Rush (Trojan Book 4)

by S. M. West

  He doesn’t call out or stop me, and I’m conflicted about that. I don’t want to end things with him. I love spending time with him and enjoy his daughter, but that’s it.

  Live together. Is he insane?

  The ride to my penthouse is a blur, and through it all, I can barely breathe. A vise squeezes my lungs, tighter and tighter, draining every ounce of air from me.

  Numbly, I stumble up the stairs to my front door, nearly collapsing at the sight of Ross and Whitney, standing as far apart as is possible. Both their backs are to me and his head is hung low. Neither of them have seen me yet.

  This is the thing about relationships. They inevitably change, often ending.

  There was a time when Ross came and went from this building, albeit rare since I haven’t stayed here in a while, without having to be announced. The building doormen had permission to just let him in.

  And stupidly, that was my doing and it was to piss my mother off more than anything else. She was so against CE, and that was another way to stick it to her.

  But look who’s getting the sharp end of the stick now? Me.

  Things have changed drastically. They’re no longer welcome, and I forgot to inform the building staff.

  I don’t have the energy for these two. It’s plain to see they’re waiting for me. If only I could vanish into thin air.

  “No. No. No.” My heedless exasperation causes both to swing around and face me.

  “Pru, are you okay?” He takes a few steps toward me, hands outstretched. “You don’t look so good.”

  I shake my head vehemently, not wanting his touch. His anything. Especially with Whitney’s sharp gaze on us.

  “Leave.” My voice cracks, and I grind my teeth together, just as upset with myself, while I unlock the door.

  “Pru, we won’t take too much of your time. We only wanted to apologize.” Whitney’s tone is filled with remorse, and that’s the only reason I let them in.

  Suddenly, all the fight rushes from me. I’m exhausted. I’ll hear them out and they’ll leave.

  “Go on then.” Even my voice betrays me, flattened and wrecked.

  “I hate this.” He rakes a jagged hand through his hair and Whitney makes an uncharacteristic hiss, shooting daggers at him.

  “Ross told me everything, and I apologize for my behavior. I was hurt and angry and lashed out at you.” Whitney struggles with the words, but there’s sincerity.

  “Thank you. I wish you had talked to me first. I’d never do that.”

  She nods, pressing her lips together. “I should have, and I will make this right. I’ve called everyone that I reached out to in the beginning and set them straight.”

  Ah, that explains the text tonight from Mr. Newman. “I really appreciate that.”

  Maybe this means I could stay in Manhattan. But should I? It would make things harder with Eli here. Could we continue to see each other? No. We want different things.

  “Could we get past this?” Ross finally opens his mouth. Funny how he hasn’t bothered to apologize.

  I roll my eyes, not caring if it’s childish. “No. We’re way past that. I don’t want you in my life. I can’t trust you. Carmichael-Edwards was our company. We built it together.”

  “You could come back if you wanted,” Whitney says. “The board is going to be made aware of what’s happened and will likely make Ross step down.”

  I fold my arms around my middle, getting no satisfaction out of this. We both lose our company and why? Because he’s like so many other people out there who can’t be loyal to their partner—neither in business nor marriage.

  “That may be so, but I’m not going back.” I wasn’t necessarily ready to walk away from CE, but now that it’s behind me, and I got a more than fair package out of it, there’s no appeal to the life I had before.

  “So there’s no hope of us ever being friends?”

  What doesn’t he understand? I shake my head and open the front door. “We’re done here. Whitney, I appreciate you coming here. It couldn’t have been easy, but it makes a difference. And Ross, I hope you get your shit together.”

  Finally alone, I stumble to my bedroom, mind reeling from an overload of emotions, and I’m unable to process anything. My reputation is on the mend, and I’m grateful Whitney is a big enough person to undo the damage she caused. As for Ross, he’s just a shame. All of it.

  I get ready for bed and Eli creeps into my mind again. He was never too far, and now he overshadows everything else. What am I going to do with him?

  He wants more. A serious relationship.

  Tonight was good…no, better than good. It had been amazing like things always are with him, but it was also too much. A little too domesticated. When Henry lay in my lap and fell asleep, my heart nearly burst from my chest.

  Things felt too real, too right, and I didn’t know how to deal. I’m not that kind of person, a mother figure, nor did I want to be. And the way Eli looked at me…with so much hope. He didn’t hide any of what he thought or wanted.

  I can’t be the woman he wants.

  My time with the film is almost over, and maybe we are too. I lied tonight about the second interview with the UN. I do have an interview with them but not for another two weeks.

  What I was reading on my phone was an email from the tech company based in Madrid. My first two interviews, one with Human Resources and then their panel of executives, had gone well.

  I was one of two candidates being considered for the position, and the CEO will be in New York later this week. They want me to meet with him. The email confirmed the time and place for the meeting.

  I couldn’t tell Eli all that. There’s no point unless I get the job.

  Once ready for bed, I crawl under the covers and grab my phone to set the alarm. There’s a text from Eli, and it only adds to everything swirling around in my head. There’s no way I’m sleeping tonight.

  Eli: I’ll give you time and space, but I’m not letting you go. Sweet dreams.

  Work the next day is busy, and it’s like that for the rest of the week. On set, Eli and I only talk for minutes at a time, and it’s mainly work-related.

  Outside of work, we text, and I throw a million excuses at him for why we can’t see each other. Henry is with them, and originally, I’d planned to help as much as possible, but now I’m avoiding Eli and especially being alone with him.

  He knows it.

  I miss him but also need to figure out what’s next between us. And as promised, he doesn’t push me.

  Eli works late one night this week—I overhear Bryce talking to him on set—so I offer to have dinner with Crystal and Henry and take them swimming. I also decide to invite him over on Friday night. Avoidance isn’t the best way to handle things, and we need to talk.

  The night swim with the kids is a lot of fun. As much as I try to find reasons why I’m not good with kids, I’m proven wrong.

  I’m an idiot. The kids are easy to be with, and they like me. I like them. It’s childish and illogical, but I’m afraid to admit that to myself.

  They’re only children, easier to connect with than adults. Why I ever thought I couldn’t be myself around kids, I didn’t know?

  It’s now Friday, my last day on set, and I leave at noon for my interview. There are so many goodbyes, some tears—even Lydia had a few sniffles—and Bryce promises invitations to the wrap party and the private screening.

  He’s insistent I attend the premiere of the film’s release, and Tristan jokes that he’ll be my date. He’s sure to say it loud and within earshot of Eli who scowls. I’m silent, smiling, not sure if I’ll be around or want to go when the time comes. Things are so up in the air.

  My interview with the Spanish start-up goes well, so well that the CEO offers me the job on the spot. Blown away, I ask for some time before I give my decision.

  If I take the position, they’d need me in Madrid in two weeks. I’d be leaving New York. Harley. And Eli. My entire body, most of all my heart, aches at the t
hought of leaving them.

  My move across the globe would be gradual, and I would have more time to wrap things up here. But there’s a symposium in Amsterdam in a little over two weeks, and if I accept the position, they want me to attend as a company representative.

  It’s a great job. A chance to start over.

  In a daze, I hop on the train and take the One home, not even thinking about grabbing a cab or going to Harley’s. She’d been out of town, and we haven’t had a lot of time to talk. She leaves for London soon, and I want to see her before she goes.

  But tonight isn’t the time. Eli is coming over and I need to get my head on straight. I have so much to tell him, and I’m still not sure what I’m doing.

  After a short workout, a shower, and food, I dial Harley with about an hour to spare before Eli gets here. Henry should be down by now, and Eli will be spending time with Crystal before her bedtime.

  “Hey. We should have had dinner tonight.” Harley’s breathless when she answers the phone.

  “That would have been nice, but Eli’s coming over soon.”

  “Are things better with you two?”

  Since I last saw Eli, I texted Harley late into the night and the following day about Eli’s living-together invitation and my abrupt departure. Like a waterfall, I couldn’t contain my emotions and spilled all my fears and doubts.

  Everything. About what Daisy said about marriage, how comfortable Henry was with me, how attached I’m getting to both Eli and Crystal. I also mentioned Ross and our conversation, and we both agreed we’re still better off without him in our lives.

  “We’ll talk tonight.” My stomach is unsettled like it’s filled with nervous snakes. “I have to tell him about Madrid.”

  “Madrid?” Harley’s voice climbs an octave higher. “What are you talking about?”

  “Shit.” My brain is scrambled. “Sorry, I have to tell you too.”

  “Go on. Is this about the company you interviewed with?”

  I nod even though she can’t see me. “Yes. I met the CEO today, and he offered me the job.”

  “Oh my God, no!” Harley holds nothing back. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that. It’s great news, but you’ll be leaving me.”

  “I’m not sure what I’m doing yet. I have three days to decide.”

  “What about the UN?”

  “I’ve got another interview in a couple of weeks, but I don’t want to work there.”

  Until now, uttering the words, I was still on the fence. But it’s true. The United Nations position isn’t for me.

  “Oh. And what about Eli?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What do you mean, you don’t know? You’re hung up on the guy, and it sounds mutual.”

  “I wouldn’t say that.”

  “Please, girl, don’t give me that. Pru, can you at least admit your feelings?”

  Suddenly my survival depends on ending this call like a drowning man gasping for air. “Harley, I…this isn’t me. I don’t get hung up on men.”

  Her laugh is more a cackle, and despite not being in the same room, she’s enjoying this far too much. “Are you sure that’s all it is and not something more?”

  “What are you saying?” Why even ask the question? I know exactly what she’s getting at, and this conversation is over.

  “Don’t play dumb with me and don’t run from this.”

  “Why do you say that? I’m not running.” There’s a knock at the door, and I spring to my feet. “Eli’s here.”

  My heart rate kicks into overdrive, and suddenly my hands are clammy.

  “Okay, I’ll let you go. But Pru, you know what I’m saying. You love him.”

  My stomach knots. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  It isn’t Eli at the door, but a package from the company in Spain. It’s an offer letter with everything spelled out as discussed. It’s official. The clock’s ticking, and I have to make up my mind in three days.

  As the minutes tick by without Eli, my anxiety grows, and the wait is long and filled with doubt.

  I check my phone numerous times, but there are no texts with an explanation for why he isn’t here.

  By eleven o’clock, I’m sick with dread, my worries suddenly seeming more concrete than foolish. I sent a few texts and even a voice message with no answer to any of them.

  I hope nothing is wrong. Did he change his mind and can’t be bothered with my kind of crazy? Even if he did, Eli would call me. Wouldn’t he?

  The waiting is reminiscent of all those times in my life when my mother was supposed to show up but never did. And no matter how many times I went through the long and painful waiting game, it was always the same. She wouldn’t show, and the next time we talked, she didn’t want to talk about it. Even if I was crying, demanding answers and a reason why it was okay for her to abandon me, toy with my emotions, and let me down.

  I can’t do that again.

  Harley’s right. I love Eli. I love Crystal and all his friends and their families. But love is just chemistry and biology. Hormones. It isn’t forever and it’s fickle. With time and distance it fades. Disappears. I can do that.

  I can’t wait for those I love to disappoint me like my mother and Ross.

  To let me down or worse, let me go.

  I’ve been there before.

  If Eli were to…I can’t go there. No. I won’t go there. Not ever again.

  30

  Eli

  Never going to be more

  What a night. It’s well beyond two in the morning on Saturday when I finally make it to Pru’s. Here I am, over five hours late and exhausted from tonight’s disaster, knocking on her door.

  After dinner, my daughter and I went through our nighttime ritual of getting ready for bed and reading for a bit before lights out. I’d said goodnight and was steps from the door, on my way to see Pru, when Crystal ran from her room, crying.

  “Daddy, I don’t feel—” And then it happened. Orange vomit all over the carpet.

  The poor girl sank to her knees and sobbed. Every thought vanished about where I was headed, why I had to talk to Pru tonight. My daughter was all I could think about.

  Between Janet and me, we tended to Crystal while the other tackled the carpet and mess as best we could. It’ll have to be professionally cleaned. This went long into the early hours of the morning.

  Crystal must have a bug or something. She was sick several times more before she finally conked. Henry’s still with us, and fortunately, he slept through the pukefest. Gray and Daisy arrive later today, when the sun is actually up, and the three of them leave on Monday.

  Janet’s with my daughter now, whereas normally I would be, but after things settled down, where I was going came back to me.

  Pru.

  We were going to talk after a week of barely any communication. The waiting this past week was horrible. Despite how good it was to have Henry with us and how busy work was, my head was all over the place with Pru at a distance.

  She avoided me as best she could. I wasn’t surprised, but disappointed. I gave her time and space like I said I would and would have stayed away longer if needed. No matter how much I hate this.

  When she texted to see me tonight, nothing and no one would stop me from going over there. Not even a little puke. Okay, maybe a lot of puke delayed me, but I can’t wait another night to see and talk to her.

  While I was taking care of Crystal, Pru had called and texted. Once my daughter was settled, I called to explain what happened and she was more than understanding. She seemed eager to see me too, readily agreeing to this middle of the night visit.

  Is that a good thing? Does she feel it too? The aching hollowness to be near each other, to talk and hold each other?

  “Eli, come in.” She opens the door in an oversized sweatshirt, and her long lean legs, kissed by the sun, tease me.

  “Hey.” Everything inside me lights up at the sight of her.

  She steps back, looking me over with concern. “Are you
okay? You look wiped out.”

  “I feel like shit.” I chuckle and rake a hand through my mussed hair with strands sticking up in all directions. “But I needed to see you. Thanks for this.”

  I pull her into my arms without asking permission, and at first, she’s rigid in my embrace, arms stiff at her sides, and yet with every one of my breaths and every one of hers, slowly her muscles loosen, and she slides her arms around my waist.

  She gives way to me, body against body. I needed this. Being this close to her relaxes me, and with exhalation, the night’s tension disappears.

  We stand like that for I don’t know how long, but it’s not long enough. She pulls away and walks into her place.

  “Thanks for seeing me at this crazy hour.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own, at least not how it should with Pru. I’m simply polite and reserved.

  What the hell am I doing? Maybe I am too tired to do this? Should I wait until morning? I might not get a second chance.

  “Yes, it’s fine. How’s Crystal?”

  “Sleeping. Hopefully this is it for tonight. There were hours of fifteen-minute intervals between throwing up.”

  She wrinkles her nose. “Aw, that’s the worst. And Henry? How’s he?”

  “The trooper slept through it all. Thank goodness. I took Crystal into my room so as not to wake him.”

  “What do you think it is?”

  “A bug or maybe something she ate.” I shrug. “We had take-out tonight, and she was the only one to have the spaghetti.” Just the thought of the mess makes me shudder.

  “Oh, I hope she feels better soon.” She sits on the couch.

  Nodding, I force my grim smile into something more upbeat and take a seat in the armchair closest to her. “Yeah, me too.”

  “Eli, I know this past week, I’ve been—”

  “Avoiding me.”

  Her head snaps up, eyes locking with mine, and she nods, not offering any words.

  “I said I’d give you what you needed. I’d hoped that didn’t mean shutting me out.”

  “I wasn’t…yes, I pulled away. I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t the most mature way to deal with things.”