides the bridal shops?”

  “No. I do feel pressured every time I see those manila folders sitting on my desk and every time people ask me questions about the wedding. But that seems normal for planning a big formal wedding, especially when you only have six months. I just… I don’t get why that happened. This is what I want. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”

  “What is?”

  “To get remarried. To have a family. Why would I panic about getting what I want?”

  “Tell me more about the panic.”

  Diana recounted all she could remember—Hannah’s reaction to the dress, the woozy feeling, the desperation to get it off her.

  Dr. Herrera nodded. “During these last few weeks, what other thoughts have come to mind… about the future? About life with Matthew?”

  “Other than joking that I wish we could elope—which I admit isn’t entirely a joke on my part—I haven’t thought beyond the next month, to be honest.”

  “What about other thoughts? Any fantasies about the home you want to buy together? About having a happy blended family? Places you want to go?”

  Diana thought about it. “I have been thinking about travel. I have this strange desire to see the world for some reason. I’ve been to Europe twice, and to Mexico once, but that’s it. I want to see the world. I want to go places where people don’t look like us or talk like us or live like us—Asia, South America, Africa. I told Matthew that the money we’ll spend on this wedding could pay for an amazing trip. But he wants a traditional wedding and I feel like he deserves one, especially since he’s willing to have more kids. And, he didn’t seem all that excited about traveling.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “I guess I can see his point. We have a lot going on with our jobs and Matthew’s boys, and Matthew isn’t really the adventurous type. He needs time to get used to new things. I should probably start him off with Europe before plunging him into the Third World. And if we do have kids, traveling afar will be impossible until they’re much older.”

  Dr. Herrera nodded. “What else? What other thoughts have you had since getting back with Matthew?”

  Diana hesitated, the same thought returning once more. “There is one other thing. It’s not a big deal, okay? But maybe it’s worth mentioning.” Diana told Dr. Herrera about Asher. Their friendship, Asher taking her to see Mariah, their getting involved, their fight at the festival. “It’s so not like me.”

  “What isn’t?”

  “All of it. He’s not my type at all. And I don’t believe in casual sex.”

  “What drew him to you?”

  Diana sighed. “Everything. He was fun. He had a real lust for life. He’s been all over the world. And,” Diana looked down for a moment, “he was gorgeous. I mean Greek god gorgeous. But honestly, that wasn’t what sold me. He loves kids. When I told him about one of my school kids being abused by his father, Asher reacted with genuine anger about it. He does all these events for kids and teaches them how to mountain bike. He comes off all Mister Player, but he cares about people and he goes out of his way for others.”

  “Like taking you to see the acupuncturist.”

  “Exactly! He missed a day of riding to sit in that office and listen to me talk about my periods and pain, like it was nothing.”

  “Does he know what happened with your ex-husband?”

  Diana nodded. “I had no intention of telling him. But someone on Facebook posted a picture of my ex’s third baby…” Diana grimaced, fighting back tears, “… and I came unglued.”

  Dr. Herrera’s face turned compassionate. “I can understand why, Diana. That was a very painful situation. How did Asher handle this… coming unglued?”

  “He was great,” Diana said, her voice breaking.

  “You fell in love with him.”

  Diana nodded. “I didn’t see it at the time, but yes, I did.”

  “Have you spoken to Asher since your fight?”

  “Only once. He showed up at my office after Thanksgiving weekend. He was in town for supplies… you know, stuff you can’t always get in Red Rim. I apologized, he apologized. I think we both recognized that the relationship had gotten more involved than either of us were prepared for, and that it…”

  “Poked at both your vulnerabilities.”

  “Exactly. I told him I was back with Matthew. He seemed annoyed, but instead of leaving, he said we had something amazing and that his desire to avoid commitment was because of his ex-fiancee cheating on him with his best friend… and then he saw my engagement ring. He got really pissed off and started yelling. Not scary yelling… he’s just passionate… but I explained that Matthew can giv
e me what I want. Ash said I was making a huge mistake and he stormed out.”

  “And that’s the last you’ve heard from him?”

  Diana nodded, swirling the tea in her cup as she fought off the tumultuous thoughts that invaded.

  “What was the sex like?”

  Diana’s face grew hot, and again she was glad she was too olive-skinned to blush. “Crazy hot. And that night, when he took me to Arches…” She looked down at her tea. “We had sex. Up there. And it was crazy intense. Afterward, we didn’t even talk. He seemed withdrawn, and I just assumed it was too much for him, knowing that a good girl like me would do something like that.”

  “Why did you think that?”

  “Because it’s not me. And…” She swirled the tea again. “It’s the way we did it. It was a little risqué, even rough.”

  “Did it make you uncomfortable?”

  Diana bit her lip. “It should have, but it didn’t.”

  “You enjoyed it.”

  “I did. It was the best sex I’ve ever had.” Diana shook her head at that.

  “Why are you shaking your head?”

  “Because it’s not me.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “Because it’s true!” Diana cried. “I don’t have casual sex—in public—with hot guys who don’t commit!”

  “Maybe not. But there’s nothing about that encounter, or any of this, that sounds casual.”

  “So I’ve heard.”

  Dr. Herrera glanced at her watch. “And we’re out of time, Diana.”

  Diana stepped out into the dark, chilly evening, her boots crunching over a layer of packed snow. She felt better. She always felt better after talking to Dr. Herrera, who’d helped her survive the horror of her marriage, her miscarriages, and her divorce.

  But they’d spent an awful lot of time talking about Asher. Diana wanted to be honest with Dr. Herrera, but what good did it do to drum up all that stuff when it was perfectly clear that Asher was wrong for her? But that’s what their next session was for, after Christmas. Then, maybe they’d get to the bottom of why a white wedding dress would unsettle her so much.