The Chalupa Conundrum

by Lyle Christie

  “None that I know of, but at least it would make more sense than a kidnapping conducted by supernatural beings.”

  “And I suppose I should tell you that I was assaulted by a man on the plane on the way down here. He clearly didn’t work for King Chalupa.”

  “Any idea who he was?”

  “No, though he and another guy attempted to kidnap me at gunpoint last night.”

  “Holy shit! What happened?”

  “I talked my way out of it, and they left in peace.”

  “Really?”

  “No—Finn beat the shit out of them and sent them on their way,” Alessandra interjected.

  “I hope you called the Police. Costa Rica has a very low crime rate, and we don’t tolerate that kind of behavior.”

  “They left pretty quickly, so there wasn’t time,” I said.

  We continued walking and gazing up into the night sky for a bit before Ernesto spoke.

  “It’s pretty strange the man was on your plane. That seems a little too coincidental.”

  “I agree.”

  “Though, I have heard stories of organized crime syndicates profiling tourists in the hope of finding an easy ransom payoff. It’s rare, but it happens.”

  “I did fly first class from Los Angeles to Costa Rica. That’s a pretty big target if you’re looking for someone with means.”

  “True, but again, it’s more likely it’s tied to the disappearance of your people.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Regardless, I believe you will find your team. Everything in my heart of hearts says that no evil could have come to them out here, as Chalupa and its people have lived here in peace for more than a thousand years.”

  “I hope you’re right, Ernesto.”

  I realized Alessandra hadn’t spoken a word for the last five or so minutes.

  “You’re awfully quiet. What are you thinking about, Professor Hot Sauce?” I asked.

  “I’m thinking I saw something or someone up there on the hill following us.”

  We immediately stopped and gazed in the direction she was pointing, but nothing appeared to be out of the ordinary. Then again, it would be hard to tell, as the hillside was a cornucopia of light and dark shapes created by the pale illumination of the moon shining over the jungle, and, between that and the slight breeze rustling the plants and leaves, it would be impossible to discern anything let alone a person or animal.

  The creatures froze in place when the people stopped and looked in their direction. They had been watching them all night from the periphery of the camp, just waiting for the right moment to strike, and they thought they had at last found their opening when the people had set off on foot into the darkness—into their territory. They had followed their progress, all the while moving closer until the female had seen them and said something that made all of them stop and look in their direction. The creatures, however, remained still and kept in the shadows as they waited out their prey. They had the numbers to overtake them, but they were here for the stranger who had arrived today, and, as he wasn’t like the others, they had to be more careful.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Strangers in the Fright

  THE THREE OF us continued to stare off into the dark jungle, and, though I couldn’t see anything of interest, my scrot-sense was now on full alert. Apparently, my awareness was a bit dull from all the food and alcohol, but such wasn’t the case for Alessandra, as her female equivalent, her labial-radar, was apparently more acute and less affected by artificial stimulants.

  “You probably just saw a puma or a howler monkey,” Ernesto said.

  “Maybe, but it looked bigger.”

  “Pumas can be pretty big,” I countered.

  “Yeah, but do they walk on two legs?”

  “I’ve seen cute house cats do it in Youtube videos, so why not pumas?” I said.

  “Perhaps because no one was dangling a ball of string over its head.”

  “Good point, though I thought I was the paranoid one in our group.”

  “Me too, until I saw something.”

  She continued to stare for another few minutes then finally relented, and we continued on and soon reached the Von Träger Lab. All three vehicles were still parked in their same places, so Nate and Wainright were obviously still working.

  “Your people are pretty dedicated,” I said.

  “They are, but they have to be—time marches on, as does the frailty of human existence. Diseases don’t sleep, and so neither do we, unfortunately.”

  “Well, thank you for a wonderful evening,” I said, shaking his hand.

  “My pleasure,” he said, before turning to Alessandra.

  He kissed her on the lips yet again, but, as we prepared to leave, Ernesto saw Alessandra’s concerned expression.

  “Do you want me to give you a ride back to your camp?”

  She thought for a moment then appeared to have made up her mind.

  “No, I’m obviously just letting my imagination get the best of me.”

  “Are you sure? Because it really is no bother.”

  “No, thank you, we can walk, and it’ll give us time to gaze up at all the beautiful stars you pointed out.”

  “Well then, good night, and let’s do this again. I really enjoyed myself,” he said.

  “Me too,” Alessandra responded.

  “Me three,” I added.

  The Kissing Bandito headed inside the lab, and Alessandra and I turned and headed out of the parking lot and back onto the road. It was probably just my imagination, but it seemed a lot darker and hell of a lot spookier with only the two of us. Alessandra was apparently feeling the same way, as she wrapped her arm through mine and pulled us close together. We continued on, arm in arm, and the eeriness of the night was replaced by an oddly romantic feeling.

  “That really was a nice night—even with the cockblocking bandito present,” I said.

  “Face it—he’s a really nice guy.”

  “He is, even if he kisses you at every opportunity.”

  Alessandra stopped and looked at me with her face illuminated by a thin swath of moonlight that was peaking down through the trees.

  “Do you really want to kiss me that badly?” she asked.

  Shit, suddenly I had to seriously consider her words, and the answer was clear.

  “I do.”

  “So, why don’t you?”

  “Fuck, I’m feeling like a yo-yo again. Three hours ago, you told me you couldn’t kiss me because it could lead to something serious.”

  “That was three hours ago. This is now.”

  “I’m confused, and my balls are starting to ache again.”

  “As long as that doesn’t have any effect on your lips, it doesn’t matter right now, does it?”

  “I suppose not.”

  I leaned closer, and my very beautiful and very emotionally difficult guide closed the distance and kissed me, and once again I felt the exact same magic I had felt when we were caught in the rainstorm on the waterfall. Apparently, it wasn’t just the magic of the moment, but rather the chemistry of the participants, and now, as our kiss continued, I felt her tongue sliding over to meet mine. As I was raised to be a gentleman, I greeted her properly, and that meant sliding my tongue out to meet hers so that we could engage in a little oral intercourse. Above us, far off stars burned bright and hot in the night sky, but none, however, could compare to the brilliance or heat of my building inner passion. Every precious inch of Alessandra’s flesh was beckoning my touch, and I pulled free and kissed her neck before returning to the soft comfort of her lips—all the while feeling electrical tingling as I ran my hands down over her breasts. The silken dress fit like a second skin and made her hard nipples obvious beneath my fingertips. She too was exploring and quickly happened upon a very rigid Tag Junior, who was straining mightily to bridge the gap between our bodies.

  “I don’t know about monsters out in the hills, but there is definitely one trying to get out of my pants,” I said.
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  “Yeah, and I think we need to get back to camp, so we can free it before it explodes in your pants,” she said, running her fingers down its length as it strained against the thin fabric of my shorts and felt as though it might tear through at any moment.

  Suddenly Alessandra tensed.

  “Did you hear that?” she asked.

  “It was probably just my balls helping to set up the trouser tent.”

  “No, I’m serious. I heard something out there.”

  I listened and focused all my attention on the area in question but only heard the wind rustling through the trees. That was a bad omen. I’d spent a fair amount of my professional life operating in diverse settings, some of it being in the jungle, and you learned how to read your environment. When people or predators moved through an area, the smaller animals grew quiet, and right now it was quiet—too fucking quiet. Someone or something was out there, and it was obviously close and moving in our direction. If we were lucky, it would be a puma just checking us out before moving on to a more manageable sized prey. If we were very lucky, it would be a party of Chalupans out on a nature hike, and if we were extremely lucky, it would be Bachué, the big-breasted one, and some of her friends heading out to do a little moonlight skinny dipping.

  The silence continued, and I was starting to think it was none of the above, as whatever was out there was staying very quiet and perhaps even watching us at this very moment. Alessandra squeezed me even tighter and whispered in my ear.

  “Do you have your gun?”

  “Of course.”

  “Thank God.”

  We turned our attention back to the road and started moving very slowly and very quietly towards the camp, and seconds passed before we heard a twig snap, and we froze. I slid my hand under my shirt, grabbed my pistol, and, as quietly as possible, chambered a round. There was definitely something unfriendly out there, or it would have already made contact. My scrot-sense was all but screaming as the hairs on the back of my neck stood up like stalks of corn, and I realized I needed to be ready to act. To that end, I slid my left arm around Alessandra’s waist and kept her just behind my left hip. It was a strategic move that accomplished two goals—the first being that I wanted to make sure I didn’t lose her in the darkness, while the second was to know exactly where she was in relation to me should I need to shoot someone, or, more accurately, something. As we slinked along, Alessandra, slowed, leaned in, and whispered in my ear again.

  “What do you think it is?” she asked.

  “I’m hoping it’s a puma or some fellow humans.”

  “Yeah, but if it’s humans, then why aren’t they talking to us?”

  “Perhaps it’s the same assholes who attacked the camp.”

  “Or King Chalupa and his minions,” she said.

  “I thought you were more favorable to the non-supernatural possibilities.”

  “I am, but, at the moment, I’m having a hard time ruling anything out,” she said.

  “Well, you heard Ernesto. He’s lived here his whole life, and he thinks the legend is horseshit.”

  Just then, there was a sound of movement, but oddly it seemed to be coming from every direction, so we froze. As we stood there, a light wind came drifting over us, and the air was filled with a terrible putrid animal scent.

  “I’m getting a bad feeling,” Alessandra whispered.

  “I’ve already got a bad feeling.”

  “Wait a minute. I’m a fucking scientist. I don’t fall prey to myths, legends, or curses. Whatever is out here has a perfectly logical explanation.”

  “I agree,” I said, trying to bolster my own courage.

  Suddenly red eyes appeared in the darkness, and Alessandra screamed. I did a quick three hundred and sixty degree turn and saw to my horror that there were glowing red eyes all around us.

  “What do we do?” Alessandra asked frantically.

  “I’m still thinking.”

  “Think faster.”

  “OK, when I give the signal, we run,” I said.

  Sweet Jesus. I had faced a lot of enemies in this lifetime, but they had all been human, and whatever was out there in the darkness defied all logic and reason and made me question everything I had ever believed. If there were indeed ghosts or demons, then there were angels and gods—or god depending on your religion, and I could only hope he, she, it, or even they were currently watching over us. How is it I had gone through life, crisscrossed the entire globe, and only now experienced a taste of the supernatural? My head was spinning, and I was starting to lose it when my deep inner Tag Finn started to stir in the confines of my subconscious. This was the deep inner self that supplied my scrot-sense, provided a mental rudder, and allowed me to turn off fear and face extreme difficulty. This was the part of my being that got me to the door of the helicopter on my last rescue mission in Afghanistan, but that time I had a two hundred pound pilot over my shoulder and a bullet from an AK-47 in my hip. This time I had a beautiful Archaeologist at my side, and I’d be damned if I was going to let anyone or anything hurt either of us. I didn’t care if it was a man, beast, or mystical being, I was going to save our asses or die on my feet in a blaze of supernatural glory.

  The creatures were starting to move closer, and their terrible scent alone was enough to overwhelm me with panic, and that meant I was running out of time and needed a plan. I thought back to the top of the pyramid and remembered the topographical and physical features of the area. It was basically all jungle and rivers, and that gave me an idea—one which oddly called upon the hours of playing Dungeons and Dragons with my nerd friends at the Agency. Dungeons and Dragons dealt with magic and mystical creatures, and some of those creatures had supernatural powers, which included, more specifically in this case, infravision. In the earlier pre 3.0 versions of Dungeons and Dragons, creatures with infravision were able to see in the dark using the infrared spectrum, and a side effect of this ability was that their eyes glowed red. If the assholes around us were indeed imbued with such power, then evasion and, in turn, escape would entail us cooling off—literally. Clearly, I was moving well out of range of any of my special operations or CIA training, but there wasn’t any training manual on earth for what I was about to attempt.

  The ruins were to the east, and all of the rivers followed the contour of the valley, more or less heading from northeast to southeast. There was a good sized river on the western side of the camp, and that was the one I was going to shoot for—so to speak. I leaned in and whispered to Alessandra.

  “Just so you know. This is the kind of thing that happens when someone interrupts me in the bathroom.”

  “I don’t care about that right now. All I care about is getting out of here alive.”

  “Understood, now, after I fire six shots, we’re going to go left into the jungle and keep running until we hit the river. Whatever you do, don’t let go of my hand. I don’t want to lose you in the dark.”

  “I don’t want to lose you either,” she said.

  The red glowing eyes were only about fifty feet away and closing in from every direction, and I sighted in on three pairs in close proximity of each other and fired two bullets at each one. Horrible cries pierced the night, and the creatures suddenly scattered, allowing Alessandra and me to run into the jungle. A hundred yards in, we slowed down enough for me to turn and listen. They were behind us and moving quickly, but their footfalls were now harried and loud as they gave chase. We started running again, and the moonlight provided barely enough ambient light for us to navigate the thick tropical foliage. Another ten feet, and we both tripped over a large root hidden in the shadows, and it sent us both tumbling to the ground. We struggled back onto our feet and continued on until eventually taking cover behind the trunk of a large tree. I used the moment to try and scan for creatures and saw red eyes appear out of the darkness about twenty meters away. I fired off another two round burst, and at least one bullet hit the target and elicited yet another pained cry. I couldn’t tell how effective it was,
but it at least appeared to slow them down.

  We started moving again, but traded speed for efficiency by keeping our pace at a fast jog. Another minute passed, and I heard moving water and realized our salvation was near. I hazarded a glance over my shoulder and saw we had created a decent lead, and, as I turned back around, the riverbank came into view. Alessandra and I slipped down to the waters edge and slithered into its dark, cool depths. Once we were up to our shoulders, we started heading northeast, and I started wondering about dangerous river animals. Thankfully, we were several thousand feet up, and crocs and caimans only existed in the wet lowlands of Costa Rica, so that meant the most dangerous things were the creatures currently behind us.

  Soon thereafter, we heard our pursuers approaching, so this was it—the moment of truth. Would the creature’s apparent infravision be able to penetrate the water, or would we be able to escape? I waited until I could see the first pair of red eyes then tapped Alessandra’s shoulder, and we slipped below the surface and swam northeast under the water for as long as possible. We surfaced about ten meters up stream, took a breath, then retreated back under the water and continued our northeasterly journey. We went through three more cycles then stopped to look around. It apparently worked, as there wasn’t a pair of beady red eyes in sight.

  We continued on but kept only our heads above the surface of the water, and the going was slow but thankfully free of the red eyed menace. Another ten minutes, and we could see the glow of the camp in the distance. We emerged from the river and trudged through the jungle to find everything exactly as we had left it, and the last twenty harrowing minutes were feeling more like a bad dream than an actual reality. We closed up the kitchen and retreated to the bathroom to clean up, reflect, and regroup. Alessandra didn’t look happy, but then being chased through the dark by apparently supernatural glowing eyed creatures could have that effect on a person. Speaking of which, I realized I was probably still in a bit of shock myself and therefore having a hard time coming to terms with the entire experience.