A Farmer's Christmas

by Lilliana Rose

  Raven had given up a lot to live with him on impulse. He didn’t want to let her down in any way. It felt like he was doing just that. Plus, he was sensing that maybe things were becoming a little strained between Raven and his mom. That was another issue that would need to be sorted. Where was his mom going to live? He had naïvely hoped they would both get on fabulously. Maybe they would in time? It had barely been three months. It wasn’t enough time to cross that option off as a possibility. The bottom line was that Ben wasn’t sure what to do. It was great having Raven around, and he didn’t want to kick out his mom since she’d aged a lot in the last few years since his father’s death. This was her home. He also knew that if things worked between him and Raven, and he was sure it would, then it would be their home. How was he going to find the balance between how things were to how they needed to change?

  He finished the round, and without thinking, began another. His saving grace right now was that he had plenty of time to think.

  The knots of guilt twisted tight as Raven drove into Keith. It wasn’t like her to speak the way she had to Janette. The words had been out, and she’d stormed into the house before her conscience caught up with her. By then, it was too late. That, and the strong desire to get off the farm and go into Keith for some human contact even if she spoke to no one ensured she grabbed her handbag and marched to her car parked in one of the unused old sheds on the property. She had to get out. The view might be inspiring, but the loneliness felt like a cage.

  Not use to the unsealed roads and driving the base model white Hyundai Elantra, now covered in a layer of dust, her speed was well under the limit. When going into Keith with Ben or Janette, she would clutch on to the side of the seat not sure she’d get there in one piece based on how fast they drove. Ben, in particular, was a bit of a lead foot behind the wheel. She didn’t want to risk her car. If things got really bad, she had been considering selling her car. Or would returning to Adelaide be a better option? She wasn’t sure. While she’d first met Ben three years ago, their agreement of a yearly affair at the Royal Show had developed into something more lasting. Right now, it was being tested, which was too much for a new relationship between them. Was the pull of attraction still there between them? She hoped so.

  Raven parked her car on the street across from Bean and got out, taking her laptop bag with her. A freak gust of hot wind blasted her, filled with a lot of dust. It felt like the grains were being embedded into her skin. She held her breath until the wind died down, turning her head away to stop from breathing in too much of the dust. Then she glanced right, then left, to make sure there was no traffic, even though she was sure there wasn’t going to be. The trucks transporting grain this time of year did seem to rattle along the road faster than they should.

  She crossed the old bitumen road, vying her favorite seat out front. She pushed on the heavy wooden door, dark green paint peeling off, and stepped inside. There were a variety of different size tables set up inside, all of them empty. This time of year, Bean did more takeaway meals and coffees, so Anne had told her. A few of the people from town would come in for lunch, but she was an hour too early for that.

  “Raven, good to see you today,” said Anne as she looked up from polishing a spoon with a tea towel. She smiled broadly as she stood up from the stool behind the counter. She wore denim shorts and a red checkered shirt.

  “Usual?”

  “Thanks.” Raven went to get out her purse.

  “Shhh, on the house.” Anne winked.

  “You sure?” After how rude she’d been to Anne’s mom this morning, Raven didn’t think she deserved any favors. Would my business work? It might have more of a chance in Adelaide. Not for the first time this morning her thoughts turned back to the city life she was used to and comfortable with.

  “Yes.” She moved her head to the door. “Go sit at your favorite seat, and I’ll bring it out to you. Boss is out, so this is the best time to do this. As you can see, it’s not a busy time.”

  “Thank you.” Raven was very grateful. Buying a coffee every time she came to town was adding up. There was the local library she could go to, and the more she looked at her bank account, the more she began to think that was going to be the only option, that or not even coming into town. For now, she had to go into town to see that there were other people living on the earth. And today, she was getting a coffee. It was lucky for her that this one was going to be ‘on the house.’

  Raven went outside, sat at her favorite table—the one second from the end—facing along the main street toward the farm, and got out her laptop. Another good thing coming to Bean was the internet connection was a lot better than on the farm. She set up her laptop and began opening a design to work on while she waited for her coffee. It was hard to concentrate. Her mind was a beehive of thoughts that were going nowhere. Could she live on a farm? Not see Ben as much as she’d want? And then, could she live in the same house as his mom? It had been a little weird at first, then Raven had gotten over that feeling, and now she was just plain frustrated.

  At least Anne had the right idea of living in town. She’d managed to scrape together a deposit, bought a small house, and was living there with her boyfriend, Kane, who was the local mechanic.

  That’s what I need—my own space.

  Raven looked around her and realized the irony of the thought. There was more than enough space out here.

  Perhaps that was the real issue, she mused.

  “Here you go.” Anne set a large mug of coffee to the side of Raven’s laptop.

  “Thanks.”

  Anne sat on the opposite chair, crossed her tanned legs, her dirty work boots looking out of place for someone who was a waitress. She held her coffee chest height and looked directly at Raven.

  “You work too hard, you know,” Anne blurted out.

  “I’m starting my own business. I have to,” Raven shot back. She didn’t mean to be so sharp with her response.

  “It’s nearly Christmas, give it a break.”

  “This is a time when I can get ahead.”

  “Is it working?” Raven rolled her lips together. Anne was touching a raw nerve. “I didn’t think so.”

  “Hey, I hadn’t answered.”

  “You didn’t need to. Your silence spoke loudly.”

  “If I keep at it, I’ll get there. I have to keep working.” That’s the last thing that she wanted to do. What would she do with all the extra time she’d have? It wasn’t as if Ben were around. And she was hopeless on the farm. She had no idea what needed to be done, so she couldn’t even help out. She did know how to collect the eggs, but then his mom usually had the job done before she remembered to go out herself. She felt useless, like a burden.

  “Who knows, you might get a burst of creativity after a break. Christmas is a good time for that. So why don’t you shut down your laptop?”

  Something cracked inside of Raven, and the words she was too scared to speak tumbled out. “What the hell would I do then? It’s not like I have friends to hang with, and I don’t know what to do on the farm, so I’m useless there, and well, your mom has everything sorted in the kitchen.”

  “I’m your friend, so you’re wrong there.” Her tone was gentle as she spoke.

  “That’s not what I meant.” Raven could feel the emotion boiling inside of her.

  Anne’s eyes soften. “I’m sure Mom wouldn’t mind if you cooked a meal now and then.”

  “It’s her kitchen.” Raven realized that even if things did work out with Ben, it would always be Janette’s kitchen, her home. Never hers. Her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked quickly willing them to go away and not spill out to show how she was really feeling. She didn’t want to offend Anne or her family, but fuck, it was all getting too much, and she was beginning to feel like she was about to spiral out of control.

  Anne leaned forward and put her hand on Raven’s bare arm. “It is, but she’ll let you use it, sometimes, and that’s all that matters. She might not let on,
but she would also enjoy the night off occasionally. You just need to be prepared for that.”

  A lump formed in Raven’s throat, and she couldn’t speak. For the first time, she was beginning to see a different perspective of her situation.

  “It’s not ideal now, but come the new year when harvest and the Christmas crazy rush is over, why not join a club or two?”

  “What, like a craft club, do a bit of bitching and stitching?” Raven hadn’t even considered a craft—it wasn’t what she did. Sure, she could draw, paint a little. After all, she was a graphic designer, but most of her work was done on the computer. Could she try something new?

  Anne laughed, leaning back in her chair. “Or the football club if that’s what you want.”

  “I’ll stick with the craft.”

  “See, not that hard.”

  “Hmmm, I’m not so sure about that.”

  “Hey, you’ve come out here for Ben, and you’re the one having to make all the changes, but he’ll see it.” A shadow crossed Anne’s face. “Unless you don’t think it’s worth it.”

  The thought of it not being worth it felt suffocating to Raven. She looked away from her to hide her face and the tears threatening to spill. Anne’s words were harsh. They hit the nerve and brought all the thoughts she didn’t want in her mind to the surface for consideration.

  “Anne, does your boss know you’re out here?” asked a middle-aged woman as she approached the two women. Raven knew the lady was Anne’s boss, and she’d just been busted for not working.

  “Gene, don’t you go sacking me, now.” Anne quickly got up. “I better get back to polishing the silverware.” She smiled at Raven, paused, leaned closer, lowing her voice. “You’ll work it out.”

  “Anne, I’m not paying you to be this social,” grumbled Gene as she pushed the front door of Bean and stepped inside.

  “Coming.” She rushed back inside, leaving Raven sitting alone.

  Raven wiped the corner of her eyes and turned her computer off. Three months in, and she wasn’t about to go back to Adelaide and say this hadn’t worked out, but it was getting more and more tempting to do so. There were two loud questions in her head, which she had no clue of the answers.

  Is Ben worth it? Are we worth it?

  Raven slammed shut her laptop. Anne was right. A break would be a good idea. She figured the mini-holiday would only be over Christmas and New Years, then she could get back into premade logo designs and do some word-of-mouth advertising on social media to help get her business off the ground.

  It was time she faced whatever it was that was scaring her by allowing herself to take a break. She figured the fear was due to two reasons. First, if her business failed, then she’d have no income here, and the thought of what she’d do then was daunting. Second, she didn’t want to confront the loneliness she felt away from her friends and family. With the approach of Christmas, she didn’t want to face either, but she knew with a twist in her belly that it was time to. Then, there was the real root of her fear. If she had more time to think, she’d drive herself crazy wondering if Ben was ever going to find time for her anytime soon. It worried her that she might crack, throw in the towel, head back to Adelaide, and end up having Christmas all alone this year.

  She sipped her coffee while looking down the main street. Cars drove along, some of the drivers waved at her even though she didn’t know who they were. Most people seemed to know her—Ben’s girlfriend. The times she’d been in Keith having coffee, everyone had been friendly to her as if welcoming her into the community. Coming from the city, she wasn’t used to such behavior. There was a lot out here that she wasn’t used to. Raven realized she hadn’t actually gotten out enough to meet the locals and get to know anyone. Sure, there’d been the handful of occasions when Ben had taken her out on a date to the local pub for a meal, so she’d met a few people then. It had been such a blur, and she’d not considered a pub meal a date, especially when they were interrupted by people the entire time. All she’d focused on was her business and time with Ben.

  What sort of club could I join out here?

  She wasn’t sure that’s what she wanted to do, but she did recognize it was another very good suggestion from Anne. Raven wanted to be here for the long term. She wasn’t aiming for a short time with Ben—not since they admitted the strong attraction they had for each other, and their fling had developed into a relationship.

  Maybe there’s an art group? Or drawing or something?

  Then she had the crazy idea that if there weren’t one, maybe she could start one.

  But who would come? I don’t know anyone.

  Her thoughts were racing, and she forced herself to take a slow, deep breath. First, she needed to find out if there were an art group in town, or what other groups were around that might appeal to her.

  She finished her coffee and glanced at her cell to check the time. It was nearly one o’clock. It was also getting a lot warmer outside, even for her. She thought she heard something about a fire ban starting today on the radio that was filtering out from the café. A vague recollection that it could mean Ben might have to come in from the paddocks caused her to want to at least be on the farm if that were the case. But, considering how rude she’d been this morning to Janette, she didn’t want to go back to the farm yet. There was no reason to stay here in town. She put her laptop in its carry bag and slung it over her shoulder. As she turned to leave, she noticed a collection of notices stuck to Bean café’s glass window. She leaned in and read them.

  Raven smiled. There were a few groups advertising meet times for the new year. There were possibilities. She mentally crossed off going along to darts on Tuesday evenings at the pub, though she might give it a go if she got really bored being on the farm. A craft group, Busy Bees, caught her interest. They did a different craft idea each month, and that appealed to her creative mind. It would be good to learn new techniques as well as meeting people. She just hoped there were going to be a few people her age who attended.

  Raven took a photo of the printed A4 sign of the upcoming meeting times and activities for the first three months of next year. She also noted that there were a couple of dates with TBA—to be advised—next to them.

  Perhaps I could do a painting class or two. The idea sat well in her belly. Raven began to feel her usual confident mojo return. All she needed to do was to turn up with an open mind, and she could do that.

  Feeling more relaxed, she decided to go back to the farm. She’d rather try to smooth things over with Janette sooner than later. If I can.

  Raven wasn’t sure about offering to cook a meal or two to help Janette, but she figured it might be a sort of olive branch approach she could do that might work.

  What would I cook?

  That was if Janette actually would let Raven cook in her kitchen.

  I’m not the best cook either.

  Raven got in her car and started driving. She figured if she kept it simple, maybe a Waldorf salad with lamb and mint sausages from the local butcher, she could pull off a meal and not make too much of a mess in Janette’s kitchen. Determination bubbled inside of her. Anne had somehow said the right things to get her motivated again. Things weren’t going to work with Ben if she weren’t trying. She just hoped that this was going to be enough.

  Raven parked her car back in the shed and waited a moment for the dust to settle before getting out. The cat, Rex, sat on a bale of hay to the side licking his paw as if he’d just had a meal.

  She grabbed her laptop bag and purse and then walked to the house. Janette was outside hanging a load of washing. Raven cringed when she saw her knickers hanging on the line.

  “You didn’t have to do my washing, Janette,” Raven tried to keep her voice polite. She didn’t like the idea that Janette had been in her room. Raven liked to keep things neat, so all her dirty washing had been put in a wash basket she kept in the corner of the room she and Ben shared, but still, she did like her privacy. She and Ben were always discreet, cons
idering how hot things had been between them when they met up at the show which hadn’t always been easy.

  “It’s no trouble at all.” Janette smiled at her from behind a towel. “It’s good drying weather. These will all be inside, ironed, and dried before dark.”

  “But I’m making more work for you,” said Raven trying to be diplomatic in her approach with Janette. Not like this morning.

  “Pfft. You’re no work at all.” Janette stepped to the side and took another damp towel from the basket and pegged it to the clothesline that stood to the side of the open backyard. “You’ve got your business work to do, so I thought if I did your washing, then you’d get more done.”

  Raven’s heart squeezed with guilt. “Thank you.” She resisted the urge to go inside and get working on designs right there and then. “I need to earn my keep here, so I thought that maybe I could do some of the cooking… maybe make the evening meal once or twice a week?”

  “Don’t be silly. You don’t need to make a meal to earn your keep around here. You’ve made my Ben a happy man. That’s all I want.”

  Raven felt her cheeks flush with heat. Have we been discrete enough? At least they were never caught ‘in the act’ by Janette.

  “I mean he’s happier generally having you in his life. When he asked if you could move in, I wasn’t so sure. I hadn’t even met you. But then I saw how his face lit up when he mentioned you, I had to say yes.”

  Raven hadn’t known Ben had asked his mom if she could move in. Things had happened so quickly, she’d just assumed Ben had told her instead of asking for permission. It warmed her heart to think he’d respected his mom like that.

  “I need to do some of the workload around here. Besides, I’m going to have a break from my designing in the lead-up to Christmas, and who knows when I’ll see Ben again, he’s so busy with the harvest.” The words flooded out as if knowing that Janette had agreed she could live here broke some of the tension between them.