He nodded. “Very. I miss Mama.”
Colin smiled and put his hand on the boy’s back. “I know you do.” An errant thought prodded him, and before he could quash it, he said, “Freddie, what is your last name?”
Freddie became thoughtful, then shook his head. “I don’t know.”
Colin frowned and leaned a bit closer. “What do you mean you don’t know?”
Freddie heaved a sigh. “We’ve had so many last names, I don’t know which one it is now. I used to be Master Frederick or Master Freddie, but that was a long time ago.” He looked up at him. “Is that all right?”
Colin immediately smiled. “Of course it is, my friend. I was only asking. Look, isn’t that your mother?”
Freddie brightened and dashed forward at once.
Colin exhaled slowly. Freddie’s answer unsettled him. Too many unanswered questions, even for the boy. He would never pressure him, he was not that ruthless. But to be addressed as such at one time could indicate a certain level of wealth or prosperity.
What implications could that have for their current situation?
He shook his head and smiled at the joyous reunion before him, and eased his way over to them, careful to not intrude on their moment.
Susannah smiled warmly at him when he approached, and the burst of heat in his chest echoed it.
“Good day, Colin,” she said, ruffling Freddie’s hair. “I hear you have been teaching pall-mall today.”
He grinned. “Indeed, we have. And Freddie was most distressed at the slow speed of our instruction.”
“Mama, Rosie took forever,” Freddie said, gripping at her skirt. “I thought we would never get back to my turn.”
Susannah smiled and brushed his hair back. “I am sure Rosie was doing her best, love, same as you were. I saw a very lovely pond not far from here, shall we go see it?”
Freddie nodded and ran on ahead of them.
Colin chuckled as he and Susannah fell in behind him. “Does he run everywhere?”
Susannah smiled and shook her head. “He certainly does it a great deal. Everything must be done straightaway, as soon as possible, whether it is walking or reading or eating.”
Colin nudged her with his shoulder. “Reminds me of someone else I know…”
Susannah pushed back at him. “Oh, stop that. I was never so hasty.”
“You were!” he insisted. “We ran absolutely everywhere, I was panting like mad every time I went back to the house. You try hiding such physical distress from Aunt Agatha.”
Susannah giggled and looked up at him. “You never complained at the time.”
He shrugged lightly. “It never bothered me that much. I didn’t care if I ran to France and back, so long as I was with you.”
She smiled in a bemused sort of way, having grown used to his referencing the past in such terms, and it no longer made her blush. “We were inseparable, weren’t we?”
He nodded, holding her gaze steadily. “And delighted to be so.”
Her fingers brushed against his lightly as they walked, and his skin burned with it as if by flame. She must have felt the same, for she gasped softly and stepped a little away. He tamped down the urge to bring her closer, and was profoundly grateful when Freddie called out to them about ducks in the pond.
Soon enough, however, they were alone again as Freddie wanted to explore the entire outskirts of the pond. Colin sent the footman to follow and he and Susannah walked along the edges slowly, reminiscing about their glorious summers of youth at Seabrook. Stories and memories he had not thought of for years and years were suddenly fresh and bright in his mind. Names and faces of villagers and short-lived friends sprang into recollection, as if the days had been weeks ago and not decades.
Her hand absently brushed his again, and this time he captured it in his. Her breath caught on whatever she had been saying, he had long lost track. Other memories had started to blossom in his mind, one of which was suddenly brilliantly before him.
On a day just as fresh and cool as this one, near a body of water somewhat larger than this pond, he had walked with her just as he did now. And he had taken her hand, just as he had it now. And after that…
Susannah stopped, looking down at their joined hands, her breathing unsteady.
Colin looked around quickly, scanning the relative seclusion of their location, and decided it was not enough. He tugged Susannah quickly behind him into a small stand of trees nearby, giving them the perfect obscurity from anyone else.
No less sensitive to her touch, Colin swallowed hastily as her fingers curved in his hold. He set her before him, her back to a tree to further shelter her from any other eyes, and looked at her.
Her eyes were lowered, apparently still fixed on their hands, and her chest moved rapidly with unsteady breaths that he faintly echoed. She was beautiful, in the most healthy and purest of ways. The natural curve of her cheek was perfect, the exact color of her complexion divine, and she had the most adorable ears he had ever seen.
He could have stared at her for ages of time and never seen enough of her.
As if time were repeating itself, that lock of hair of hers broke free and danced across her face. Helpless against the temptation, Colin reached out and tucked it behind her ear, taking the same opportunity to stroke her cheek softly, just as he had done then. This time, however, he waited. He caressed her cheek over and over until she raised her eyes to his, her face the slightest bit flushed.
He drew his fingers down to her chin, his thumb dipping ever so slightly beneath her bottom lip.
She stilled beneath his touch, her eyes fixed on him.
His heart was the only thing he could feel, pounding an unsteady beat against his ribs.
A soft breath passed her lips, tingling against his fingers.
He matched it and ducked his head to press his lips to hers, gentle and sweet, again as in the past. But it was so much more now. “Better than I remember,” he murmured, his lips grazing hers with his words.
“Definitely better,” she replied faintly, tilting her head up to kiss him again.
Encouraged, he took the kiss deeper, his hand sliding to the back of her head, her hands fisting into his jacket, and suddenly it was as though the past never happened. There was no pain, no resentment, no question, just this extraordinary woman in his arms. She sighed against him then, as if she felt it too, her hands pulling him closer. His heart surged at her response, and though he kept his attentions light and caressing, the feelings coursing through him were anything but.
When they finally broke apart with faint gasps, they stared at each other, breathing heavily. Then Colin swallowed hard. “I had no idea,” he rasped.
“Of what?” Susannah asked, her voice hoarse, her hands still at his sides.
He shook his head. “No idea… how long I have wanted to do just that.”
Susannah’s eyes took on a light that made him feel weak. “Me neither.” She exhaled sharply and stepped safely out of his embrace, her color delightfully heightened, her eyes averted.
Colin smiled at it. She had been the same way after he had kissed her fifteen years ago, suddenly shy and retreating.
He was not about to let her retreat now. He kept his hold on her hand and when it became evident he would not relinquish it, she sighed and shook her head, allowing him to lead her into a slow and leisurely walk once more.
But he caught the curve of her smile that she attempted to hide.
And it made his grin impossible to remove.
Eventually, they were fit to converse again, and he let her go on as if they had not shared the most stirring kiss of his life. She spoke of her new position and how easy Lady Cavendish was to please.
“She enjoys being read to, but it usually ends with her wanting to debate whatever the author says, or reminds her of a story from the days of her youth.” Susannah laughed and gave Colin a gleeful grin. “There are some stories, Mr. Gerrard, that would shock even you.”
He chuckled. “
I do not doubt it, particularly if she was friends with Tibby in her younger years.”
Susannah narrowed her eyes and looked up at him. “I have yet to meet her, you know. I am inclined to think you made her up.”
“Not even I could make up such a person. I shall have to introduce you soon.”
She smiled softly. “I would like that very much. I owe her a great debt of gratitude.”
He shook his head at once. “She won’t see it that way. You’ll just have to be forever in awe of her like the rest of us. And once she’s brought you into her circle, there is no escaping it.”
She laughed and looked across the pond at where Freddie was explaining something to the footman, who was doing his best to keep his composure. “I don’t think I would want to leave it, to tell you the truth. I don’t want to leave any of this.”
Colin watched her for a long moment, different responses and questions and thoughts whirling around him. “I want you to meet my sisters,” he said suddenly.
Susannah turned in surprise. “What? Why?”
“Because…” He trailed off, fumbling for the words he hadn’t articulated in his mind yet. “Because it’s time. Your son plays with them, no doubt he tells you stories, so I think you should.”
“Colin…” she murmured uncertainly, trying again to remove her hand from his.
He took it more firmly in both of his. “I want you to, Susannah. I want… I want you to be in their lives.”
She bit her lip, and her blue-green eyes blinked rapidly. “I’m not sure that is a good idea.”
He straightened and released her hand slowly. “You’re right,” he sighed.
Her jaw tightened. “Am I?”
He nodded once and continued to walk, clasping his hands behind his back. She trotted after him and was immediately back at his side, looking curious. “Yes,” he told her. “If they knew who I spend my time with when it is not them, the person who occupies more and more of my thoughts every day, the reason I am becoming more and more absent… Why, they would get so jealous, and then you would feel guilty, and spend more time with them and less time with me, and that does not suit me at all.”
Her mouth popped open and he grinned mischievously. He picked up her hand and kissed it once, lingering.
She swallowed once, then again, her throat working to speak. Finally, she said, “You are far too persuasive for your own good.”
“I know,” he replied cheekily. “So you’ll come?”
She sighed and nodded, sliding her hand from his as they neared Freddie. “Tomorrow.”
“Not today?” he asked with a frown. “We could go right now, there is plenty of time.”
She shook her head, looking away. “I have business to attend to today. Tomorrow will be good enough.”
He did not like her evasiveness, but he let it go and pretended to accept it.
When the time came for their departure, he removed himself to stand near his footman so Susannah and Freddie could make their farewells in private.
Colin turned his back on Susannah and Freddie to appear as though he were looking behind where he and the footman were. “What is your name again?” he murmured to the young man.
“Nick, sir,” he replied, a corner of his mouth ticking.
Colin smirked slightly. “I’ve asked you that before, haven’t I?”
Nick shrugged, which was answer enough.
Colin nodded. “Nick, no doubt you’ve been informed that occasionally, my servants do unusual errands for me. Don’t indicate, just blink once if this is true.”
Nick blinked once.
“Very good. Do this for me: follow Miss Hart on this errand she is tending to, just a precaution for her safety, you understand. But stay out of her sight. When she has safely returned to Lady Cavendish’s residence, come back to the house and report to me. You’ll receive some sovereigns for your trouble. Blink once if you understand and accept, Nick.”
Again, Nick blinked once, very determinedly.
Colin nodded and murmured, “Very good.” Then he turned back with a bright smile as Freddie skipped to him. “Ready?”
Freddie nodded and smiled up at him. “Mama says she’s coming to the house tomorrow.”
Colin looked up and met Susannah’s eyes, letting her see just how delighted he was at the same prospect. “That’s right, she is.”
Susannah colored under his gaze, and he could see her fighting a smile.
He grinned and nodded in farewell to her.
She wrinkled her nose up a bit and waved to Freddie as she left.
Colin watched her for a moment longer than he probably should have, then turned to her son. “Well, shall we go and see if Kit and our friends have turned the girls into pall-mall experts while we were away?”
Colin’s friends were still at his house when he arrived, and they had some comments to make about his recent behavior. He was smiling too much, he was too warm with his sisters, too happy to see their wives and children, too eager to help wherever he could. In short, he was everything they had grown accustomed to being the exact opposite of him.
“I am telling you,” Derek was saying to the group as they were preparing to leave, at last, “something is wrong.”
“I can see that,” Nathan allowed. “Colin is a bit… Well, he’s a bit mawkish lately.”
“What?” Colin said with a laugh. “I am not.”
“Softer than a pillow,” Duncan said with a sad shake of his head.
Geoff snorted. “I’ve eaten puddings harder than Colin.”
Colin gave him a hard look. “Have not, unless your fool of a cook made it.”
“Yes,” Derek said slowly, eyeing him carefully. “I do believe he is glowing a bit.”
“I’m a robust fellow,” Colin scoffed. “I cannot help but shine.”
Nathan shrugged back into his jacket, still watching him. “You aren’t going to tell us, are you?” he finally asked.
Colin turned to him fully, expression as curiously blank as he could manage. “Tell you what? What exactly do you think has happened to me?”
None of them had an answer for him, and he was certainly not inclined to let them into his private thoughts at this time. Not when he couldn’t manage to make sense of them himself.
They departed then, all looking back at him with curious stares.
He sighed and went to his study, putting his head into his hands. Eventually, they would have to be informed. When there was something for them to be informed of.
Right now, all he had were feelings… and questions.
A knock at his study door brought his head up, and Nick stood in the doorway, posture every inch the footman, though his apparel was still common.
“Nick,” he said, waving him in. “Come in, good man, and shut the door.”
Nick did so and presented himself before the desk silently.
Bartlet always trained the footmen so well. Colin had the urge to smile, but refrained. “Go on, then. What did you find?”
“Miss Hart went directly from the park to the financial district, sir,” Nick reported stiffly, eyes fixed out of the window. “To the office of a Mr. Samuel Jacobs, who is a solicitor, but not a well-known one, hardly used but for tradesmen and the like. She was there half an hour, and then went to Lady Cavendish.”
Colin sat back, hand near his mouth as he thought. “How did she look?”
Nick glanced at him in surprise. “Sir?”
“How did she look?” he repeated more clearly. “When she exited the building. Was she distressed, was she pleased…?”
Nick frowned in thought. “She did not look pleased, sir, but I could not say she was distressed. Perhaps… disappointed?”
That was not what he wished to hear. His brow creased as he glowered and he reached into his desk drawer for some coins. “Thank you, Nick,” he said, handing the coins out. “You may return to your duties. I may have need of you again in the future, if you don’t mind.”
“Yes, sir. As you wi
sh, sir.” Nick left the room silently, leaving Colin to his solitude.
He did not like that Susannah had secrets from him. He understood her reasoning for it, of course. They were only newly friends again, and the trust they had lost would take time to rebuild. He had no reason to know her secrets, her past, or how exactly dire her straits were.
But he was troubled, and he could not deny that. Between still not knowing her last name or her husband’s identity, and Freddie not knowing what to call himself anymore, her starving herself to feed him, and now this mystery solicitor… Not to mention her fear, her weakness, and the way she hid from everyone and everything. There were far too many questions, and a creeping sense of unease was starting to swirl within him.
He wanted to help her. Not just to find a position or to take care of Freddie, but he wanted to help remove the shadows she lived with. He wanted to soothe her fears, fend off her troubles, and know every deep, dark secret she was hiding from him. If it was money, he could take care of that. If it was law, he had friends and power enough to take care of that. He could take care of everything that troubled her, if only she would let him in.
He shouldn’t have had Nick follow her today, that was probably going too far. He had absolutely no intention of having her followed all around London, he was not that protective or desperate. And there was the value of her privacy that he would respect. He would never force her into confines he set out. He could not. She would have resisted with every fiber in her frail being, and he would lose all that he had gained by having her in his life.
But he could not let this go, either. He would go mad without something to settle his mind.
He pulled out a sheet of paper and jotted a quick note down before he could reconsider it. He sealed it per his usual manner, and left it unaddressed, as the case called for. He quickly rose from his desk and went into the hall. “Bartlet?” he called softly, looking around.
“Sir?” Bartlet replied, sticking his head out from one of the rooms, his hair slicked over his baldness, as usual. He came out and started towards him.
Colin met him halfway. “Take this to Jim, if you please, and tell him to deliver it, same as usual.”
The Burdens of a Bachelor (Arrangements, Book 5) Page 13