by S J Crabb
The next day I see that Nathan has been back but has obviously gone again as there is a note in the kitchen. It says.
Sorry baby had to go in early. See you later x
Once I get in to work it is all hands on deck getting the sale ready and I don’t have time to catch up with him. I decide that I will go home later as I am running out of clean clothes and Nathan could probably do with the rest. I text him and then head off home.
Phoebe is full of her Christmas celebrations and it turns out that Boris bought her a new car, a really sweet little Fiat 500, which totally suits her. She bought him a new Telescope, as he loves to look into space. I laugh to myself at the thought of the two of them. They are certainly a wacky couple.
Strangely I don’t hear from Nathan for a couple of days but just put it down to his workload. Since he returned from Head Office he has had lots of catching up to do and as usual my thoughts turn to Ben; I can’t help it and look at the canvas that I have put up in my bedroom, remembering how I felt at the time. He is right, it is better when I don’t see him. Despite the fact that he is always not far away in my thoughts my head feels clearer when he is not around.
Soon it is New Years Eve and I am at Nathan’s getting ready. We are going to the Football Club party and are dressing up for the occasion. I decide to wear a pale pink floor length dress with a black wrap and have put my hair up in an elegant style. Nathan looks very smart in a black tuxedo and I feel excited to be going out dressed in style.
As soon as we get there he is spirited away by the team. I find Tina and we grab a drink and find somewhere to sit. I am not sure why but several of the other girls look at me with strange looks and I mention it to Tina as we sit down. “Tina, have you noticed anyone giving me strange looks tonight? Is my dress on back to front or undone at the back?” She smiles but I notice that she looks a little worried. I look at her with an expectant look and she sighs.
“Look Bella, I’m sure it is nothing but they are probably more used to seeing him with Melissa rather than you.” She looks embarrassed and I am speechless. “But Melissa is Ben’s girlfriend. Don’t they know that?” Once again Tina looks embarrassed. “The trouble is Ben hasn’t been for ages. Melissa still comes every match and her and Nathan spend time together at the bar afterwards.” She looks at me with a reassuring expression. “I am sure that it’s nothing. They are just friends. If it was anything else Bradley would have told me.”
I don’t know what to say. A horrible feeling is growing in me and suddenly I am adding 2 and 2 together and making 6. I smile at her quickly but know that I am not fooling anyone. She looks at me sympathetically. “Come on, let’s go and find the boys. Nathan will soon put a stop to the looks when they see you both together. It’s probably because you never come to the matches.”
We go to look for them but my feeling of apprehension is growing and I don’t want to be here anymore. Nathan puts his arm around me as we draw near and kisses me on the cheek. “Here she is, my beautiful Bella. Aren’t I the luckiest guy in the world?” Bradley smiles at me and Tina looks at me as if to say, see, no problem. I am not convinced and just smile weakly.
The place is packed and soon everyone is merry and dancing madly around the dance floor. I try to quell my suspicions and concentrate on having a good time. Now is not the time to bring the subject up but I vow to confront him with it in the morning. Despite how I am feeling we have a good time and it is not long before it approaches 12am. Nathan has been pacing himself thankfully so is just being good company and keeping everyone entertained. We are all laughing at some joke when I notice that Bradley and Tina suddenly look worried and stare behind me. Nathan also notices and as he looks his face turns white. I turn around and see Melissa standing behind us tears running down her cheeks.
I look at them all in confusion and see that she is looking at Nathan, her expression worried and vulnerable. He recovers a little and says, “Melissa, what are you doing here, where’s Ben?” Bradley looks really uncomfortable and Tina looks at me with a worried expression. I watch the scene unfold as though I am not part of any of it. Melissa says in a quiet voice, “I am sorry Nathan but I have to talk to you. It’s gone too far now and I can’t carry on.”
Nathan looks at her disbelievingly and then at me with consternation. Quickly he grabs her arm. “Come on Melissa, let’s go somewhere quieter and you can tell me what’s troubling you.” He then frogmarches her out leaving me looking after them in confusion. I make as if to follow them and Bradley grabs hold of my arm. “Leave it Bella,” he says obviously trying to brush it all off. I snatch my arm away and glare at him before following Nathan and Melissa out of the room. As I reach them I can see her shoulders shaking and Nathan looking devastated. I stand in front of them and say, “What’s going on, are you ok Melissa, how on earth can Nathan help you?” She turns her face towards me with a stricken expression. “Oh God Bella, I am so sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.” I must be in shock because no words come out. Nathan puts his hand on my arm and looks worried. “Bella, I ’m so sorry, it’s not what you think.” Melissa looks at him in shock and bursts out crying. “I can’t do this anymore Nathan, I’m pregnant.” I look at him and he turns even whiter and just stares at her. I find my voice first and say falteringly, “Does Ben know? I mean I’m sure he will stand by you.” Melissa looks at me with almost pity and says, “I’m sorry Bella but Nathan is the father, not Ben.”
I feel as if she has slapped me in the face and I stagger back. Nathan makes as if to grab hold of me but I push him roughly away. Tears spring into my eyes and as I look at them everything falls into place. It is not me who has been unfaithful but Nathan. They are both looking at me and I pull away.
My first thought is that I have to get out of there. I start to run and hear Nathan calling after me. I hear Melissa call his name but still I run, as fast as I can away from them. Bursting through the doors outside the cold air hits me. Tears run down my face and luckily I see a Taxi waiting in the lay-by. Jumping in I ask him to take me to my flat, giving him the address.
I sit back heavily in the seat and dare not look behind me. I need to get away from them both and I just sit there in total shock. I get home feeling totally numb. As I let myself in I notice with relief that Phoebe is not home. I can’t face anyone and need to digest what has just happened. Locking the door behind me I draw the curtains. I know that it’s the first place that Nathan will look, that is if he even tries to find me. I go into my bedroom and tear off my dress. I put on my jogging bottoms and sweatshirt and lay on the bed.
The events of the last hour play around and around in my mind and I can’t make sense of any of it. I hear my phone ringing and see that it is Nathan calling. It rings off and I block his number. I look up and see the little canvas propped up against the shelf and I reach out and lift it down studying it and remembering how free I felt in the tree. I would give anything to be back there, nothing but the freedom it gave me to worry about. Somehow since then my life has blown out of all control.
I hug the canvas to me and tears run freely down my face. I don’t know what I should be feeling. Seeing Nathan’s face as he looked at me in shock will probably live in my mind for some time. Lying back on the bed I draw my knees up to my chest and try to block everything out. I lay there in darkness as the New Year dawns and I know in my heart that this is the end for me and Nathan. It probably ended ages ago but we didn’t register it and just carried on regardless. If we were in love nobody could come between us, and I recognise that it could have been me who was unfaithful if Ben had just clicked his fingers. I also decide that I need time to get away. As soon as I can I will go where nobody can find me. I need to adjust to what has happened on my own and in my own time.
I must have fallen asleep because I am woken up by someone banging on the door. I sit up and it all comes flooding back. I look at my clock and see that it is 3am. I can hear Nathan calling, “Bella, please open the door. I need to explain.” I sit there
in the darkness wrapping my arms around my legs quietly waiting for him to go. I hear shouting and realise that my neighbour has been woken up and is annoyed. I hear Nathan’s footsteps moving away and sink back on to my bed with relief. I know that I have to face him at some point, but I am not strong enough yet. My head is spinning with all manner of thoughts and then I think of Ben. He must be going through this too. I wonder what Melissa has said to him and what he must be feeling.
Then I think of my parents and Nathan’s family and the tears fall again. They will be so disappointed and upset. We all got along so well and now there would be bad feeling between us all. Then I think of Melissa. Strangely, I don’t blame her. It was obvious that she was feeling neglected and obviously Nathan filled the gap for her. I wonder about the baby and fresh tears fall as I picture them together as a family.
Once again I fall into a fitful sleep and as the New Year dawns I wake up a changed person. Nothing is the same anymore and I need to re-group and sort my head out.
I make myself some tea and contemplate what I must do next. The need to get away is overwhelming me so I look up the number of the only place that I can think of to go to think.
Chapter Sixteen
I call and surprisingly they answer. In no time I have booked in for later on today and set about packing a bag. I leave a note for Phoebe, saying that I have my phone and will text her later and then send one to my parents, not giving any details just saying that I am going away for a few days and will be in touch when I get back. I send an email to the HR department at work and say that I won’t be in for the rest of the week due to a family emergency. I think about contacting Ben but decide it is best not to as I need to keep a clear head.
I am now feeling numb and slightly removed from my situation. As I turn into Marsden Grange, I feel as though I have come home. I check in and receive the keys to one of the lodges. I am so grateful that they had space and were open as most places wouldn’t be on New Years Day. As I enter the lodge a sense of calm comes over me. I feel as though I can breathe again and relax away from the nightmare that has unfolded back at home. I know that I am being a coward but the sense of self preservation has overridden everything else.
I decide to sleep in the bigger bedroom. The memory of the other one with Nathan is too vivid, so I dump my bag on the bed and look around. It is so quiet here and I know that I have made the right decision. I decide to light a fire as it is quite cold and in no time it is roaring away. I make myself a hot chocolate and sit watching its flames leaping around, warming me and distracting me from my thoughts. I have put my phone on silent and sit there for some time, clearing my head.
After some time I feel hungry and decide to see if the shop is open. I am not really expecting it to be and hope that I don’t need to go looking for a pub to eat in instead. I really can’t face being around people at the moment.
Wrapping up warmly I head off down the path. I am the only one around and can just hear the birds singing in the trees. As I thought the shop is closed and sighing to myself I head back thinking that I will have to get the car out and look for a shop in the nearby town. All of a sudden I get to the tree that Ben and I climbed, not that long ago. It becomes really important for me to climb it so I haul myself up into it.
Onwards and upwards I go until I can climb no more. I sit there holding on looking at the view and feel a rush of pleasure as I feel totally free for the first time in ages. I can do whatever I want. I am free at last. My life is waiting for me to decide in what direction I want it to go and my feelings of desolation and unhappiness are replaced by an all consuming happiness. I feel as though I want to stay here all day. This is my moment and I am enjoying every minute of it.
I am not sure how long I have been sitting here for. It seems like ages and once again my hunger takes over. Reluctantly I decide that I should climb down and find a shop to buy some food. I take it slowly and feel a great sense of achievement as I jump to the ground. I turn to head back up the path and am disconcerted to see somebody approaching.
As they draw nearer I suddenly tense up in shock. Ben is heading purposefully down the path towards me and is looking very tense. He suddenly sees me standing there and his eyes lock on to mine and he stops and looks at me intently not saying a word. Slowly he approaches still looking intense, not looking away for a minute. Soon he is standing inches away from me. His face relaxes and he looks at me, his eyes shining as he holds my gaze. Gently he cups my chin between his fingers and leans towards me. I see his eyes darken and feel his breath on my face. He brings his other hand up around the back of my head and holds it firmly. My knees have gone weak but I don’t look away. I want him to kiss me more than I have ever wanted anything in my life and then suddenly his mouth is upon mine. My lips part welcoming him in and I feel the effects as if I have been hit with a thousand electric shocks.. His kiss is more urgent now, his tongue caressing mine, deeper and deeper. He pulls me against him harder so that our bodies are touching and pushes me forcefully against the tree trunk, his leg moving in between mine. I am pinned against the tree as he kisses me relentlessly. I move my hand up and run my fingers through his hair, holding his head in my hand as he continues to kiss me creating the most exciting intense pleasure that I have every felt.
I don’t want it to stop and arch my body towards his. His arm moves around my waist and pulls me even tighter towards him. Nothing else matters to me but this moment. I have waited for this for ten years and it is every bit as good as I imagined it, in fact even better. Then it is over. He buries his face in my hair and my breath comes in short sharp gasps.
We cling together not wanting to let go but reluctantly pull apart. Still holding on to me he looks into my eyes and I can see that it has affected him too. His voice is husky as he says, “I have wanted to do that for the last 10 years.” Shocked I look at him and he smiles. “Ever since we kissed at the party. You may not remember it but the memory has never left me.” Tears roll down my face and he looks concerned. Wiping them away with his fingers he says, “I’m sorry Bella, I didn’t mean to upset you.” I smile at him. “Me too. I thought that you were too drunk to remember. I have never ever forgotten it. Nothing has ever come close to how I felt that day - until now.” He looks surprised and then a broad smile spreads across his face. “Then we share the same memory. If only things had been done differently then, I wonder where we would both be now.”
I smile and say, “Hopefully right here standing under this tree holding hands. It may have been a different journey that got us here, but surely all that matters now is that we made it.”
Once again he lifts his arm and his fingers gently trace the side of my face and then brush against my lips. He leans towards me and this time his kiss is much gentler. He teases me with his tongue and I long for him to hold me against him and kiss me as passionately as he did before. But he draws away looking into my eyes with a soft expression.
“I didn’t come here to seduce you Bella, I came to check that you were ok.” I must look shocked because he smiles and says in a soft voice, “You have had a terrible shock and the last thing you need is me adding to the confusion that you must be feeling. Come on, let me take you back and look after you. No strings, just friendship.”
He takes my hand and leads me back down the path and I battle with my feeling of frustration giving way to my common sense. He is right; I am in no position to start another relationship, no matter how much I want to. I do have one question that needs answering and say, “Ben, why did you kiss me?” He looks at me and his mouth twitches with amusement. “I am sorry Bella, I couldn’t help myself. Like I said, I have waited ten years to do that and when I saw you standing underneath our tree I was firstly just relieved to see you and that you were ok and secondly you looked so vulnerable and the years just melted away and you were my Bella again.”
He squeezes my hand and my eyes fill with tears. “How did you know that I would be here?” I say swallowing hard. “Because I knew that nobody w
ould think to look for you here, after all it is the place that Nathan and Melissa started their relationship. They wouldn’t think that you would want to go to a place with such strong memories. However I knew that we shared our own memories here and it is special to me because of that. The two of them mean nothing compared to what we shared.”
Again my eyes fill with tears. “But what do you mean they started their relationship here?” Ben’s face darkens as he looks at me. “That night that we all went in the hot tub, after you went to bed I also went soon after. As you know I didn’t get much sleep the night before and so I was pretty tired. Melissa and Ben stayed up and apparently got a bit carried away and had sex.” I feel sick and look at him, my face obviously spelling out the total shock that I am feeling because he looks at me with concern. He sighs and says, “I’m sorry Bella. On top of everything else that you have had to deal with, I land that one on you as well.” Shaking my head I say, “Its ok I needed to know, but how did you find out?”
Grimly he says, “I had my suspicions by their behaviour the next day, but I didn’t know for sure until a few days afterwards.” Sighing heavily he continues, “I realised after our weekend together that I couldn’t continue my relationship with Melissa. It wasn’t fair on both of us so I ended it. She didn’t take it well and I suppose wanted to make me jealous. She told me of her fling with Nathan which just confirmed what I had thought.”
I almost can’t take it all in. I can’t believe that all of this was going on and I was oblivious to it all. “But we had a Christmas card from you both.” I say suddenly remembering. He looks surprised. “Well if you did it wasn’t from me. I can only assume she sent it to keep up the pretence, it is perfectly clear that their relationship continued after the weekend.” We get to the lodge and once we are inside I sink down on to the settee. Ben looks at me with a worried expression but I just sit there staring blankly at nothing. My mind is whirring around and the freedom that I felt such a short time ago seems to have abandoned me. I think of all the weeks since; the times that we made love and that Nathan had told me that he loved me. The wedding planning and Christmas. All of it was a lie when all the time he was seeing Melissa.