Bartlet nodded and took it. “Wait for a reply?”
Colin shook his head. “If he wants to reply, he will make it happen.”
Again came the nod, and Bartlet bowed with a sharp click of his heels and disappeared.
Colin shook his head and went back to his study, grateful that the children were in lessons and Kit had gone out. He was a mess at the moment, going to extreme lengths just to settle his own nerves and conscience. It was hardly the behavior of a gentleman, and there would be no explaining this all to Kit. If there was anything that the Gerrard twins had in common, looks aside, it was their decidedly gentlemanly traits. There might be rumors and mystery, and a good bit of eccentricity to make things interesting, but no one would ever deny that they were both gentlemen. To their faces, at least. Who could tell what was said in the forgotten corners of drawing rooms and ballrooms of London?
He sank his head into his hands with a groan. He was going to go mad.
Colin did not recognize himself anymore.
He stood by what he had said all along, that he had no idea what he was doing. He was just as clueless now as he had been from the very beginning. He knew he was going to help Susannah in whatever way he could. He knew he would do everything in his power to help her son.
He knew he needed to have her in his life.
And therein lay his greatest danger.
There was a very real probability that this was no mere friendship rekindling. The feelings were too deep, too intense, too hungry to ever be anything less than… than…
Saints above. He was in love.
With her.
Again.
“Oh, lord,” he muttered, eyes wide, shaking his head. He sat back into his chair with a snort, feeling completely ridiculous at his sudden epiphany.
But he knew it was true. He couldn’t deny that any more than he could refrain from letting a wild, breathless grin spread across his face.
Well, how exactly was he going to explain this?
Chapter Twelve
Mad, mad, mad, mad…”
Susannah shook her head as she hurried towards the Gerrard house in Bruton Street. There was no reason in the world why she should still be clinging to this mad fantasy of Colin, letting him bring her closer and closer, all the while knowing she should be fleeing in the opposite direction. For his own good. But she couldn’t resist him, not now, not ever. He had always had power over her and she was just weak enough to submit.
For now.
The memory of his kisses the day before still seared her lips, and she smiled to herself yet again. What wild and reckless feelings had surged within her then, making her bold and brave, pressing herself more tightly against him, clutching his clothing like a madwoman in her passion. There had been no thought or logic in it, only the heady sensation of his very essence swirling around her, through her, stealing the very breath from her lungs…
She faltered slightly as she lost her footing, her heart racing far too unsteadily. She cleared her throat and forced her mind into safer paths. Colin Gerrard was dangerous in general, and for her in particular. The more time she spent with him, the more dangerous the situation became.
Which made her actions now entirely idiotic. Imagine, going to his house to meet his sisters and to spend more time with him, knowing their relationship was changing more and more every day, and knowing how she longed to be in his arms again. Everything made perfect sense there, and what did not make sense was simply not there. No evil existed, no fear prevailed.
But the harsh reality of her life crashed down more painfully about her ears when those moments ended.
And she was determined to keep a level head.
She bit her lip as she looked up at the house. It was far easier to say such things than it was to do them.
She had avoided this for as long as possible, knowing it would be harder to turn back once this began. London was far and away safer, as a whole, than Colin’s home and Colin’s family. She could hardly maintain an appropriate distance when she was enveloped within his life.
After what she had allowed, and enjoyed, yesterday, there was very little distance anywhere he was concerned.
She shouldn’t be doing this. Her business with Mr. Jacobs had not gone well, and she could not afford distractions. Her family needed money badly, and she had very little to share as yet. Charity of the family neighbors would only go so far. She ought to be finishing her work from the modiste, and finding other small tasks she could do while staying with Lady Cavendish. Anything to earn money.
Not spending her free time for exquisite moments of sweetness with a man she could never have.
She was shown into the house at once and her things were taken by a rather somber-faced butler, who then handed them off to a pair of apparently fatigued maids. He then directed her to the back terrace, where both Misters Gerrard were currently situated, and where children were playing. Susannah wanted to ask questions, but uneasiness oozed from the butler as if it were cologne. She felt bad for the man, sensing that order and composure were essential not only to his position but to his nature. Such an upheaval of normalcy must have been very distressing for him.
And it appeared that the newest Gerrard siblings, for all that Colin sang their praises, had not won over the entire household.
Outside, she saw Freddie running around with three little girls, one of whom wore a blindfold and was trying desperately to chase the others. All four were laughing uproariously, and Freddie and another girl were helping the youngest to evade the blindfolded one. When she nearly caught the youngest again, but missed, they all laughed once more. Freddie and the other girl helped the little one onto his back, shushing each other as they did so.
“Careful now,” an older woman called in a pleasant tone as she watched from one side of the green. That had to be Mrs. Creighton, from the fond, yet protective way she observed them.
“What are they doing?” the blindfolded girl demanded, reaching for her eyes.
“Don’t!” the other children shrieked, still laughing.
“Rosie, don’t cheat!” her sister insisted.
“If you are tricking me, Bitty…” she warned, leaving the blindfold where it was.
“Just play!” Freddie yelled, adjusting the smallest onto his back more securely.
Susannah stepped forward and cleared her throat. “Freddie, be nice,” she scolded, though she was smiling all the same.
All present turned to look at her in surprise. Freddie grinned and waved gaily, then quickly replaced his hand on the small girl he bore on his back. The girls looked confused, and the blindfolded one pushed the fabric up to look at her.
“This is a surprise,” Colin said, coming towards her from where he and Kit had been watching on one side of the terrace. “We were not expecting you for a while yet.”
Susannah shrugged, unable to help smiling warmly at him. “Lady Cavendish is visiting friends this morning and had no use for me. I thought I would come early.”
Colin grinned and gently took her arm. “I’m glad for that.”
Her cheeks warmed under his earnest gaze, and his eyes danced at it. He turned a bit so Kit might see her.
“Good morning, Kit,” Susannah murmured, curtseying in greeting.
Kit curved a half smile and bowed. “Susannah, a pleasure, as always. Should we interrupt the game for introductions?”
She waved a hand and laughed. “Let them play, for heaven’s sake. Only tell me who they are, and I shall get to know them later.”
Colin squeezed her arm softly and Kit nodded, apparently ignorant as to his brother’s actions. Kit turned and pointed at each girl in turn. “The tall one is Rosie, she is nine. Then Bitty, over there by Freddie, she’s six. And last is Ginny, on Freddie’s back, she is three. Girls, this is Susannah, a very old friend, and Freddie’s mother.”
They greeted her in chorus, though Ginny looked uncertain about it.
Bitty put her hands on her hips and looked Susannah over specu
latively, then turned to Kit. “She’s not very old, Kit. That wasn’t nice.”
Kit looked back at Susannah with a bemused smile, shaking his head, then turned to face the children once more. “I meant that we have been friends for a very long time, Bitty, not that she was old.”
Her mouth formed a silent O and Rosie rolled her eyes with a laugh.
“Not to be impolite or anything,” Rosie called, putting her hands back onto her blindfold, “but can we get on with our game?”
Colin chuckled and said, “Yes, Rosie, if you call your random flailing about a game.”
She made a face at him and was quick to right her blindfold and set after the others with a roar.
Susannah rapped Colin sharply with a laugh. “You should be nice too,” she scolded.
He grinned at that. “Going to punish me, as well, Mother?”
She scoffed and looked at Kit, watching them with real interest. “They are beautiful girls,” she told them both. “And just as I imagined them, from how Freddie talks about them.”
“Bitty is the little mother of the group,” Kit explained as he turned to lean on the balustrade and watch the game. “She wants us all to be nice all the time, and points out any impoliteness. As you can imagine, she has quite a time with Colin.”
Susannah snickered, which earned her a mock severe look from Colin.
“Ginny is shy,” Colin took over, moving to the terrace railing once more, “and it is nearly impossible to get her to speak more than a few words at a time, even to Kit and me. But she makes her point well enough.”
Kit snorted softly in agreement.
Susannah watched the two brothers as they considered the children. Their warmth and genuine affection for their sisters was plainly evident, and they could not seem to help smiling as they spoke about each. She wouldn’t have thought these two, knowing them as she once had, would ever have been so soft-hearted towards three little girls, but the proof was before her.
“And Rosie,” Kit said, looking at his brother mischievously, “is a handful. Rambunctious and daring…”
“Sweet and stubborn,” Colin added.
“Outspoken and headstrong,” Kit finished. “In a word, she is…”
“Colin,” he and Susannah said at the same time.
Colin looked mock-outraged as the other two laughed heartily. “I beg your pardon!” he said, looking between the two.
Susannah wiped at the tears of mirth. “Oh, Colin, she is your very likeness. Are you sure she isn’t yours?”
Kit scoffed loudly and covered his mouth at once.
Colin glowered at them both. “Positive. And that joke is getting really old.”
They all continued to watch the children for a bit, when Susannah suddenly noticed something about her son. Not just something, but something rather important and almost shocking as he ran around gleefully with the girls.
“Wait, wait,” she said, interrupting whatever Colin had been saying. “What is Freddie wearing?”
The men said nothing.
She looked more closely, and sure enough, he was wearing new clothing, of a far better quality than he had worn since his early days at Pavel House. And not only was he wearing them, he was romping in them. Getting them dirty. Completely at ease in them.
“Where did Freddie get new clothes?” she asked, whirling to face Colin. “How much did you spend on him, Colin? Why would you exert yourself like that? I never intended for you to have to go that far for him, it was enough that he should be tended to, but to provide him with such excesses? Colin…”
“Don’t yell at me,” Colin said, raising his hands defensively and shaking his head with a smile. “That was entirely Kit.”
Susannah turned in surprise to Kit, who was smiling without shame.
“Kit?” she asked softly, completely baffled now.
He shrugged, still smiling. “We couldn’t have a pretend Gerrard not matching the real ones, now could we?”
She swallowed with great difficulty. “I will never be able to repay you.”
“Who is asking you to?” Colin murmured behind her.
Kit nodded in agreement. “Call it our dues, Susannah. We are happy to do this and more, without question. And without restitution.” His last words were said with a very severe look of warning at her.
She could only nod, tears welling in her eyes, her chest beginning to burn with emotion.
Kit smiled and put a hand on her arm, which she covered with her own. Colin encircled her shoulder with his arm and pulled her in close. “Don’t cry,” he murmured with a soft laugh. “You’ll set Bitty off, and then Ginny will cry because Bitty is, and then Rosie will yell, and all hell will break loose.”
Susannah managed a watery chuckle and dabbed at her eyes quickly. “I’m sorry,” she said, finding a handkerchief suddenly at her disposal. “It’s just too much…”
“Stop that,” Colin insisted. “You heard Kit, we’re happy to do this and more. And you know I always agree when Kit is working in my interest.”
They all laughed and continued watching the children until they were exhausted from the game. She met Mrs. Creighton and found her to be far more suited to the eccentricities of the house than any other woman she had ever met. She handled the children, and the grown men, with ease and candor that was refreshing and amusing, and never so much as batted an eyelash when Ginny ducked under the table at luncheon to hide.
“Someone slide her plate down there, if you would be so kind,” she had simply asked the others. “She throws the most frightful tempers when she is hungry.”
Colin seemed to sense Susannah’s awe and amusement, for his eyes met hers with a knowing light on a regular basis. He always seemed to be on the edge of laughter, and she wondered what it had to be like to live in such a joyful place.
The girls themselves were delightful, if a bit overwhelming. Bitty wanted to show her the new song she was learning, but there was no pianoforte yet, at which point she glared viciously at her brothers, who looked sheepish. Rosie animatedly described the book she was currently reading, with some help from Freddie, who seemed to view all of the girls with a wondrous sort of amusement and delight. She had always wanted siblings for her son, but not as things had stood before, and not with his father, or in that life.
But this was perfect for him.
Even Ginny had warmed to Susannah by the end of her visit, sitting on her lap and chattering away as they played with two of her stuffed dolls. She had not needed to see the openly gaping expressions of Ginny’s siblings to know that this was a rare thing indeed. And she had nearly cried again when the sweet child yawned and cuddled against her for warmth.
All too soon, it was time to return to Lady Cavendish, and extensive farewells were required, along with a promise for a quick return and a storytelling next time. Colin offered to walk her home, and she was only too delighted to accept the invitation. As charming and warm as she found his family to be, she wanted to have time with him as well. Alone.
“I cannot imagine anyone being so well received by my sisters,” Colin praised as they walked. “You were the epitome of a triumphant success!”
Susannah smiled and gave him a wry look. “Oh, I imagine Tibby does better with them than I.”
He shook his head immediately. “No, they are fascinated and terrified by Tibby and are more like her puppies than anything else. You were their friend and their playmate and their confidante… Susannah, you were the closest thing they have had to a mother since they lost theirs.”
She sighed and had to look up at the sky to avoid tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Why in the world are you sorry for that?” he asked, stepping closer so their arms would brush.
“I didn’t mean to become so attached.” She shook her head, forcing the tears back. “I know how hard it must be for them, adjusting to life here without her, and then to have someone else come in and make things muddled and confusing…”
“Sweetheart, I couldn’t be more deli
ghted by what just happened,” he gently overrode. “I am glad for it. Beyond glad. And so is Kit, if you could not tell.”
She looked up at him with a frown. “No, I’m sure you are wrong.”
“I am positive I am right,” he insisted. “He has not smiled that much in one day in years. He adores the girls and anything that makes them happy makes him happy. We try our best to fill the gaps in their life, Susannah, but we are two bachelors with no idea of anything much. The cards are stacked against them. You brought light into their day, and we are all desperate for more.”
It was too much, too difficult to breathe in the idea of more with him, with them. She exhaled a dry, half sob and put a hand to her chest looking away. Faintly, she wished that Lady Cavendish lived closer, not for nearer proximity to Colin, but for a quicker escape. Her heart could not take these glimpses into a heaven she had craved so desperately her entire life.
“Is it too much?” he asked softly, still too close for her sanity.
She nodded rapidly, her breathing beginning to settle. “I loved every moment of today, Colin. I am sure I won’t be so overwhelmed once I get used to it. I just… I never thought I would have this. Even for a day.”
Colin groaned and moved to pull her into his arms, but she hastily skittered back, holding up a hand.
“We are in public,” she laughed, giving him an apologetic smile. “Though I appreciate the thought.”
He looked disconcerted, but he dropped his arms, his hands becoming fists, and he nodded. “How is life with Lady Cavendish?” he asked, his voice carefully polite as he continued walking.
She smiled in relief, and in amusement. “It’s wonderful, now that you mention it. But I am entirely useless to her.”
He gave her a look. “I refuse to believe that.”
“I’m not being self-deprecating!” she insisted with a laugh. “I mean she literally has no use for me. I see no reason why Lady Cavendish has a need for a companion at all. She has many friends, rarely sits down for more than ten minutes, and is not at all interested in slowing with age.”
The Burdens of a Bachelor (Arrangements, Book 5) Page 14