Miss Fortune

by AJ Stern

  “Pay close attention, just in case you ever have to take over my business.”

  They sat down just as Elliott brought over my first customer. It was an older boy I had seen but didn’t know. Elliott knew him because they were both in the music recital.

  “This is Ben. You will now tell him his fortune,” Elliott said and then stood behind me to watch everything.

  “Hello, Ben,” I said. “I will now start your official reading.”

  “Okay,” he said.

  “Would you like your palm read, your cards told, or to hear about your future from the inside of this crystal ball?” I asked him.

  “Palm,” he said, and stuck his arm out at me.

  This made me a little bit upset because I really wanted to use the crystal ball.

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “What about the crystal ball?”

  “What crystal ball?” he asked.

  “This one,” I said, pointing to the bowling ball.

  “That’s not a crystal ball. That’s a bowling ball,” he told me.

  I did not appreciate that at all.

  Ben stuck his hand out. “Palm,” he said.

  I was not actually certain that I liked my first customer very much, and that is not an opinion.

  If Ben could not see that the bowling ball was actually a crystal ball when it was on the fortune-telling table, he obviously did not have a very good imagination. And if he didn’t have a good imagination, he was probably very boring, indeed.

  I looked at Ben’s very boring hand. I couldn’t remember the names for all the lines. I realized that even if I did, I didn’t know which line was which.

  I held Ben’s palm and looked at it very carefully. Then I lifted my head.

  “What is your question?” I asked.

  “I don’t have a question. I just want to know about my life,” he said. I looked back at his palm.

  “It’s very boring,” I told him.

  “Boring?” he asked, offendified.

  “Yes. You don’t have too much imagination. If you get more imagination, you will have a better life.”

  “How do I do that?” he asked.

  I looked back down. “Be more interesting.”

  “Can you tell me anything else about my life?” he wanted to know.

  I looked at all the runny lines. “You are going to get married and have six kids and make over one hundred dollars a month.”

  Ben looked very impresstified with his life.

  “You don’t have a health line, which is a good thing. It means you will never get sick.”

  “Thank you!” Ben said, extremely happified by his reading. “You are a really good fortune-teller,” he said.

  “Thank you very much,” I said, and then I leaned over and pulled a fortune cookie out of the bag. I stood up and he stood up, and when I handed the cookie to him, I said, “This concludes our reading.”

  He took the fortune cookie and walked away very pleased with my natural ability.

  Millicent brought me a girl who wanted her cards read. Her name was Valerie. While she was shuffling the cards, a few kids walked over to see what was going on. Elliott shushed them because he knew I needed my concentration in order to tell a really good fortune.

  “Please think of your question,” I said.

  “I have not been doing well in math class,” she said. “Will I get better at it?”

  “That is a very excellent question,” I said. “Please put the cards down.”

  Valerie’s face was mashed up tight, and she was staring very hard at the cards. I picked up the top card and turned it over. It was the Queen of Spectacles. Then I turned over another card: the King of the Sun. I looked up at the girl. She looked up at me, and she looked very worried and smashed up her face even tighter.

  “You are having trouble seeing the blackboard,” I told her. This made perfect sense because of how squeezed up she was making her face.

  “No,” she answered. “I see it just fine.”

  “Apparently and nevertheless you do not see it fine. This card is the card about glasses, and it means that you need them because you can’t see well. That is why you are doing badly in math. This card means if you look right at the sun you might go blind. So don’t look at the sun. Please turn over another card.”

  Valerie turned over another. It was the King of Fours.

  “Yes, you need glasses. This is a four, and it means you need four eyes in order to see well. You have only two eyes. Tell your parents you need glasses immediately. Until then, do not raise your hand in any classes. You are not seeing the board right. The words that are written are different words than what you see. If you participate in class, you will be embarrassed. You have broken eyeballs, and they need to be fixed,” I told her. “You might as well just sit in the back row.” More people had gathered around.

  “Now that you mention it, sometimes things do seem a little blurry,” she told me.

  “Probably more things than you realize. This is a very serious problem, and you will not do well in school until it has been corrected,” I said. “Do not take any tests or write anything down. You will get everything wrong until you get glasses.” Then I reached into my bag, pulled out a fortune cookie, and stood. “This concludes our reading.”

  When I looked up, I saw that there were kids standing around me. That was when people started yelling, “Me next! Me next!”

  Millicent brought over her friend Katy. Katy chose the cards, too. She didn’t get the Queen of Spectacles, but she did get the Prince of Trouble. I told her she better not say another word the entire day. That was the only way to stay out of trouble. If she talked, she’d definitely be punished.

  Elizabeth chose a boy in Elliott’s music class. His name was Eric, and I did not like him very much because he was a big show-off. He told Elliott that he was better at clarinet, and that is not a scientific fact. Besides, he doesn’t even play clarinet. He plays trumpet.

  Eric chose the crystal ball.

  “Please ask me a question, and I will look inside to your future and tell you your answer.”

  “Will I get a standing ovation tomorrow at the concert?” he asked.

  “You mean will everyone get a standing ovation?” I asked him, since it was a group playing, not just Eric.

  “No, I mean just me. Out of everyone in the brass section, I play the best, so I am the one people should stand and ovate for.”

  I put my hands on the bowling ball, and everyone was chattering to see what I’d say. The chattering was making it hard to concentrate, so I turned toward the crowd.

  “Please be quiet. I am trying to fortune-tell,” I told everyone. They all went quiet right away.

  I put my hands back on the bowling ball and looked inside of it. There was nothing actually that I could see, but I could see how much I did not like Eric’s question. It was very unsharing of him.

  “Something is going to happen tomorrow night in the brass section,” I began.

  “What do you mean?” Eric asked me, leaning forward.

  “Shhhhh…,” I said, shutting my eyes. In my imagination, I taught him a lesson. I saw exactly what I hoped would happen, even though I knew it couldn’t.

  “When you blow into your trumpet, no sound will come out of it. In fact, no one in the brass section’s instruments will work. Only the woodwind instruments will work,” I told him. Elliott was in the woodwind section.

  “Really? What should we do about that?”

  “There is nothing you can do,” I told him.

  “Should we take our instruments apart and see if we can fix them before that happens?”

  “I suppose, but that will not help.”

  “The whole brass section, you say?” Eric asked.

  “The whole brass section,” I said, feeling very powerful indeed. When I turned to look, there was an actual real-life crowd of people waiting to get their fortunes told. This was the best business I’d ever run!

  After a few more fortunes, I
was getting a bit tired and also hungry. I hadn’t even eaten lunch yet, so I was also just a little cranky when Solomon sat down. Solomon was very slobby. He never cleaned up after himself, and he always left his lunch tray on the table instead of clearing it. He wanted his palm read.

  “What is your question?”

  “Will I have to do chores for the rest of my life?” he asked. When I looked at his palm, it was very dirty. All the lines were filled up with dirt.

  “Your hands are very dirty. This means that you always make a big mess,” I told him.

  “I DO always make a big mess! Wow, you are really good at this.”

  I looked back down at his palm again. I was very hungry and was not in the mood for more fortunes. I knew that Solomon was never going to be a clean person, no matter what. That is why I told him what I did.

  “Because it is so dirty, that means you will never have to clean up again, ever. You can stop doing it right now because no matter what, you will never be clean. You don’t even have to take a bath or a shower ever again because your lines are telling me that your whole life is going to be dirty.”

  Solomon was so happy about this news, he almost hugged me, but he did not.

  Everyone was so happy with all my fortunes, I knew that nothing could go wrong.

  Then I handed Solomon a fortune cookie and said, “This concludes our reading.”

  Then Millicent, Elliott, Elizabeth, and I ate our lunches faster than anyone in the entire world. The bell rang when we were still eating, so we decided to leave my office there and come back later to clean it up.

  When we were rushing to our classroom, some older kids waved, and one of them called out to me, “Hey, Frannie—am I going to get a good grade on my geography test?”

  I could not believe older kids knew my name and also were asking me for their fortunes!

  “Yes. You will get a very high grade, indeed and nevertheless,” I called out.

  I was so impresstified with myself. I really didn’t know I’d be so good at this, but I really was. I was almost geniusal. So geniusal I thought that I should keep my business open all week. The rest of the day was smooth sailing.

  When I got home, I decided to make even more cards. I didn’t want to use up the exact same fortunes on everyone. The new ones I made were so fantastical, I could hardly wait to use them on people tomorrow.

  While I was doing my homework at home that evening, the phone started to ring itself right off its neck.

  “Frannie, it’s for you. Someone named Solomon.”

  I picked up the kitchen phone. “Hi, Solomon.”

  “Frankly, I don’t like the fortune you gave me,” he said.

  This was very shocktifying. Solomon had been so happy with his reading. He said that I was right about him being messy.

  “Why not?” I asked.

  “My father says I have to take a bath no matter what. He said no ifs, ands, or buts. You said I never had to bathe again, but I do!”

  This was a bit stumpifying. I did not know why something like this would happen when we both agreed about what right a fortune I gave him. That is why I told Solomon to pretend to take a bath.

  “Go into the bathroom, turn on the water, and read a book until enough bath time has passed.”

  “Good idea. Thanks, Frannie.”

  When I hung up, the phone rang again and my mom called out, “It’s Katy, Frannie!”

  “Can I speak now?”

  “You haven’t been speaking all this time?” I asked a little surprisified.

  “No, you told me not to.”

  I liked being the fortune-teller for the school. I did not want the fortunes to come to an end. That is why I told Katy she should keep on not speaking.

  “If you do talk, you will get into trouble,” I explained.

  “What about tomorrow?” she asked.

  “You have to stop talking until the fortune wears off.”

  “Well, when’s that?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll just feel it in my guts, and then I’ll let you know.”

  “All right, but it’s almost dinnertime, and my parents like to hear about my day.”

  “Just nod your head, but do not speak. No matter what!” Then I hung up the phone on her because I didn’t want her to speak anymore. Not even to say good-bye.

  As I headed to the kitchen for dinner, the phone rang one more time. My mom answered it and told me it was Valerie.

  I couldn’t believe how many kids from school were calling me about their fortunes. I was getting very exasperated.

  “Hello?” I asked with just a smidge of annoyance.

  “Frankly?”

  “Yes?”

  “This is Valerie.”

  “Hi, Valerie.”

  “Mr. Leonard said we are going to have a quiz tomorrow. What should I do? I have to take it.”

  “Do not take that test, Valerie,” I told her. “You got the Queen of Spectacles. The cards do not lie. Your eye sockets are broken, and you will fail the pop quiz if you take it. I repeat, do not take that test.”

  “So what do I do?”

  “Go to the nurse and say you don’t feel well.”

  “That’s really smart. Thanks, Frankly!”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Finally the phone stopped ringing, and it was dinnertime. That was when my mom told my dad that the phone had been ringing its neck off, and our house felt like a regular office center. That was music to my ears. I was filled to the absolute toppest part of my head with the feeling of being a boss. It was one of the best feelings I’d ever had in my worldwide life.

  The next day before lunch, Elliott took me aside and told me he was feeling very nervous about the concert. He asked if I could tell him his fortune really quickly. He wanted his palm read. I looked at Elliott’s palm, and it looked very good, indeed.

  “Elliott, you are going to have the best life,” I told him.

  “I am?” he asked.

  “Yes. You are going to be a very famous musician, and tonight when you play, everyone in the audience is going to clap the very hardest for you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, that is what I see, and my eye sockets do not lie.”

  “So I won’t mess up?”

  “Not even a centimeter. You will be the best clarinet player there.”

  Elliott was very happy about this news and walked away with the hugest smile on his face.

  I had a lot of new customers, so it was very psychic of me to have made more cards. I was also very glad no one said anything to me about wearing the same red outfit two days in a row.

  Evan wanted me to use the cards to tell him if his father was going to take him to Florida for spring break. Last year, Evan was a big secret spreader, and that was something I did not appreciate about him. I don’t know if he ever learned his lesson, but I do know that some kids STILL don’t talk to him. That’s how much he told other people’s secrets. If there is one thing I know, it’s that secrets are to be kept and not spread!

  When he turned the first card over, I knew that I had something very important to tell him.

  “Evan, you got the Friend card.”

  “What does that mean?” he asked. “Am I going to Florida?”

  “This is not about Florida. This is about something else. Something much bigger,” I told him.

  “What?”

  “One of your friends is telling a secret about you.”

  “But I don’t have any secrets.”

  “Well, then it is a rumor. Someone is spreading a rumor about you.”

  “My friends wouldn’t do that to me.”

  “This card is the Friend card, and that is what it means. You cannot argue with the cards. They do not lie. I am telling you for a scientific fact that your friends are all telling secrets or lies about you.”

  “All of them? I thought you said just one,” Evan said.

  I couldn’t remember what I said, but it didn’t matter, really. The news was bad n
o matter how many friends were telling secrets.

  “It is all of them. You better find out who it is and get them to stop. Otherwise, you don’t want to be friends with them anymore. This concludes our reading,” I told him, giving him a fortune cookie.

  Evan did not look very happy when he walked away. I felt bad about that, but I was just doing my job.

  Paige got the card of Sickness so I told her that she better watch out for symptoms.

  “What kind of symptoms?” she asked, worrified.

  “It can be anything,” I told her. “Just pay very close attention to your body today. If you get pins and needles, you should go to the nurse. If you feel any stomach pain, go to the nurse.”

  “I don’t feel any of those things now,” she said.

  “Maybe not now,” I told her. “But you will soon.”

  “Are there other symptoms I need to watch out for?” she asked, bringing her hand to her neck. “Sore throat? Headache?” she asked.

  “Maybe, but make sure no hairs fall out of your head. This is very bad news. Also, if you get a ringing in your ear, you should go to the nurse. If you get dizzy or feel your legs growing really tall, go to the nurse. This concludes our reading,” I told her.

  Paige walked away very lightly and slowly, just so she wouldn’t get sick. I had time for one more person before I had to eat my own lunch.

  Elizabeth wanted her fortune told so I made her the very last person. You will not even believe your ears about this. Elizabeth got the exact same card as Paige. I told her all the very same things. Elizabeth did not look very well when we were done. I told her that it was already happening. I could see the sickness on her face.

  During class with Mrs. Pellington, Elizabeth raised her hand and told Mrs. P. she didn’t feel well. Mrs. P. sent her down to the nurse. I was very glad that Elizabeth was taking her fortune seriously.

  After class, I saw Paige holding her stomach, and then she put her hand on her head to check for a fever. She probably wasn’t a very good fever checker because she asked another kid to check, too, and when he did, he shrugged like he didn’t know.