Against Her Will

by Peter Martin

  She woke up the next morning thinking of Evan’s smiling face and wondered if he would ever try to kiss her and if so what it would be like.

  In the kitchen she found Mrs Lacey sitting opposite Evan looking sad.

  ‘Has Cole gone now?’ Donna asked taking a seat by Evan.

  ‘Yeah, at six o’clock bright and early,’ he replied.

  ‘It’s at times like this, having just lost one of my own children that I wish he wasn’t in the army. Especially now with him being posted over there. I worry over him so much because I know he’s constantly at risk of getting himself killed or badly injured.’

  ‘Yes, but mum, it’s what he’s been trained to do. And it made a man out of him. He’s unrecognisable now compared to what he used to be. He’ll be careful – and remember how good he’s always been at looking after himself, even before he was in the army. Don’t worry.’

  ‘Hope he watches out for himself, because if something happened to him as well… it doesn’t bear thinking about.’ As soon as Donna had said this, she realised she’d put her foot in it. ‘Sorry, Mrs Lacey I didn’t mean to upset you again.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter, I know you meant well.’

  But her eyes were full of tears. Evan went over to her and put his arms around her to try to make her feel better.

  ‘Mum, want me to have the day off, I’m sure the hospital will understand.’

  ‘No, no, I have to cope with this some time, now is as good a time as any. Although it’s going to be horrible here without Theresa, and now you two are going to work as well - it’ll be the first time in years I’ve been on my own.’

  ‘But I’ll be back after lunch,’ Donna said. ‘So you’ll only be alone for a few hours.’

  ‘I suppose you’re right.’

  Sadly, Donna knew she’d never replace Theresa. No one could.

  <><><>

  Later that evening while they ate their tea, homemade steak and kidney pudding, Evan asked, ‘So how did it go?’

  ‘Not too bad. But I never dreamed there’d be so many kids eating dinners, and some of them are so cheeky, you wouldn’t believe it. To be honest I’m exhausted.’

  Evan started to snigger, hoping to hide it by putting his hand in front of his mouth and coughing. Mrs Lacey smiled as well. ‘I could have told you that Donna. You should have seen my three, and that one over there was the worst.’ She pointed to her son.

  ‘Come on mum, you always said Cole was a lot more demanding than me.’

  ‘He was mostly. Always had too much to say for himself, did Cole? Spoke his mind too and sometimes that got him into trouble. The number of fights he used to get into, why it must have been nearly every week at one time. In a way, it was the best thing he ever did, joining the army. Although now I fear the worst because he’s constantly in danger. Hopefully any aggression he has, he’ll channel against the enemy, but then again there’s a chance he might get himself killed at any time.’

  ‘See I told you I was as good as gold.’

  ‘Sure you were. Quiet at least. But you were always so lively, getting into things. You used to wear me out.’

  ‘And how about you Donna? What kind of child were you?’ Evan asked.

  ‘Very timid. I used to do what I was told without question.’

  ‘Were your parents very strict then?’

  ‘You could say that. They used to make me do all everything I hated doing.’

  ‘Oh yes, like what?’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it Evan, so change the subject, will you?’ Her face reddened in anger, hating him prying into her past like that.

  ‘Ok, sorry babe – I can see it’s a sore point with you. If you don’t want to talk about it, then the subject’s closed as far as I’m concerned.’

  After clearing up after tea she went upstairs to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She lay on the bed, and mulling over her childhood memories, began to feel distressed again. How she envied Evan and his siblings having had a normal childhood. There was nothing normal about her own childhood, being constantly on show, and made to look her best, in front of endless rows of people and cameras. Even now, it turned her stomach – and oh how she resented her parents. All through her life they’d continued going on and on at her – even after the nightmare of her attack. But now she was part of another household, and because of her part time job, had a measure of independence. She was determined never to go back to that life with her parents again.

  A little time later there was a knock at her bedroom door. When she opened it, surprisingly Evan stood there with a guilty look on his face. She asked him to come in, and he sat at the end of the bed as far away from her as he could.

  ‘You all right now?’ he asked her simply.

  ‘I’ll live.’ She wasn’t able to look at him.

  ‘I’m really sorry if I upset you –’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. My childhood wasn’t the happiest part of my life. I’d like to forget about it, but I can’t.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I understand. I imagine you’ve had lots of problems in your life, I could see that by the state you were in, in hospital. I’d like to help if you’ll let me, but I’m not one to pry, no matter what you think. So I won’t push it, but any time you want to talk, I’m ready to listen.’ He gave her a warm smile, obviously hoping this would make Donna more comfortable about talking to him.

  ‘I know you are, and I’m really grateful, but I can’t talk about it to anyone. Let’s drop it, shall we? Before I start to cry.’ She took out a tissue and dabbed her eyes and cheeks.

  ‘All right. We just wondered if you still want to stay here now Theresa’s gone?’

  ‘Well, your mum said I was welcome to stay as long as I liked, unless you’ve both decided otherwise since then.’

  ‘No, no, it’s nothing like that. Mum and me would be devastated if you left. I just got the impression Theresa was the main reason you came here in the first place.’

  Donna was stunned by this. Whilst she was one of the reasons, in reality the whole family had made up her mind for her. They were like the family she’d always wished for. Now she worried over where that statement had come from and where it was leading.

  ‘You should know very well it wasn’t just Theresa. It was all of you, but if I’m not wanted…’

  ‘I’ve already told you that’s not the case. Just the opposite is true. Have you any idea how we’d feel if you left? You’re part of the family now. Perhaps to me more than that.’ This made her stomach flutter and whisper, ‘Oh God, no’ under her breath. She had to head him off quickly.

  ‘Well, I’m nothing special. I’m just a pathetic person with more hang-ups than most. I don’t want you wasting your time thinking about me.’

  ‘Donna – for God’s sake. You’re a lot like Theresa, you know that - there’s an aura about you too. It’s not about your appearance, it’s who you really are underneath all of that, the real you I love so much.’

  Donna turned to stare at him, seeing that innocent but serious look on his face.

  ‘You’ve got to be joking, Evan. After all the trouble I’ve got myself into, and how twice I’ve tried to commit suicide. You’re deluding yourself. I’m a failure, pure and simple.’

  He shook his head, not agreeing with her. ‘What I’d like more than anything is for us to be a proper couple. All right, we’ve been out as friends, and I know we get on really well – so why don’t we take it one step further? I mean ever since I’ve known you, I’ve never so much as held your hand, or kissed you or anything.’

  Although she’d known all along what he really wanted, it still came as a big surprise to hear him come right out and tell her. It sent shock waves of fear surging through her body, frightening her. She remembered vividly every minute detail of what had happened to her during her rape ordeal and with Blake afterwards. The repercussions remained, ruining her life.

  ‘Our friendship wouldn’t last long if we were a couple. I can’t give you what you n
eed me to give.’

  ‘Let me be the judge of that,’ he said forcibly, a serious look of determination forming on his face.

  She was perplexed, shaking her head from side to side. Couldn’t believe this was happening yet again. If only she could run away from him. But where would she go? ‘Evan, you’ll get hurt – and it’ll be all my fault. You’re a real nice guy; you deserve to be happy with someone who’ll return your love.’

  ‘Look at me,’ he began. ‘I don’t want to be with anyone else but you. I’d rather take whatever you’re able to give, than have a relationship with anyone else. You understand what I’m saying.’

  Donna reluctantly glanced into his eyes, then sniffed, trying to avoid tears. She so much wanted to return his affection, but couldn’t.

  ‘Come on, babe. I don’t know what happened, but it’s about time you put whatever it is behind you - or you’ll face a life of misery and regret. Is that what you want?’

  She shook her head; bit her bottom lip as she took stock of the situation.

  ‘Well then, why don’t we give it a try? See what happens. That’s all I’m asking,’ It almost sounded as if he was begging.

  She grasped her hands tightly, as the torment of it all went through her. She agonized over this, but if she didn’t take this opportunity now, her future would be bleak. It would be a risk, but wasn’t life all about risk? But was it worth that risk? Potential happiness or an eternity of misery. She had to choose.

  ‘All right,’ she said quietly and simply. His blue eyes widened with delight, and his face became a picture of joy.

  And for a moment although his mouth opened, he seemed lost for words. Then finally he whispered in disbelief, ‘You really mean that?’

  ‘Yes Evan, but don’t get the wrong idea. This will be difficult for me, so don’t expect too much and you won’t be disappointed.’

  ‘I know what I’m getting myself into. I just want to be with you, talk to you – anything else will be a bonus.’

  ‘As long as you’re under no illusions.’

  ‘All right if I tell a few people we’re going out together?’ he wanted to know.

  She sighed - had guessed this was coming. ‘Evan, I don’t care who you tell, but don’t forget I may not be the girl friend you deserve.’

  ‘I know and I respect that. I’ll just tell mum, but say it’s nothing serious at the moment – all right.’

  ‘Ok.’

  <><><>

  Evan’s mother was thrilled and raised up her arms with joy when she heard the news. ‘That’s absolutely wonderful, you make a lovely couple.’

  ‘Thanks mum. I think so too.’

  Donna just smiled. Already she feared Mrs Lacey would anticipate wedding bells coming soon, but that was the last thing on Donna’s mind. She hoped too that Evan wouldn’t get too carried away.

  Chapter 22

  THE NIGHT WAS COLD, DONNA SHIVERED AS THEY WALKED TOGETHER AFTER ANOTHER EVENING OUT, THIS TIME AT A FRENCH RESTAURANT JUST ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF DEXFORD. It had been an enjoyable evening, but as they drove back, Evan seemed unusually quiet, locked in his own thoughts.

  After parking the car outside the house, he appeared to hesitate, strangely not making any attempt to get out. Donna was puzzled. Something was going on in his mind, but what?’ Then he gazed into her eyes and said, ‘You know babe, you really do have the most beautiful sensuous lips. I keep trying to imagine what it would be like to kiss you.’

  Donna’s heart beat faster as he moved across to her. For a second she froze, feeling sick. But she saw the anguish and hurt in his eyes and felt so sorry for him. He obviously had strong feelings for her and although she did like him, she’d avoided any physical contact so far, apart from holding hands and the odd peck on the cheek. This was the first time he’d spoken about it directly.

  She did so want to make him happy, yet when their lips met she froze, and was shaking. Sensing her nervousness he took hold of her hand and squeezed it. After only about ten seconds, he moved away again giving her a warm smile. He was very gentle, and for that she was grateful.

  ‘See that wasn’t so bad, was it?’

  She smiled. In fact, in the end she found the kiss quite pleasant.

  He held both of her hands and looking deep into her eyes, said, ‘We can make a go of this, Donna. It won’t be easy, but we’ll get there, I promise you.’

  ‘You’ll need the patience of a saint, Evan.’

  ‘I’ll wait for forever if that’s how long it takes.’

  She liked being told this, and even let him kiss her again, although this kiss didn’t last quite as long. Donna broke off quickly sensing he might get carried away.

  ‘Please stop now, you’re making me feel funny.’ She pushed him gently away.

  His eyes dropped, as if he found this upsetting. ‘Wish you’d tell me what this is all about. I’ve heard all about your parents, about how they forced you into the limelight. But something else happened to you, didn’t it?’

  Donna shook her head vigorously, but knew Evan would need an explanation.

  ‘Please Donna, you must tell me. If we want this relationship to work, we can’t have any secrets from each other. You should be able speak to me about anything. And I’ll do the same for you. It will help I’m sure, and I promise whatever you say, will remain strictly between the two of us.’

  ‘No Evan, no way. You’re trying to push me into a corner and if I’m not careful, I’ll go to pieces. I can’t talk to anyone, not even you – you hear me?’ She opened the car door to get out.

  Without looking back to see if Evan was following, she made for the front door. Of course she had a key, but knew he was right behind her, as he leaned over to put his own key in the lock.

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pressurise you. I’ll back off, all right. If this thing that happened to you was so awful, keep it to yourself, if that’s what you want. I won’t mention the subject again, ever – I promise.’ He pushed the front door open.

  She was still angry with him for trying to find out about her darkest secret. She couldn’t speak about it to him because she was so frightened. Even now, at times she still had nightmares about the attack, and as no one had ever been caught. She feared her attacker was still out there, waiting in the shadows, ready to pounce, the first time she dropped her guard. That’s why when she went out, she always felt safer when someone was with her.

  She ran upstairs to her bedroom, leaving Evan standing in the hall, wondering how to cure her of this problem. Did he have an inkling of what had happened to her? She feared he had.

  The following morning things were back to normal, the events of the previous day pushed firmly into the background. At some point the truth would come out, but for now it was too much to cope with.

  <><><>

  A few months later, Evan was holding Donna’s hand as they walked along a pathway overlooking a lake in the glorious Welsh countryside.

  ‘Donna, I wanted to ask you something,’ he said turning to her.

  ‘Oh yes, and what’s that?’ She was looking ahead of her as a red kite seemed to hover before plunging towards the lake in search of fish.

  She had no idea what was coming and wasn’t even listening as intently as she should.

  ‘Well…er… this isn’t easy for me. In fact, I’m shaking like a leaf. But I have to do this, or I’ll never find out the truth –’

  Donna narrowed her eyes, looked puzzled, then she started to giggle. What was he going on about now? Then he put his hand in his pocket, pulled out a small bag. He moved his hand slowly towards her.

  ‘What have you got there, for God’s sake - not another packet of wine gums is it?’ She joked, remembering the last time he’d pulled this stunt.

  ‘Well, not exactly. This is what I’ve wanted to give you for a long time. In fact, I bought it ages ago, but it’s taken me until now to pluck up the courage. Hopefully, you’ll want to wear this for the rest of your life.’

  She stopped in her
tracks, felt a lump in her throat, the smile vanishing from her face as the situation became clear. She reddened, even more so when he took a small black box out of the bag. With his other hand, he opened the lid to reveal a beautiful diamond engagement ring.

  Her eyes widened with astonishment as she gazed at it. The diamond, which sparkled in the sunlight, had a slight yellow tinge. It was held by a band of gold.

  ‘Evan …no,’ she began, her whole body twitching as the enormity of what he was proposing hit her. She moved away from him, terrified out of her wits.

  ‘What’s wrong – I...I thought you’d be pleased.’

  ‘Sorry – but I can’t handle this. Put that away, take it back to the shop and get your money back, because I can never wear it.’

  ‘But why ever not?’

  She shook her head, realising she should have expected this; after all, they’d been going out for almost a year now. They got on well, rarely had arguments, and seemed happy in each other’s company. So long as he kept his distance, just held her hand, and only kissed her occasionally, everything was fine. But this proposal was the natural progression for any couple. The longer they remained together, the more likely something like this would happen. She cursed herself for being so stupid. But he should have known this could never be. Had it not been for the rape, and what she’d suffered afterwards, it might have been possible. Unfortunately it had happened and would be forever ingrained in her memory.

  ‘Why did you have to spoil everything?’ She looked up at him, through tear-filled eyes. ‘Why can’t you make do with what we have, instead of wanting the earth? I can’t give you any more than I’m giving you already – I must have told you a hundred times. Now I can never be the same with you again – and it’s your own fault.’

  He stroked his chin, sighing intermittently, pondering over what he’d done. He looked stunned. ‘I’m really sorry, I didn’t intend spoiling things, as you say. I wanted to make things even better between us, and I got it into my head that if I showed you some real commitment, you might finally believe what I keep telling you. If I’ve offended or hurt you, forgive me. I promise you I’d never harm a hair on your head. Haven’t I proved that already enough times in the past?’