Worth the Risk

by Lindsay Paige

  Elias flicks his gaze to me, almost looking like he wants permission to say yes. I nod. We sit on either side of Jackson while Elias reads him a Dr. Seuss book. He falls asleep two pages before the end. I kiss his forehead and we sneak out of his room.

  “Tonight wasn’t too bad, was it? You okay with Henry coming with us when we go skating?”

  I smile and nod. “It’s sweet you offered. Henry wants to see him every day for a while.” I shake my head as Elias slips his hand in mind and leads me back downstairs. “I’m torn. I see why he does, but then if Jackson gets used to seeing him every day, is he going to be upset when that slows down? I feel like we should get on a schedule and make it more like it will be in the future.” Elias sits on the couch, but pulls me onto his lap. “He’s jealous of you.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Me?”

  “Yep. He thinks Jackson might like you more than him. He also questioned whether my job is healthy for Jackson.” And that got to me because while I don’t want to lose this job, I don’t want Jackson to get hurt if something were to ever happen either. Jackson is bound to get attached to Elias, just like Bree is bound to get attached to us. Her first word was Ja-Ja, for goodness sake!

  Elias’s hand rests on my cheek for a moment before sliding up into my hair and then resting on the back of my head. “Raelynn, listen to me very carefully because I’m only going to say this once and you should only repeat what I say to Henry once. If you decide to stop being Bree’s nanny one day or if things don’t work out between us, Jackson and me? We’re still going to be friends. Just like if you still wanted to be in Bree’s life, I wouldn’t stop you, especially if she was Jackson’s age and was used to having you around.

  “You want to expand your and Jackson’s world, remember? Well,” he grins, “I’m now a part of your and his world. Henry can suck it up. Jackson will like him eventually. You need to stop letting him make you second-guess yourself.”

  “I’m not second-guessing myself that much,” I defend. “Bree will get attached to us just as much as Jackson will get attached to you, so I worry about them both.” His eyes soften at this.

  “You don’t need to worry about my princess because I’m not worried. I only let her around good people.”

  I can’t help it. I smile.

  “There you go,” he murmurs. “Smile. Relax.” He grins. “Kiss me.”

  I do kiss him. It still surprises me that I’m this comfortable around him. I always thought that whenever I started dating again, I’d feel awkward and so nervous, but it hasn’t been nearly as bad with Elias. As he begins to run his hands up and down my thighs, his fingers digging into my skin as I now straddle him, I pull away.

  “What was your life like before Bree?” I ask. “What did you do with your free time, I mean.” Elias spends almost all of his free time now with Bree. But since we’re about to go on a date, I wonder what he likes to do with his spare time.

  Elias shifts his hips to relax further into the couch with his head leaning against the back of the couch, and I have to swallow hard at the feel of his cock through his jeans. “I’m boring,” he says with a chuckle. “My favorite thing to do was stay home and watch movies.”

  “That doesn’t make you boring.”

  “Yes, it does, Raelynn. I’m just on the road so much and busy with work that it sounds like heaven to stay at home and watch movies for a few hours, you know?” I nod and he smiles. “But that’s only during the season. I like to be a beach bum and fish during the offseason. I didn’t go this past summer since Bree is so young. I didn’t want to take her to the beach yet. Maybe next summer. Or I might get a pool.”

  “That sounds nice.” Jackson would probably love a pool, too.

  “What do you like to do?”

  I shrug. “I’m a mom and Bree’s nanny. I’m also a student. I don’t have free time.” Okay, so I have a little and I use it to do something, but I’m not so sure I want to tell Elias this. I haven’t been able to do much of my little hobby since I moved in here anyway.

  He frowns. “There must be something you like to do and are able to do.”

  “I’ve gotten hooked on a soap opera since I’ve been taking care of Bree,” I say, hoping that will appease him.

  It doesn’t.

  “Do you have a nice dress?”

  His change of topic confuses me for a second. What does that have to do with what I do in my spare time? “No,” I answer him anyway.

  “You need to go shopping, then.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s for our date.”

  My eyebrows shoot up and Elias smiles. He’s taking me somewhere really nice then.

  “I’ll take Jackson and Henry skating Wednesday, and we’ll go out Thursday,” he adds.

  “Sounds good. Why don’t we watch a movie?” If that’s his favorite way to unwind during the season, then I’d like to do that with him. Elias seems to love this idea as well based on the smile on his face. He reaches for the remote to find a movie. We also move to lie on the couch on our sides with me in front of him.

  This is all so bizarre, being here with Elias like this, but at least now, I don’t have to worry so much about not ogling him and thinking inappropriately about him. About thirty minutes into the movie, Elias pulls my hair out of the way. He kisses my neck. My breathing shallows immediately. His hand slips underneath my shirt, his fingertips trail up and down my side.

  “What do you hope your future has?” he murmurs against my skin.

  He wants me to think while his hand and lips are touching me? Doesn’t he realize I’m basically like a teenager right now? I swallow hard and think of an answer. “I want to graduate, figure out my dream job, and one day, give Jackson a sibling.”

  Elias’s movements stop. He turns me a little so he can look at me. One of his eyebrows arches. “You didn’t mention a relationship,” he points out.

  “My last one left me pretty scarred.” I shrug because maybe those words aren’t as true today as they once were. “I care more about taking care of Jackson, I guess.”

  Elias smirks. “How do you plan to give him a sibling if you don’t have a relationship at some point?”

  “That’s kinda the problem with my plan,” I say, causing him to laugh. “Especially since I don’t want to have a kid with just anyone. I learned my lesson with Henry.” At this, his expression sobers. “Do you want Bree to have a sibling one day?”

  “I don’t know. I wouldn’t be opposed, but I’m like you. I’d need to find someone I’d want to make a baby with.”

  All this talk about making babies causes me to look back at the TV.

  “Momma?”

  I spring upright to see Jackson’s feet descending down the stairs. He didn’t see me with Elias, which eases some of my nerves, but he doesn’t usually wake up in the middle of the night. I stand and head toward the stairs. “Yeah, baby? What’s wrong?” I walk up to him.

  “I heard a noise in my room at the window.”

  What? That scares me a little. “Elias? Don’t you want to come with us?” When I turn, I see him already at the bottom of the steps to follow us. I take Jackson’s hand. “Come on. We’ll make sure everything’s safe and get you back to sleep.”

  The light is on in his room when we get there. I get a reluctant Jackson back in bed while Elias peers out of his window and double checks that it’s locked, even though we’re on the second floor. Jackson says it sounded like something hit the window, but Elias tells him there’s nothing outside. He turns the light off and stands by the door, waiting for me.

  “Everything’s okay now. You can go back to sleep.” I kiss his forehead.

  He frowns. “You aren’t staying with me until I fall asleep?”

  “I can if you want me to.” I never turn him down when he’s scared; it’s the one thing I’ve never been able to do. Jackson holds his arms out for me and with that, I lie on the bed next to him. I don’t sing to him like some moms might. Sometimes, I just hold him. Sometimes, lik
e tonight, I run my fingers through his hair with one hand and soothe away the wrinkles on his forehead with the other. Running my fingers across his forehead and down the bridge of his nose always relaxes him.

  He falls asleep within minutes. I slowly ease out of bed to find Elias in the same spot; I figured he’d leave once Jackson asked me to stay. We carefully and quietly leave Jackson’s room.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For what? Being his mom and doing mom things?” Elias rolls his eyes. “Don’t apologize, Raelynn. Not for something like that.” As he tugs me in the opposite direction of the stairs, I realize it’s dark down there. Maybe he did leave to turn off all the lights and turn on the alarm. “Will you sleep in my room tonight?” he asks.

  I glance back at Jackson’s room. He’ll panic if he wakes up again, checks my room, I’m not there and clearly, I’m not downstairs. I don’t want him finding me in Elias’s room either.

  “I’ll lock the door. If he wakes up, he’ll come to my room when he can’t find you. I can answer, escort him back to his room, and you can slip out, like you were in the kitchen or something,” Elias supplies, reading my worry. “Or you can stay in your room.” He releases my hand. “I don’t mean to pressure you.”

  “I think I’ll stay in my room tonight.” I don’t know why I say these words or why I feel like I should be in my room instead of his.

  Elias nods, not looking disappointed at all. He simply accepts my decision, which makes me relax. He kisses me softly for only a moment and we go our separate ways. My stomach twists like I made the wrong decision as I get ready for bed. What’s the big deal if I stay in my own room and give us some space? I wince to myself. We don’t even need space.

  I’m settled in bed, my blankets resting over my breasts, and all I can think about is being in Elias’s room. My bed feels lumpy, though it’s not. It feels hard, though it’s not. What it is is not nearly as comfortable as Elias’s bed. Is he asleep already? What would it be like to simply sleep with Elias? Would he hold me? How? An arm around my waist? One under my neck? Would his legs tangle with mine? Would my head rest on his chest? Or would we barely touch, each on separate sides of the bed? I toss and turn for another thirty minutes with these damn thoughts in my head.

  That’s it. I can’t take it anymore. I toss my blankets aside and tiptoe across the hall. Elias left his door halfway open. Maybe he knew, or hoped, I’d change my mind. I stand in the doorway, not able to see into his dark bedroom, despite the nightlight Elias put in the hallway for Jackson.

  “Are you just going to stand there, Raelynn?”

  A whoosh of air pushes through my lips. He’s awake and can see me. “Can I come in?”

  A moment later, the lamp next to his bed illuminates his room. “Everything okay?”

  That’s not a yes. “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to change my mind.”

  His grin is slow and brilliant. Elias pats the spot next to him, wordlessly telling me to come on. I walk across the room, around his bed, and slide underneath the sheets he holds up for me. He flicks off the lamp and I lie on my back, suddenly stiff as a board. This is probably the first time I’ve truly felt nervous around him.

  “Look at me, Raelynn.”

  I turn my head his way, but it’s so dark in his room. “I can’t see you,” I point out.

  He chuckles. “That’s okay. I’m about to kiss you.” He waits two seconds for me to object before I feel him shift. My heartbeat trips over itself in an effort to pound faster in my chest. His lips graze over mine. I suck in a breath just as his mouth presses harder and his tongue enters my mouth. My body turns toward his, his hand clutches my hip, and my leg is way more forward than I am, tossing itself over his hips. Elias pulls away. Whether it was his intention or not, his kiss relaxes me.

  “Thanks,” I breathe.

  His lips still against mine rise. “Welcome. My alarm’s already set to wake you up.”

  “You knew I’d come in here?”

  “No. I hoped you’d change your mind, though.”

  Now, we’re both smiling like idiots. We stay as we are, giving ourselves a little space as we rest our heads more comfortably on our pillows. I worry that I’m not a cuddly person. I normally sleep on my back. People don’t really care about this sort of thing, do they? If I wiggle out of Elias’s arms at some point to sleep on my back, he won’t care if he happens to wake up and find me like that?

  I need to talk to a girl friend and squelch some of what I’m sure are stupid anxieties. Maybe I can confide in Deanna soon. That’ll be something else that’s sort of new for me. I haven’t done that since high school. Most of my high school friends dropped me so fast once they found out I was pregnant. Any I had left disappeared when I left town.

  A deep breath fills my lungs. This is a big week. Henry will hang around. Someone else will be watching my baby for a night. I’ll go on a date. Daydreams of what that date may be like lull me to sleep.

  Deanna has blown me away. She texted me, all excited about the fact that she is watching the kids for us and because Elias and I are going on a date. When I mentioned how Elias said I need a dress and how I need to go shopping, she took the day off work and came with me. Having a friend again is so weird. Having someone I trust to watch Jackson is weirder.

  “Are you excited about the date?” she asks as she flicks through the rack. She told me to leave it up to her to find the perfect dress for me, and I have no problem doing so. It allows me to keep a better eye on Bree.

  “Yes, but I’m nervous, too.”

  “That’s understandable. I will say that EJ must be a great guy all around. Brayden has friends on the team, of course, but EJ is probably his best and most legit friend. He wouldn’t be friends with a jackass. And he’d probably eventually get annoyed by anyone else if they sent pictures of their kid so much,” she adds as an afterthought.

  “I have no doubts that he’s a good guy. I can tell from how he is with his daughter and Jackson.” And the fact that he still gave me the job. All signs point toward Elias being a good guy, but it doesn’t make me any less nervous. Just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean he’s the good guy for me or that this will end in a happily ever after. “Can I ask you a question?” It seems like the perfect one for Deanna because to me, she has this air of confidence cocooning her and I want that for myself.

  “What is it?” Deanna stops looking at dresses to give me her full attention for a moment.

  “How can I be more confident and less insecure with myself?”

  Her mouth opens and closes a few times, like I’ve stunned her and she’s unsure what to say. “What are you insecure about?” she finally asks.

  “Stupid stuff. Like he asked me to sleep in his room the other night and for some reason, I told him no, but I ended up in his room anyway. Then, I worried about whether or not I was cuddly enough because I felt like I’d end up sleeping on my back and away from him. I worry about some of the bigger things too, especially now that we’re sort of dating.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like not intruding on his space. We live there. Before I was just someone who worked for him and helped take care of Bree. I tried to find and respect the boundaries and make sure he had time alone with Bree. Now, we’re doing this.”

  “Have you talked to EJ about this?”

  “No, but I think he wants the boundaries too. He’s asked for time alone with Bree before.” I have a sudden need to get my secret off my chest about Christmas, but for this, I don’t quite trust her not to tell Brayden and for him to keep this from Elias. We haven’t reached that level of trust yet.

  “Has EJ complained about anything? Is he pretty vocal with you?” When I nod, she says, “Maybe you can try relaxing and let him sort of lead. Let him tell you if you’re doing something wrong.” She winces. “I don’t like the way that sounds, but you know what I mean.”

  I nod.

  “Ja-Ja!” Bree shouts, rattling her toy.

  “He’s at scho
ol, Bree. We’ll see him and DaDa later.” Her eyes light up as if she knows exactly what I’m saying. She talks some more and soon, Deanna ushers us to the dressing room with an armful of dresses. I hope we find one that makes me feel confident and beautiful and tempting to Elias Bertuzzi.

  “I had a feeling you wouldn’t be able to resist,” Derek says with a grin. I stupidly decided to meet up with him since he’s in town for the game tonight and I just told him I’m now officially dating Raelynn. “Why can’t we eat at your house?”

  I shake my head. “You can meet her another time. It’s too soon and you’re too annoying.”

  “Have you told your ma yet?”

  “No. I’m going to wait until Christmas for that.”

  He nods. “Is Nicole coming too?” he asks, referring to my sister.

  “She finally said she would. She wanted to stay behind and with a friend, but she changed her mind.” I’m glad she’s coming. Out of everyone in my family, I talk to my sister the least, so it’ll be good to see her.

  “Good. So, you ready to lose tonight?” He grins and I flip him off.

  It isn’t us who lose tonight either. Derek manages to score a goal in the middle of the first period and it pisses me off when he makes sure to grin at me as he skates past me after his celebration. What an asshole. But it fuels me as much as it does whenever Jackson tells me I’ll score a goal because of his good luck.

  Every time my line is on the ice, we swipe the puck if we don’t have it and charge toward their net. Shot after shot after shot, the puck flies toward the goalie. He makes a glove save and then one with the tip of his toe, but I do manage to send a puck soaring high. It clangs against the bar.

  But it goes in!

  “Fuck yeah!” Scotty rubs my helmet.

  Tommy shouts something and hugs me like I just gifted him a brand new car on Christmas morning.

  Hockey hugs are the best as the defensemen on our line crash into us as well. I don’t bother grinning at Derek. Not just yet. I save that for right before the end of the first period. We’re on the ice with four seconds left. I shoot a one-timer.