Searching For Who I Am: Book 1 (The Searching Trilogy)

by Paige Orr

  I try to wipe the tears from my cheeks but it's fucking hopeless as more just seem to follow. I decide to just leave them, taking a deep fortifying breath before answering my insincere dismissal. I answer him with my voice wavering in false bravery. “I-I understand sir, I-I'll go do that now. I-It was a p-pleasure working for y-you.” I stand, rushing from his office and have my desk cleared out in record time. With that done, I head down to the lobby and hand in my security pass on my way out the doors. I can't believe this is happening, what the fuck am I going to do?

  I step onto the busy sidewalk and low and behold it's still fucking raining. Ugh, this really isn't my fucking day! I walk away with my head down to hide my tears in the downpour. I don't know how to tell Justin or how long it'll be until I find a new job. All I do know is he’s not going to take this well. He always makes sure I understand that he carries both of us financially because his job pays better. So this is just going to give him more leverage to use against me. I'll have to do something nice to make breaking this to him easier on us both. I really don’t think I could handle the arguing today.

  I know! I'll cook Justin's favorite meal for dinner. He's supposed to finish work at four o'clock so I can break the news to him then. That gives me five hours to get a bath, heat up, tidy the apartment (I may as well do it now that I'm not working) and cook the Spaghetti Bolognese with garlic bread for Justin. Making up my mind on what to do, I can't wait to get home and for him to finish work.

  I stop by for another mocha to try and stay warm for my walk. As I sit in the coffee shop gazing at the people walking past. I wonder if any of their days are going as badly as mine. I just sit there going over everything that's wrong with me. There seems to be a long ass list, if everything that happens to me is anything to go by. Just once I wish I wasn’t such a colossal fuck up.

  Finally I finish my coffee and decide it’s best if I call for an appointment with my therapist. Luckily she has a free appointment in a few days time. At least she'll know what to tell me. I feel a lot lighter as I leave the coffee shop and begin my trek home.

  Lilith

  I walk up the stairs of our apartment building unable to feel my fingers or my toes. Today really has been the fucking worst day ever. I pull my keys out and place them in the lock before noticing that the door is already open. That's really fucking strange, I’m sure I locked it this morning. I turn the handle, walking in as quietly as I can. I reach over, taking Justin's golf umbrella from the stand (I wish I had remembered to grab mine this morning) and hold it up like a bat.

  There's no way I'm letting a robber catch me off guard on top of my day from hell. I scan around the apartment not finding anything out of the ordinary in the living room or the kitchen. As I'm walking towards the bedroom though I hear a woman giggling, stopping me in my tracks as I feel my heart dropping to my stomach. Who the fuck is in my bedroom?

  I walk through my bedroom door and freeze. There on our fucking bed is Justin, with his head buried between some skanks thighs. Fuck sake, I can’t even remember the last time he went down on me. Yet here he's with some fucking barbie looking bitch doing just that.

  I'm so goddamn angry that a livid screech escapes me. “Justin what the fuck are you doing!” He looks up at me in shock, finally noticing my presence. Before springing out of the bed grabbing his shirt to wrap around his waist. “Listen, babe. I can explain.”

  “Oh really! You can explain why you’re in our bed with some fucking whore! What's your excuse!? She tripped, fell and landed on your face!?” He tries to take a step towards me but seeing the growl on my face and the umbrella raised in the air he decides he's safer staying away. It looks like the fucking idiot hasn’t lost all of his brain cells then. “Babe please, I never meant to hurt you! I swear I was going to tell you but I've been so busy.”

  “Too busy to tell your fucking fiancè you're sleeping with someone else!? Yeah that makes complete fucking sense, do you think I’m a fucking idiot because let me tell you arsehole I’m far from it!” He sneers at me as he begins to laugh hysterically finally showing his true fucking colors. How could I be so fucking stupid to think that he could care about anyone apart from himself? “Oh for fuck sake, yeah! I've been trying to find a way to end it for months. I can't do this anymore you’re too fucked up and I just can't fucking fix you. I thought you would be fun maybe even a little bit kinky seeing how you enjoy pain so much but really you were nothing but a big fat disappointment!” He rolls his eyes and looks me up and down with disgust in his eyes. Is this dude for fucking real right now? I've basically been his maid. Running around behind his filthy ass. Yet he decides now that the best course of action is to treat me like fucking dirt, what a fucking waste of oxygen.

  “I'm sick of even trying, it's a waste of fucking time. It's not my fault you're so fucking pathetic and broken. It’s no wonder your mother fucking hated you, who could love a fuck up like you! So why don't you just leave. I really don't have the time for this bullshit! As you can see, I'm kind of busy.”

  I stare at him in revulsion before grabbing my duffel bag filling it with some of my clothes, toiletries, and makeup. I can't believe I've wasted five fucking years on this arsehole. When I'm done I turn, growling at them both back in my fucking bed. The woman is looking at me with a smug expression but I just roll my eyes. Bitch please he fucks like a fish out of water. Just puts his dick in then flops about. If that’s what gets you off then it’s my pleasure to pass the fucking burden to you. I turn, facing Justin with a menacing growl.

  “I'll be back later to get the rest of my stuff, you ain't even worth the fucking fight you pathetic piece of shit!” Turning away with one last contemptuous smile. I toss the umbrella at them with it smacking blondie in her all too perfect nose. I walk out of my bedroom with a cackle heading straight out the apartment and leaving the building without a backwards glance.

  I start to walk not really caring where I end up. It's not like I have anywhere else I could go anyway. What a fucking twenty-first birthday, first I get fired and then finding out that my Fiancé is cheating on me. Goddammit why me, haven’t I had enough fucking bullshit happen to me without all of this as well? I try to treat everyone with respect and instead of returning the favor they see it as a sign of weakness, walking all over me. Well that’s the last time I show anyone kindness, it’s a fucking waste of time.

  I finally pull to a stop, turning my face up. Realizing that I’m standing in front of mine and my best friend Gemma's favorite drinking hole, The Hot Toddy. It’s run by an old Scottish couple who always guarantee a peaceful time which I sure as fuck need right now. Nobody dares to step out of line when David, the owner, is one of the hardest men around. He has that whole ‘Don’t fuck with me or I'll fuck you up’ appearance about him which is perfect for the murderous mood I’m in right now.

  I walk inside, heading to my usual spot at the bar and throwing my duffel on the floor. I collapse on to the barstool, putting my head in my hands. David walks over to me and just stands there observing me with a funny expression on his face. “Wit's wrong wa' ye then lass, lookin like a drooned rat n' ye have the worst scowl ave' e'er seen.” I sigh looking at him like ‘Are you shitting me right now dude’ and he just shrugs his shoulders, quirking his eyebrow waiting for my answer. “It's just been one of those days Dave. Could I get a glass of something strong, please.”

  “Sure ye cin lass, al le'e ye the bottle ye seems like ye need it.” I give him a tentative smile as he places a bottle of my favorite scotch in front of me before leaving me to my misery. I thank him, pulling my phone from my pocket. There’s only one person who could listen to the shit I need to get off my chest right now so I text Gemma and watch my screen like a hawk for her reply.

  She texts me back straight away telling me she'll be here shortly so I decide to drown my sorrows until she finally arrives. When she arrives, she throws herself onto the stool beside me looking at me like I’ve lost my fucking mind. After today I’m pretty damn sure that she’s s
pot on. I flag Dave down for another glass before downing the rest of mine feeling the burn of the alcohol coursing through my veins.

  When he places the glass in front of me I fill it almost to the brim sliding it across the bar top to Gem’s waiting hand (I've called her that since we were kids because she's always been my rare little Gem. Who always shines a light on me even on the darkest of days).

  “Oh lordy, chica you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backward and your text sounded pretty urgent. What's wrong gorgeous?” As I look at her, I break down in tears although it soon dissolves into a fit of uncontrollable laughter at her freaked out expression. She's never been good with people showing so much emotion and I could kiss her right now for making me laugh. I try my best to speak through my gasping breaths. “God your face... Is priceless... But yeah. I've had... The worst day ever!”

  I finally get myself under control, topping up our glasses while I tell her about my fucking shit show of a day. By the time I've told her everything, I'm well and truly drunk as a skunk and Gem is starting to catch up with me. I finish my spiel, staggering to my feet and telling her that I have to go to the pisser before heading to the back of the bar.

  When I come out of the toilet, I stumble into the corridor, leading back to the bar and a large shadow pops up in front of me. As I stumble back gazing up at the behemoth of a man standing in my way. I scowl at the deranged look in his eyes. It’s some drunk corporate guy that I've never seen around here before. I noticed him and his friends when they came in earlier because it's so unusual to see new people at The Hot Toddy but I thought nothing of it. They didn't seem like bad guys, yet the way he's looking at me now screams creep.

  “I'm sorry, I didn't see you there. Could I squeeze past, please?” I try to be as polite as possible. Knowing that starting a fight with this guy wouldn't end well for me but he just peers down at me with a horrendous smirk and begins backing me into the wall. “Aw, are you leaving so soon doll-face? Here I was thinking you were going to be fun.” With a salacious grin he pushes me into the wall, pinning my arms above my head and trapping me between his body and the hard surface.

  “Please, just let me go. I really don't need this shit today.” Laughing at me he lets one of my hands go to grope me and I fucking lose it. What is it with men thinking that they can fucking walk all over me? I'm so goddamn sick of it! A red haze covers my sight as I begin to growl like a wild animal.

  “Get. Your. Fucking. Hands. Off. Me. Now. ” I shock myself at how menacing I sound yet he completely ignores me. I snap gathering all my strength and pushing the bastard as hard as I can. I’m expecting him to wobble back enough for me to duck past and run but it's like something takes control of me.

  Stunned, I watch as he flys backward into the wall knocking him unconscious. I just stand there frozen as his body slumps to the floor on the opposite side of the hall from where I'm leaning against the wall and I begin to freak the fuck out. Shit. Shit. Shit. What the actual fuck just happened? Shaking my head I rush from the corridor in a daze making my way to Gem and grabbing her arm in a crushing grip. She winces at my death grip so I loosen my hold before asking her “Hey, could I crash at your place till I sort something out?” I quickly turn back making sure that the creep isn't making his way back to the front of the bar before tuning back in to what she's saying. “Sure you know I love having you over, you’re welcome anytime sister.” She peers at me with worry lining her eyes and I try to school my features. So she can't see quite how panicked I truly am. “Are you okay, you’re paler than usual and that's saying something chic.”

  I try to laugh it off while shrugging but the noise comes out strangled. Plus, I probably seem like I'm having a fucking stroke. “Yeah, I'm fine! Just feeling a bit out of it. You know, hella stressful day and all that. Could we go back to yours now, pretty please?"

  She gives me one last look before laughing at me while rolling her eyes. I check around one last time feeling like I'm in a bad cop movie, about to be picked out of a line up. We needed to hurry! He has to have come around by now.

  “God woman, why do you drink so much if you can't handle it? Sure let's go, we can hail a cab just don't throw up in it. I ain’t paying for clean up, again.” I just laugh, going along with what she thinks is wrong. If she knew what had really happened, she would be fucking pissed. I grab my duffel bag as Gem leads me out of the bar and flags down a cab. We both fall into the back seat and I slouch down trying to make myself as small as possible.

  At the end of the street, I look back. The guy is outside now and he seems fucking pissed, he's also holding his head. Which I just manage to make out has blood running down it. Shit, we got away just in time.

  I put my head against the window, closing my eyes, enjoying the coolness against my feverish skin. I say to myself, 'it'll only be for a few minutes' but that's the last thing I remember.

  Taehyung

  The darkness surrounds me as I dream and as usual it’s my own memories tormenting me. Making me relive the things that haunt me the most as if it wasn’t hard enough to live through them the first time.

  I hear the claws, grating along the wall getting closer to where I stand protecting the ones I love. Always scraping getting closer and closer. I know what is about to happen, but I’m powerless to stop it. As I always am and that’s what makes this memory the most painful one to witness. Just as I feel the claws reaching for me, I endure the worst burning pain ripping my body apart.

  I shoot up in bed, feeling the cold sweat running down my back I shakily reach up pushing my damp hair from my face. What the fuck was that shit? I've been through a lot of painful experiences but I've never felt an all-consuming pain like that, something niggles at the back of my mind telling me that I know exactly what it was but I can't seem to grasp it within my sleep-addled brain.

  Just as I'm starting to get my breathing under control, my brothers come charging into the room looking just as scared as I feel. Now when I say brothers, we aren't related by blood but these guys have always had my back. Which is more than I can say about my own family.

  I'm the oldest of us and the leader of our team. My second in command is Samuel, or Sam for short. He's the second youngest of our team and is almost as tall as I am. He has a lean build, but don't let that fool you because he's pure muscle and his hair is the most adorable wavy brown that is cropped at the sides to try and tame it.

  The biggest thing that stands out with Sam though, is his eyes. I've always said he has the most animated big doe eyes I've ever seen, they're the color of honey with a black band surrounding them. If that isn't enough his glasses only magnify them. Sam is the shyest out of us and prefers to keep to himself. So when he does open up to you, you know he trusts you.

  Third in command is Demetrius who is the second oldest of our team, although he doesn't answer to anything apart from D. Now D is one of those guys that when you first see him, you hope you never get caught down a dark alley with him. He’s built like the side of a brick shit house. I'm not even exaggerating. Even though he looks like a beast, he's really a big softy if he ever decides to let you get close enough to see that side of him.

  He isn't the tallest yet he still towers over most humans. With his amazingly deep chestnut hair that is unbelievably curly and styled with a short back and sides. Though he never takes the time to actually style the damn mop left on top of his head. He has a large deep set of eyes that are a piercing emerald green rimmed in black that I swear are a built-in lie detector. There have been some really awkward moments because of him being able to see a lie from a mile away.

  Last but not least we have the youngest of our team, Gale. Now Gale is one of those guys that is always on top of the latest fashion trends, and always dresses to impress. He’s the shortest of the team and has a very athletic build. With his naturally straight blonde hair styled to within an inch of its life. I swear he takes half the day making himself pretty. His eyes are the color of the ocean and appear luminous in certain
light. That’s probably why he’s never short on lady friends.

  I suppose we seem like just average guys but really we're the Knights of Lust to the demon Prince, Asmodeus (well we were until he got himself killed. Now we have to find his daughter and protect her). Not only that but we were close friends to Asmo himself. When I say close what I mean is, he basically raised us. Before he died, we were always together and he was the closest thing I ever had to a father.

  Sighing, I realize I need to address what's going on with the guys before they lose their shit. Now that my mind is a bit clearer and I actually have an answer for them.

  “Alright guys I'm guessing by you all charging into my room without permission, that we all were woken by the same pain.” As I peer from one brother to another they all nod to me. Rubbing my hands down my face I break all eye contact. “Right, this is what we're going to do; you guys will go downstairs to the study. I'm going to freshen up and meet you all down there, then we can discuss this.”

  They all file out of my room and I just take a moment to breathe. There hasn't been a mating call in over a century so why did it have to be my team? Sighing again I get up walking into my bathroom and splashing my face with cold water. I can't lose control now, we are all going to have to work together to find her. Having a mate is one of the most important things that can happen to a demon in their lifetime.

  Yet we must also begin our new duty in two days’ time. Let's just hope Asmo's daughter isn't going to be too much hard work, we haven't guarded a female in a long fucking time. Well, that's probably because female demons are a lot more rare than males and the last one who survived their awakening was over fifty years ago.