by Amy Clipston
“Madeleine!” Ruth approached them with a wide smile and hugged Madeleine. “What a nice surprise.”
“It’s great to see you too,” Madeleine said. “I called Carolyn yesterday and asked if there was a service today.”
“I’m glad you came. Would you like to sit in the back with me?” Ruth asked.
“I’d love that.” Madeleine followed Ruth and Carolyn as they made their way toward the large barn where the backless benches were set up.
Carolyn touched Madeleine’s hand. “I’m going to go sit with my sister-in-law. I’ll see you after the service.”
“Okay,” Madeleine said. As soon as she was sitting in the back beside Ruth, she scanned the congregation and spotted Emma with the other young girls, sitting beside Esther. Emma met her gaze and waved. Madeleine smiled as she waved in response.
She looked over to the area where the married men—and obviously men who had been married—sat. Saul was leaning over and talking to Marcus beside him. Saul was handsome in his Sunday best. The thought took her by surprise. Was she attracted to Saul? Did she have a crush on him? She thought of Sylvia’s warning, and suddenly it made sense. Had Sylvia noticed an attraction between Madeleine and Saul? She swallowed a groan. Any relationship between Saul and her would be forbidden. She couldn’t tempt him to break the rules, which was what her mother had been trying to tell her on the phone Thursday night.
Madeleine had to dismiss any romantic feelings she may have for Saul. Besides, after losing Travis, she didn’t need another broken heart. She was better off alone.
Soon the congregation began singing, and Madeleine followed along in the Ausbund. She lost herself in the beauty of the Amish service and thought of her grandparents. She would have loved to worship with them in her adult years.
Saul followed along with the opening hymn. But soon the sound of the congregation singing was only background noise to his churning thoughts. He’d spent the past couple of days working on Madeleine’s cabinets and thinking of her. Marcus’s warning echoed in his mind constantly. He needed to find a way to get her out of his thoughts, but it seemed impossible.
His eyes scanned the congregation, and when he spotted her in the back row, he froze.
“Saul?” Marcus whispered. “Was iss letz?”
“Nothing,” Saul muttered.
“Something is wrong. You look upset,” Marcus prodded.
“No, no.” Saul looked down at the Ausbund. He tried to join in the singing, but his gaze was drawn to Madeleine as if she were a magnet pulling him to her without his consent or control. She was beautiful with her cloak over a navy blue blouse, and her hair was pulled back in a bun. His heart thumped in his chest. She followed along with the hymn, and her mouth moved in time with the rest of the congregation. She could actually read and understand the words to Lob Lied? This left him stunned.
Saul tried to imagine Madeleine as a member of the church, but the idea was preposterous. How could someone who’d grown up English and had even served in the military make the ultimate sacrifice of giving up all her worldly possessions and joining an Amish church district? She could never settle for the plain life after seeing the world. Conversions rarely happened, and he didn’t expect her to be the first Englisher to join his church district.
But if she were to join, then we could be together.
He shook his head. Madeleine wasn’t going to join the church, and he had to stop taunting himself with the idea. He needed to stay loyal to his church and his beliefs and also be the best example possible for his daughter. He would finish Madeleine’s cabinets and then go back to being only a neighbor to her. They would wave if they saw each other outside and leave it at that.
Saul trained his eyes on the Ausbund, but he couldn’t bring himself to sing. Instead, his thoughts were stuck on Madeleine and the temptation he felt when he was near her. The women he allowed in Emma’s life had to be proper influences. Perhaps Marcus and Sylvia would help him find a widow or unmarried woman who would consider dating him.
Throughout the service, Saul didn’t hear the minister’s or the bishop’s words; instead, he was thinking of his daughter.
His thoughts were interrupted when the minister recited a verse from the book of James. “ ‘Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed,’ ” he said. “ ‘The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.’ ”
The verse felt like a punch to Saul’s chest. I need God to lead my life in the right direction. When he thought about Madeleine and her beauty, he was allowing himself to be just as sinful as Annie. I have to stop this before it’s too late. It’s my job to lead Emma toward the plain life, and I need God’s help.
Saul closed his eyes and prayed for God to cleanse his thoughts and his prayers.
Madeleine helped Ruth and Carolyn deliver food to the tables after the service before moving around the long tables to fill coffee cups and greet the members of the congregation. She smiled at everyone.
She was filling the last cup when she noticed Saul sitting with the other men at one of the tables. She had tried to catch his eye during the service, but he was so engrossed in the service that he never looked her way. When he finally met her gaze, she smiled at him. He returned the gesture with a tentative smile and then turned back to Marcus. Why wasn’t he as friendly as he’d been on Thursday? She hoped to talk to him privately later.
“Maddie!” Emma appeared behind her. “It’s gut to see you here at church.”
“Hi, Emma.” Madeleine held up the empty coffeepot. “I’m heading back to the kitchen. Would you like to walk with me?”
“Ya!” Emma fell into step beside her. “I can help you fill cups if you’d like.”
“We’ll see what Ruth needs us to do,” Madeleine said. “It was a nice service.”
“Could you understand it?” Emma asked.
“I understood most of it,” Madeleine said as they stepped into the kitchen.
Madeleine and Emma helped deliver more food for the men and then ate lunch with the women. Afterward, they assisted with cleaning up the kitchen.
Once the kitchen was clean, Madeleine found her cloak and pulled it on as she moved to where Carolyn and Ruth were talking. “Danki for including me in the service today. I had a really nice time.”
“We loved having you,” Carolyn said. “I’m froh you could come.”
“Absolutely,” Ruth agreed. “I’ll see you at work on Tuesday.”
“Have a nice afternoon,” Madeleine said before stepping out to the driveway.
She was almost to her truck when she saw Saul standing outside with Marcus, Sylvia, and the girls. She waved, and she was certain that Saul and Marcus exchanged concerned expressions. What did those expressions mean? Certainly they had nothing to do with her.
Saul said something to Emma, and they began walking toward her.
“Maddie!” Emma ran over with Saul following closely behind.
“Hi, Emma!” Madeleine hugged her and looked to where Saul stood. “Hi, Saul. I didn’t get to talk to you much today.”
“I was surprised to see you here.” His expression was devoid of the usual warmth. He glanced down at Emma. “Go to the buggy. I’ll be there in a moment.”
Emma gave him a curious expression and then turned to Madeleine. “I’ll see you later.”
“I look forward to it,” Madeleine told her before she headed off. She looked back at Saul. “I was hoping you and Emma could join me for supper tonight. I was going to make something special.”
Saul cupped his hand to the back of his neck and frowned. “I’m sorry, Madeleine, but I don’t think that’s a gut idea.”
“Oh?” Her stomach twisted with worry. “Why not?”
“Look, I like you, Madeleine. I like you a lot, but I don’t think you’re the best influence for Emma. It’s better to keep our relationship neighborly.”
“Neighborly?” She shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
; His expression was cold, as if they’d just met, but his eyes seemed sad again. “I’m going to have your cabinets ready for installation in a couple of weeks. Until then, I don’t think we should see each other.”
“But we had such a nice time on Thanksgiving.” Madeleine groped for an explanation to his sudden coldness. “What’s changed?” She glanced past him to where Marcus was watching them. “Is it Marcus? Does he disapprove of our friendship?”
“I’m sorry, Madeleine. It’s better this way. I can’t risk losing my dochder to the outside world. She’s all I have left.”
“I don’t want to take your daughter or tempt her to leave the Amish church.” Madeleine’s voice was thick with disappointment and hurt.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
They stared at each other, and tears stung her eyes.
Without uttering another word, Saul turned and started for his buggy.
She wiped the tears that splattered her cheeks.
What have I done to make him reject me as if I were a total stranger? I’m not even worthy of Saul’s and Emma’s friendship. I’ve failed again, just like I failed with Travis. I’m not worthy of the Amish community.
Lillian saw Ruth across the kitchen talking to her aunt Carolyn and an Englisher woman. She’d longed to talk to Ruth all day, but she wanted to get her alone to keep their conversation private. She waited until Carolyn and the Englisher left, and then she crossed the kitchen and stopped next to Ruth.
“Ruth,” Lillian said. “I was hoping to talk to you.”
“Lily!” Ruth smiled at her. “How are you?”
“I’m fine, danki.” Lillian looked around the kitchen at all the women talking and laughing. “Could we please speak privately?”
“Of course, dear.” Ruth pointed toward a doorway. “Let’s go into my sewing room.”
“That would be perfect.” Lillian followed the older woman into a small room containing a treadle sewing machine, two chairs, and a table cluttered with piles of material.
“You look troubled.” Ruth sank into a chair and motioned for Lillian to sit beside her. “What’s on your mind?”
“I’ve been struggling with something.” Lillian’s voice was thick with her emotion. “I tried talking to mei mammi, but she doesn’t understand. I thought you might be able to help me sort through my feelings.”
“Of course, mei liewe. What is it?”
“I used to believe I was supposed to completely shun mei mamm and not have anything to do with her.” Lillian’s eyes filled with tears. “I thought I should punish her for leaving me. But now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” She stared down at her lap, plucking some fuzz off her apron. “I found out that mei mamm is going to have a boppli.”
“She is?” Ruth gasped. “What a blessing!”
Lillian looked up and Ruth smiled with tears glistening in her eyes. “I know,” she whispered. “A boppli is always a blessing, and I want to be a part of my new sibling’s life.”
“Of course you do.” Ruth touched Lillian’s hand. “That boppli is your family, just as your mamm, Amanda, Andrew, and even Trey are your family.”
“But I don’t know how to forgive mei mamm.” Tears trickled down her hot cheeks, splattering her glasses. “I don’t know how to let go of the anger I have about her leaving me. Like I said, I tried to talk to mei mammi about this, but she doesn’t understand how I feel stuck in the middle. She says mei mamm doesn’t deserve to be forgiven for taking my siblings away from her and also for leaving the church. I want to have my family, but I also want to stay Amish.”
Ruth nodded. “I understand how you feel.”
“You do?” Lillian asked. “How can you understand?”
“My son left Paradise,” Ruth said. “He moved to a former Amish community in Missouri.”
“I had no idea.” Lillian removed her glasses and wiped her sleeve over her face before rubbing a corner of her apron over the lenses. “When did he leave?”
“It’s been about seventeen years ago now.” Ruth had a faraway look in her eyes. “I miss him every day, but I’m also angry and hurt that he left.”
Lillian nodded slowly. “That’s exactly how I feel. I still love mei mamm, and I miss her. But I’m angry and hurt that she left me.”
“But we have to remember what the Lord says in the book of Matthew. ‘If you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.’ ”
Lillian contemplated the Scripture verse. “You’re saying I need to forgive her.”
Ruth nodded. “Yes. It’s not easy, but you need to forgive her. I’ve forgiven my son, even though it’s been hard.” She patted Lillian’s hand. “Think about it, and pray about it, Lily. Let the Lord guide your heart.”
“Danki.” Lillian stood and hugged her friend.
“Gern gschehne.” Ruth patted Lillian’s back. “You can talk to me anytime you need to.”
EIGHTEEN
Guilt rained down on Saul as he guided his horse toward his house after the church service. He hadn’t been able to stand the sadness and disappointment in Madeleine’s eyes when he told her they couldn’t be friends anymore. He still couldn’t. He had to sever their close relationship, but saying the words out loud to her cut deeply into his soul. He hadn’t experienced such a deep attachment to a woman since he was a young man. Yet he had to suppress those feelings and concentrate on raising his daughter the right way, teaching her to live within the confines of the Ordnung.
“Emma,” he said while keeping his eyes trained on the road ahead, “we need to discuss something serious.”
“What’s that, Dat?” Emma asked while sitting beside him.
“I need you to stop spending time with Madeleine.”
“But you said I could go to her haus while you were working on her cabinets.”
“I made a mistake. I should’ve stuck with my original decision to keep our distance,” Saul said. “I was wrong. You need to be with other Amish.”
“But she was Amish at one time.”
“No, she wasn’t. Her grandparents were Amish. She was raised English, and you know that, Emma.”
“But she’s my best freind,” Emma said, her voice raising an octave.
“No, she’s not your best freind. Esther Smucker is your best freind. It’s not right for you to spend all your free time with an Englisher adult.”
“But, Dat!” Her voice pitched even higher. “She’s my best grown-up freind. I like being with Maddie.”
“Please don’t whine, Emma. You know I can’t stand it when you whine.” He stared at the road ahead. “I was wrong to allow you to spend so much time with Madeleine. I need you to remain at home.”
“I don’t understand.” Emma crossed her arms over her cloak in defiance. “We had a lot of fun with her. You like being with her too. If you didn’t like her, then you wouldn’t have invited her for Thanksgiving at Marcus’s haus.”
Saul knew he’d been caught, but he was the parent. He had to lay down the law. “I was wrong, and now we need to stop breaking the rules. We need to stay with the Amish.”
“I’m going to miss her.” Emma sniffed. “She was going to teach me how to make more of Mammi’s recipes.”
“You can learn to cook from Sylvia. Maybe you should go and spend more time at their haus.”
“It won’t be the same,” Emma muttered while staring out the window with her back to Saul.
His daughter’s disappointment was breaking his heart, but he had to stand firm. “I need you to respect my rules, Emma. If I catch you over at Madeleine’s haus, then you will be in trouble.”
“Ya, Dat.”
Saul guided the horse into the driveway just as Madeleine walked out to the small barn behind her house. He quickly moved his gaze toward his house and tried to pretend Madeleine wasn’t there, even though he already felt himself missing her friendship.
Madeleine tried to concentrate on dusting a hotel room, but her mind kept wandering back to the painful con
versation she’d had with Saul on Sunday. She’d tried to erase it from her mind and ignore how much he’d hurt her, but there was no avoiding it.
Her nightmares had also returned in full force. When she closed her eyes both Sunday and Monday night, she found herself back on the C-130, trying to keep wounded military personnel alive while working alone without enough medical supplies. Travis was there too—dying in her arms as she begged him to stay and tried to revive him. She thought being in Amish Country had finally healed both her broken heart and her nightmares, but losing Saul and Emma’s friendship had brought them back.
“Madeleine?” Ruth’s voice rang into the room.
She turned to see Ruth standing in the doorway with a concerned expression. “Hi, Ruth.” Madeleine pushed her long ponytail behind her shoulder. “I didn’t see you there.”
“Do you realize it’s after one?” Ruth pointed toward the digital clock on the nightstand. “You missed lunch.”
“Oh.” Madeleine shrugged and tried to smile. “I was very busy and didn’t realize what time it was.”
“You need to eat.” Ruth stepped into the room. “You can finish your work later.”
“I’m not hungry.” It wasn’t a lie. Her painful encounter with Saul on Sunday had stolen her ability to sleep and eat.
“What’s going on?” Ruth sank onto a corner of the king-size bed. “You seemed froh on Sunday. What happened to you to change your mood during the past two days? Talk to me, Madeleine.”
Madeleine pulled out the desk chair and sat across from Ruth. “I don’t know how to explain it because I don’t really understand it.” She placed the duster cloth on the dresser behind her. “I’d been spending a lot of time with Saul and Emma. We were sharing meals, and he even invited me to Thanksgiving dinner at Marcus Smucker’s house.”
Ruth nodded. “What happened?”
“He seemed to be avoiding me on Sunday, and I finally had a chance to talk to him after the service was over and right before I left.” Madeleine slumped back in the chair. “He basically told me I am a bad influence for Emma, and I can no longer be friends with him or his daughter.”