The Me I Used to Be

by Jennifer Ryan

  And time—that bitch—had taken it from her, too.

  She fell to her butt under the tree, her back to the trunk, brought her knees up, laid her head down on them, and cried in wailing sobs that she hadn’t allowed herself to shed during the church or the graveside service. She didn’t want anyone to see. Because if they looked close enough they’d see that mixed in with her grief was the rage she carried these last four years.

  Two little hands landed on her arms a split second before a body slammed into her. She raised her head, surprised to see Will.

  Charlie walked across the field toward her.

  “Sad Auntie. Grandpa died.”

  Evangeline wiped her eyes and nose. She looked up at Charlie. “What are you doing here?”

  “You always come here when you want to be alone.”

  “And yet, here you are?”

  Will plopped into her lap and leaned back against her chest.

  Charlie smiled down at his son. “He’s in love with you.”

  She kissed Will on the head. “At least someone is.”

  Charlie’s eyes narrowed. “What does that mean?”

  “What put me in prison seems to have erased everything I did and who I was before that day. Everyone looks at me like I’m to blame for everything that happened over the last four years. I wasn’t even here.” She took a breath and calmed down. “I get that makes you mad. I missed your wedding, the birth of your sons, birthdays, holidays, everything big and small that happened during that time. It crushes me to see how much I missed. I spent all those birthdays and holidays alone in a cell thinking about all of you. Seems no one ever spared me a thought aside from casting blame. You’re all treating me like I didn’t want to be here, when that is the furthest thing from the truth.”

  “Then you shouldn’t have done it,” he snapped. “How could you put everything on the line like that?”

  God, how she wanted to spill her guts and tell him the truth. But what purpose would it serve now? It was self-serving to dump her shit on him and change the way he viewed the past four years just so he wouldn’t think she was a complete idiot. “Sometimes you do something for someone not realizing what they’re asking you to do.”

  That’s as close as she’d come to the truth.

  “If someone put you up to it, why didn’t you just say so?”

  “It doesn’t matter how it happened. I was driving the truck with stolen goods. Period. End of story.”

  “But—”

  “There is no but, Charlie. I did it. I can’t change it. I’m sorry as hell for putting you and the rest of the family through that. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else. I tried damn hard to keep you out of it.”

  “Is that why you refused to see Dad?”

  “What good would it have done to let him walk into that place and see me there?”

  “He said it all the time. He just needed to know you were okay.”

  “Then it’s all the better he never saw me locked behind bars. I wasn’t okay. Not one single day I was there. If I let him visit, he’d have seen that and had to leave without me, knowing that I was a wreck and that place was killing me inside.”

  Will played with her hair, but it didn’t soothe her.

  “I’m sorry about what happened to you. I’m sorry I didn’t come over last night to see you when you got home. I’m glad you’re out. If not for you, who knows what might have happened today?” He stared down at his son, happy as could be sitting in her lap, brushing his cheek with her hair.

  “I just wish you could all stop looking at me and seeing nothing but that mistake.”

  “It’s good to see you with him. I always knew you’d be a great aunt. You’d be the one to spoil them and teach them how to climb trees. Today you put your life on the line to save his. Though I never really consciously thought about it, I know you’d do that for any one of us.” Charlie cocked his hip and planted his hands on his waist. “I’m sorry we just left you there alone. You refused to see Dad, so we all just backed off and went on with our lives. I could have written, called, something.”

  “Stormed the castle,” she suggested, giving him a break and reminding him how she’d made them play pretend as kids. She the princess to his valiant knight. More often than not, her brothers dragged her into their Indiana Jones games. They liked adventure and treasure hunting more than saving their princess sister from invaders.

  Charlie gave her the first inkling of a smile she’d seen from him all day. “You did the saving today. I really can’t thank you enough. How’s the leg?”

  “Fine.”

  Charlie gave her a disbelieving look, but dropped it. “We need to get back. Most everyone has left. Dad’s lawyer is up at the house ready to read the will.”

  “I’m sure it has more to do with Mom and you and Joey running the ranch than me.”

  “It’s about the family. You included.” He held his hand out to her.

  She took it and stood up with Will braced on her arm, sitting with his back against her chest. She gave a forlorn look at her tree and walked alongside her brother.

  “Lightning hit the tree last fall. It made Dad sick to see your tree like that. I offered to cut up the limb. He wouldn’t let me touch it. You spent a lot of time there, growing up. I found him at that tree all the time while you were gone. I guess he felt closer to you there than anywhere else on the ranch.”

  A fresh wave of tears welled in her eyes. “I miss him.”

  “We all do. We lost him in more ways than one and over a long period of time. He wasn’t the same after . . .”

  “I’m sorry, Charlie.” What else could she say?

  “Mom made it clear she blames you.”

  “You all do. I get it.”

  Charlie didn’t acknowledge that. “She misses him the way we do. We missed who he used to be for so long, now that he’s gone, we’re angry he didn’t get to see you come home, so he could go back to being the guy we knew.”

  “I don’t know that my coming home would have made the difference, Charlie. I’d like to think it would have, but it’s too late now to know if I did the right thing by refusing to see him or if I made things worse. I did what I thought was right for everyone. I wasn’t trying to hurt him or any of you. I was trying to protect all of you.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t feel good about what happened to you and none of us knowing about it. If I’d known you got hurt, I’d have come, Evangeline. We all would have come to be with you.”

  “There was nothing for you to do. You’d have still had to leave me there.”

  “But for a little while it would have made you feel better, wouldn’t it?”

  “You have no idea how much I wanted to see you.” Or how often she’d thought she’d never live to see them again.

  Will reached out for his father. She stopped, sat him on her bent knee, hooked her hands under his arms, and lifted him onto Charlie’s back. “You used to give me piggyback rides all the time when we were kids.”

  “Looks like you need one now. You’ve got quite a hitch in your step. Permanent, or just the hit you took today?”

  “I’m really feeling that car’s front end, but part of it is permanent.”

  Charlie bumped his elbow into her arm. “What’s going on between you and Chris? He couldn’t take his eyes off you today.”

  Her head whipped toward him as her heart dropped into her stomach. “What are you talking about?” He couldn’t possibly know anything, but his question amped her anxiety.

  “Seems like he’s keeping an eye on you.”

  Oh, right. That. “I guess he is. My parole and immediate release came with a catch. He wants me to help him with a case.”

  “You’re not still part of whatever it was that got you arrested, are you?”

  She held up her hands. “No. But I’ve got a chance to clear my record.”

  “Screw that. Stay out of it.”

  No one wanted her to forget or escape what she’d done. They wanted her to li
ve with it. They wanted to remind her of it every time she did something they didn’t like or agree with. They wanted to hold it over her head forever.

  Well, she wasn’t going to tote that baggage around with her, now that she was out and had a chance at a future on her terms, free and clear of the conviction.

  “Do you have any idea what having my record means? It will follow me my whole life. I could lose out on jobs, a place to live, other opportunities. It will come up on every background check.”

  “You should have thought about that before you did what you did!”

  She’d like to tell him exactly what she did. Holding her tongue and the secret tucked inside became harder by the minute. She wanted to rage at him that he had no idea of the sacrifice she’d made, the consequences she’d paid.

  But she couldn’t. Not without more consequences.

  Just like her record would follow her, so would the echoes of betrayal her family felt toward her. Even if she didn’t deserve them.

  “I know what I’m doing.” She deserved a chance to clear her name, even if no one else thought so.

  “I bet you thought that when you got caught last time.”

  “I’m working with the cops.” This time, she’d be prepared and in charge of what happened. She wouldn’t be someone’s unwitting pawn. This time, they’d play her game.

  Charlie softened his demanding tone. “I thought you wanted to start a business.”

  “What I want doesn’t seem to matter to anyone.” Her family made it clear they didn’t really care what she did, so long as she stayed out of their lives.

  They walked around the stables toward the house. “Don’t let whatever case Chris is working on drag you back into that mess. Just tell him you don’t know anything and put an end to it.”

  I wish. But life wasn’t that easy or clean. “I can’t. I won’t.” She wouldn’t give up the chance to right the wrong done to her and clear the path for her future. She’d been dragged into Chris’s case long ago and she had unfinished business.

  “You’re asking for trouble.”

  Trouble found me.

  If Chris somehow discovered her secret, then that put her right back in the thick of it whether she liked it or not.

  Chapter Seven

  The family gathered in the living room. Charlie sat on the sofa next to Lindsey. Henry had fallen sound asleep on her shoulder. Will played on the play mat at Evangeline’s feet. She sat on the window ledge as far away from the others as she could get. She didn’t want to distract from the reading of the will or upset her mother further.

  Joey had sent his girlfriend home with promises that he’d see her later. It took a lot of groping to get her to leave. In Evangeline’s mind, all that sexual tension only made the woman stay longer. Everyone pretended not to pay them any mind. As usual, Joey did as he pleased, oblivious to the fact that people were waiting on him.

  By the time Joey took a seat on one of the dining table chairs between Mom and Nona, everyone else was settled in the room.

  Mom looked wrecked. Puffy dark circles marred her bloodshot eyes. Weariness had her back hunched and shoulders slack. Miraculously, Nona sat with her back straight, head bent, hands clasped, ankles crossed. Poised and composed, she stared at her lap and seemed to be lost in thought. Or prayer.

  The lawyer, Mr. Jompson, stood near the fireplace hearth with a file in his hands, ready to address them. “First, I’d like to offer my heartfelt condolences for your loss. Richard and I were friends a long time. I miss his hearty laugh and the way he used to beam with pride when he told a story about one of his kids.”

  Mom shot a glance her way. Evangeline ignored it and tamped down the urge to jump up and say, There are a lot of good stories to tell about me. Remember?

  “You may know that Richard and I met several times over the past two years to discuss the ranch and his plans for the future. He took my advice and made sure all his wishes were written down, so that in case of tragedy or illness you would not be burdened with wondering what he would have wanted and how he wanted things done when he was gone.” Mr. Jompson pulled two envelopes out of the folder. “Richard had one life insurance policy he took out many years ago. He added a second policy four years ago.” Mr. Jompson wasn’t the only one who glanced Evangeline’s way this time.

  He walked over to her mother and handed her one of the envelopes. “This policy is in the process of being paid out. You should receive a check very soon. It is to cover expenses, pay off any debt, and to add to your retirement account for you to live on.”

  Mom took the envelope and held it in her lap.

  Mr. Jompson walked over to Evangeline, every eye in the room on him. “Per your father’s request, I contacted the insurer and asked that they expedite the payout of this policy to you immediately. The check is enclosed.”

  Evangeline peeked inside the envelope and barely caught her surprised gasp at the fifty-thousand-dollar check. But everyone saw her shock and narrowed their gazes on her.

  “Richard and I spoke about you the most this past year. He wanted you to take this money and build a new life. If anyone deserves a second chance, it’s you.”

  “Why? Why does she deserve any special treatment or money after what she’s done?” Mom sucked back tears, but let her rage fly. “She turned her back on us and broke her father’s heart. He wasn’t the same after she left. He grew quiet and kept everything to himself. He let this ranch fall by the wayside.” Her mother didn’t say it, but her father had let his marriage suffer. “He didn’t take care of himself. I begged him to see the doctor about his blood pressure. He wouldn’t go.”

  “Rhea, I wish I could give you an answer.” Mr. Jompson’s sad smile conveyed his sincerity.

  “Even if he confided in you, you couldn’t tell me what was really going on.” Mom pinned Evangeline with another hurt-filled glare.

  “I can only do my best to follow through with Richard’s final requests. All of you were important to him.”

  “But she was more important,” her mother asserted, waving her hand out toward Evangeline.

  Mr. Jompson opened the folder. “Maybe it’s best I stick to business, then I’ll leave you to work out the family matters.” He flipped over several pages and read for a moment, then looked up to address them again. “I’ll leave this copy of the will for you to review, but basically, Richard left the house to you, Rhea. The ranching business—cattle, horses, equipment, everything attached to it—goes equally to Charles, Joseph, and Evangeline, with one stipulation.”

  Charlie leaned forward. “What stipulation?”

  Mr. Jompson answered Charlie but stared at Evangeline. “There is an offer from the Warley Corporation. Evangeline decides if the ranch takes the offer or remains a private business. Whether it’s this offer or another in the future, Evangeline decides the fate of the ranch.”

  The gut punch stopped Evangeline’s heart. Stunned, she could barely breathe, let alone think about what this meant.

  “You mean she decides the fate of the whole family,” her mother snapped. “Why? Charlie runs the business. He’s the oldest. Why isn’t it his decision how he wants to run the ranch?”

  Charlie and Joey both looked to Mr. Jompson to answer the question, because Evangeline couldn’t.

  For the life of her, she had no idea why her father did this to her. She didn’t know a thing about what had happened to the ranch in the last four years. Even before that she’d only given one ear to what her father told her about the business.

  “Richard trusts Evangeline to make the right decision. She graduated college with a four-point-oh GPA.” That bit of news had her family raising their eyebrows. “She’s smart. With her, uh, experience, she’s proven she makes decisions not on emotion but with thoughtful consideration.”

  “Thoughtful consideration? Are you fucking kidding me? She got caught hauling stolen goods in one of the ranch trucks, using the ranch trailer, hiding the stolen wine in hay we grew on this ranch.” Charlie stood
and paced along the back of the sofa. Lindsey tried to watch him but couldn’t with the baby on her shoulder.

  Mr. Jompson held her gaze but still spoke to Charlie and the others. “Richard had more of the facts than you’re privy to. He understood the sacrifice Evangeline made to—”

  “Charlie is right,” she interrupted, because the lawyer had made it clear he knew too much. “I don’t know anything about the ranch operation as it stands right now.”

  “This is bullshit,” Joey interjected. “I work here, too, you know. How come I don’t get a say?”

  “I’ve got a family to support,” Charlie pointed out. “We’re signing the partnership agreement with Warley and taking their offer.”

  “No fucking way.” Joey stared down Charlie. “We make more if we put some money back in the business, build it up, and keep the profits for ourselves.”

  “That’s a gamble without a safety net. We may end up deeper in the hole than we already are.”

  “Give it a chance and you’ll see. This is our opportunity to get out of the hole and do things our way. If you sign with Warley, they will come in and tell us how to run things.”

  Evangeline’s head bobbed back and forth as she followed the argument.

  Charlie planted his hands on his hips and glared at Joey. “I’m not taking a chance on my family. We play it safe and make a decent living.”

  “You want us locked into a deal that will potentially mean we miss out on profits that will go into their pockets and not ours.”

  “I’m ensuring we don’t lose everything,” Charlie yelled.

  Will jumped at the harsh sound of his father’s words and knocked over his blocks. He stared wide-eyed up at his father as everyone else held their breath to see if Charlie and Joey continued the disagreement.

  Evangeline had never paid much attention to the ranch business. It felt like Charlie’s and Joey’s future. Not hers.

  Mr. Jompson filled the awkward silence. “Richard left a note with me the other day. At the time, and now, it sends chills up my spine, because it feels like he knew his time was running out. Though the note came to me because of Evangeline’s parole hearing, it explains his thinking and what he wanted Evangeline to know.” Mr. Jompson looked thoughtful. “I think he wanted you all to know how he felt about the last few years.”