Searching For Who I Am: Book 1 (The Searching Trilogy)

by Paige Orr

  “Look I know it's hard to believe but it’s true. I was hoping you wouldn't find out so soon. It would have given us more time to prepare you and for you to get to know me before I had to show you the proof. Though it looks like your dad has taken the choice out of my hands. I don't want you to hate me, I was hoping we could become friends and that I could help you with all of this shit.”

  “What proof is that then, and why the fuck would I hate you for it?" He hesitates before taking a deep breath and straightening up. “I know it's true because I'm a demon, well, an Incubus if you want to be precise. Your father was the Prince that resided over my kind which I guess now makes you our princess. I was his best friend and advisor through most of his long life overseeing our people.”

  I laugh at him and I can see the hurt in his eyes and I feel a rush of guilt but try not to show it. This guy is playing a really horrible fucking game. Why should I be feeling guilty? He’s obviously just as much of a wacko as my dear old dad! I can't help but feel like I'm being a bitch though, because if (and that's a very big if) any of this is true then I've been really fucking horrible to an innocent man.

  “God you really are bloody crazy. Go on prove it then but this is such a waste of fucking time. What’s the big plan when this all goes tits up, cause I can assure you buddy I'll be bloody pissed.” Rolling my eyes I watch as he stands, taking a step behind the chair. He looks at me in trepidation as he reaches for his suit jacket removing it and placing it on the back of the chair. He then loosens his tie taking it from his collar and placing it with his jacket. What the fuck, like sure I wouldn't turn down a little strip tease but now isn't really the time for this shit.

  I look at him questioningly as he reaches for his shirt buttons, slowly undoing each one as he strips himself of it and places it with the rest of his things. Unable to stop myself I sneak a glance at his toned body, enamored by the way his muscles tense as he moves. What? Any woman can appreciate a man with a nice body. It's in our blood and he definitely has a very nice body (like, I really want to cover him in chocolate sauce and lick it all off). I look back to his face catching him laughing at me and I just shrug my shoulders, looking away flustered. What's a girl to do? You can't put all that sexiness on display and expect me not to ogle such a fine specimen of a man.

  “I'm going to show you my true form. Now mine will probably be one of the least intimidating of the demons you'll meet. So it's probably a good thing I'm doing it, just don't freak out on me okay? I'm still going to be me, I promise. I'll just look a little different.”

  Nodding my head, leaning back and crossing my arms over my chest. I watch as he closes his eyes while rolling his shoulders and taking a deep breath. I eye him intently, waiting for anything to happen but as the seconds tick by I begin to feel stupid for ever buying into this stupidity. That's when I notice something strange start to happen.

  His hair seems to turn a lot darker, before stopping at a rich chocolate brown. Then he honest to god starts to look like he has a really terrible sunburn as his skin turns a deep red. Worst of all is when he opens his eyes. What I see is oddly beautiful yet fucking disturbing. The whites of his eyes are now the color of pure obsidian. And as I look into them I begin to feel like I’m falling into a deep abyss and his irises are the only things to save me from falling to my death. They're the most fascinating thing I’ve ever fucking seen, in closest to his pupils is a glowing yellow that fades to bright burnt orange, then a beautiful fire red. They seem to glow from within and the longer I stare into them the more they begin to look like crackling flames.

  I start to feel light-headed as it dawns on me that they weren't kidding. It's true! Which means I'm really a half-demon. Did my mother know this? Is that why she hates me? It makes sense right now, I fucking hate myself. Feeling my chest beginning to constrict, I start looking over everything that's ever happened to me trying to figure out if any of it's true. As I think I see darkness begin creeping into the edges of my vision and welcome the reprieve as everything fades away to nothing.

  Lilith

  I awake, feeling as though my whole body has been dipped in acid. Yet even as I clench my teeth through the pain, I can feel it beginning to slowly ease. Becoming more attuned to my surroundings, I realize that I’m laying on the softest bed I've ever felt. If I wasn’t in so much pain I would be enjoying the luxury of it but at this moment that’s not really important. What happened? I try to move but groan in pain, feeling a tear escape my eye as my breathing becomes more erratic. Moving was a really stupid idea, I imagine this is how you would feel after going ten rounds with Mike Tyson!

  I haven't felt this much agony since my mother forced me to drink bleach, and her boyfriend beat me with a cane for hours. God please no, I can't go through that again. Please, don’t tell me she’s back! I’ve managed to run from her for so long, she can’t have found me now. I try to think back to what happened but can't remember a thing. If this is down to my mother then I've got to fight through this pain and get the fuck out of here.

  Just as I'm starting to really freak out, I feel a presence leaning over the top of me. Slowly I crack my eyes open and even that small movement, intensifies the pain. As my eyes finally focus, I see Lucien's face hovering above me, worry lining his eyes and finally things start to come back to me. I try to give him a weak smile to reassure him that I'm alright but I can tell how little he believes me. I don't really blame him, my eyes probably show how terrified I am. That's not because of him though, I just have to push all my inner demons (get it, demons) back down. It's not everyday that you wake up believing you're back in your worst nightmare.

  I try to speak, hoping it'll be enough to stop his worry but my throat closes up causing me to go into a coughing fit. I try to curl around myself wishing for anything to stop this unbearable pain, I hear Lucien rushing from the room before coming back in. He slowly helps me sit up with his arm bracing me as he places me gently against the headboard, ignoring my moan of pain as he presses a glass to my mouth to make me drink. I crack my lips open and feel the cool liquid slide down my throat. It's so soothing that I almost start sobbing again at the relief it brings. I look at Lucien feeling grateful that he's here. Yet even as I begin to feel comfortable in his presence I start to remember what happened before everything went black. I look at Lucien with fear in my eyes but I still try to straighten my shoulders to prove that I'm brave enough for this conversation.

  “What the hell... happened Lucien I-I... how is any of this... even possible... and what the fuck... just happened to me? ” I croak the whole time but I can't put this conversation off. He looks at me defeated, sighing as he perches on the edge of the bed. His shoulders slump forward and he braces his elbows on his legs and hangs his head.

  “I'm so goddamn sorry Lilith, if I knew that would have happened from you seeing my true form I never would have shown you. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm still the same person you met yesterday, I haven't changed!” He looks up at me and I can see the tears welling in his eyes. Knowing my throat is still hoarse, I nod at him in understanding.

  “You see, when I showed you my true form, your body went into shock which has since brought on your awakening. Fuck, I'm so stupid! I should have known I would freak you out. I'm so fucking sorry, you should have had more time to prepare but once again I've fucked everything up.”

  He grabs his hair in his hands in frustration. I slowly stretch my hand out grabbing his shoulder lightly and squeezing it as comfortingly as I can. He looks up at me in shock and I can see a tear has escaped and is rolling down his cheek. Even as he looks at me in wonder, my eyes are drawn to my arm which is now the same red tone that I saw on Lucien earlier. I do have some differences though. In fact I've got strange markings which Lucien doesn’t have that cover my arm in a slightly darker red skin than the rest of me. It's quite beautiful how intricate the markings are, with all of the beautiful swirls and whirls. My breath hitches as it fully sinks in that the letter spoke the truth.

 
I can feel my breathing growing unsteady as I think about how my life will never be the same again. Everything will change now. How can I be around my friends when I'm an actual demon? Lucien must sense my panic soaring as he reaches forward cradling my face in his hands.

  “Breathe Lilith, it's going to be alright, you aren't on your own I promise. I'll be here for you, you can get through this. Look at all you've survived already, I may not know everything you’ve been through, but I know enough from your dad. You're strong, don't let this get the better of you.”

  I look into his eyes and can see the truth of his words. I won't be on my own, I can do this. After everything that woman has done to me, I can't let this defeat me now, not when I've decided to ‘grab life by the balls’ as the saying goes. I nod my head trying to calm my shaking breaths.

  “Not only will you have me, as I was your father's advisor and I hope to be yours too, your father also asked his four most trusted friends to help you learn how to control all your new power. I actually got a hold of them when I figured out what was happening. I knew meeting four new demons probably wouldn't be smart so soon, so just the leader of their unit will come over and we will bring the others in later. Does that all sound alright? I know you're probably finding this all hard to process, but I'm hoping he'll be able to tell you a lot more than I can.” His voice lowering to a pained whisper. “I thought you were dying. You were so still and barely breathing. Fuck! What have I done?” I take hold of his hand in mine.

  “I'm alright Lucien... The pain isn't so bad now...” But even as I speak the words I know I haven't gotten over the worst of it yet. As if to prove my point I feel my temperature begin to lower incredibly fast as my whole body is wracked with shakes. I try to speak through my rattling teeth but I can't. I break down in earnest, everything feels like it has turned to ice except the nape of my neck, which feels like a branding iron is being forced into my skin. I try to scream but it comes out garbled. I look at Lucien though glazed eyes as he jumps to his feet moving his hands around erratically not knowing how to help me.

  “Lucien... It... Hurts!” I manage to croak out before my whole body seizes up and my eyes roll back into my skull as I begin to convulse.

  Gale

  I finish putting together and laying out Tae's outfit for his meeting with Lillith. I'm quite proud of myself this time. I've paired a lovely fitted black suit with a burgundy satin shirt along with a black tie with burgundy stripes lined in grey. He'll look very suave in this, if I do say so myself. Pleased with my work, I walk into the bathroom to start my shower. While I wait for the water to heat up I feel an itch on my right shoulder blade, this has been a recurring event on and off since the mate calling. Curious I take my t-shirt off to check it out, but as I turn to look Tae comes through the door. I switch off the shower and turn my head to speak to him but he's standing frozen staring at my shoulder. “When did you get a tattoo?”

  “What are you talking about? I don't have a tattoo, my shoulder blade has been irritated so I was trying to check it out.” He looks at me like I've lost my mind, shaking his head as he walks closer to me.

  “Dude no lie, that definitely looks like a tattoo. It kind of looks like a black four leaf clover without a stem and a deep red four pointed star in the middle.”

  I frown and stand with my back to the mirror to examine it and see that he’s right. How the fuck did that get there? I'm prodding at the strange tattoo as D walks into my room. “Oh I was just coming to ask you guys if you found it, but I see that you did.”

  “What do you mean found it? All I've found is this fucking tattoo that I don't even remember getting! Seriously what the actual fuck, this had better be some kind of joke.” D starts laughing at Tae and I as we just stand there staring at him in utter confusion.

  “That's not a tattoo, it's the mark of our mate. We all should have one somewhere. I found mine the morning after the mating call, I kind of already knew it would be there though.”

  Me and Tae look at eachother shaking our heads. Is this numbskull on crack or something? “And how the fuck did you already know it was going to be there!?”

  D looks away sheepishly as he rubs the back of his neck. “Well I guess it's confession time... I kinda know a lot more about mates than I let on, I actually know a little bit more than Tae does. The mark appears on all mates including the female. It goes back to the times when matings happened regularly, it was so that if there were multiple callings at once you knew you had the right people in your mate group. I guess it never stopped.”

  “You mean to tell us we all have this mark? Then where are Tae's and Sam's? They haven't found any, have they?” He walks over to me pulling his t-shirt up and showing me the left side of his rib cage. Right there on the centre of his ribs is the same mark that's on my shoulder. I look at him in awe as he turns back around, I may be freaking out a little bit but this shit is fucking cool as fuck.

  “Well, I was talking to Sam the other day and his is on his right side on his ribs. I asked him to leave talking to you arseholes about it to me. Back on track though, it's beautiful isn't it? I wanted to wait till we weren't too busy to ask you guys about it, but I guess now's as good a time as any. So why don't you bring your ugly ass closer Tae and get that shirt off so we can see where yours is.”

  Tae chuckles at this as he untucks his shirt, undoing the buttons and sliding it off his shoulders. Turning around showing us his back, and right there on the opposite shoulder from mine is the mark of our mate. I'm still in complete shock but D is right it's strangely beautiful. Who would have thought that something so simple could be so appealing.

  This is turning out to be a really strange day. Yet we can't get caught up in the mark, we have a job to do after all. “So Tae, back onto the big subject, what did you find out about Lillith?”

  “Well I only know what Asmodeus told me, which isn't anything good. Not that she herself has done anything wrong, more just what she has been through. Also what I managed to get out of Lucien. Her mother is a drug addict and an alcoholic who would regularly beat her most of her life. She was admitted to the hospital on numerous occasions, but the doctors couldn't figure out that her injuries weren't actually from silly falls. Her mother had a long list of men that she was sleeping with that would help her with the beatings and covering them up. No one knows the full extent of the abuse apart from Lillith. From what I was able to find, she only really has one friend that she has been close with since primary school who helped her as much as she could. She's a smart girl, she had good grades from highschool and went on to go to university where she graduated.”

  I can’t believe how much she has dealt with during such a short life, for fucks sake even us demons don't go through that shit. Plus it's hard to picture what Tae is telling us happening to the happy looking little girl in the pictures that Asmodeus showed us. How anyone could do that to a child I'll never know, we might be demons but hurting children is a big hell no!

  “She moved out of her mother's at eighteen and moved in with her then boyfriend. From what I could find they were really happy together and got engaged a few years later. After she graduated she found a secretary job at a law firm and enjoyed her work. Unfortunately, on her twenty first birthday she was fired. I looked up the company and it turns out they're on the brink of bankruptcy. That's not all though, she also found her Fiancé cheating on her that same day and he threw her out. When I checked him out I found he's been seeing this bimbo for the last year and a half. She's now staying with her best friend. That's all I got, but we should probably be prepared for her not to trust us easily.”

  We all fall into silence thinking through everything Tae has told us. I can’t believe how hard her life has been, kind of pisses me off that Asmodeus didn't get involved. No child deserves to go through what she has been through. Then for one of the only people she trusts to betray her is horrible. I turn back to Tae,

  “So now that we know more about her I understand why Lucien chose you to meet her f
irst. If anyone could keep her calm it would be you. Now I've sorted your outfit for when you meet her, it's on my bed, go get it and see what you think.”

  He collects the ensemble and brings it into the bathroom. With a stupid grin he holds it up showing it off. “Well I've got to say Gale, you've really outdone yourself this time.”

  I roll my eyes at him but still smile. This is why I dress the guys. Nobody else could capture their personalities the same way that I can. It's to be expected when you've been a team for one hundred and twenty years. “Now that's that all sorted, what should we do while you're at the meeting?”

  “Well unfortunately, there isn't much you can do until Sam comes up with something. I know it's frustrating bu-” he's cut off by his phone ringing and he walks into the other room to answer it, but remains in our line of sight. I watch as all color drains from his face and he places his outfit down on my bed. With a serious look he agrees with the caller, hangs up, and races from the room. What the fuck is going on now?

  Taehyung

  I race through the streets in my McLaren P1. I can't believe that damned incubus, he had one fucking job! Just keep Lilith safe! I swear I'm going to kill him when I get my hands on him. How the hell could he let anything happen to the Princess of Hell? Does he even realize how important she is to us all? He should know better, he's the oldest out of all of us!

  I see the turn off for Asmo's house and stomp on the gas, skidding down the street then up the driveway before drifting to a stop. I leap from the car, not even closing the door before running up the stairs. I come to an abrupt stop because as I'm about to ring the bell, the door opens revealing a very rumpled Lucien. His hair is sticking up in every direction and his shirt is untucked with the buttons askew. I swear he better not have been trying to fuck her, this really isn't the time. I can even see tears in his wild eyes. I freeze with my hand still raised and try to rein in my anger. Taking a deep breath, I slowly release it before addressing him.