The Chalupa Conundrum

by Lyle Christie

  “Anyone mind filling me in on some of the final details?” I asked.

  “Absolutely, as soon as you tell me who the guy in the wacky costume is,” Hector said, stepping forward and offering me his hand.

  We shook hands, then I turned to face faux King Chalupa.

  “That’s Dr. Ernesto Tlijii. Oh wait, sorry, I mean Ernesto Von Träger—Lars’s apparently evil half-brother and a man I prefer to call the Kissing Bandito.”

  I then went on to explain all that I had uncovered in my investigation—the frat apes, the url for the secret drug trial, and of course the unusual fact that I had found the UCLA team were being held captive in a secret room beneath the Chalupa pyramid.

  “You’ve been a busy man. I wish we could have brought you into the fold sooner, which reminds me—I’m sorry about our first meeting, but we weren’t sure where you stood in all this. When we tried to run a background check on you, we couldn’t find anything—which is often the case with people who work outside the law. We had no idea at the time that your records were unavailable because of the work you did for the United States government.”

  “I understand, as I ran into a similar problem when I tried to run a background check on you. It’s actually quite appropriate that I called you Professor Snape, considering you turned out to be one of the good guys.”

  “Yes, indeed, and now that you’ve filled us in on your part of the story, I suppose that I should tell you the rest. Believe it or not, this operation started with a phone call from Scotland Yard. They had discovered a new drug was being distributed via clubs and bars in the UK and Europe, and agents arrested a dealer and managed to track his product delivery to a legitimate shipment of drugs from Von Träger Pharmaceuticals. We immediately contacted Lars, and he provided complete cooperation, and, after running several internal audits of his company’s communications, we discovered a mid level employee named Michael Gentley was communicating with several known international drug dealers as well as Dean Donald Delaney.”

  Interesting. I had no idea when I met Michael the other day that he would be one of the players in this sordid affair. It’s always the quiet ones you have to look out for.

  “And let me guess. Michael Gentley was also the guy who oversaw the off-the-books clinical trial that was giving the drugs to college students.”

  “Yes, though we had no idea who else was involved at Von Träger, as Ernesto did a damn good job of keeping off our radar.”

  “Mine too, though it makes perfect sense now—considering I saw Michael and the Kissing Bandito out here together a few days ago. Originally, I assumed Nate was the pusher man giving Sexstasy out to the college students.”

  “Definitely not, though it was quite a convoluted conspiracy, especially when we had the sudden and very mysterious disappearance of the UCLA team. That one definitely threw us all for a loop, and, to make matters worse, we then had a rogue American added to the mix.”

  “And you obviously thought I was one of the bad guys.”

  “We did, though primarily because of your connection to Dean Donald Delaney, and, at that point, you instantly became a very promising lead and a major obstacle, though we never imagined you’d end up being the one to single handedly ferret out Ernesto as our final player.”

  “I was happy to help, but I must say—I’m a little curious why you had Nate and Wainright rather than trained agents out doing your field work and surveillance.”

  “Not knowing how high the corruption went or who might be involved, we needed to keep the investigation completely off the radar, and, bringing in an agent, especially under the guise of a new employee, would have aroused too much suspicion. So, Nate, Wainright, and you, as it turned out, were the only internal assets working to bring this all to a happy conclusion.”

  “For the good guys, anyway.”

  “Yes, thankfully, though I am still a little curious why they brought you down to Costa Rica.”

  “I believe it was because I was a liability.”

  “How so?” Hector asked.

  “Estelle called me the night they all got kidnapped from the camp, and I suspect Donald and Ernesto were nervous that she might have told me about their findings. So, by hiring me to investigate the team’s disappearance, they got me here onto their turf, where it would be a hell of a lot easier to get rid of me if it turned out I knew too much.”

  “It’s crazy to think that all this time, we’ve been stupidly working against each other.”

  “Indeed, and it doesn’t matter if it’s an intelligence operation, a marriage, or basic friendship—success always seems to come down to proper communication.”

  “It sure does.”

  “So, on a side note, I’m curious how in the hell you managed to get to San Francisco in time to be on my flight? That should have been logistically impossible.”

  He smiled.

  “I happened to be in Los Angeles investigating Dean Donald Delaney, so, when we saw that he booked a flight for you on his UCLA credit card, I got my ass on a plane right away in order to start monitoring you, as you were a new exciting lead.”

  “Not that exciting as it turned out.”

  “Says the guy who didn’t get knocked out and left in a plane lavatory.”

  “Well, I guess there was that. Sorry—by the way.”

  “Apology accepted, considering I had hoped to do the same to you.”

  We shared a little laugh.

  “So, there are two more little pieces to this puzzle that I still haven’t figured out, but it’s related to Lars,” I said.

  “What is it?” Lars asked.

  “Well, the first reason I thought you were our King Chalupa is because you left the castle for three hours last night. We now know Ernesto used that break for a little date rape ceremony, but what the hell were you doing?”

  “Meeting with me, as I wanted to give him an update and see what he’d learned from his meeting with you the day before,” Hector said.

  “Ah, I see, well that just leaves the King Chalupa costume I found hidden away in your office, which, by the way, was completely identical to Ernesto’s.”

  Lars smiled.

  “Every Chalupan man is given the ceremonial outfit of King Chalupa on his eighteenth birthday—even half-Chalupan men like Ernesto and me.”

  Everyone was quiet for a moment, and my gaze unintentionally turned to Ernesto and Donald.

  “So, what was the reason for resurrecting the whole King Chalupa facade?”

  “You’re the investigator—you tell me,” Ernesto said.

  I thought for a moment and realized I already knew the answer.

  “You resurrected King Chalupa and his minions as a way to scare the population into submission. You knew that they were superstitious, so, when you updated the lab three years ago and were ready to begin production as well as your off-the-books clinical trials, you started using your facade to enslave your beloved people as free labor. As long as they believed you were King Chalupa, they’d do whatever shitty job you gave them. The only thing that doesn’t make sense is the whole sex alter part.”

  Ernesto smiled.

  “That part was purely for enjoyment.”

  “So, I guess you really are the lascivious kissing bandito I thought you were.”

  “Oh, yes indeed.”

  Alessandra shook her head in dismay.

  “What a pig,” she said.

  “Well, at least Ernesto will have to curb his urges, unless, of course, he happens to have some attraction to his partner in crime Dean Donald Delany,” I said.

  “Excellent point, Finn. Now, Captain Vasquez, you are free to take the prisoners away.”

  Ernesto and Donald struggled as they were led past us.

  “It’s still hard to imagine the dean of a prestigious archaeology department and a pharmaceutical executive were behind all this madness.”

  Donald looked over his shoulder and sneered.

  “Yeah, and we would have gotten away with it too, if ha
dn’t been for you—you meddling asshole!” he said.

  “That wasn’t exactly the Scooby Doo ending I was expecting, but it was close enough,” I said.

  Hector laughed, which meant he had apparently seen a Scooby Doo cartoon.

  Suddenly, Ernesto looked back over his shoulder and yelled.

  “Fuck you, Finn, and, in case you didn’t already figure it out—I never soaked the beans! I never soaked the beans!” he called out maniacally.

  “What the hell does that mean?” Hector asked.

  “Nothing, it’s just a reference to a futile attempt to cockblock me.”

  “All right then, now that we’ve finally resolved everything, what say we all head down the pyramid and go celebrate back at my estate?” Lars suggested.

  “Do you still have any of Ernesto’s Cacique Guaro? I asked.

  “At least a case, and, as his only family member, I suppose it is my responsibility to take care of it.”

  That was it. I had finally resolved my Chalupa Conundrum, and it was time to celebrate, though it was also time to lament the fact that Estelle would soon be getting married. At least I would have plenty of alcohol and a supermodel in which to drown my sorrows.

  Everyone loaded up in vehicles, and, twenty minutes later, we were back at Lars’s estate, and the alcohol was flowing as freely as water through a Chalupan aqueduct. Everyone was happy, and, unlike earlier in the night, it was truly a celebration, and now I was able to see everyone as their true selves. Lars, for instance, seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Instead of him being the cocky billionaire adulterer, I now saw the conscientious philanthropist that Alessandra saw when she looked into his dazzlingly light blue eyes—the lucky fucker. And Thomas wasn’t exactly boring, but he was intelligent, which stupid people often mistook for boring, and now I was finally able to see the man that Estelle was going to marry. I might not like the idea, but I could at least like the man—for the moment anyway.

  Excitement filled the air, and I listened in as Estelle and Thomas talked with Lars about the Chalupa Heritage site. Apparently, it would go forward as planned, and, even though Dean Donald Delaney had been involved with Sexstasy and committed the illegal acts of kidnapping and attempted murder, his addendum to the Chalupa National Heritage site was technically legal and therefore legitimate. That meant Lars had his land deal, and the Chalupan people, ironically would finally be able to call the place they’ve called home for over a thousand years, exactly that—home. So, everyone had something to celebrate, except perhaps for me. Sure, I had solved my case and found my missing scientists, but that was where my fun ended. I therefore decided I needed some air and refilled my glass with Cacique Guaro then stepped out onto the deck, where I paused at the railing to gaze at the beautiful Costa Rican night. I saw the Omega Centauri cluster that Ernesto had pointed out and realized that even a sociopath might have something valuable to share. A moment later, I heard footsteps and turned to see Alessandra walking over to join me.

  “What are you doing out here all alone?” she asked.

  “Just enjoying the night. How are things with you and Lars? Have he and Fabiana officially broken up yet?”

  “Yeah, and she’s going to be moving out in the morning.”

  “That’s good news, as now you and your Lars-bear can finally officially be together.”

  “Yeah, it’ll be nice, but there is something I want to clear up.”

  “What would that be?”

  “Our time together, and by that I’m referring to the waterfall, the crazy night at the camp, and, most of all, that final moment in the cave.”

  “There’s nothing to worry about. I thought we already addressed that—what happens in the cave, stays in the cave.”

  “Yeah, well I still feel bad for kind of taking you on an emotional roller coaster. The problem is that I’m a one-man kind of girl, but I was incredibly drawn to you, and the situation with Lars was frustrating enough that it inspired me to break from my usual behavior.”

  “Don’t forget that there was a little drug encouragement as well.”

  “True, but the feelings were legitimate, so, now, I just want to say I’m sorry.”

  “Nothing to be sorry about. It was quite a ride—crazy at times, but, overall, I wouldn’t take any of it back.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way, because I’d still like to be friends.”

  “With benefits?”

  “We’ll have to see how it goes with Lars—and your supermodel.”

  I took a moment to glance inside and saw Estelle laughing and immediately turned back around to see Alessandra watching me. She smiled and looked at me knowingly.

  “I can’t help wondering if perhaps you’re out here in order to avoid hanging out with Estelle.”

  “You would be correct in that assumption.”

  “Well, since we’re getting things out in the open, are you finally willing to admit that you might not be entirely over her yet?”

  I thought a moment and smiled.

  “Yes, I can finally admit that now.”

  “Good, because that is the first sign that you might actually be starting to deal with it, and that means you’ll be able to move on.”

  “It’s hard moving on, though I suppose it’s part of life, and, when I say that, I’m referring to the whole enchilada—relationships, jobs, friends, and even the joy and wonderment of childhood.”

  “Interesting—what made you include childhood?” she asked, sounding curious.

  “The King Chaulpa myth and what it felt like while we believed it might be real. Rationally, it was ridiculous, but part of me wanted to believe that the world still had its mysteries, because it would also mean that Santa Claus, Sasquatch, and even the Loch Ness monster might also exist somewhere out there in the world.”

  “And perhaps your relationship with Estelle too?”

  “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You’re wasting your time digging in the dirt. You should be a psychologist, so you can dig through people’s minds. You definitely have a knack for it.”

  She moved closer and wrapped her arm though mine, and we stood there enjoying each other’s company under a sky full of stars. I suddenly heard a strange noise off to my left and turned to see Lars standing there in his King Chalupa costume. He lifted his spear and nodded, which I took to be some kind of drunken salutation, and so I held up my glass and nodded back before turning to Alessandra.

  “I think your not-so-secret-anymore boyfriend is hammered,” I said.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because he’s wearing his King Chalupa costume.”

  Alessandra glanced inside then back at me.

  “No, he’s not,” she said.

  “Yeah he is. Look at him,” I said, pointing over to the spot on the deck where he’d been standing.

  The deck was now empty, and I was getting an unusual feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  “He was there a second ago,” I said.

  Alessandra pointed through the window, and I looked inside to see Lars, sans his King Chalupa costume, chatting away with Estelle and Thomas.

  “Are you feeling OK?” she asked.

  “Yeah, but I think I’m ready to head back inside.”

  “I think that’s a good idea.”

  As we turned to go, I paused and looked off into the darkness and felt an odd tingling. It was my scrot-sense, but it wasn’t a warning. Instead it felt more like a wake-up call—a sign that life was still full of the wonders and mystery that we had experienced in childhood but had forgotten as adults.

  “Thank you, King Chalupa. I needed that,” I said, quietly to myself.

  CHAPTER FORTY

  Hard Choices

  TWO DAYS HAD passed since the Chalupa case came to a close, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I had experienced something supernatural out on Lars’s deck that night. I wasn’t a superstitious person, yet whatever I had seen was impossible to explain in any rational way. Still, part of
me wondered if I had received an accidental dose of Sexstasy or perhaps even breathed in a little too much pollen from the Chalupa Flowers growing around Lars’s estate, but I suppose that mystery would remain unsolved.

  That just left my final conundrum—namely the wedding that I was supposed to attend the following afternoon. I was currently in the Guanacaste Beach region of Costa Rica at a beautiful resort that resided upon the clear blue Caribbean Sea—the very same sea in which I had been when I first met Estelle. At the moment I was standing on the edge of the surf, and the water was warm, and the air was even warmer in spite of the fact that the sun was just now dipping below the horizon. It was a perfect moment—well—other than the fact that I was at Thomas and Estelle’s rehearsal dinner party, and I was completely surrounded by people yet still feeling utterly alone.

  I should have been happy, as it was a particularly fun party and included a lot of new friends that included Lars, Alessandra, the UCLA team, and my travel buddies Tina and Todd. Incidentally, Tina and Todd managed to finally hook up after Todd got especially drunk and, as I already suspected, revealed his secret love for Tina. As it turned out, Tina had always felt the same way but had never been comfortable revealing her feelings for fear he didn’t feel the same way. Luckily there was nothing quite as effective as a romantic beachside wedding to bring out the romance—well except perhaps for me, as I was once again the odd man out. Of course, this all might have been more bearable if Fabiana had stayed in town, but she got a call to do the cover of the latest issue of Vogue and had left to San Jose this morning to catch a flight for Paris.

  I decided it was time to man-up and rejoin the party, so I left the sand for the adjacent patio and spent the rest of the evening talking and making the best of it until it all finally came to an end, and I returned to my room, which, ironically, was one of the hotel’s honeymoon suites. There, I made myself a light rum drink and sat on the deck and stared out at the view and pondered the unintended consequences of having become a man-whore. It was feeling as though I would always be doomed to be the groomsman but never the groom, and, as I sat and continued to drink in mild self-pity, there was a knock at my front door, and I headed inside and opened it to discover Estelle. She was still in the tight form fitting dress she’d been wearing at the party, and she looked painfully beautiful.