The Burdens of a Bachelor (Arrangements, Book 5)

by Rebecca Connolly

  Susannah grinned. “I would love all of those things.”

  He returned her smile. “I know.”

  She cocked her head at him. “Is there anything you don’t know, Kit Gerrard?”

  His grin spread and he suddenly looked mischievous. “Quite a bit, actually. But I dare say I know more than Colin.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  It had been three days since Colin had been bedridden, and he had done his level best to make up for lost time with his sisters. His behavior had been abominable to everyone, and his selfishness had left him so close to death he would swear he’d actually seen the gates of heaven. He’d even heard Susannah’s soothing voice, calling him her love and encouraging him softly. Out of his head with fever, he’d heard and imagined all sorts of things, and it had changed everything for him.

  Apologies now flew from his mouth faster than compliments ever had, and he felt worlds lighter for it. Not that his guilt surrounding Susannah had lessened at all, but he was assured that where everyone else was concerned, he could be settled. He had made no attempt to find Susannah or to reach out to her. He probably should have, but what could he possibly say? Though he could admit to being wiser and more of a man for the ordeal he had just survived, he had no more answers there than he’d had before.

  But he would live, and go on living, and would not think of himself alone anymore.

  At this moment, in fact, he was not thinking of himself at all.

  He sat next to Rosie’s bed, clutching her hand, while the inestimable Dr. Howard, the private physician of the Whitlocks, looked her over. Two days ago, Rosie had complained of a headache and been unusually tired, yesterday the same and worse with a cough, and this morning she had been too weak to even rise from her bed. And she had refused breakfast. Since then, she had grown listless, pale, and had begun to burn with fever.

  Colin and Kit had wasted no time in sending for the doctor at that point. They both knew very well that Colin’s fever had been considered infectious and thus the entire house had been at risk, but as it had been five days since Colin had been declared out of danger, they thought the rest had been safe. But looking at the somber look on Dr. Howard’s face as he listened to Rosie breathe and took her pulse, there was nothing safe about this.

  He slowly shook his head, raising his eyes to the brothers. Kit stood behind Colin, his fingers rubbing anxiously against each other as they hung at his side. He would have been at Rosie’s side as well, but one of them had to be composed.

  “She is not doing well,” the older man told them softly, glancing down at Rosie. “I have no doubt it is the same fever you suffered from, Mr. Colin.”

  Colin winced and moaned, leaning his head to touch the coverlet. Kit immediately put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed hard, pulling Colin back upright, leaving his hand in place.

  “It was bad enough in a grown man of your robust nature and stamina, but in a child this young?” He shook his head and put a hand on Rosie’s perspiration dampened brow. “It could be quite dangerous.” He hesitated, then added, “It already is dangerous. It’s taken such a vicious hold already, I’m not sure there is much to do.”

  “What can we do?” Kit asked roughly, his grip on Colin’s shoulder tightening.

  For a moment, Colin feared the good doctor would simply say “Pray.” But he stared at Rosie for a long moment, his mind obviously whirling. “If she were older, I would suggest blood-letting. But as it has moved so fast and she is already having pulmonary distress, I dare not. Have you any of the laudanum I left for you?”

  Colin nodded once, swallowing with difficulty.

  “Dilute that significantly, as she is a child, but she will grow more restless and need it.” He looked at her eyes, his mouth forming a thin line. “She’s not to crisis yet, but it won’t be long. I will go and fetch some things to help her. Is Mrs. Creighton still about? She was instrumental in caring for you, was she not?”

  Colin nodded again. “Yes, she was. She is with the girls at the moment, but we can have her tend Rosie.”

  Dr. Howard hummed a noise of discontent. “Your other sisters are still about? I would send them away, sirs, for their own good.”

  “No,” they said together at once.

  Dr. Howard looked at them strangely.

  “They lost their mother to illness,” Kit explained in a stiff voice. “And were sent away without knowing it would be the end. They could not leave their sister the same way. And we would have us all remain together. As a family.”

  Colin nodded his “amen” to that.

  Dr. Howard sighed and picked up his bag. “I stand by my recommendation, the girls should be removed. I will come back in a few hours. In the meantime, try to cool her, open a window, and turn her if she coughs too much.” He nodded to them both and left the room.

  “I’m so sorry,” Colin whispered to Rosie, holding her hand tightly. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

  “You cannot blame yourself,” Kit said coming around to rest his hand on Rosie’s brow, smoothing her hair back.

  Colin looked at his brother, struck by how disheveled Kit looked. They’d been observing Rosie all morning and into the afternoon, but Kit looked as rumpled and untidy as Colin had ever seen him. “Who else is there to blame, Kit?” he asked, his voice cracking in agony. “It was my idiocy, my stupid, selfish behavior that got me sick, and now it has taken hold in her. I did this.”

  Kit gave him a severe look. “It is not your fault, Colin.”

  Colin shook his head. “You will never convince me of that. Not in a million years.” He took Rosie’s feverish hand and brought it to his mouth. “I’ve been such a fool. I’ve wasted the time we’ve had with the girls; I could have given them so much more of myself.”

  Kit made an impatient sound and grabbed Colin’s shirt in his fist. “She is not dead, Colin. And our sisters adore you. They’ve forgiven you your moments of idiocy, and they love you. We’ve just gotten you back, don’t you dare waste that.”

  Colin swallowed and gripped his brother’s wrist hard. “I can’t breathe, Kit. I can’t think. I can’t lose Rosie, not now.”

  Blessedly, Kit said nothing else, and the two of them watched Rosie’s bedside, only leaving when the other two girls needed one of them.

  Hours later, they watched with more anxiety. Dr. Howard had left again to tend to Lady Ralston’s impending delivery, but Colin had known the look in the doctor’s eyes. He had done all that he could.

  Mary had come to help with the girls, and Geoff was on hand below if anything was needed. The girls were being distracted, but he knew it would not last long.

  He needed someone to distract him.

  Still he sat at Rosie’s side, her hand in his, not seeing anything anymore. Mrs. Creighton had worked herself into exhaustion and had retired to rest for a time. Colin and Kit were alone in the room with Rosie, the only sound the crackling of the fire.

  “What do we do, Kit?” Colin asked finally, wishing for the thousandth time that he were back in this bed and not Rosie. “We can’t just let her…

  Kit, sitting on Rosie’s other side, rubbed at his eyes. “Honestly, Colin? I have one idea. Just one.”

  Colin looked at him expectantly.

  Kit stared back for a long moment. “Susannah.”

  Colin flinched, the sound of her name something he had somehow forgotten, the pain as sharp as his guilt over Rosie. “No.”

  His brother growled. “You have a better idea?”

  “No, but I…” He swallowed and shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t ask that of her. I can’t ask anything of her.”

  Kit got to his feet and put his hands on his hips. “She can help, Colin. She worked in hospitals and with doctors. She can…”

  Colin shook his head fiercely. “No. I cannot ask her to do that.”

  His brother frowned at him. “Not even for Rosie?”

  “She wouldn’t come. She hates me, Kit. She wouldn’t come.” He had been tormented by Susanna
h every night since he had said those things to her, his sleep destroyed by every agonizing moment of joy and pain he had shared with her. He’d felt her pain at his hand, imagined thousands of scenarios where she was cool and dismissive of him, as she ought to be, and others where she raged, no matter how against her nature it was.

  She would not come for him.

  And she ought not.

  “You don’t know that,” Kit murmured in a low tone.

  Colin did not respond, could not. He looked down at Rosie’s coverlet, her hand the only thing he could feel. No, Susannah might not hate him now. But she should.

  He heard Kit sigh, and then move away from the bed in clipped steps. “Fine!” Kit snapped. “I will go for her myself.”

  Colin snorted softly. “You don’t know where she is. I don’t even know. She’s vanished.”

  Kit gave a snort of his own. “Of course I know where she is. I knew that a few days after she left.”

  That brought Colin’s head up with a jerk. “Why didn’t you say anything?” he whispered.

  Kit raised a brow. “You never asked. If you wanted to find her, you would have.”

  That much was true. But it did not explain how Kit had done so. Kit did not have Colin’s network of connections. “How did you find her?” he asked, confused.

  Kit smiled faintly. “Come now, Colin. You think you are the only one who has contact with the Gent?”

  Colin looked at him for a long moment, stunned and more confused than ever. “You know who he is,” he said slowly.

  “I do.”

  “Who is it?”

  Kit shook his head firmly. “I swore not to tell, though I am surprised you haven’t guessed yet. But he’s been watching over her for us, and I’m bringing her here so you can do that from now on.”

  Colin felt his heart leap at the implication in the words, but was just as quick to snuff the feeling. He shook his head. “She won’t come, not for me, not after what I did.”

  “She loves you, Colin,” Kit murmured.

  “I know,” Colin whispered. “I know she did, but…”

  “No,” Kit interrupted roughly, “she does love you. I would bet both of our fortunes on that. And you do not deserve her.”

  Colin glared at him. “I know that, don’t you think I know that?”

  Kit tilted his head, folding his arms across his chest. “So what is holding you back?”

  There was no fair way to answer that. Colin couldn’t even admit to himself his reasons. Again, he shook his head. “I can’t… She will never forgive me.”

  “You underestimate her, Colin.” Kit’s voice was disappointed, and sad.

  “I can’t face her,” Colin admitted with a hitch in his voice. “I can’t.”

  “Then I will go, damn you. She is Rosie’s best chance. And yours.”

  A knock at Susannah’s door interrupted her nightly reading to Freddie. He was so close to sleep, he barely noticed as she slid from beside him.

  “Miz Hart?” Sasha called, knocking again. “Gentleman at the door for you. An’ he’s a looker.”

  Susannah looked to the ceiling in distress. Sasha had been out of work, having found herself in a difficult and delicate situation, and she was desperately trying to get Susannah to pick up where she had left off, claiming there was good money and a bit of fun to be had.

  She left the bedchamber, thanked Sasha, and went to the cracked door. “Yes?” she asked, opening it slightly.

  Kit Gerrard stood there, looking disheveled, rumpled, and exhausted. “Susannah.”

  She gaped, then swallowed. “Who?” she asked faintly. Then she shook her head. “Never mind, one moment.” She left him at the door, raced for her cloak and shoes, and told Sasha she was leaving, which earned her a cheeky grin and a wave. Susannah frowned at her. “Mind Freddie?”

  “O’ course, Miz Hart,” Sasha replied. “Pleasant evening to you and your fella. Get your money’s worth!”

  Susannah shook her head and ran back to the door, surprising Kit as she exited, shutting the door behind her.

  “You live with a…?” he said, fumbling for words.

  “Prostitute,” Susannah supplied, pushing a loose bit of hair behind her ear. “Yes.”

  Kit opened his mouth, then shook his head and gestured for Susannah to lead the way.

  They hurried out of the building while Kit apprised her of the situation and gave her the pertinent details, helping her into the carriage. She made him repeat several things, her mind thinking quickly. She had them stop at the apothecary again, grateful she was on good terms with him, as it was far beyond his shop’s hours, and then they barreled on for the house.

  Rosie’s situation sounded grave indeed, and she was not entirely sure what she could do to help, given the speed with which the fever was raging. But she could try. And she could be with the people she loved most in the world, except for Freddie. And if Rosie was destined to… She could hardly think the words, but if the worst should happen, then Susannah might perhaps be able to make the passing easier for the sweet girl.

  Before disappearing forever.

  There would be no remaining in London if she could not help Rosie.

  She forced all of that aside as they reached the house. There was work to be done, and she would need all of her skills and abilities to do it.

  “Where are Bitty and Ginny?” she asked.

  “Sleeping, for now,” Kit told her, taking her arm and letting her inside. “Mary Harris is with them. I doubt they will sleep for long.”

  She nodded, stripping off her cloak and gloves in the hall, dropping them on the floor as Kit had done as they moved to the stairs. They took the stairs two at a time, Susannah holding her skirts with one hand, her heart pounding hard in her chest.

  Entering the room, she immediately felt the stuffy congestion of a sickroom, and the dim light of the fire cast distorted and miserable shadows.

  “More light,” she murmured to Kit as she entered. She saw Colin by the bed, clasping Rosie’s hand with both of his, his head on the counterpane. Her heart was suddenly in her throat and she worked hard to swallow. What would Colin think?

  “I need more light,” she said again to Kit, whose hand was suddenly at her back. “And fresh linen and water.”

  Colin’s head jerked up at her voice.

  “Of course,” Kit murmured. “I’ll see to it. And Mrs. Creighton?”

  Susannah nodded, pushing her sleeves up. “Unless she is fatigued. In which case, would you ask Mary if she would mind?”

  She did not wait for his response as she went to the bed to check on Rosie, who was pale and far too still for her liking. Her pulse was soft and thready, not at all the strong, steady cadence it ought to have been. And she was hot to the touch.

  She ignored Colin as best as she could, though he was just to her right, and she knew his breathing was uneven. The warmth from his body could have seared her had she been any closer. As it was, her right hip and leg were suddenly tingling in a strange sort of anticipation.

  Whatever injuries he had caused, whatever their past had been, she could not feel anything for him but love and compassion. And she wanted him still, more than she ever had.

  Kit murmured softly to Colin, though she could not make out the words. Save for these: “She didn’t even ask. She just came.”

  She swallowed hastily, peeling away the high collar of Rosie’s night gown to expose her throat more fully.

  The door was softly shut, and she looked back to see that Kit had left. Which meant she was alone. With Colin.

  For a moment, there was no sound at all but their breathing, and Rosie’s rasping, shallow breaths.

  “You came,” Colin finally said, his voice rough and awestruck.

  She looked down and found him watching her with the same awe she’d heard in his voice. His eyes were soft and full of wonder, and she gave him a gentle smile. “Of course, I came,” she murmured. “Did you really think I wouldn’t?”

  He made a c
hoked sound and his throat worked, then he looked away.

  She covered his hands, then looked down at Rosie with a small sigh. “Are you sure she isn’t yours?” she asked with the barest hint of teasing.

  Colin looked down at his sister and swallowed hard, then shook his head. “No, I am not sure. It hurts like she is mine. I love her like she is mine. She…” He shook his head again, dropping his head.

  Susannah moved before she meant to, wrapping her arms around him, though she stood and he was seated. He buried his head against her, his frame shaking with emotional tremors. She rubbed his back soothingly, forcing her fingers not to wander to his hair. She blinked rapidly to keep her tears from falling, and kept her breathing shallow to fight off her own distress at his state.

  When she could, she said, “I am not going to make any promises but this: I will do everything I can for her.”

  Colin looked up at her, his eyes shining.

  Susannah smiled and touched his cheek once. “Because she is mine too.”

  Colin’s breath hitched at her touch and his eyes fluttered ever so slightly.

  Feeling rather the same way, Susannah smiled again. “When this is over, we need to talk,” she murmured, stepping out of his tempting hold.

  Colin suddenly had a strange light in his eyes. “Let’s talk now,” he said simply, hooking his leg around another chair and pulling it over.

  She looked over at Rosie, who was starting to shift restlessly. She put her hand to the girl’s brow, shaking her head. “Rosie needs us.”

  “I need you.”

  Something in Colin’s voice made Susannah go completely still. He was so earnest, stripped of artifice and pride, and all that was left was his heart. Which was all she ever wanted.

  She wanted to look at him, but she couldn’t bear to.

  “Whether Rosie lives or… does not,” Colin said in a low voice, his body canting towards her though he still clung to Rosie’s hand, “I will be eternally grateful to you.”

  “I don’t want your gratitude, Colin,” she whispered.

  “I know.”