Worth the Risk

by Lindsay Paige

  “Do you want to come with us?” I ask.

  Her “No, thanks,” breaks my heart. I’m able to distract myself for a while by building a blanket fort with Jackson and building things with Legos until Bree wakes up around dinner time. While we may eat together, all the talking comes from Jackson and Bree. Afterward, Raelynn takes the kids and clearly leaves me to clean up. It wouldn’t bother me any other time if we weren’t in the middle of this tension.

  When I sit next to her after cleaning up the kitchen, she ignores me and even slightly scoots away from me. But she has my kid on her lap. I don’t plan on being too far away in case I decide I want some time with her. The silence between us eats away at me so much that I nearly fall to my knees in relief when Raelynn speaks to me.

  “Are you okay if Bree goes with me to the lawyer’s office tomorrow?”

  It’s like a bucket of cold water splashes on me. It’s not what she said, but the realization that I have a game tomorrow and a road trip later this week. I can’t imagine going on the road with this distance and discord still raging on between us. I don’t know if it’ll help things, make them worse, or keep them the same.

  “Elias?”

  I glance over at her. “Yeah, sure.” If I remember correctly, I’ll be at the arena when it’s time for her appointment. “If you’d rather get one of the women to keep her, I can ask around. Meredith, Deanna, or Sydney might be open to it. She might decide to be a bad baby.”

  Jackson glares at me. “Bree is never a bad baby,” he says as if he’s disappointed I’d say such a thing. “Can we go to the game tomorrow, Momma?” he asks Raelynn, dismissing me just like that.

  “Not tomorrow, but maybe the game Sunday.”

  He nods in satisfaction and Raelynn gazes down at Bree. “I think she’ll be fine with me,” she says, referring back to my offer to let someone else keep her while she has her appointment. “I don’t want to bother anyone.”

  “You wouldn’t be,” I reassure her. “Meredith would probably love the opportunity; she always bugs me about wanting to keep her.”

  “We are all meeting at Sylvia’s tomorrow for lunch.” She sighs. “Do you think I shouldn’t take her with me, even though she’s normally so good?”

  Bree looks at me as if she knows I’m about to make a decision about her. “No, I wouldn’t. You should be entirely focused on what you’re doing and she might distract you.” Her shoulders slump. “Want me to get it arranged?”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  I pull my phone out of my back pocket and text Meredith. I’ve had her number ever since she watched Bree the day I found out about her and needed someone to watch her until my mom could fly in. Meredith’s reply to me asking if she’d like to keep Bree while Raelynn has her meeting includes all caps letters and lots of exclamation points. I’d say she’s excited.

  “She said she’ll be here to pick her up and if it’s okay with you, she’ll go ahead and take her over to Sylvia’s.”

  Raelynn nods. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

  It’s nice to know that even with this mess going on, we can still talk, even if it’s nothing too serious. Raelynn insists on putting Bree to bed, so while she’s upstairs with Bree and Jackson, getting them to sleep, I’m downstairs, twiddling my thumbs. I want to go upstairs, see if she needs help, but it seems like she wants space.

  After an hour of sitting on the couch, staring absentmindedly at the cartoons still on the TV, I begin to think she’s avoiding me. That’s totally not cool. I stand and jog up the stairs. The door to her room is wide open and the light is off. Her soft voice flows from Bree’s room. I peek inside to see her sitting in the recliner. Bree hasn’t fallen asleep yet.

  Raelynn glances up. “She’s giving me a tough time tonight.”

  It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask her if she wants help, but that feeds into the fact that things aren’t right between us. Would it be so bad if I didn’t do that? It could backfire, of course, but I’m willing to take the risk. I walk all the way into Bree’s room, sit on the arm of the chair, and return the smile Bree gives me.

  I take her from Raelynn, rest her on my chest, and keep the recliner rocking as I begin to hum to the tune of “Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep, little Bree.” Over and over, I hum over her baby babble until she grabs a fistful of my shirt sleeve and begins to relax. She still fights it a little, but she’s asleep soon enough.

  Raelynn tries to make her escape as we step out of Bree’s room, but I grab her hand before she can get too far away from me.

  “Elias,” she sighs.

  Her sigh isn’t getting to me this time. “We need to talk.”

  “Fine.” She pulls her hand out of mine and walks downstairs. She sits as far away from me as possible. “First, you try to push me away just in case I want to be with Henry. I still don’t understand that. I don’t want to be with him, and I thought that was clear. Even if he came back into my life as the nicest guy I’ve ever met and told me he loved me, I still wouldn’t want to try and make it work. He’s even told me that he still loves me, Elias, and guess what? It doesn’t change anything! Because our priority is on Jackson.”

  She stares at me and waits for a reaction. I’m trying to process the fact that he has told her he loves her still.

  “When did he tell you that?” I ask.

  Raelynn sighs and shakes her head. “That’s not the point, but if you must know, I flat-out asked him when I left here after we argued about it.”

  “I’m sorry about that, okay? It felt like something I needed to do, to mention, in case you didn’t have closure yet. I know I mentioned that other stuff, but it’s not like I wanted you to get back with him, but,” I sigh, “I don’t know. I’m an idiot.”

  “Yeah, you are,” she grumbles. “And then you snoop through my laptop, Elias. It’s not like you looked through my phone, which wouldn’t work for me either, but this is much worse than that. At this point, it’s as if you read my diary. It’s that personal, Elias.” Silence cloaks the air and just as I’m about to apologize, she stares down at her lap and says, “I don’t think this will work between us.”

  “What?”

  She settles her gaze on me. “You don’t trust me,” she says simply. “You do with Bree, but not when it comes to you. And after what you did, I don’t know that I can trust you with myself either.”

  “Raelynn,” I begin because this can’t be the end.

  “No, Elias,” she cuts me off before I can really get going. “You’re not listening to me.”

  “Yes, I am,” I interrupt her. “I know I did something I most definitely shouldn’t have done, but surely it’s not unforgivable, is it? We can recover from this. Don’t give up so easily.” That last sentence earns me a glare. “Aside from this, wouldn’t you agree that what we have is fantastic?”

  “I would agree that it’s too soon to tell.”

  “Now, you’re just being argumentative.”

  Raelynn stands, so I stand as well. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow and we’re getting nowhere. I need some space and some time.”

  My gut screams in protest. I almost want to ignore it since it’s what got me into this mess, but I don’t want to let her walk away. I don’t want my last words to her be me telling her that she’s argumentative, which really makes me sound like an asshole. She turns to walk around the couch and I say, “Raelynn, I...” My voice trails off, but I’m empowered by the fact that she’s facing me once again.

  What if this is the last chance I have to really talk to her? To convince her to stay with me? It’s as if everything suddenly clicks into place, the issues fall away, and one big important thing remains.

  So, I begin again. “Raelynn, I love you.”

  Tears form and spill over immediately. She holds up her hand and shakes her head. I wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t. Raelynn runs from the room.

  Well, fuck.

  His last words to me
last night haunt me. I can’t believe he said that, and I can’t line up what those words are supposed to mean with his actions prior to saying them. Hearing him say he loves me officially tore my nerves up and continues to do so today. I have no idea what to do with that kind of information. When Henry says it, I know to ignore it because I no longer have any sort of romantic feelings toward him. When Jackson says it, my heart is happy and I have no problem telling my little boy that I love him too.

  But when Elias said it?

  My first reaction was to cry and run away from him. What the hell?

  “What are you moping about?”

  My head snaps up at Sylvia’s question.

  “Did the meeting with the lawyer not go well?” Meredith asks.

  We’re all sitting on or around Sylvia’s bed. We being Sylvia, Meredith, Lizzy, Sydney, Theresa, Deanna, and Bree and Andrew, of course. The attention is all on me and I wish it would go away.

  “The meeting went great.”

  “Then what’s wrong?” Lizzy asks.

  Sylvia pulls herself up into a sitting position and leans forward. “Is something going on with you and EJ? Do we need to send our husbands over there to beat some sense into him?”

  “Or do we need to beat some sense into you?” Deanna asks, probably because she already knows part of the problem.

  “He invited you to the charity event, did he?” Theresa asks.

  I frown. “What event?”

  “Oh, don’t bring that up,” Sylvia mutters. “I still can’t believe that they’re letting Peggy Potter be in charge this year. She only took over because I obviously can’t do anything. I’m finding a way to go.” She crosses her arms and rests them over her stomach and waits, as if she wants someone to object.

  But I’m too distracted by the fact that they think Elias would have invited me to this thing. And the fact that he didn’t. “Why would he invite me?” I ask.

  “It’s hosted by the wives and girlfriends. The players will be attending. We do a main event every year,” Theresa tells me. “If you’re dating EJ, then you can go.”

  “She didn’t know anything about it.” Deanna points out the obvious.

  “And I wouldn’t go anyway. Who would keep Bree? Or Jackson?”

  Sylvia raises an eyebrow. “Is Henry not still in the picture? If you really wanted to go, we’d find someone to keep the kids. But none of this is the point. Why are you upset?”

  They all stare at me and wait patiently for me to spill my guts. So, I do. I start from the break-in to last night and all the crazy emotions in between. “My instinct is to leave and I don’t want to, but this is too much for me.”

  “But he’s in love with you,” Lizzy says.

  “So he says,” I agree.

  “You don’t believe him?” Deanna asks.

  I shrug. If I could get the fear out of the way, then maybe I could decide. If I could get the anger out of the way, that would help too.

  “So, what are you writing?” Sylvia asks, earning glares from all of the women. “What? She did tell us. She doesn’t have to answer. She knows this.”

  “Can someone else talk about their issues?” I practically beg, re-situating Bree who has fallen asleep in my lap.

  “As long as you make sure to talk to him when you go home,” Deanna says.

  I nod and conversation veers away from me. Everyone indulges Sylvia by sharing the latest in their lives. I learn just a little about some of the others, but a lot about some. Like Deanna is trying to better her relationship with her father. Lizzy talks about Marc going overboard getting everything ready for the arrival of their twins. Meredith admits she’s beginning to get discouraged on her own journey to getting pregnant.

  I listen and listen, but eventually people begin to clear out one by one until I’m the only one left. Scott comes home, checks in on Sylvia, and then leaves us alone in their bedroom. If he’s home for his pre-game routine, then I should probably go. That also means that Elias is probably home.

  “Do you know how Scott and I have lasted this long?” Sylvia suddenly asks me. My shoulders sag because I just know I’m in for a lecture. She doesn’t wait for me to respond. “He still pisses me off or does something to upset me, but we always talk it through. We don’t wait too long to do it either because then things stew and get worse. Go home. Talk to him. Find ways to trust each other. Scott!” I freeze at her yelling for her husband. She must do this often though because he calmly walks back into the room.

  “What do you need, Sylvie?”

  “Be kind enough to walk Raelynn out. Tell her how we’ve lasted this long. I’m exhausted.” She looks at me. “I don’t mean to push you out, but,” her voice softens, “you need someone to push you, Raelynn.”

  “Thanks.” I’m not sure if I should be thanking her or why, but it feels right. I hug her and gather my things, just in time for Bree to wake up as Scott leads me to the door.

  “I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want to know,” he starts. “But we’ve made it this far because I love my wife.” Scott shrugs as he opens the front door for me. “I love her and I can’t live without her. I do whatever I need to do to make it work because of that. It’s that simple.”

  I smile. “Tell her I like your answer better than hers.”

  He grins. “I will. Good luck, Raelynn.”

  I pick Jackson up from school before heading home. Jackson and Bree talk to one another from the backseat. Jackson mentions how he’ll have to change into his jersey once he gets home since there’s a game tonight. The last thing I need to do is talk to Elias prior to a game. But I do need to talk to him. If I were to catalog my feelings and sort them all out, things become a little easier.

  I can’t imagine being without Elias.

  He’s fantastic with my son, and my son loves him.

  I love taking care of Bree.

  But...

  There’s always a but, isn’t there? He doesn’t trust me, and now, I don’t trust him. Not as much as I once did, at least. When we get home, the first thing I notice is a big bouquet of flowers on the kitchen table. There’s a card propped up against them.

  “Are these yours, Momma?” Jackson asks.

  I pick up the card and open it.

  I’m prepared to grovel for the rest of my life.

  I’m sorry, Raelynn. Please forgive me.

  Love, EJ

  “Yeah, they’re for me,” I confirm as he leans forward to press his face against the flowers.

  “They smell good.”

  I pick them up and smell for myself. Bree tries to yank one out for herself, making me laugh. “Let’s find EJ, but remember to be quiet. He might be napping.”

  Sure enough, he’s asleep on the couch. I take the kids upstairs; it’s the easiest way to make sure we won’t wake him. But he’s upstairs within thirty minutes. He smiles as Jackson holds Bree’s hand and walks with her around the room.

  “I’m about to leave,” he says as he picks Bree up. “Did you see the flowers?”

  “Yes. Thank you.”

  “Will you stay up for me tonight?”

  I nod and I swear, he exhales in relief. He kisses Bree and tells his princess he loves her before setting her on her feet again. What throws me off guard, though, is that Jackson is there, waiting to give him a hug, wish him luck, and he sneaks in a “Bye, EJ. Love you.”

  Elias immediately looks at me since Jackson’s head is turned away. My throat tightens and tears threaten to spill. Elias crouches and hugs Jackson back. “Love you too, J-man.” Jackson slips away from him to play with Bree and Elias walks over to where I sit in the recliner. He leans down and simply presses his forehead to mine. “Thank you for still being here,” he whispers.

  My mouth parts, but the words are nowhere to be found, so I simply nod. A moment later, he leaves.

  I’m still feeling a little uneasy about this entire thing, but another talk can’t hurt things, right? Or maybe it can. Our last one didn’t go too well. I worry abou
t our impending talk of doom all afternoon, even once Henry arrives with dinner.

  “Are things better?” he asks while we eat.

  I shrug.

  “I know I haven’t been the best since I’ve been back, my opinion might not mean much, and I don’t know what’s going on, but for what it’s worth, I’ve decided I like him and I hope everything works out.”

  So, now my ex is telling me to stay with my boyfriend? What is the world coming to? I’m not so sure it’s comforting to have Henry’s support either. Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit. He’s been better and hasn’t made any flops recently.

  “I want to ask you something, even though I’m fully expecting you to say no,” Henry says later while we’re watching the Rebels game.

  “What is it?”

  He motions for me to stand and I follow him into the kitchen. Bree crawls after us. “Can Jackson spend the night with me this weekend? I’ll do whatever you want me to, Rae.”

  Bree slaps my leg and holds her arms up. I pick her up while having a mini heart attack. Jackson has never spent the night anywhere. He’s been with me every night of his entire life. Hell, I haven’t spent a full night without him in the same house as me since he was born. What am I supposed to do while he’s with Henry if I say yes? Bree tugs on my hair and the action reminds me to answer him.

  “I don’t know if I’m ready for that, Henry.”

  He nods as if he expected that. “But maybe we can ask Jackson to see if he’s ready?” he asks expectantly. “He might change his mind once he’s there, but it’s worth asking, right? Once our lawyers set up an official schedule in the papers, he’ll spend some weekends with me anyway.”

  Yes, because Henry wants every other weekend with Jackson at the very least. He wants an early start, it seems.

  “I’ll do whatever you want,” he repeats. “Let’s just see if Jackson would be up for it.”

  “Okay.” This is crazy! Yes, Henry would likely take care of him just fine. Yes, Jackson would probably have lots of fun. Yes, I’m only a phone call and a few minutes away. But my baby boy wouldn’t be in the same house as me for the first time. The amount of anxiety pumping through my veins right now as we return to the living room is insane.