The Birth Mother

by Tara Taylor Quinn

  But more than the wanting, she cared about him. He knew that when he’d told her about the tornado. The damnable thing was, he was beginning to suspect he cared about her, too. More than he’d ever cared for a woman before. More than just physically.

  But she was Nicki’s mother. And if she didn’t want Nicki, then they had no future. Even if she did, they probably had no future, Bryan admitted as he pulled into the lot of Jennifer’s largest dealership. Because as soon as she found out who he was, why he’d really met her, she’d never trust him again. And he wouldn’t blame her. He’d knowingly abused her trust.

  Of course, her wanting Nicki was a big “if.” She wasn’t comfortable around children, and the possible damage to Jennifer’s reputation alone might be reason enough to keep her away. Especially now that she’d embarked on her One Price campaign.

  Bob and Jake were just setting up when Bryan arrived, and Jennifer was talking with a couple of salespeople on the showroom floor. Bryan hoped the crew would be ready to start soon. He wanted to get this over with. He pulled his cellular phone out of his back pocket, unfolded it and dialed Nicki.

  “Hello?” Her voice was groggy with sleep.

  “It’s me, Nick. Listen, I need you to do me a couple of favors this morning.”

  He listed the chores he’d invented on his way to work that morning. They should be enough to keep her up and moving around for most of the day. He and Nicki were going to beat this thing if it killed him.

  The morning’s filming promised to progress as smoothly as it had the previous two days. Thank God. His patience level was impossibly thin. The baby’s mother was a pleasant woman, and she was delighted to meet Jennifer. Jennifer looked a little tired, but she smiled at the other woman and welcomed her to Teal Ford.

  Jake ran through the take with both women, indicating just when the mother should hand her baby to Jennifer without getting into the picture herself. Jennifer hadn’t looked at the baby once, as far as Bryan could tell, and she seemed a little tenser than she had the previous two days. Nevertheless she nodded at Jake and took her position by the Windstar they’d picked for the take.

  Everything went as planned until Jennifer reached for the baby. Bryan wasn’t sure what went wrong, but suddenly the baby was screaming and Jennifer was making a beeline for the baby’s mother, getting rid of the angry little bundle as fast as she could.

  “Cut!” Jake’s voice rang out over the baby’s wails.

  Bryan walked over, noticing all the curious hangers-on. He motioned to Frank Dorian. Jennifer had introduced him earlier as the general manager of Teal Ford.

  “Clear these people out, would you, Frank?” Bryan asked.

  “Consider it done,” Frank said, motioning to a man on the other side of the room.

  “What happened?” Bryan asked when he finally made it over to the small group clustered around the squalling baby.

  Jennifer stood back from the group, her hands clutched in front of her. Her face looked pinched. She didn’t say a word.

  “He’s just scared. He’ll be fine in a second,” the mother assured everyone, rocking the baby against her shoulder. “He’s usually pretty good about going to people, but every once in a while he gets a mommy attack.”

  True to her word, the baby calmed almost immediately. They waited another couple of minutes for the tears to dry on his lashes, and then Jake called everyone to their positions. Jennifer came forward, but she didn’t look at all sure about what she was doing. Catching her eye, Bryan smiled at her encouragingly. He stayed closer this time, wanting to be certain they got it right. It didn’t look like Jennifer was going to hold up for many more takes.

  “Roll ‘em,” Jake called, and Bob held up the cue cards. Jennifer ran through her lines perfectly, the poised confident businesswoman, and then Jake swerved in for a close-up of the built-in baby seat through the open side door of the Windstar, giving Jennifer a chance to take the baby from his mother.

  Bryan saw her reach for the child. She held him gently in her arms, about an inch from her body. But before she could get him the two feet to the van, the baby started to scream again.

  Jennifer returned the baby to his mother immediately. “That’s it, guys,” she said to everyone present. “This one isn’t going to happen. Sorry for wasting everybody’s time.”

  Without another word to anyone, she turned and left the showroom.

  Bryan made it outside just as she was pulling off the lot.

  Yanking his keys from his pocket, he jumped into the Jeep and took off after her. He’d never seen her so upset, and he couldn’t let her leave like that. Not as a professional, and not as a man who cared about her, either.

  She was heading toward her office building, he guessed, and he pulled onto Peachtree right behind her. He couldn’t figure out what had gone so wrong back there. In spite of all his weeks of getting to know Jennifer, it seemed as if he didn’t know her at all. He would never have believed she’d run out like that. She was a fighter, not a quitter.

  About two miles from the Teal corporate offices, she finally noticed him behind her. Catching his eye in her rearview mirror, she shook her head. He nodded. She drove for about another quarter of a mile before she suddenly cut across two lanes of traffic and swerved into a deserted parking lot. Horns honked behind him as Bryan followed, pulling his Jeep up beside her Mustang.

  He jumped down and opened her car door.

  “I can’t do it,” she said, looking straight ahead through her windshield. Her hand still rested on the ignition, as if she was prepared to take off at any second.

  “I’m not going to ask you to go back there,” he said. He’d already dismissed his crew. “I just want to talk.”

  She glanced up, the look in her eyes shocking him. It reminded him of Nicki, of the emptiness he saw sometimes when he looked at his niece. He wouldn’t be surprised if she was going to refuse to discuss what had happened that morning.

  “So talk,” she finally said.

  He leaned on the door frame of her car. “What happened back there?”

  “I told you I’m no good with children. Did you think I was just making that up? I’ve been through this before. Oh, not commercials, but anytime I’m alone with a child, he or she either ends up huddling in a corner, crying or wrecking the place.”

  “You’ve been working with kids all week, Jen, and you did fine. They liked you.”

  “They were professional actors.”

  “They were kids! They were well behaved, yes. And they’d been taught how to memorize lines, but if little Taylor hadn’t liked you, you can bet we wouldn’t have had such an easy time of it on Monday. I’ve worked with him before. I know.”

  “You wrote every word I said, Bryan.”

  Damn, Bryan thought. What was it with the females in his life?

  “That little girl yesterday worshiped the ground you walked on.”

  “She liked my earrings.”

  Patience, he reminded himself. Jennifer was one of the most confident people he knew. Yet it was as if he’d never met the woman sitting in her car. This woman reminded him a lot of Nicki—a mass of insecurities. But at least he knew what had caused Nicki’s problems.

  “Jennifer, that baby today was only three months old. He was hardly old enough to hold up his head by himself, let alone take an instant dislike to someone. He just didn’t want to be separated from his mother.”

  “He didn’t cry the couple of times Jake took him, when he was demonstrating the take.”

  He’d forgotten that. “Jake probably reminded him of his father.”

  “He didn’t like me, Bryan. I’m not good with children. I don’t understand them, and I don’t know how to act around them. They make me nervous, and children can sense things like that.”

  “Okay, let’s say for a minute you’re right, but that still doesn’t explain this.” He reached out and took her hand off the steering wheel.

  “What?” She wouldn’t look at him.

  “You
’ve been gripping that wheel so tightly your knuckles are white.” He held up her hand. “And you’re shaking, too.”

  Bryan hunkered down beside her, keeping her hand in his. “Come on, Jen. What gives?”

  “I don’t like to be put in situations where I’m not sure of myself.” Her words were almost a whisper. It sounded like tears weren’t far away.

  Suddenly he was no longer the professional, and he wasn’t Nicki’s uncle, either. He was simply a man trying to comfort a woman he cared about.

  “No one does, but that doesn’t explain why you’re so upset. I thought we’d become friends over the past few weeks. Can’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

  “I just…I just haven’t held a baby since…” Her voice was filled with tears and she broke off, trying to compose herself.

  Bryan pulled her from the car and over to his Jeep. Opening the passenger door and leaning back against the side of the seat, he settled her between his legs and held her against him.

  “Since when, honey? You haven’t held a baby since when?”

  “Since I…” She looked up at him, her eyes full of shadows. “Since I…gave my own away.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  EVEN KNOWING what he did, Bryan was shocked at Jennifer’s revelation. He wasn’t sure what he should say. She hadn’t held a baby in twelve years? As punishment? Or because she really didn’t like babies?

  Finding no answers or even words to comfort her, Bryan simply held her, rubbing her back, smoothing her hair away from her face, just as he’d done for Nicki so many times in the past year. So much pain.

  He knew now that she hadn’t forgotten Nicki. There was no doubt that she hurt for her lost baby. That didn’t mean she’d accept Nicki, but it was time to find out. He was beginning to hope as he held her, as he wanted to continue holding her, comforting her, that maybe this bizarre situation could somehow work out happily for all three of them. Maybe.

  If she ever forgave him for the deceit he’d been practicing since the evening they’d met.

  She pulled away from him, wiping tears from her eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to go all blubbery on you. I don’t make a habit of it, I promise.”

  She was embarrassed. Bryan lifted her chin until her eyes met his. “Don’t. Don’t apologize or get all distant on me. You’ve had a rough morning—you needed a friend. After the past year I can certainly understand that. I’m just glad you chose me.”

  She reached up and cupped his cheek. “Dear Bryan. I don’t know where you’ve been all my life, but I’m certainly glad I finally found you.”

  Looking down into her beautiful face, Bryan knew he was lost. She was everything he’d ever wanted in a woman and more. He leaned over the couple of inches it took to close the distance between them and touched his lips to hers. He kissed her the way he’d wanted to kiss her for weeks, totally, intimately, the way a man kisses a woman he desires beyond all else.

  She melted against him, her lips pliant and eager. She’d obviously been wanting the kiss as badly as he had.

  Bryan couldn’t keep his hands still. He ran them over her, down her back, up over her waist, brushing the sides of her breasts, before tilting her head to allow him better access to her mouth. He deepened the kiss.

  She moaned, pressing her hips against his; he might have forgotten himself completely if a horn hadn’t honked on the street behind him.

  He lifted his head slowly, holding Jennifer’s gently between his hands, looking into her eyes for confirmation of what he already knew. That she wanted to make love to him as much as he wanted to make love to her.

  But there were things they had to settle first. And once they were done settling them, there might never be an afterward.

  She leaned her head against his chest. “It’s scary to think I might have lived my whole life and never felt like this,” she said.

  “Surely you’ve felt it before.” Someone had fathered Nicki.

  She stepped back. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you?”

  “I’d like you tell me about it, Jen.”

  “And I will—someday. But not today. Please don’t ask me to go through it all again right now. I think I’ve had about as much as I can take.”

  “But-”

  “I know I’m being unfair, Bryan. I can’t lay this on you and expect you not to wonder, but I need a little time. I’ve never told another living soul about that part of my life, with the exception of two very special friends who helped me through it. I’ve only realized in the past week how much of it is still unresolved for me, and I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.”

  “Can you just answer one question?”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Do you think you did the right thing giving your baby away?”

  “I was young, Bryan. I did what I thought was best, and, yes, I still think I did the right thing—especially after today. I’m just not good with kids. When God handed out mother’s instinct, I guess he skipped me. My mother was the same way—my father, too, for that matter—and believe me, if I’m like them, my baby’s better off with someone who wanted her badly enough to go through the adoption process to get her.”

  If she’d been anyone else Bryan would simply have accepted that here was a woman who wasn’t meant to be a mother. But she wasn’t anyone else. She was Nicki’s mother. And he couldn’t help wondering if Jennifer wasn’t good with kids because she did indeed take after her own parents, or just because she’d convinced herself she did.

  Whether Jennifer wanted Nicki or not was no longer even the problem. If she was convinced she didn’t have a knack for mothering, she probably wouldn’t even try. Hell, knowing Jennifer, judging by what she’d just said about her child being better off without her, she’d probably convince herself that she’d be doing Nicki a favor by staying away from her.

  He had to find out if she was right. He had to know if Nicki was better off without her, if knowing her would do Nicki more harm than good, before he even considered introducing them as mother and daughter. And the only way he could find out if they were good together was for them to meet.

  “I have a confession to make.”

  She frowned, looking confused. “What?”

  He had no idea how to break it to her gently. “I don’t live alone.”

  She froze. “You have a roommate, you mean?”

  He’d never thought of Nicki as a roommate, but he said, “Sort of.” After Jennifer had spent the morning telling him how uncomfortable she was around children, how did he just blurt out that he had one?

  “Male or female?”

  “Female.”

  She backed up another step, her face draining of color.

  And then it hit him how the conversation must sound to her. “She’s twelve, Jennifer. And she’s mine.”

  “You have a daughter?” She didn’t look much less horrified.

  “Technically she’s my niece, but I’m raising her now. She was my sister’s daughter. She’s all the family I have left.”

  Jennifer gave an audible gasp and her eyes shimmered with emotion. “Oh, Bryan…the sister killed in the tornado. Of course. Oh, God, I’m so sorry. For both of you.”

  “She’s mine now, Jennifer. Legally, but emotionally, too. I love that kid so much it hurts. And it hurts a lot, because she’s having a really tough time of it. She lost even more than I did that day, because she lost her childhood. I’ll always have great memories of mine.”

  Jennifer gazed at him in silence for a moment. Then she said, “You’re one special man, Bryan Chambers.”

  “I do what I have to do,” he said, shrugging off her praise.

  “Still, I’d say she’s very lucky to have you.”

  Bryan hoped so. At the moment he wasn’t sure he was doing anything right. “The reason I told you about her is because I wanted you to meet her. I have a feeling she’s going to like you as much as I do. You could come and have dinner with us tonight.”

  She stepped back. “Uh, thanks, but I don�
�t think so,” she said, looking toward her car.

  Bryan turned her back to face him. “Jennifer. Nicki and I are a package deal. I care about you more than I can ever remember caring about a woman, but Nicki and I are a team. You see me, you see her, too.”

  “Why didn’t you ever mention this to me before?”

  Good question. One Bryan wasn’t ready to answer. And if she couldn’t handle his having a child, how would she react if she knew that child was hers, as well? He needed to convince her she was good around kids first, good around Nicki, and then he’d think about telling her the rest. Otherwise he was going to lose before he’d even begun. And Nicki would lose, too. And all because Jennifer thought she’d been born without the ability to mother a child.

  He couldn’t believe she was right. He remembered her hand cupping his face when he’d needed comfort, the hero worship in the little girl’s face as she’d followed Jennifer around the dealership the day before.

  Jennifer was still watching him, waiting for an answer to her question. He might not be able to answer her honestly as Nicki’s uncle, but he could as a man who wanted a relationship with this woman. “By the time I knew that I wanted to bring you home, that you were more than just a casual attraction for me, you’d already told me you weren’t comfortable with children.”

  “Wasn’t that even more reason to tell me?”

  “Probably. I just didn’t want to lose you before I had a chance to convince you it might be worth your while to hang around.”

  Jennifer wanted to hang around. More than she’d ever wanted anything in her life—other than her baby a long time ago. But twelve... The same age now as the baby she’d given away. She just wasn’t strong enough to handle that. Not yet. Not when she was just discovering for herself how much of the past she had still to face.

  “I’m sorry, Bryan. It just isn’t a good idea,” she said.

  His stricken expression was the last thing she saw in her rearview mirror as she drove away.

  IT HAUNTED HER in the two days that followed, as well. She worked incredibly long hours, even for her, waiting for the moment Bryan would call to say he had the tapes ready for her to view, even while she dreaded speaking with him if it was only going to be about something so superficial. She’d never made love with the man, never shared any real physical intimacies with him, and yet she had the feeling he knew her as well as she knew herself.