by Amber Lacie
“Now that, I understand. Benny has a way of doing that to people.”
“So what do I do?” I asked, desperate for some kind of insight.
“Fuck if I know. But I can tell you that lying out here ain’t gonna’ help. My advice is to just fuck him already––get him out of your system. See if it’s him, or the monster you want.”
I laughed. What kind of advice is that? Sex of any kind is the farthest thought from my mind.
Ben cleared his throat behind us, causing me to jump. “Is there a reason you two are having a sorority meeting on my bed?” There was an underlying threat to his words. I couldn’t pick up on what it meant, but I could hear it in his tone.
“Sorry––she looked lost. I was just trying to help the girl.”
“And that means what to me? Don’t waste excuses on me. You’re in my room, on my bed, with her.”
Is he upset with me or Jim? Probably me, I surmised.
Jim stood, holding his hands in front of himself in surrender as he slowly backed out of the room. I pleaded to him with my eyes, begging him to stay with me. Instead, he gave me a wink as he shut the door. Fuck.
Lying there, frozen, I was too afraid to turn around. Suddenly, a towel landed in front of me. I swallowed. Is he naked? A chill spread up my spine at the thought of him being somewhere in the room, completely nude.
“Didn’t know you knew how to laugh.”
“Didn’t know it mattered.”
He chuckled to himself at my snarky response. After a moment, I felt the bed dip beside me. Grasping a strand of my hair, he slowly wound it around his finger before finally letting it go again. “Piper, I’m not the good guy.”
“I know. You keep saying that.”
“And you’re not getting it. Everywhere I go, there you are. I don’t want to hurt you, please don’t make me.”
I didn’t need to take Jim’s advice to know I wanted to be near him. I was drawn to him. It didn’t matter if he was a monster. When it was just us, he was kind and gentle. In those brief moments we did have, I could pretend to have a different life. A life where I wasn’t so broken and used. Pretend. That’s all it is. As if I needed confirmation of my thoughts, he sighed.
“They used you and passed you around. I won’t…I can’t—”
I jumped in before he could continue. “Got it. Used goods.” Quickly wiping a tear away before, I pushed myself up off the bed. Thankfully, my back was still towards him.
“Piper, wait—”
“No need.” Turning to face him, my throat burned from holding back the sob that so desperately wanted to escape. “You’re a monster and I’m used goods. Neither of us deserves to have someone touch us, to make us feel okay.” I took a step backwards towards the bedroom doorway. “Just so we’re clear, I don’t hate you, even though you obviously hate me. Monster or not, you saved me.” Turning around, I walked down the hallway and back to the small room that used to be mine. I no longer wanted the protection he offered.
How many times could someone’s heart shattered before there weren’t enough pieces left to fix it? Sadly, it felt like I was getting close to finally learning the answer.
Collapsing onto the bed, I buried myself in the depths of my pain. I’m not sure how long I had cried, but eventually, my body gave up. The tears had finally beaten me. Pushing my feet under the covers, I pulled them up over my shoulders, and rolled onto my side. That was the first night I prayed for sleep to take me.
Fuck the nightmares. Anything is better than what I’m feeling at this moment.
The next day I woke up feeling rested. I couldn’t remember if I’d had another nightmare or not, but Ben wasn’t in the room, so that must’ve been a good sign. Slipping out of my clothes from the day before, I pulled on some sweats. All I wanted was awful horror flicks and huge bowls of ice cream. But first, the need to pee had taken hold.
I had just finished washing and drying my hands when I heard a knock at the front door. Curiosity got the best of me. Making my way to the bathroom door, I cracked it open just enough to see if I could hear what Jim and Ben were talking about in hushed whispers. Seeing Jim quickly turn down the hallway, I softly pushed the door closed. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but we had gone over what I was to do if someone else came over. Several times. Whatever room I was in, I was to stay. “Think small and hide.” Jim’s advice echoed in my mind.
The bathroom was small. It had a pedestal sink, a shower, and one linen closet. Slowly, quietly, I pulled back the metal bi-fold door and crawled underneath the bottom shelf. A few towels had fallen to the floor, so I carefully draped them over my legs, closed the door, and hid myself in the dark corner.
Moments later, I could hear someone else in the apartment. Their loud, deep voice carried easily down the hallway. From what I could make out, they were talking about someone named Brendan and a girl. My heart thundered in my chest. Please don’t find me. Please don’t take me. The sound of footsteps in the hallway had me holding my breath. Doors opened and closed, and I could hear Ben yelling for the person to get out.
“You don’t get to come into my house and accuse me of shit you can’t prove. Fuck you, and the goddamn pricks in suits at the bureau. I’m still tying up loose ends and you come in here with this bullshit. Fuck you! Get out!”
“Ben, that’s not how this works. We agreed to help you, if you helped us. Keeping things from us isn’t going to work out in your favor. There was no trace of the girl anywhere else, except in that house. Where is she?” the loud baritone voice shouted from in the hallway. Just then, another door opened and closed.
“I told you before––I got no fucking clue! She’s not my problem. All I want is Tate, on his knees in front of me, begging for his life. You promised me that. I’m owed that.”
“You aren’t owed shit.” Just then, the door to the bathroom opened. From my hiding place in the bottom of the closet, I could make out what appeared to be black shoes and a pair of black slacks standing in front of the closet door. Covering my mouth with my hand, I tried to calm my erratic breathing. “You say you don’t know where she is, and yet I found a woman’s sweater and a music box in your bedroom closet. Where should I check next, Benjamin?”
“Did you take them?” The anger in his voice had the hairs on my arm standing on end.
“What?” the man asked, his feet shifting in front of the door with annoyance.
“The box and the sweater––did you take them?”
“Not just yet. Why? Have something you need to confess?”
“Yeah, those belonged to my sister. If I find out you even breathed near them, I will fucking end you.”
The feet turned facing the doorway. “You don’t have a sister.”
“No, I guess I don’t. That ended when my father made sure she overdosed.”
“What?”
“Oh, do I know something you don’t? Perhaps you should check in with Aaron on that one. Those are her things, and if you touch them, you won’t leave here alive.”
“Threatening a federal agent is a serious crime, Benjamin. Be careful.”
“Don’t worry, Beckett. It’s not a threat.”
“Good.” I watched as the feet disappeared back into the hallway, but not before I heard Ben whisper under his breath, “It’s a promise.” The light in the bathroom turned off and I was left alone in the dark.
He had a sister. I had a sister. Both of them were gone. I knew what it felt like to lose someone like that. At that moment my brain switched from worrying about myself, to worrying about my sister. I wonder where she is? Does she think of me? Is she okay or did she end up like me? The sudden urge to find my sister took root in my heart. I needed to live in order to get to her.
Hearing more doors open and shut, I began to panic. There was no way to hide everything I had left open to the naked eye in the other bedroom. If he went in there, he would surely know I was here. Cold sweat clung to my back as I nervously hid my face in my hands. A moment later, the sounds seem
ed to stop, and the apartment grew quiet. Slowly, the door to the bathroom opened. Someone was standing in front of the closet doors. I could hear them breathing.
I didn’t want to die. Not then, not like that. Nor did I want to be taken, only to end up back in a place like I was before. Not even bothering to look at who was standing there, I took off racing into the hallway, with a scream so loud it echoed off the walls, as soon as the metal door opened. Catching sight of Ben standing by the front door, I knew I would be safe with him. Rushing towards him, I leapt off the floor and wrapped my body around his. I clung to him, refusing to let go as my nails dug into his back.
His long arms wrapped around me, softly rubbing my back, soothing me. “Baby, no. Stop. It’s alright, he’s gone.”
I buried my face into his neck as frightened tears slipped down my cheeks. There was no way I was letting go. Nothing was going to take me from the safety of his arms. Feeling Ben shift his weight under me, we began to move. His hands never left my body as he carefully lowered us to the couch. I tried to catch my breath, still refusing to let go of him.
“What the fuck did you do?” Ben’s voice vibrated against my skin.
“Sorry, Benny, I opened the door and she fucking bolted.” The realization that Jim was the one who found me crashed against me. Taking a deep, ragged breath, I slowly relaxed in Ben’s arms, but he still didn’t put me down. Instead, he continued to hold me, soothing me.
“Jesus. Baby, you gotta calm down,” Ben whispered. “You damn near caused me to kill my best friend ‘cause I thought he touched you or something. Don’t do that.”
That was twice Ben had called me baby. It also didn’t go unnoticed that he was holding me in his arms, willingly.
“Look at me,” he whispered. Gently grasping my chin, he inspected my face as I stared back at him. “You look so frightened.”
“I w–was,” I stammered. Slowly pushing myself up, I sat on his lap. The wrinkles at the corner of his eyes and along his brow were creased with worry. For someone who claimed to be so fierce, he looked so beautifully sad. Realizing I was sitting on a man’s lap who didn’t want me, I shook some sense back into myself. I reacted out of fear. It was panic that put me here, not him, I reminded myself. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. Placing my hands against his chest, I started to stand, but he pulled me back down.
“It’s too late now,” he mumbled. “I’ve already gone and done what I promised myself I wouldn’t do.”
“What’s that?”
“Touch you,” he said, his eyes dark. “Sit.”
Doing as I was told, I curled back up against him, breathing in the spiced aroma of his cologne, while mulling over his words in my mind. His chest vibrated under my touch. “Jim––take a walk. Bring back some food.”
“You got it, boss.”
I closed my eyes, allowing his body to protect me, wrapping around me like a warm blanket. We sat there on the couch in absolute silence, me in his arms. The sound of his heartbeat echoed in my ear as I laid my head against his chest. The way my body fell and rose with his breaths was perfectly timed with my own breaths.
“I’m not the good guy, Piper,” he whispered. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince me, or himself.
“I know.”
He looked at me questionably. Even I didn’t believe the words that fell from my lips. “There’s a chance someone will try to hurt you in order to get to me.”
“Why?”
“That’s the million-dollar question, now ain’t it?” His hands stilled. It was as though he were trying to figure out what to say next. “I won’t let them get to you.”
“That makes you the good guy,” I stated matter of fact.
“No, baby––that’s what makes me the bad guy. I know what they’ll do to you if they find you, but I’m too selfish to let you go.”
He wants me. For the first time in an extremely long time, I had something to hold onto, a reason to keep living, to keep fighting. Unwilling to lose it, I locked it away in my vault of good memories. To be fair, it was more of a file cabinet than a vault. There wasn’t much left in there after Christina was taken.
I don’t know how long we sat on the couch, with me wrapped in his arms, but eventually the night grew darker and Jim had come back. He didn’t say a word, but I could the see the soft smile in the corner of his lips. It was like he had planned this all along.
After we had finished eating, Ben took me by the hand and led me to his room. I didn’t want to walk to my room for pajamas, so he handed me one of his shirts. I quickly changed into it, leaving only my panties underneath. To my shock, he didn’t turn his back to me this time. The thought of his eyes on my flesh had my hair standing on end. I expected a reaction out of him, something to tell me what his plans were for me. Nothing happened. He simply tucked me into bed and sat down in the chair he had grown accustomed to sleeping in.
He was so much farther away than I wanted him to be. “Ben?” I whispered.
“Piper.”
“I think I’d sleep better if you were closer.”
“Is that so?” he asked, his voice laced with mischief.
“Mmhmm.” Closing my eyes, I rolled onto my side.
A moment later, I felt the bed dip behind me, followed by Ben’s long arm wrapping over me, pulling me against his body. While I was snuggled in tightly underneath the covers, Ben laid on top of them, the covers the only barrier keeping us from us touching body-to-body. It seemed ridiculous to me, but I didn’t argue it. It was the closest I had been to another person, voluntarily, in a very long time, so I let it go.
Soon, I was sound asleep with Ben holding me close. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had for as long as I could remember. It was perfect.
Beckett had shown up unexpectedly, making crazy ass demands. He almost fucked up everything I had planned thus far. I was pissed. Jim, on the other hand, was cool as a cucumber. I stood there, harshly whispering demands and what to do if Beckett found out I had Piper here with us. There was a large stack of brown file boxes in Jim’s room. They were empty. We had used them when we moved into the apartment years ago; we just never got rid of them. On that day they proved to be useful.
After spotting Beckett through the peephole, Jim rushed down the hallway and began taking boxes from his room into the small room I had given to Piper. He covered her bed with boxes and stacked a few haphazardly in front of the closet. She had stuff strewn all over the dresser, but Jim said he had it handled. Opening the front door, I allowed Beckett into my territory. At first, I was calm and just let him do what he had come there to do, but once he started digging through my shit, I was done being nice. The closer he got to the bathroom closet, where I knew Piper was hiding, the angrier I got. I started fighting back. There was nothing more I wanted at that moment than for him to have an accident. Sadly, missing Feds just lead to more problems.
In his inspection of the house, Beckett spotted Brooke’s sweater and music box in my closet and automatically assumed they were Piper’s. It was a fucking stretch to connect those and he fucking knew it. The look of surprise in his eyes when I told him about my sister told me he didn’t have all the pieces to this fucked up puzzle. Whoever was feeding him information was leaving shit out. And that pissed me off even more. At that moment, I made a mental note to get ahold of my uncle once fuck-face was gone.
My knuckles grew white as I watched him open the door to Piper’s room. Pulling open a few drawers of the dresser, he found that they were empty. Jim was a fucking ninja. Not only had he been able to move the boxes that quickly, but he also pulled the covers off the bed and made sure the dresser was empty. Fucking genius. If I were a paying man, I would have given him a raise. Beckett must have been satisfied with what he found because he walked out of her room, back down the hallway.
Making my way to the front door, I stood, my hand on the knob. He had more than worn out his welcome and it was time for him to go. Opening it for him, I snapped, “Get. The. Fuck. Out.”
<
br /> “Fine, be a little piss-ant. Just know, I know you’re not on the up and up with us. You’re hiding something, and I’m going to find out what it is. I’ll be back.”
“No, you won’t. The next time you see me, I’ll have your wife bent over your bed, fucking the shit out of her, while I make you watch. You think my father is a problem for you? I’ll fuck your entire world up and ride it all the way to Hell while you watch it burn.”
“Fuck you!”
“No, thanks. I have standards.” I slammed the door shut behind him. Something is off. There was no reason for him to be searching my place, let alone by himself. I needed to focus.
Standing by the window, I watched Beckett, making sure he was long gone before I nodded towards Jim, who was standing in the hallway. “Do it.” I didn’t need to specify anything with him. He knew what I meant. I closed my eyes for a brief second and the next thing I knew Piper was screaming like hellhounds were nipping at her heels. My eyes flashed opened just in time to see her in mid-air, flying towards me. What the fuck?
Catching her, I wrapped my arms around her, breaking the one promise I had made to myself. That was the fourth time I had touched her. It was over. There was no way I could go back to not feeling her under my skin again.
She took a while to calm down, but once she did, she relaxed into me. I can’t explain it, but it felt right. It also felt like I didn’t deserve it. That was something I would have to deal with, eventually. That night, I laid on top of the covers, holding her against me with her beneath them. It was the dumbest shit move I’d ever made. I saw the way she looked at me when she thought I wasn’t looking. I also knew what had happened to her, or at least enough to want to destroy those who had touched her. There was no way I was going to touch her like that until she begged.
It was late into the next afternoon before I finally reached out to my uncle. I had gone over every detail of what happened, leaving out the part about Piper being there. He had no clue. No one had said anything to him about it, and Beckett hadn’t reported in that morning. Supposedly, Beckett was still in Momence, tying up some loose ends. Yet somehow, the fucker showed up at my place, hunting down the girl. I left it up to Aaron to find the missing pieces that were connected to Beckett. I had other plans.