Searching For Who I Am: Book 1 (The Searching Trilogy)

by Paige Orr

  It's like I'm a bystander in my own body as I look on in horror, watching as everything in the room begins to tremble and Lucien stands there with fear in his eyes. I don’t really understand what the hell is going on but as the panic begins to take over it just seems to make the situation worse.

  “Please Lilith sit down, I can explain everything if you give me the chance.” He comes around the desk taking my hands and stroking them in a reassuring way. Starting to feel numb, I slowly sink back down onto the seat. I can feel my whole body shaking and I’m unable to take a full breath. I'm in full panic mode and I can see the worry in Lucien's eyes.

  “I just need you to take some deep breaths, you're going to be okay you just have to calm down. That's it, breathe, nice and slow.” I follow his instructions taking deep cleansing breaths starting to feel calmer. I realize that I've completely blown up when usually I can switch my feelings about my father off but with everything that’s happened over the last few days I feel like I’ve lost complete control of who I am.

  Fuck! I'm so embarrassed. How could I act like that towards a complete stranger? It’s not like Lucien is to blame for my father's actions. I usually never let these things get to me with how much I’m used to these types of situations being thrown at me but I just don’t know how many more surprises I can take.

  Lucien leans towards me stroking my cheek and that's when I notice that I’m crying. God this just keeps getting worse. I'm so ashamed of how I acted that I look down at the ground, too scared to make eye contact and for him to see the hurt and disgust at myself warring inside me. Lucien tilts my chin up with his finger until I'm looking into his eyes and the understanding I find there wrecks me.

  “I get why you're so upset and if I was in your shoes I would probably feel the same. I would understand it if you want to walk out of this office and never look back but if you could let me explain why I called you here in the first place I would really appreciate it. If you still want to walk away after then that's your choice. I'll respect your decision but please let me explain things first.”

  Taking a deep breath I close my eyes. Can I really do this? Do I want to know why my father had a lawyer contact me? Can I really deal with being thrown away again?

  Making up my mind I turn to Lucien with resolve shining from my eyes. “Okay I’ll listen but I can't promise you anything. I apologize for losing my temper with you but my father is a really sore subject to touch on!”

  “That's alright, you don't have to apologize. Would you like a glass of water or coffee before we start to dive in?”

  “Yes please, coffee with creamer and two sugars.” As I watch him walk out of his office I realize that I really need to listen to him. It's always been a mystery to me why my father left and never came back, I've always blamed myself and so has my mother. She made my life a living fucking hell because of him.

  This is something that I need to hear, the shit I’ve been through because of him is something that has stayed with me for as long as I can remember. How could I forget after all the pain he has caused me? I can hear Lucien returning so I take a deep breath getting myself ready. I need to know the truth, I need to know why I wasn’t good enough for him.

  Demetrius

  I punch the bag over and over again not knowing what else to do to relieve my stress. I can't believe it! We have a mate! Why did she have to begin awakening at such a bad time? Never mind that, how can she belong to all four of us? It just doesn't make sense, no female has ever had this many mates. It's not that I'm not excited but I don't know how to handle all this.

  Tae thinks I don't know anything about mating but I actually know more than they do. They didn't even think to check for the mate mark but I did and it's simple yet beautiful, sitting perfectly on the left side of my rib cage. It's shape is reminiscent of a four leaf clover but black with no stem, and in it's center sits a burgundy four-pointed star.

  I never thought a simple mark could hold so much meaning to me but already I know that she's the most fucking important thing to me. I don't understand how I know this but I do, I suppose it’s a feeling I've got deep in my soul telling me that she'll change our lives forever.

  Hearing the door of the gym opening, I turn around to find Sam standing at the entrance. I've known Sam the longest out of the guys by a few years and he has always reminded me of a puppy with his big round eyes and sheer skittishness. I guess that's why we're all so protective of him. He doesn't enjoy using his defensive or offensive magick so he leans more into the power of his mind. Which can be pretty freaky but really helpful in battles. He usually hacks the closest camera and speaks into our mind if an enemy tries to sneak up on us and is able to cast the most life-like illusions I've ever witnessed.

  Unfortunately, he thinks he adds nothing to the team, no matter how many times we all tell him he's just as important as the rest of us. The others and I haven’t got the smarts that he does, he's definitely a key member of the group and we would have probably failed half of our missions without his insight. He waves to me as he slowly walks forward rubbing the back of his neck in nervousness.

  “Hey D, Lucien just called."

  “Did he find Asmo's daughter?” Sam scratches his nose, looking away and I can tell that he's worried about whatever Lucien has told him, with Sam, it really could be anything so hopefully it’s not too serious. “Yeah he found her, he said that he's just off the phone to her there. He doesn't know if she'll come in and talk though. Do you think that he can convince her it’s the right thing to do?”

  I take a moment, thinking of how to phrase this best to calm him down. “Well I kind of get it, getting a call from a lawyer you've never heard of must be confusing. She's a young woman, she could be looking out for her safety and doesn't believe who he said he was but hopefully her curiosity will win out and he won’t have to do any convincing.”

  He nods, starting to fidget with his glasses, I wonder what's put him on edge? “He invited her to the office for an explanation, he's hoping with the firm's reputation she'll be able to trust him and that she'll come in today. Do you think she will accept going to the office? That way she's meeting him in a public place with witnesses around and it'll feel safer, because this will be so much harder if she doesn't.”

  Now I get it, he's worried that because he's the least threatening one of us he'll have to be the one to approach her if she doesn't accept. I get he isn't good with people, that's why he's the tech guy. He can’t handle pressure, but this is important. Asmo was a great friend and comrade so we can't let him down.

  I don't know if she will accept but it would be stupid not to. Who doesn’t want to be partners in a law firm, own a company, a house and millions of dollars at only twenty-one years old? I know I would have given my left arm for that kind of opportunity. “Dude, I don't know but I don't see why she wouldn't. Don't get yourself too stressed out about it, everything will be okay.”

  “I'm trying but with the mating call the other night... I don't know how to handle all of this at the same time. You know I work best with all the facts or at least a name. How am I supposed to help us find her when we won’t know who she is until we're in the same room as her? Then there's also Asmo’s daughter, there's only so much that I can do! ” He runs his hands through his hair in agitation. I reach out, putting my hand on his shoulder.

  “Sam, it's all going to work out. I know you like being able to be in control of all the factors but we're out of our comfort zones with this as well. Why don't you concentrate on Asmo's daughter, at least you have some info to work with. What's her name? I keep forgetting to ask.”

  He sighs and I watch as some of the tension leaves his shoulders. “Maybe you're right, her name is Lilith and from what I can find she’s had a hard life. Her mother is an alcoholic and a drug addict who has been reported for beating Lilith at least twenty times and that's only the reported cases although none of the reports went further than the initial write up. Despite this, she was at the top of her classes all
through school.

  She moved out on her eighteenth birthday and moved in with her then fiancé. She struggled to find work until around six months ago and a couple of days ago she was in her local drowning her sorrows. From what I got off the bartender, she had lost her job and found her fiancé cheating, leading to her being kicked out. She's living with a friend right now, that's all I managed to find out.”

  “That's all! Dude, that's a life story you did good! We at least know where she is if she doesn't accept her inheritance. Alright, think about it logically this could work for us, she might accept what’s been left to her just because she needs her own place to live. Plus she needs a new job and money to live on.”

  I can see a spark in his eyes as he looks at me with a smile spreading over his face. “Shit D, you’re a genius why didn't I think of that? It makes sense really, I'm sure she won't want to be a burden to her friend and I know at that age I would have taken it. Lucien will call us if she goes to the office and let us know how everything goes with her.”

  “As long as that damn Incubus remembers that she's royalty and doesn't try to get in her knickers it should be all good. Can we trust him to keep his hands to himself?”

  Sam worries his bottom lip between his teeth. I really hope we don't need to kick Lucien's ass. He's been a good friend but Asmodeus would kill him himself if he was alive and he crossed that line. “I'm sure! He's not that stupid, is he? I'm pretty sure he knows we would castrate him, and he loves his junk more than any other incubus I've ever met.”

  Damn, I hope Sam's right. I really don't feel like killing a friend out of duty. “Alright, we will just have to keep our fingers crossed that he'll think with his head and not his dick. I forgot to ask, have you told the others?” Sam looks at me sheepishly. Shit, he knows he should be telling Tae about this shit before anyone else.

  “Uhm, actually you were the first one I bumped into. I'm kind of glad I told you first though, thanks for helping me through my meltdown, you know Tae doesn’t need the added stress right now. At least I'll be more composed while telling the others.”

  “You know I've always got your back man. Even if Tae is going to rip me a new one if he finds out you spoke to me first. Another question, have you seen the mark?" He freezes refusing to meet my eye. “W-Well I didn't know if anyone else knew what it was, I sure as hell don’t. So I kept it to myself. I didn't want to freak anyone out, we have enough going on right now”

  He slowly raises his top to show me the right side of his ribs and right there, is the same mark that I have. We really need to talk to the others, maybe we're pairs and not a quad and we just got the calling at the same time. A guy can hope at least that would be easier to explain. I sigh, starting to collect my things before turning back to him.

  “I think you should leave talking about the mark with the others to me maybe they have different marks and we're worried about nothing. You should go tell Tae about that phone call though don't worry I won't let on that you told me about it first.” I clamp my hand down on his shoulder with a wink to show him I’m just messing with him. Well, shits just getting even crazier now with my brothers and I are stuck in the middle of it all.

  Lilith

  It feels like everything has slowed almost to a complete stop and suddenly all I can hear is a buzzing in my ears. Looking at Lucien and I can see his mouth moving but I can't seem to concentrate long enough to let his words penetrate through the fog clouding my mind. Taking a deep breath I hold my hand up to stop him from speaking. “I'm sorry Lucien, I just need a moment. I-I think that it’s just a bit much knowing I’m actually going to learn something about my dad, I just need to breathe for a moment.”

  He looks at me sympathetically nodding his head. Getting up I stagger out of his office before leaning against the wall and sliding down to the floor. I don't know how long I sit here before Lucien comes out, squatting down before me. “Lilith I know this is hard but please come back into my office. Like I said you aren't obligated to accept anything but I would like for you to know the truth, or at least what I can share with you.”

  I look up at him with tears in my eyes and he stretches out and cups my cheek. Why do I feel so comfortable around a man I don't even know? Especially when he's trying to tell me something I just don’t want to hear. How could I after everything I've been through? I guess that's not really true I do want to know. I would give anything to know why he abandoned me.

  “What do you mean the truth, Lucien? I know the truth. The truth is that he left me. He was the only person who could do something about what my mother put me through! He could have saved me but he chose not to!” He looks away while grabbing the back of his head. Seeming to contemplate what to say to me. “Your mother lied to you Lilith, I wouldn't try to force this if it wasn't important.”

  He reaches his hand out to me and I look at him in shock. Before I realize what I'm doing, I grab his hand and he helps me to my feet placing his hand at the bottom of my back and guiding me back into his office to the seat. I settle down into the chair taking a fortifying breath, watching as he leans against the desk in front of me. He looks away from me deep in thought.

  “I knew your father well, I know you won't agree at this moment, but he was a good man to the people he cared about. He loved you more than I could ever tell you, you were all he ever spoke about and he hated that he had to leave you with her, it drove him mad knowing she was hurting you. He never went into what happened between him and your mother but what he did tell me ripped his heart out.” I furrow my brows in confusion if he really loved me, why would he stand by and watch what she did to me? Why didn't he help me?

  “Before he died he told me that he had written a letter and stored it in the top drawer of his desk in his study at home. He didn't want anyone else telling you what happened but being his best friend and his lawyer he asked me to make sure you got it. All I'm allowed to tell you is that you would have been in a lot more danger if he tried to contact you, she made sure of it. He has left you his house, his company and his partnership in this firm. As well as all of his fortune apart from an amount that is to be donated to orphanages and other charities around the city.”

  I can't believe it, how is this even possible? Do I want anything from him? If I was in so much danger shouldn't he have wanted to take me away from it all even more? All this meeting has done is give me more questions that I'll never really get answers to. Why would he want to leave me confused like this when he isn’t here to answer any questions I might have for him? He had all the chances in the world to explain this to me himself, he must have known I would have questions for him!

  “Who was I in danger from? Apart from my mother who already beat me every day? She always told me how it was all his fault, that she should have gotten rid of me when she had the chance. How can I believe he was trying to keep me safe when he left me with the one person who hurt me the most?”

  Looking at me with sadness in his eyes, he takes a deep breath letting out a sigh before answering. “All I can tell you is your mother was only one of the things that posed a threat to you. She swore she would end your life if he ever tried to get close to you and there was nothing your father could do to stop her, he refused to endanger your life by even attempting it. Your father had many people in his employment and he got involved as much as he could without putting your life at risk. He never stopped telling me and his closest friends about everything you accomplished even with your mother always on your case and he was there at all your school plays and events. I remember him showing me pictures of you when you were younger, you must know that he did love you.”

  Feeling the tears as they start to fall down my face I shake my head in disbelief. No! He's lying. He can't be telling the truth I would have known. How could I not and how in the hell am I supposed to be able to know what's true and what's not. All this time he was in the same city with me and I never even knew who he was! This is all becoming too much. How could that arsehole do this to me? My wh
ole life I wanted nothing more than for him to take me away from the pain I endured. I finally get away from it by my own merit and now he's trying to help me? Fucking hell! He isn't even alive now, what good is all of this?

  “Answer me this Lucien. I’ve been away from my mother since I was eighteen. Why has he waited until now? Until he was dead!? He had over two years to get in touch, to get to know me! I was safe from my mother and her threats yet he still stayed away. Now he’s dead and we’ve both lost any chance we had at getting to know each other!”

  “Lilith I wish I had all the answers for you. The only other reason he permitted me to tell you any of this is due to the fact that someone was actively trying to kill him and he didn't want you caught in the middle of any more of his shit. Your father didn't just die, he was murdered.”

  I can feel my breathing picking up as I reach my breaking point. I've got to get out of here! I need to think! If I accept this my whole life may turn out to be a lie, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. On top of that from what he's telling me it will put me in danger and I think I’ve had enough danger to last me a lifetime!

  “I understand this has been a lot for you to take in, Lilith. The last thing I want to let you know is that if you do accept this, I'll be your lawyer. I work for the company and your father and I were partners in this firm. So I hope we can work together in the future.”

  Looking up at Lucien I give him a weak smile. “Can you give me until tonight to give you an answer? I really need to think about this. I honestly don't know what my decision will be but I won't leave you waiting too long for my answer.”

  “That's perfectly fine. I get it, It's a big decision and a lot of information to take in.” He gives me another one of his stunning smiles as I stand up, reaching out and shaking his hand.