A Series of Unfortunate Events Collection: Books 1-13 with Bonus Material

by Lemony Snicket

  “You’re right, Ishmael,” Friday said quietly, and removed her sunglasses with one hand while the other hand darted into one of her robe’s deep pockets.

  “That’s better,” Ishmael said, and smiled at the Baudelaires. “I hope you will enjoy living on this island,” he said. “We’re all castaways here, from one storm or another, and rather than trying to return to the world, we’ve built a colony safe from the world’s treachery.”

  “There was a treacherous person with them,” Friday piped up eagerly. “His name was Count Olaf, but he was so nasty that I didn’t let him come with us.”

  “Olaf?” Ishmael said, and his eyebrows raised again. “Is this man a friend of yours?”

  “Fat chance,” Sunny said.

  “No, he isn’t,” Violet translated quickly. “To tell you the truth, we’ve been trying to escape from Count Olaf for quite some time.”

  “He’s a dreadful man,” Klaus said.

  “Same boat,” Sunny said.

  “Hmmm,” Ishmael said thoughtfully. “Is that the whole story, Baudelaires?”

  The children looked at one another. Of course, the few sentences they’d uttered were not the whole story. There was much, much more to the story of the Baudelaires and Count Olaf, and if the children had recited all of it Ishmael probably would have wept until the tears melted away the clay so his feet were bare and he had nothing to sit on. The Baudelaires could have told the island’s facilitator about all of Count Olaf’s schemes, from his vicious murder of Uncle Monty to his betrayal of Madame Lulu at the Caligari Carnival. They could have told him about his disguises, from his false peg leg when he was pretending to be Captain Sham, to his running shoes and turban when he was calling himself Coach Genghis. They could have told Ishmael about Olaf’s many comrades, from his girlfriend Esmé Squalor to the two white-faced women who had disappeared in the Mortmain Mountains, and they could have told Ishmael about all of the unsolved mysteries that still kept the Baudelaires awake at night, from the disappearance of Captain Widdershins from an underwater cavern to the strange taxi driver who had approached the children outside the Hotel Denouement, and of course they could have told Ishmael about that ghastly day at Briny Beach, when they first heard the news of their parents’ deaths. But if the Baudelaires had told Ishmael the whole story, they would have had to tell the parts that put the Baudelaires in an unfavorable light, a phrase which here means “the things the Baudelaires had done that were perhaps as treacherous as Olaf.” They would have talked about their own schemes, from digging a pit to trap Esmé to starting the fire that destroyed the Hotel Denouement. They would have mentioned their own disguises, from Sunny pretending to be Chabo the Wolf Baby to Violet and Klaus pretending to be Snow Scouts, and their own comrades, from Justice Strauss, who turned out to be more useful than they had first thought, to Fiona, who turned out to be more treacherous than they had imagined. If the Baudelaire orphans had told Ishmael the whole story, they might have looked as villainous as Count Olaf. The Baudelaires did not want to find themselves back on the coastal shelf, with all the detritus of the storm. They wanted to be safe from treachery and harm, even if the customs of the island colony were not exactly to their liking, and so, rather than telling Ishmael the whole story, the Baudelaires merely nodded, and said the safest thing they could think of.

  “It depends on how you look at it,” Violet said, and her siblings nodded in agreement.

  “Very well,” Ishmael said. “Run along and find your robes, and once you’ve changed, please give all of your old things to Friday and we’ll haul them off to the arboretum.”

  “Everything?” Klaus said.

  Ishmael nodded. “That’s our custom.”

  “Occulaklaus?” Sunny asked, and her siblings quickly explained that she meant something like, “What about Klaus’s glasses?”

  “He can scarcely read without them,” Violet added.

  Ishmael raised his eyebrows again. “Well, there’s no library here,” he said quickly, with a nervous glance at Friday, “but I suppose your eyeglasses are of some use. Now, hurry along, Baudelaires, unless you’d like a sip of cordial before you go.”

  “No, thank you,” Klaus said, wondering how many times he and his siblings would be offered this strange, sweet beverage. “My siblings and I tried some, and didn’t care much for the taste.”

  “I won’t force you,” Ishmael said again, “but your initial opinion on just about anything may change over time. See you soon, Baudelaires.”

  He gave them a small wave, and the Baudelaires waved back as Friday led them out of the tent and farther uphill where more tents were fluttering in the morning breeze.

  “Choose any tent you like,” Friday said. “We all switch tents each day—except for Ishmael, because of his feet.”

  “Isn’t it confusing to sleep in a different place each night?” Violet asked.

  “It depends on how you look at it,” Friday said, taking a sip from her seashell. “I’ve never slept any other way.”

  “Have you lived your whole life on this island?” Klaus said.

  “Yes,” Friday said. “My mother and father took an ocean cruise while she was pregnant, and ran into a terrible storm. My father was devoured by a manatee, and my mother was washed ashore when she was pregnant with me. You’ll meet her soon. Now please hurry up and change.”

  “Prompt,” Sunny assured her, and Friday took her hand out of her pocket and shook Sunny’s. The Baudelaires walked into the nearest tent, where a pile of robes lay folded in one corner. In moments, they changed into their new clothes, happy to discard their concierge uniforms, which were soaked and salty from the night’s storm. When they were finished, however, they stood and stared for a moment at the pile of damp clothing. The Baudelaires felt strange to don the garments of shibboleth, a phrase which here means “wear the warm and somewhat unflattering clothing that was customary to people they hardly knew.” It felt as if the three siblings were casting away everything that had happened to them prior to their arrival on the island. Their clothing, of course, was not the Baudelaires’ whole story, as clothing is never anyone’s whole story, except perhaps in the case of Esmé Squalor, whose villainous and fashionable clothing revealed just how villainous and fashionable she was. But the Baudelaires could not help but feel that they were abandoning their previous lives, in favor of new lives on an island of strange customs.

  “I won’t throw away this ribbon,” Violet said, winding the slender piece of cloth through her fingertips. “I’m still going to invent things, no matter what Ishmael says.”

  “I’m not throwing away my commonplace book,” Klaus said, holding the dark blue notebook. “I’ll still research things, even if there’s no library here.”

  “No throw this,” Sunny said, and held up a small metal implement so her siblings could see. One end was a small, simple handle, perfect for Sunny’s petite hands, and the other end branched into several sturdy wires that were meshed together like a small shrubbery.

  “What is that?” Violet asked.

  “Whisk,” Sunny said, and she was exactly right. A whisk is a kitchen tool used to mix ingredients together rapidly, and the youngest Baudelaire was happy to have such a useful item in her possession.

  “Yes,” Klaus said. “I remember our father used to use it when he prepared scrambled eggs. But where did it come from?”

  “Gal Friday,” Sunny said.

  “She knows Sunny can cook,” Violet said, “but she must have thought Ishmael would make her throw the whisk away.”

  “I guess she’s not so eager to follow all of the colony’s customs,” Klaus said.

  “Guesso,” Sunny agreed, and put the whisk in one of her robe’s deep pockets. Klaus did the same with his commonplace book, and Violet did the same with her ribbon, and the three of them stood together for a moment, sharing their pocketed secrets. It felt strange to be keeping secrets from people who had taken them in so kindly, just as it felt strange not to tell Ishmael their whole stor
y. The secrets of the ribbon, the commonplace book, and the whisk felt submerged, a word for “hidden” that usually applies to things underwater, such as a submarine submerged in the sea, or a boat’s figurehead submerged in a coastal shelf, and with each step the Baudelaires took out of the tent, they felt their submerged secrets bumping up against them from within the pockets of their robes.

  The word “ferment,” like the words “bear,” “yarn,” and “hard,” can mean two completely different things. One meaning is the chemical process by which the juice of certain fruits becomes sweeter and stronger, as Klaus explained to his siblings on the coastal shelf. But the other meaning of “ferment” refers to something building inside someone, like a secret that may be eventually found out, or a scheme that someone has been planning for quite some time. As the three Baudelaires exited the tent, and handed the detritus of their previous lives to Friday, they felt their own secrets fermenting inside them, and wondered what other secrets and schemes lay undiscovered. The Baudelaire orphans followed Friday back down the sloping beach, and wondered what else was fermenting on this strange island that was their new home.

  CHAPTER

  Four

  By the time the Baudelaire orphans returned to Ishmael’s tent, the joint was hopping, a phrase which here means “full of islanders in white robes, all holding items they had scavenged from the coastal shelf.” The sheep were no longer napping but standing stiffly in two long lines, and the ropes tying them together led to a large wooden sleigh—an unusual form of transportation in such warm weather. Friday led the children through the colonists and sheep, who stepped aside and looked curiously at the three new castaways. Although this was the first time that the Baudelaires were castaways, they were accustomed to being strangers in a community, from their days at Prufrock Preparatory School to their time spent in the Village of Fowl Devotees, but they still did not enjoy being stared at. But it is one of the strange truths of life that practically nobody likes to be stared at and that practically nobody can stop themselves from staring, and as the three children made their way toward Ishmael, who was still sitting on his enormous clay chair, the Baudelaires could not help looking back at the islanders with the same curiosity, wondering how so many people could become castaways on the same island. It was as if the world was full of people with lives as unfortunate as that of the Baudelaires, all ending up in the very same place.

  Friday led the Baudelaires to the base of Ishmael’s chair, and the facilitator smiled down at the children as they sat at his clay-covered feet. “Those white robes look very handsome on you Baudelaires,” he said. “Much better than those uniforms you were wearing earlier. You’re going to be wonderful colonists, I am sure of it.”

  “Pyrrhonic?” Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, “How can you be sure of such a thing based on our clothing?” But rather than translate, Violet remembered that the colony valued kindness and decided to say something kind.

  “I can’t tell you how much we appreciate this,” Violet said, careful not to lean against the mounds of clay that hid Ishmael’s toes. “We didn’t know what would happen to us after the storm, and we’re grateful to you, Ishmael, for taking us in.”

  “Everyone is taken in here,” Ishmael said, apparently forgetting that Count Olaf had been abandoned. “And please, call me Ish. Would you like some cordial?”

  “No, thank you,” said Klaus, who could not bring himself to call the facilitator by his nickname. “We’d like to meet the other colonists, if that’s all right.”

  “Of course,” Ishmael said, and clapped his hands for attention. “Islanders!” he cried. “As I’m sure you’ve noticed, we have three new castaways with us today—Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, the only survivors of that terrible storm. I’m not going to force you, but as you bring up your storm scavenging items for my suggestions, why don’t you introduce yourselves to our new colonists?”

  “Good idea, Ishmael,” said someone from the back of the tent.

  “Call me Ish,” said Ishmael, stroking his beard. “Now then, who’s first?”

  “I suppose I am,” said a pleasant-looking man who was holding what looked like a large, metal flower. “It’s nice to meet you three. My name is Alonso, and I’ve found the propeller of an airplane. The poor pilot must have flown straight into the storm.”

  “What a shame,” Ishmael said. “Well, there’s no airplane to be found on the island, so I don’t think a propeller will be of much use.”

  “Excuse me,” Violet said hesitantly, “but I know something about mechanical devices. If we rigged the propeller up to a simple handpowered motor, we’d have a perfect fan for keeping cool on particularly hot days.”

  There was a murmur of appreciation from the crowd, and Alonso smiled at Violet. “It does get mighty hot around here,” he said. “That’s a good idea.”

  Ishmael took a sip of cordial from his seashell, and then frowned at the propeller. “It depends on how you look at it,” he said. “If we only made one fan, then we’d all be arguing over who got to stand in front of it.”

  “We could take turns,” Alonso said.

  “Whose turn will it be on the hottest day of the year?” Ishmael countered, a word which here means “said in a firm and sensible tone of voice, even though it was not necessarily a sensible thing to say.” “I’m not going to force you, Alonso, but I don’t think building a fan is worth all the fuss it might cause.”

  “I suppose you’re right,” Alonso said, with a shrug, and put the propeller on the wooden sleigh. “The sheep can take it to the arboretum.”

  “An excellent decision,” Ishmael said, as a girl perhaps one or two years older than Violet stepped forward.

  “I’m Ariel,” she said, “and I found this in a particularly shallow part of the shelf. I think it’s a dagger.”

  “A dagger?” Ishmael said. “You know we don’t welcome weapons on the island.”

  Klaus was peering at the item Ariel was holding, which was made of carved wood rather than metal. “I don’t think that’s a dagger,” Klaus said. “I believe it’s an old tool used for cutting the pages of books. Nowadays most books are sold with their pages already separated, but some years ago each page was attached to the next, so you needed an implement to slice open the folds of paper and read the book.”

  “That’s interesting,” Ariel remarked.

  “It depends on how you look at it,” Ishmael said. “I fail to see how it could be of use here. We’ve never had a single book wash ashore—the storms simply tear the pages apart.”

  Klaus reached into his pocket and touched his hidden commonplace book. “You never know when a book might turn up,” he pointed out. “In my opinion, that tool might be useful to keep around.”

  Ishmael sighed, looking first at Klaus and then at the girl who had found the item. “Well, I’m not going to force you, Ariel,” he said, “but if I were you I would toss that silly thing onto the sleigh.”

  “I’m sure you’re right,” Ariel said, shrugging at Klaus, and she put the page cutter next to the propeller as a plump man with a sunburned face stepped forward.

  “Sherman’s the name,” said Sherman, with a little bow to all three siblings. “And I found a cheese grater. I nearly lost a finger prying it away from a nest of crabs!”

  “You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble,” Ishmael said. “We’re not going to have much use for a cheese grater without any cheese.”

  “Grate coconut,” Sunny said. “Delicious cake.”

  “Cake?” Sherman said. “Egad, that would be delicious. We haven’t had dessert since I’ve arrived here.”

  “Coconut cordial is sweeter than dessert,” Ishmael said, raising his seashell to his lips. “I certainly wouldn’t force you, Sherman, but I do think it would be best if that grater were thrown away.”

  Sherman took a sip from his own seashell, and then nodded, looking down at the sand. “Very well,” he said, and the rest of the morning proceeded in a similar manner. Isla
nder after islander introduced themselves and presented the items they had found, and nearly every time the colony’s facilitator discouraged them from keeping anything. A bearded man named Robinson found a pair of overalls, but Ishmael reminded him that the colony only wore the customary white robes, even though Violet could imagine herself wearing them while inventing some sort of mechanical device, so as not to get her robe dirty. An old woman named Erewhon held up a pair of skis that Ishmael dismissed as impractical, although Klaus had read of people who had used skis to cross mud and sand, and a red-haired woman named Weyden offered a salad spinner, but Ishmael reminded her that the island’s only salads were to be made from the seaweed that was rinsed in the pool and dried out in the sun, rather than spun, even though Sunny could almost taste a dried coconut snack that such an appliance could have made. Ferdinand offered a brass cannon, which Ishmael was afraid would hurt someone, and Larsen held up a lawn mower only to have Ishmael remind her that the beach did not need to be trimmed regularly. A boy about Klaus’s age introduced himself as Omeros, and held up a deck of playing cards he had found, but Ishmael convinced him that a deck of cards was likely to lead to gambling, and he dumped his item into the sleigh, as did a young girl named Finn, who’d found a typewriter that Ishmael had pronounced useless without paper. Brewster had found a window that had survived the storm without breaking, but Ishmael pointed out that you didn’t need a window to admire the island’s views, and Calypso had found a door that the facilitator had hinted could not be attached to any of the island’s tents. Byam, whose mustache was unusually curly, discarded some batteries he had found, and Willa, whose head was unusually large, decided against a garden hose that was encrusted with barnacles. Mr. Pitcairn took the top of a chest of drawers to the arboretum, followed by Ms. Marlow, who had the bottom of a barrel. Dr. Kurtz threw out a silver tray, and Professor Fletcher ejected a chandelier, while Madame Nordoff denied the island a checkerboard and Rabbi Bligh agreed that the services of a large, ornate bird cage were not necessary on the island. The only items that the islanders ended up keeping were a few nets, which they would add to their supply of nets used to catch fish, and a few blankets, which Ishmael thought would eventually fade to white in the island sun. Finally, two siblings named Jonah and Sadie Bellamy displayed the boat on which the Baudelaires had arrived, with its figurehead still missing and its nameplate reading COUNT OLAF still taped to the back, but the colony was almost finished with its customary outrigger for Decision Day, and so the Bellamys lifted the boat onto the sleigh without much discussion. The sheep wearily dragged the sleigh out of the tent, up over the brae, and toward the far side of the island to dump the items in the arboretum, and the islanders excused themselves, at Ishmael’s suggestion, to wash their hands for lunch. Within moments the only occupants of the tent were Ishmael, the Baudelaire orphans, and the girl who had first brought them to the tent, as if the siblings were merely another piece of wreckage to be picked over for approval.