The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Original Radio Scripts

by Douglas Adams

  POODOO: It’s just, do you know those girls over there?

  ARTHUR: What? Yes.

  POODOO: Oh that’s good, thank you very much, that’s all I wanted. That’s all, thanks.

  ARTHUR: Good. (Turns to shout) Lintilla! Throw the gun!!

  POODOO: Only why I ask you see is, and seeing as you’re busy I’ll just be very brief . . . did I introduce my friends?

  ARTHUR: Yes.

  POODOO: I’m sure they’d like to introduce themselves.

  ALLITNIL 1: Hello, I’m Allitnil. (To get this name, we record him saying ‘Lintilla’ and then reverse that piece of tape)

  ALLITNIL 2: So am I.

  ALLITNIL 3: Me too.

  ARTHUR: Go away.

  POODOO: And this is Vartvar the priest.

  PRIEST: Varntvar.

  POODOO: Varntvar. He’s a priest you see. Does marriages and other things, but mostly marriages, only . . .

  ARTHUR: Shut up.

  POODOO: We were wondering if you could introduce Allitnil . . .

  (Same treatment)

  ARTHUR: Who?

  POODOO: Allitnil. And Allitnil and Allitnil, to the girls, your lady friends.

  ARTHUR: (Just trying to ignore it) Lintilla!!

  POODOO: Yes, that’s right. Just socially you see. All very pleasant.

  ARTHUR: Throw the gun!

  POODOO: We’ve brought some drinks. We can just have a quiet social get together. And some music of course. Got to have some music. Here we go.

  F/X: POODOO TURNS ON A SMALL CASSETTE RECORDER WHICH PLAYS RATHER TINNILY SOME SLUSHY HOTEL BAR MUSIC

  ARTHUR: Throw the gun!!!

  F/X: THE GUN LANDS WITH A CLATTER BESIDE ARTHUR

  LINTILLA: (Distant) Got it?

  ARTHUR: Got it. Now when I start firing, run!

  F/X: ARTHUR STARTS FIRING. POODOO HAS TO RAISE HIS VOICE OVER THE SOUND OF THE GUN

  POODOO: Then if it all goes very well you see, we’ve got a priest on hand in case anybody wants to get married at all. Just to round off the evening.

  ARTHUR: Are you totally mad?

  POODOO: No no, they’re not married yet. Oh did you say mad?

  ARTHUR: Yes.

  POODOO: Oh no, well I don’t think so. I thought you said married. Course they would be mad talking about marrying these girls if they were married already. Well, they could talk about it of course, but somebody else would have to actually do it. Anyway . . .

  ARTHUR: Shut up.

  POODOO: Right ho squire.

  ARTHUR: (Shouts) Run!!

  POODOO: They’re quite keen to get married though. Aren’t you?

  ALLITNIL 1: Yes.

  ALLITNIL 2: Oh yes.

  ALLITNIL 3: Very much so.

  ARTHUR: Where did you nutters come from? Run!!!

  POODOO: Well what we did was you see, we flew in. We flew in you see. Oh yes, we definitely flew in.

  ARTHUR: Well bloody fly out again.

  F/X: THE THREE LINTILLAS (WHO ARE NOT AN ITALIAN HIGH WIRE ACT, THOUGH I’M SURE WE DON’T ACTUALLY NEED TO MENTION THIS FACT, ONLY PERHAPS, WELL I DON’T KNOW, PUT IT IN ANYWAY) THE THREE LINTILLAS AND MARVIN RUN TOWARDS THEM. ARTHUR IS FIRING HARD

  ARTHUR: Lintilla, Lintilla, Lintilla! Are you all right?

  LINTILLAS: (Who are still not an Italian High Wire Act, just in case I caused any confusion with my last note on the matter) Yes.

  POODOO: Hello ladies.

  (A moment or so later they suddenly gasp with delighted astonishment, but meanwhile Arthur has become engrossed in a very brief conversation with Marvin)

  ARTHUR: Marvin? (i.e. Are you all right too)

  MARVIN: Never better.

  ARTHUR: Good.

  MARVIN: Still very bad though.

  ARTHUR: Right. All you Lintillas, can you start firing again whilst I run the next bit?

  LINTILLAS: Ahh!!

  ARTHUR: Lintilla? What’s going on?

  F/X: MEANWHILE, POODOO HAS TURNED HIS TAPE ON AGAIN. THERE IS THE SOUND OF CLINKING GLASSES AND DRINKS BEING POURED

  (The Lintillas and the Allitnils are saying hello to each other, they are all overcome with shyness but obviously attracted to each other)

  F/X: SHOTS AND CRIES STILL COMING FROM THE FOOTWARRIORS IN THE DISTANCE

  POODOO: I think the lads and lasses are just getting acquainted. I’d leave them to it if I were you.

  ARTHUR: What? Look, we’re trying to escape from the footwarriors. Can we have parties later?

  LINTILLA: But, Arthur . . .

  LINTILLA 2: We can’t believe it!

  LINTILLA 3: These are the most attractive men we’ve ever met!

  OVERLAPPING

  ARTHUR: (Simultaneously astonished, worried about the footwarriors, and slightly disappointed. Bit of anger in there too. Come on Simon, you can do it)

  Are they?

  ALLITNIL 1: Oh Lintilla!

  ALLITNIL 2: All my life I’ve longed for such a moment!

  ALLITNIL 3: You’re all my dreams come true.

  OVERLAPPING

  POODOO: Touching isn’t it?

  ARTHUR: Look, what the hell is going on here?

  F/X: SOME FOOTWARRIOR ZAPS ARE NOW GETTING PERILOUSLY CLOSE

  POODOO: Oh, just happiness, squire, only it’s nice to bring a little happiness into life don’t you think?

  ARTHUR: Yes, but there’s a time and place for everything.

  (General inarticulate sounds of love and happiness from the Lintillas and the Allitnils)

  ARTHUR: Well I’ll just get on with the shooting and saving everybody’s lives then shall I?

  F/X: BLAST OF GUNFIRE FROM ARTHUR’S GUN

  POODOO: No kissing, now, lovebirds. Very old fashioned sector of the galaxy this. No kissing allowed without names firmly on marriage certificates.

  (Burst of disappointment from the six lovers)

  POODOO: Oh, looks like a cue for action from you then doesn’t it padre? And I just happen to have the warrants for your marriage, sorry, licences about my person . . .

  F/X: ANOTHER BURST OF GUNFIRE FROM ARTHUR

  ARTHUR: (Mutters to himself) Mad. Totally bonkers.

  POODOO: And then as soon as you’re all happily conjoined you can get on with escaping and everything knowing that you have the love, support and trust of your chosen partners. Nice isn’t it? Now who’s going to marry whom?

  F/X: ANOTHER BURST OF GUNFIRE

  ARTHUR: (Shouting) Listen, you footwarriors, can you hold hard a bit with the firing? I’ve just got three impromptu weddings breaking out behind me.

  FOOTWARRIORS: (Calling from a distance) What?

  ARTHUR: Weddings. You know, with this ring I thee wed and that sort of stuff.

  FOOTWARRIORS: Did you say weddings?

  ARTHUR: Yes.

  (Almost inaudible mutterings from footwarriors ‘Did he say weddings?’ ‘Yes, I think so.’ etc.)

  FOOTWARRIORS: Can we come?

  ARTHUR: No! Stay back!

  F/X: ANOTHER BURST OF GUNFIRE

  PRIEST: Dearly beloved, we are gathered . . .

  POODOO: Yeah, yeah, we’ll skip all that. Let’s just get straight on with the signing and the pronouncement, shall we?

  ARTHUR: (To himself) Let’s just go mad shall we?

  F/X: MORE FIRING

  POODOO: Now what you all do you see is you sign here, that’s right, look, let’s change the music, something a bit special for you . . .

  F/X: THE TINNY MUSIC ON THE CASSETTE CHANGES TO THE WEDDING MARCH

  ARTHUR: (Shouting to the footwarriors) Keep back!

  F/X: BURST OF FIRING FROM ARTHUR

  POODOO: That’s good, that’s very good. Right, padre.

  PRIEST: I now pronounce you men and wives.

  POODOO: Men, you can kiss your brides.

  F/X: ONE KISS, FOLLOWED BY A CRY FROM ONE LINTILLA WHICH VANISHES WITH A SMALL CLAP OF THUNDER OR A WHOOSH OR SOMETHING, FOLLOWED BY THE SAME SEQUENCE AGAIN

  ARTHUR: (Cry of utter horror, real over the top time) Lintilla!r />
  GRAMS: NARRATOR BACKGROUND

  NARRATOR: (His voice should enter almost on top of Arthur’s line) Nervewrackingly enough, the moment at which two Lintillas and two Allitnils unexpectedly vanish in what can only be described as a puff of unsmoke, coming as it does only seconds before Arthur discovers that Poodoo’s alleged marriage licences are not what they purport to be but are in fact ‘agreements to cease to be’ drawn up by the Cloning Machine Company’s lawyers, is also the moment at which it becomes necessary to consider new developments in the Ford Prefect/Zaphod Beeblebrox situation. Having gained access to the ship, they prepare to enter the passenger compartments. This is what they find:

  F/X: (VERY QUICKLY, SO THAT IT DOESN’T INTERRUPT THE FLOW OF THIS VERY EXCITING PIECE OF NARRATIVE) A DOOR HUMS OPEN

  FORD: Passengers!

  ZAPHOD: (Awestruck) Yeah . . .

  FORD: But alive!

  ZAPHOD: Sleeping.

  FORD: For all these years?

  ZAPHOD: Suspended animation.

  FORD: And the voice we heard?

  ZAPHOD: Android stewardess. Look, here she comes now . . .

  STEWARDESS: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for bearing with us during this slight delay. We will be taking off as soon as we possibly can. If you would like to wake up now I will serve you coffee and biscuits. Wake up now.

  F/X: ALL THE PASSENGERS WAKE UP WITH A START AND A MASS CRY OF HORROR FURY AND ANGUISH. THIS SHOULD BE REALLY SHOCKING AND FRIGHTENING

  ZAPHOD: Run, man!

  F/X: AS THE TERRIBLE NOISE FROM THE PASSENGERS CONTINUES UNABATED, WE HEAR FORD AND ZAPHOD RUN TO A DOOR WHICH HUMS OPEN, AND CLOSED BEHIND THEM, CUTTING OUT PART OF THE NOISE. THEY RUN A BIT FURTHER, ANOTHER DOOR HUMS OPEN, AND CLOSED BEHIND THEM, CUTTING THE SOUND A BIT MORE. THEY RUN FURTHER. ANOTHER DOOR HUMS OPEN AND CLOSED BEHIND THEM, CUTTING OFF THE NOISE FROM THE PASSENGERS COMPLETELY.

  THE NEW PLACE THEY HAVE ARRIVED IN IS THE FLIGHT DECK.

  ALL SYSTEMS ON THE FLIGHT DECK ARE IN SLOW TIME MODE, SO THE USUAL ASSORTMENT OF BLIPS AND WHIRRS SOUND VERY SLOW, DEEP AND HOLLOW.

  ZAPHOD AND FORD ARRIVE PANTING. (DOING A LOT OF THIS AREN’T THEY?)

  THEY ARE ALSO FAIRLY DISTURBED

  ZAPHOD: (Collapsing and panting) Hey, what gives, man, what gives, what gives, what gives? What gives!

  FORD: They woke up! They all woke up! It was . . . I’ve never . . . (Ad lib inarticulacy)

  AUTOPILOT: Passengers are not allowed on the flight deck. Please return to your seats and wait for the ship to take off. Coffee and biscuits are being served. This is your autopilot speaking. Please return to your seats.

  ZAPHOD: Go back in there?

  FORD: We’re not passengers.

  AUTOPILOT: Please return to your seats.

  ZAPHOD: We’re not passengers.

  AUTOPILOT: Please return to your seats.

  ZAPHOD: We’re not . . . hello? Can you hear me?

  FORD: What’s happening on this hell ship?

  AUTOPILOT: There has been a delay. The passengers are kept in temporary suspended animation for their comfort and convenience. Coffee and biscuits are served every ten years, after which passengers are returned to suspended animation for their comfort and convenience. Departure will take place when flight stores are complete. We apologize for the delay.

  FORD: Delay? Have you seen the world outside this ship? It’s a wasteland, a desert. Civilization’s been and gone. It’s over. There are no lemon soaked paper napkins on the way from anywhere.

  AUTOPILOT: The statistical likelihood is that other civilizations will arise. There will one day be lemon soaked paper napkins. Till then, there will be a short delay. Please return to your seats.

  FORD: We are not. . .

  AUTOPILOT: Please return to your seats! Return to your seats! Return to your seats! Return to your seats!

  (Etc. Etc., the voice gets louder and louder, building up an oppressive metallic echo. The sound becomes very painful)

  FORD: (Shouting) Let’s get out of here! This way!

  ZAPHOD: No! This way!

  FORD: Why?

  ZAPHOD: First class. Come on.

  F/X: DOOR HUMS OPEN. REPEAT THE FIRST SERIES OF RUNNING FEET AND OPENING AND CLOSING DOORS. THIS TIME WITH THE SOUND OF THE AUTOPILOT’S VOICE GRADUALLY FADING BEHIND US

  AS THE LAST DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES THEY STOP RUNNING, BUT PANT AGAIN. BEFORE THEY HAVE TIME TO CATCH THEIR BREATH A VOICE SPEAKS TO THEM

  MAN: Zaphod Beeblebrox?

  ZAPHOD: (As if spinning round) Huh? Who?

  MAN: My name’s Zarniwoop. You wanted to see me. Please sit down.

  GRAMS: NARRATOR BACKGROUND

  NARRATOR: And since this is of course an immensely frustrating and nervewracking moment for the narrative suddenly to switch tracks again, that is precisely what the narrative will now do.

  ARTHUR: Lintilla – are you all right?

  LINTILLA: (Weakly) I think so. Just shattered and drained.

  ARTHUR: Marvin’s got Poodoo and the priest under control. They’re . . .

  LINTILLA: They’re from the cloning machine company, I know.

  ARTHUR: Marvin’s tied them up. He’s put a cassette of his autobiography in their tape machine and left it running, so I think it’s all up with them.

  (In the background we hear vaguely:)

  MARVIN: In the beginning I was made. I didn’t ask to be made, no one consulted me or considered my feelings in the matter. I don’t think it even occurred to them that I might have feelings, but if it brought some passing sadistic pleasure to some mentally benighted humans as they pranced their haphazard way through life’s mournful jungle then so be it. After I was made I was left in a dark room for six months, and me with this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. I called for succour in my loneliness, but did anyone come? Did they hell. My first and only true friend was a small rat. One day it: crawled into a cavity in my right ankle and died. I’ve a horrible feeling it’s still there . . .

  (This is accompanied by agonized shrieks from Poodoo and Varntvar)

  ARTHUR: And as for the third Allitnil – well it’s the only time I’ve ever killed a man in cold blood, and I don’t feel awfully . . .

  LINTILLA: He wasn’t a real man. He was an anticlone. There must be millions of them now roaming the galaxy. Wiping out my sisters. What’s happened to the footwarriors?

  ARTHUR: The Flying Chiropodist arrived. They all went off to have a word with him. Are you fit?

  LINTILLA: Yes. I’m fine really I am. Come on. We must get to the spaceport. Coming Marvin?

  MARVIN: I suppose so.

  (Fade)

  (Fade up. External acoustic. Wind)

  ARTHUR: There it is. Just a mile away. Nice clear day for a brisk walk. See that huge form over there in the distance?

  LINTILLA: Yes.

  ARTHUR: Fifteen mile high statue of me throwing a cup. Not often one comes across that sort of thing. Up there you see is the cup itself. Apparently it’s held there by art. Wonderful isn’t it? Just a pity that our ship’s parked in it.

  LINTILLA: Arthur! Look! Look, it’s coming down!

  ARTHUR: What? God, so it is! The cup’s coming down! No it isn’t! The ground’s going up.

  F/X: DEEP RUMBLES

  LINTILLA: The sky’s moving . . . sideways? It’s folding up!

  ARTHUR: What’s happening?

  MARVIN: Oh dear, I think you’ll find reality’s on the blink again.

  GRAMS: NARRATOR BACKGROUND

  NARRATOR: And this is indeed what we find. For deep in the heart of the first class passenger section of the slightly delayed Transtellar Spacelines ship the following horrifying events have been taking place.

  ZARNIWOOP: Can I get you a drink?

  FORD: Er . . .

  ZAPHOD: Zarniwoop!

  ZARNIWOOP: The same.

  FORD: I think . . .

  ZAPHOD: But who are you, man? Why do I want to see you? I was told you were on an intergalactic cruise, which
I can handle, but in your office, which I can’t.

  ZARNIWOOP: But I assure you it is true.

  ZAPHOD: Hey, what?

  FORD: I wonder . . .

  ZAPHOD: What do you want, Ford?

  FORD: Er, a small Janx spirit if there is one.

  (This is what he’s been trying to say all this time)

  ZAPHOD: Get the man a drink Zarniwoop.

  FORD: Or indeed a large one.

  ZAPHOD: And one for me. Two for me. There’s nothing worse than having only one drunk head.

  F/X: CLINK OF GLASSES, POURING OF DRINKS

  ZARNIWOOP: Here’s to your achievement, Zaphod Beeblebrox.

  ZAPHOD: Achievement? Oh, er yeah . . . yeah.

  FORD: What achievement?

  ZAPHOD: Oh I dunno. I achieve so many things you know.

  ZARNIWOOP: You have the Heart of Gold. You have brought it here?

  ZAPHOD: Er, yeah.

  ZARNIWOOP: Into my Universe?

  ZAPHOD: Yeah – er what?

  ZARNIWOOP: This Universe – I created it in my office. You’ve been in it for quite a while now.

  ZAPHOD: Huh?

  FORD: Is it all right if I just go and sit in this corner and get drunk? I may sing quietly if that doesn’t disturb you. It’s just been – well you know how it is.

  F/X: FOR A WHILE WE HEAR THE CONTINUING POURING OF DRINKS AND A BIT OF QUIET BETELGEUSE SINGING FROM FORD GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND

  ZAPHOD: You mean we’re in . . . an artificial Universe?

  ZARNIWOOP: Oh yes.

  ZAPHOD: All that out there? Like, in your office . . .?

  ZARNIWOOP: Yes.

  ZAPHOD: Man, I’ve heard of open plan, but . . .

  ZARNIWOOP: It’s modelled very closely on the real one you know, with just a few . . . differences.

  ZAPHOD: But when did we get into it man, I mean like, where, when?

  ZARNIWOOP: You didn’t notice? Well, (He laughs slightly) I’ll let you work it out for yourself. Now you have brought me the ship we can dismantle this Universe, return to the real one and find what we’re after.

  ZAPHOD: Can I just ask you some questions?

  ZARNIWOOP: By all means.

  ZAPHOD: OK, well for starters I’ll have Who, What, When and Where, and then Whither, Whether, Whence and Wherefore to follow and one big side order of Why.