A Perfect Husband

by Hilary Boyd

  *

  It was nearly four in the morning, but Freddy could not sleep. He lay on the sofa, covered with a duvet Lily had brought from upstairs, aware that he was not welcome in his sister-in-law’s house, and not even sure he was welcome in his wife’s life. Lily had gone straight to bed when they got back and had barely spoken a word on the journey home. Now the dawn light was creeping over the roofs of the houses opposite and he finally gave up any attempt at sleep, tiptoeing through to the kitchen to put on the kettle. It was going to be a glorious day, the garden, pierced by the diffuse summer light, shadowy and still, beautiful.

  As he gazed out, he heard Lily’s footstep on the stairs.

  ‘You couldn’t sleep either,’ she said, as she flopped onto a kitchen chair.

  She looked rumpled and exhausted in her T-shirt and pink-checked cotton pyjama trousers – he remembered them well – her dark hair tangled around her face. He handed her the cup of tea he had made for himself. ‘Maybe we should go back to the hospital now, see how he’s getting on?’ he asked.

  Shivering, she clutched the mug in both hands. ‘Okay.’

  She paused, glanced up at him. ‘When I sat beside Kit yesterday, I was so frightened he might die. But I think I was almost more worried about how Helen would react – if she’d somehow hold me responsible – than about Kit himself.’ She shook her head, ‘I don’t mean that. Obviously I love him . . .’ She gave up trying to explain.

  ‘The drugs make him harder to love,’ Freddy said.

  She nodded sadly and got up, stretched, then shivered again, wrapping her arms round her body and he went to her, gathering her close and rubbing her back vigorously through the thin T-shirt.

  ‘Come and lie down with me for a minute,’ he suggested. ‘You’re freezing. I’ll warm you up.’

  She barely hesitated before turning and walking ahead of him into the sitting room, where they lay down on the worn old navy sofa like spoons, her back against his stomach, his arm across her, the duvet pulled tight around their shoulders. Lily, hands clasped under her chin, pressed her icy feet against his legs and laughed softly as he winced. He readjusted the pillow beneath their heads and gradually felt her body relax against his.

  ‘Don’t let me go to sleep,’ she said.

  ‘I won’t.’

  *

  When they woke it was nearly eight-forty-five and they tumbled off the sofa in a panic, Lily rushing through to the kitchen where she’d left her mobile. There was no message from the hospital, or from her sister, apparently, but she pounded up the stairs to get dressed. Freddy washed his face and rinsed his mouth at the kitchen sink, drying himself on a tea towel as nothing else was available, then went to check his appearance in the hall mirror, eyeing his stubble and the dark bags under his eyes regretfully. I look ninety, he thought, stretching his mouth open, baring his teeth and widening his eyes to wake up his face.

  Lily was jumpy as they drove to the hospital. ‘Don’t come up,’ she said, as she parked and began fumbling for change for the machine. ‘Helen will be here soon.’

  ‘Not for an hour or so,’ Freddy pointed out. ‘They won’t be out of the airport yet.’

  ‘Still, no need for you to hang around.’

  He felt dismissed and tried not to mind.

  She gave him a brisk smile. ‘Listen, I’m so grateful to you for being here, Freddy. I don’t know what I’d have done without you yesterday.’

  Her thanks seemed a sop: she was dismissing him.

  ‘I’d like to just come in and check he’s okay, if you don’t mind.’

  She bit her lip. ‘All right.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I’m not here when they arrive. I’m not dumb.’ He knew he sounded peeved and regretted it as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

  But Lily didn’t seem to notice. ‘Fine.’

  Kit was still asleep. He stirred only briefly at the touch of Lily’s hand and her murmured greetings, then turned his head away on the pillow, as if the intrusion were too much.

  Freddy waited while she went to find a nurse and check her nephew’s progress.

  ‘He’s stable. The nurse says he had a good night,’ she reported back, her face alight with a relieved grin. ‘She said they might move him out of the ICU later.’

  Freddy watched Lily’s eyes fill with tears. ‘Thank God . . . Oh, thank bloody God, Freddy,’ she said, and reached out for him, squeezing her arms round his waist and dropping a quick kiss on his stubbly cheek.

  Which was exactly how Helen and David found them.

  *

  Freddy stood by the bus stop outside the hospital, angry and smarting from the way his sister-in-law had treated him. He told himself he understood. The journey must have been a version of hell, wondering what they might find when they got home. And obviously he wasn’t their favourite person right now. But still. Helen had greeted Lily, asked anxiously about Kit, pushed past them both to get to her son’s bedside. But not once, after registering it was Freddy, did she so much as acknowledge his presence. David had patted his arm in passing, raised his eyebrows in a form of welcome, but Helen had addressed all her remarks to Lily, as if he simply didn’t exist.

  So Freddy had left them to it. I’m still her husband, he thought resentfully, as he boarded the bus to the station. If Lily is happy to have me around, then who are they to disapprove?

  Chapter 47

  Sitting in her bedroom in an attempt to avoid another tense family supper, Lily rang Freddy. It was day three of Kit’s stay in hospital and they had talked a couple of times since Freddy’s ignominious departure from the ICU. She knew he was upset by Helen’s treatment of him, but her sister was treating Lily no better.

  Freddy answered immediately, but his tone was hardly enthusiastic. ‘How’s it going?’

  ‘Kit’s better. They say he’s not in danger any more, except from himself, perhaps.’

  ‘And how are you?’

  ‘Not great. Things between me and Helen are grim.’

  However much Lily tried to sympathize with, and support, her sister, she seemed to say the wrong thing every bloody time. Her very genuine concern about Kit just appeared to irritate Helen.

  ‘Is she angry about me?’

  ‘More baffled that I could still love you.’

  There was a silence at the other end of the phone, and Lily realized what she had just said. There had been no equivocation that time.

  Before he could speak, she rushed on, ‘It’s my relationship with Kit that really upsets her. Not that I have a relationship with him. But she seems to think I’ve stepped in and interfered, made things worse somehow. I’m being made to feel this is all my fault, Freddy, although I know perfectly well it’s not.’

  But Freddy didn’t want to talk about Kit. He said, ‘I’m so glad you still love me, Lily.’

  His words, spoken in such a gentle, respectful tone, brought tears to her eyes.

  ‘Will you come to London?’ she heard him ask.

  ‘When?’

  ‘Now.’

  Lily laughed, but felt an uncontrollable surge of joy. ‘No, not now, stupid. It’s nine o’clock at night.’

  She heard him sigh. ‘Tomorrow then?’

  ‘Okay. I’ll come tomorrow.’

  *

  David was alone in the kitchen the following morning, just after six, when Lily padded downstairs to make a cup of tea. She had spent the night thinking about her conversation with Freddy and the implications for all of them. But dithering was no longer an option.

  Her brother-in-law, mug on the table in front of him, looked up as she came in and she saw he had been deep in thought and knew pretty much what he must have been thinking about.

  ‘Early for you,’ he commented.

  ‘Yeah, not sleeping so well these days. I’m sure neither of you are, either.’

/>   He smiled. ‘Still, the worst seems to be over.’

  Lily sat down opposite him, not bothering to make any tea, and lowered her voice. ‘I’m going to London to see Freddy today.’

  David raised his shaggy eyebrows a little.

  ‘I’m thinking of giving it another go with him.’

  There was silence for a moment. ‘Okay. I’m sure Helen’s told you what she thinks of that idea.’

  ‘In no uncertain terms,’ Lily agreed.

  ‘You know she only wants what’s best for you.’

  Despite Helen’s constant sniping, Lily thought he was probably right. ‘What do you think, David?’

  His face crumpled into a considering frown. ‘I like Freddy. I think he’s got a good heart . . .’

  Lily waited for him to go on, but David just shrugged, pulling his mouth down at the corners.

  ‘You know the score, Lily. You’re not a fool.’

  Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but what did she expect? It would be a lot worse when she told the twins. Even though they, too, had liked Freddy, really liked him.

  ‘Will you keep the job with the doctor?’ David was asking.

  ‘Yes. I can do most of it online, then come up once a week, once a fortnight . . . see how it goes.’

  He nodded slowly. ‘Two pieces of advice. One, always earn your own money. Two, keep that money separate. Goes for any relationship.’

  Where I went wrong last time, she thought wryly, on both counts.

  ‘So you’re leaving today? Helen didn’t say.’

  ‘No, I’ll be home tonight.’ Although she was pretty sure she wouldn’t be. ‘I’ll text if there’s any change of plan,’ she added, bringing an amused look to David’s face. ‘You’ll take care of Helen and Kit, I know. I’m not doing such a great job of it anyway. Time to get out of your hair.’

  ‘You’re not running into Freddy’s arms because of Helen, are you?’ David was clearly concerned. ‘She’s only taking it out on you because she can. You know what she’s like.’

  She shook her head. ‘I need to resolve the thing with Freddy one way or the other. If it’s a mistake, I’ll go to Plan B.’ Although, as they were both well aware, there was no Plan B.

  ‘That’s the spirit,’ he said, reaching across to give her hand a brotherly squeeze.

  *

  Freddy met her at Paddington and they walked down past Lancaster Gate into Kensington Gardens. It was cloudy and close, the threat of rain lurking on the horizon. They didn’t hold hands, as they used to, but walked together as friends might, across the park with no particular destination in mind. And talked. That was the thing with Freddy: they were never short of things to tell each other, things to discuss.

  ‘Seems decades since we lived here,’ she said, when they sat down on a bench under the trees along the wide avenue that led to the Albert Memorial.

  ‘It’s only a summer.’

  ‘I know, but a lot has happened.’

  Freddy looked sideways at her. ‘Tell me about Oxford. Who did you meet?’

  ‘Who did I meet? No one. I wasn’t exactly in the mood for socializing, Freddy.’

  Freddy grinned. ‘Okay, I’ll ’fess up. Obviously I saw you, when I followed you, get onto the boat with the dark-haired man.’

  Lily laughed. ‘Right.’ She felt like teasing him and didn’t say any more. But the image of that night in his house, the kiss, however brief, intruded on her thoughts and she looked away.

  ‘Come on, Lily, who was he?’

  ‘Dr Kramer. I work for him. I told you about him. You ­weren’t listening.’

  ‘Ah,’ Freddy said, although he didn’t look entirely relieved. ‘You didn’t tell me he lived on a boat. I thought he was a shrink.’

  ‘He is. He writes on the boat, shrinks at his house in Jericho.’

  ‘You were in the pub with him for hours.’

  ‘So?’

  Freddy grabbed her and pulled her to him, his mouth finding hers in an anxious, frenzied . . . jealous kiss that set Lily’s head whirling and made her gasp for breath. Laughing, she sat back. ‘Whoa.’

  Freddy was looking at her questioningly, as if he wanted marks out of ten.

  Ignoring his silent appeal, she said, ‘Seth’s brilliant. He’s been so patient with my rubbish typing although, I must say, I’m pretty damn good now.’

  ‘God, Lily. You shouldn’t be typing for a living.’

  She stared at him. ‘You really don’t get it, do you? I didn’t have a Max Blackstone offering me a lucrative job and a flat.’ She heard the echoes of her sister and stopped before she said something she regretted. The spurt of anger faded as she looked into her husband’s troubled eyes.

  Freddy dropped his head into his hands. ‘How are we going to get past what I did to you, Lil? No apology will ever be enough. You must say it all, let me have both barrels, so that I know just how hard it’s been for you since I left.’

  But she couldn’t be angry to order.

  ‘Funny,’ Lily said, ‘Helen accused us of being “middle-class poor”. She was basically saying that people like us always have someone to bail us out. It didn’t feel like that when you walked out, Freddy. But of course I knew I could rely on Helen and David, or Prem and Anthony – the twins, finally – to make sure I didn’t land in the gutter. And Helen really helped me, told me exactly what I should do, even found me a job. It’s been depressing, but it’s hardly like being genuinely homeless, being on benefits, with no one to turn to who had more money or nous than me.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Lily. I told myself you were better off without me, but I never considered the detail . . . what that might mean.’

  She got up, standing in front of him and offering him her hands. ‘Okay. I could harangue you till the cows come home for how you behaved. But you seem to be well aware of your transgression. So let’s agree that you were a total shit and try to move on. Otherwise there’s no point in us being together, if all I do is give you a hard time.’

  He looked incredulous. ‘You’re giving me a massive get-out-of-jail-free card? I hardly deserve that.’

  ‘I’m not saying I’ll forget. I’m not saying I won’t be angry sometimes. I’m just saying I’ll try.’ She eyed him intently. ‘But if you gamble, Freddy March, all bets are off. I mean it.’

  He nodded, couldn’t help smiling at her choice of words. ‘I’m not gambling, Lily. Believe me, I’m really not.’

  Something had loosened between them and they set off towards Bayswater Road holding hands. Then after a while, Freddy put his arm round her shoulders. Lily felt she was moving in a sort of dream. This wasn’t real life. Real life was her nephew in hospital, her distressed sister, her typing job, her worry about money and where to live. But here she was, in Freddy-world again, where none of that was relevant. A part of her felt uneasy. A bigger part began to relax into it, to let out a huge sigh of relief.

  *

  It was mid-afternoon before Freddy opened the door to the Charlotte Street flat. They had taken the 94 bus into the West End from the park and had lunch in a small café on Beak Street, where they’d sat on stools in the window and eaten Iberico ham and rocket sandwiches on crusty sourdough bread and little Portuguese custard tarts – it had always been one of their favourite haunts.

  ‘What do you think?’ Freddy said anxiously, as they stood in the middle of the sitting room of the small flat, having done the brief tour of the two bedrooms and tiny bathroom.

  It was what it was, Lily thought. Smart, bland and uncomfortably new, designed for the top-end rental market. Not homely, but then Freddy had barely been in three weeks. ‘It’s great.’

  ‘You don’t sound sure.’ He seemed desperate she should like it.

  ‘Just a bit new, I think. But Julie has done a good job.’

  Freddy’s features relaxed. ‘Yeah, I know, a
bit like a hotel suite at the moment.’ He laughed. ‘I’m scared of eating anything in case I spill ketchup on the furniture.’

  They stood looking at each other and Lily felt her heart flutter. He raised his eyebrows. She smiled, feeling almost shy. Within seconds they were in each other’s arms. Laying his cheek against hers, dropping soft kisses on her skin, Freddy lifted her off her feet and carried her through to the bedroom. As he laid her gently on the plump duvet, which smelt box-fresh, he whispered, ‘Are you okay with this?’

  Lily didn’t answer, just brought her mouth up to his and kissed him until neither could breathe. It was a sort of heaven to be in his arms again. All her concerns about their relationship melted away as they began to make love and she felt his warm, bare skin meet hers, breathed in his clean scent, looked into his deep brown eyes, now focused on her with an intense longing she had thought she’d never see again. Lily wanted to get so close that she was part of him and him of her, her body alive to his touch, his lovemaking so sensuous and other-worldly, it was as if she were in a trance, floating above herself.

  After they both came – she for the second time – rather than pulling apart and flopping back on the pillow as they would normally, she refused to let him go, but lay against his hot skin, almost frightened to let even the cool evening air come between them.

  *

  ‘Will you stay tonight?’ Freddy asked, as she stood naked in the bathroom, peering at the shower mechanism. He reached across her and turned the chromium knob until water spurted from the huge showerhead, dousing her hair and making her gasp.

  ‘Right for hot, left for cold,’ he told her.

  ‘Maybe I should.’

  Freddy ran his hand down the length of her bare back as she stepped into the shower stall.

  ‘I’m sure Helen and David will be thrilled to have a night to themselves.’

  He was gazing at her, holding the glass door half open. ‘Live with me, Lily. Don’t go back.’

  Through the water and the steam, she met Freddy’s eyes. She was aware of the powerful pull he’d always exerted on her. It was her choice, but still she felt as if she were being gently herded down a narrow path. She pushed away her reluctance. Of course it would be strange at first, in this borrowed rental, with a man she must get to know all over again, embracing his passions, his sociability, his high-octane work. She had got used to another sort of life, a quieter, more measured rhythm that she had come to enjoy, were it not for the uncomfortable dependency on her sister and brother-in-law’s goodwill. But her head was no match for her heart.