The Chalupa Conundrum

by Lyle Christie

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Tag Finn and the Chamber of Secrets

  I WAS HAVING an unusual dream where I was Indiana Jones, and I was in a pyramid trying to rescue Professor Hot Sauce and Bachué, but we were up against a ghost king and his evil minions. They’d cornered us in a chamber beneath the pyramid, and the entire area was surrounded by a moat full of voracious crocodiles. With no other alternative, I pulled out my revolver, aimed at our adversaries, then squeezed the trigger but was rewarded with nothing more than the click of the hammer on an empty chamber. The gun was empty, so I switched to my bullwhip and delivered two menacing whip cracks to keep our enemies at bay. When they backed off, I turned and saw that our only avenue of escape was to somehow get across the water to reach the opening on the other side. I managed to snap the whip around an overhanging wood beam, then the girls each grabbed a shoulder. As we prepared to swing across, I suddenly heard my name being called, but it wasn’t Alessandra or Bachué. Still, the voice was oddly familiar.

  “Finn! Finn!” the person said.

  Weird. I looked around the chamber but couldn’t see the person who was calling my name.

  “Finn! Wake up Goddammit!”

  I finally recognized the voice, but I realized I was no longer dreaming, and, instead, I was opening my eyes to see I was in a fairly large underground chamber. There were several people standing around me, and, leaning directly over me was Estelle, and, best of all, she was wafting a paper cup full of coffee under my nose.

  “You’re still alive, I see,” I said.

  “Is that a problem?” she asked.

  “No, quite the contrary,” I said, taking hold of the cup.

  The contents appeared to be some kind of instant coffee combined with powdered creamer—the lowest of the low in terms of a true java junky’s palette, but I still took a sip, and the world around me suddenly felt just a bit brighter. Three months and over a thousand miles apart, and Estelle knew exactly how to wake me up. Coffee!

  “Wow! This might taste a bit like warm piss, but right now it’s the best warm piss I’ve ever tasted.”

  “Oh, have you had warm piss before?” she asked.

  “Not officially, but right now, this is about the best thing I could possibly hope for—other than you all being alive and well, of course.”

  I took a second to gather my bearings and have a look around the room. It was a fairly large chamber, but, unlike the other renovated sections beneath the pyramid, it had gas fed tiki torches for lighting. Interesting—I wonder why they didn’t just install standard electric lights like the locker room or the laboratory. Perhaps the other torches had been gas fed as well in order to maintain the illusion of authentic ancient Chalupa. I counted the people in the room and realized everyone was here, including Hot Sauce, who was also amongst those gathered around me. My gaze fell back upon Estelle, who, to my dismay, looked annoyingly beautiful with the torchlight dancing in her eyes.

  “How long have we been here?” I asked, as I sat up and shook my head to clear out the last of the cobwebs.

  “I believe since last night.”

  “Wow, whatever drug they gave us worked like a charm.”

  “Who exactly are they?”

  “Long story, but I assumed you would already know after what happened at the camp.”

  “That night is still a blur.”

  “Having experienced something very similar, I can actually understand.”

  Estelle suddenly smiled and slowly shook her head back and forth as she regarded me.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” she said.

  “You told me you needed my help.”

  “Yeah, but now, thanks to me, you’re as screwed as the rest of us.”

  “Well, you look pretty good considering you’ve all been in captivity.”

  “They’ve fed us and supplied us with sleeping bags and toiletries.”

  “I would expect nothing less from King Chalupa and his evil minions,” I responded with a small laugh.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You haven’t seen your captors?”

  “No, a young Chalupan girl is the only person we’ve seen, and she comes three times a day to deliver food and drinks.”

  “So, who brought us in here?”

  “No idea, as we were all asleep,” a man standing beside Estelle answered.

  I thought for a moment.

  “The girl who brings you stuff—her name wouldn’t happen to be Bachué, would it?”

  “No, Bachué is not the girl, but I imagine you’ll be relieved to know that your new Chalupan girlfriend arrived with you and Alessandra last night, and she’s still sleeping over there on the other side of the chamber.”

  “Oh, thank God.”

  Estelle’s demeanor changed, and she looked mildly annoyed.

  “So, how in the hell do you know Bachué?”

  “I met her while we were questioning the locals about your mysterious disappearance.”

  “Of course you met the hottest girl in the village, as you’re a man-whore.”

  “He certainly is,” Alessandra interjected.

  Wonderful, now I could be badgered in stereo.

  “I’m a people person—it has nothing to do with gender.”

  “And I suppose that explains why Fabiana was leaving your room yesterday morning,” Alessandra said.

  “Fabiana, as in Lars Von Träger’s girlfriend?” Estelle asked, sounding increasingly more annoyed.

  “Yeah, why would you care?”

  “I don’t—well I…”

  “Wait, how do you know Lars?”

  “Hello! We’re here at his request, you jackass. Of course I know him. In fact, I know him very well.”

  “I’m sure you do.”

  There was a moment of silence while everyone took a breather, but instead of it bringing calm, it seemed to make Estelle more agitated.

  “So, am I to assume you’re getting it on with Fabiana?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Meaning?”

  I stewed a moment.

  “It’s complicated.”

  “One week. It only took you one week in a strange country, and you’ve already nailed two women.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I didn’t sleep with Bachué.”

  “Ha! So, you did sleep with Fabiana!”

  Before I could even answer, fate decided to deliver a swift kick to my balls and send any credibility I might hope to maintain right out the window—had we not been underground and lacking any kind of window. Bachué, who had apparently been sleeping only a second ago, was now wide awake and rushing over to see me, and, more interestingly, her robe was gone, and she was wonderfully, if not inconveniently, naked as she wrapped her arms around me.

  “Oh, Tag! My hero!” she said, before kissing me.

  I glanced over Bachué’s shoulder and could see Estelle glaring at me with what may very well have been the subtle glint of homicidal rage in her eyes.

  “I’m afraid that Bachué is still feeling the effects of the Sexstasy and needs to lie down and rest,” I said.

  “Wait, what the fuck is Sexstasy?” Estelle asked.

  “It’s a new recreational drug, and it’s pretty amazing actually. It reduces inhibition and enhances your feelings all while creating a vibrant dreamlike euphoria.”

  “So, you fucking drugged her with Sexstasy?”

  “No, dumbass—the evil minions did.”

  At that point, a pretty, earthy looking middle aged woman came forward and escorted Bachué back to wherever she had been sleeping, and I smiled in an attempt to try and conceal my discomfort, as I knew full well that I was about to get an earful of shit.

  “So, drugs or not, what exactly is your relationship with Bachué?” Estelle asked.

  “Um—well—obviously we know each other, and that was just some friendly gratitude combined with the effects of the drug.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “No, it’s true, but the more import
ant story at the moment is how I ended up here with you, and, when you hear it, you’re totally going to feel like an asshole for questioning me in such an accusatory manner.”

  “Fine, let’s hear it, man-whore.”

  I decided to start at the very beginning, as I figured that the longer Estelle had to relax and appreciate all I had done, the less angry she would continue to be—in theory, anyway. To that end, I went on to recount the entire story to Estelle and her fellow scientists, and they listened intently as I explained all that I had experienced since leaving home. That included everything from Hector attacking me on the plane to the date raping frat apes, Nate, Wainright, and my belief that Lars was plotting to illegally manufacture the Sexstasy. Of course, nothing drew more attention than the part where I explained that we entered the pyramid then found our way to the main hall and managed to stop faux King Chalupa from having ceremonial sex with Bachué.”

  “Wait—are you saying you managed to find an entrance to the pyramid?”

  “Yeah, and I’m pretty sure we’re inside it right now.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah, Alessandra and I managed to figure out how to get inside the pyramid before we were captured and put in this chamber, and you’ll be excited to learn that getting in to this fucker was right out of the Indiana Jones playbook.”

  “So, how did you do it?” the guy standing beside Estelle asked enthusiastically.

  “It was basically a puzzle. First, we used our hands to plug the water spouts on the outer fountain, and it created enough hydraulic pressure to lift the stone spheres out of their holes. Then, we used them as plugs in the fountain at the base of the pyramid—one redirected water to the female basin while the other plugged its drain hole, and it eventually weighed enough to sink down and trigger the mechanism to open the stone slab door at the base of the pyramid.”

  There was a round of excited gasps from everyone in the room. Leave it to a bunch of archaeologists to get excited about the location of their incarceration and forget about the very obvious fact that they were all still incarcerated. Oh well, I suppose their deep inner Indiana Jones’s figured being held captive beneath a great wonder of the ancient world was about as cool as getting held captive could get.

  “Oh, and you’ll be interested to learn that we found evidence in one of the upper chambers that shows that the Guatuso people also inhabited this area and could therefore make a valid claim to the land,” Alessandra added.

  “That’s exactly what we discovered as well,” Estelle responded.

  “Really? What did you find?” Alessandra asked.

  “A tablet that was buried beneath a back corner section of the market, and it had markings that depicted this was a kind of trading hub for several cultures, though it was primarily home to the Chalupa and Guatuso people. Still, we weren’t one hundred percent sure who exactly built the city, but it seemed as though both could potentially lay claim to the land.”

  “Well, the pictographs we found said that the Chalupans built the city, but, just as you learned, the Guatuso people also lived and traded here,” Alessandra said.

  “Interesting,” the guy standing beside Estelle said.

  Upon hearing this news, he and Estelle shared a look of excitement, and, after seeing their interaction, I took a closer look at the guy and instantly wondered if he was Estelle’s fiancé Thomas. He was good looking and about my height and age, though his hair was a little longer than mine and hung just past his ears. My initial take was that he seemed to be a nice, intelligent guy, so I therefore disliked him immediately.

  “So, I’m thinking that none of this would make Lars all that happy,” I said.

  “Probably not, but we still hadn’t released our findings to either Lars or the board of antiquities.”

  “I’m sure the billionaire has eyes all over this valley and knows exactly what you’ve found.”

  “Well, honestly, the remaining Guatuso would be very unlikely to be able to raise the funds for the purchase, nor have they ever made any kind of public announcement to that effect.”

  “But they could probably stall the deal, which could create an adequate motive for kidnapping all of you,” I responded.

  “Perhaps, but to what end? They couldn’t hold us here forever,” Estelle said.

  “Wait a minute, are you saying that the entire reason we’re all down here ultimately comes down to drugs?” the guy I suspected was Thomas asked.

  “Yeah—well—drugs and money, technically, as they usually go hand in hand—along with violence, of course.”

  “And you think Lars Von Träger is the mastermind?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I believe so. My name’s Finn by the way,” I said, as I held out my hand.

  “I’m Thomas,” he said, as we shook.

  Annoyingly, he had a nice, normal, and secure handshake, and was therefore most likely a nice, normal, and secure guy. He did, however, have the remains of some nasty looking claw marks on his forearm, so the blood DNA test had been accurate.

  “Ah, nice to meet you, Thomas. I believe I met a couple of your friends on the plane trip down.”

  “Oh really, and who would that be?” he asked.

  “Tina and Todd,” I said, as I threw a quick glance at Estelle.

  She immediately lowered her eyes as the guilt set in. About fucking time!

  “Oh, yeah, I almost forgot about the wedding with all that’s happened,” he said, looking decidedly upset at the mention of his spoiled nuptials.

  “Understandable,” I said.

  We had a few quiet moments before Alessandra restarted the conversation, though she steered it back to our Chalupa conundrum.

  “For the record, Finn doesn’t actually know if Lars is involved. He’s operating on circumstantial evidence, so, at this point, it could be anyone related to Von Träger Pharmaceuticals.”

  “I would have to agree with you, Alessandra,” Estelle said.

  “Oh, really, and why are you so apt to defend the billionaire?” I asked.

  “Because, as I already told you, I know the man, and I like and trust him.”

  “How well can you get to know him in a month?”

  “We have a very close professional relationship.”

  “Well, I think I should tell you that your friend, professional relationship or not, is very likely our host at the moment.”

  “That’s only speculation,” Alessandra said.

  “You saw his eyes. Tell me that wasn’t Lars.”

  “It wasn’t Lars, because I know he wouldn’t do this to me,” she said, though something in her tone belied an ever so subtle lack of conviction in her own statement.

  “Well, then I suppose we’ll learn that answer the hard way—over time, and, speaking of which, I’d like to know a little more about our situation here if we’re going to have any chance of escape.”

  “Ask away, but I should warn you that we’ve tried a lot of different ideas, and, as you can see, we’re still here,” Thomas said.

  “Maybe fresh eyes will help. Now, where’s the main door?”

  “Over there against that wall. As you can see, the entire center area is an island surrounded by water, and the only way in or out is across a little drawbridge that opens from the wall on the other side.

  “Have you tried to get across the moat and force it open?”

  “Yeah, but the wall is so smooth it’s virtually impossible.”

  “And you say a girl brings food and water three times a day?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is she accompanied by anyone? Half-man, half-beast minions perhaps?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You haven’t seen your captors?”

  “Only on the night of the attack, and it was dark, so we mostly just smelled and felt them.”

  “Well, then you’ll be happy to learn that they’re just a bunch of assholes in costumes that are coated with fart spray.”

  “Coated with what?” Estelle asked.

  �
��Fart spray,” Thomas interjected.

  “Which is?” Estelle asked.

  “It’s basically farts in an aerosol can. As kids, we used to spray each other with when we didn’t have actual farts,” Thomas said.

  “See? I told you,” I said, to Alessandra.

  “Men,” Estelle and Alessandra grumbled at the same time.

  “Well, we haven’t seen any of the demon creatures, and the door system is kind of set up like an airlock. The inner door that drops down to form the drawbridge doesn’t open until the door behind it is closed. We tried to rush the outer door once, but it was an entirely futile effort, as it was locked from the outside and way too solid to break down.”

  I turned my gaze back to our island of sorts and saw a stack of used paper plates piled up in a trash bag, and, seeing the empty plates made me realize I hadn’t eaten since last night, and I was feeling pretty hungry.

  “What’s on the menu?” I asked.

  “Usually rice and beans, but sometimes meat. It’s not bad, actually. Why do you ask?”

  “I’m hungry as well as being a little curious. Wait a minute. Beans? Here? In this closed airspace? Seriously?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And all of you can still breath normally after being on a diet of beans?”

  “Yeah,” he said, looking confused.

  “Finn has some serious issues regarding bodily functions such as farting and shitting,” Estelle said.

  “To be more specific, I don’t have a problem with farts—at least not my own, anyway, but I do like a little privacy whilst engaging in a number two.”

  “As does every man,“ Thomas said.