Empowered Boundaries

by Cristien Storm

  It is helpful to learn to separate the boundary itself from the feelings one has about setting it and also from the feelings and thoughts about people’s responses to it. The more skilled one becomes at recognizing these different elements in boundary setting, the more options there are in navigating them. One can tend to the other person’s feelings about a boundary while still upholding it. Continuing with the above example, if someone says no and hurts a friend’s feelings, the boundary setter can still be compassionate with themselves for feeling guilty and empathetic toward their friend without changing their boundary. They may even want to invite their friend to discuss his or her feelings, independent from the boundary itself: “I know you are upset. Is there anything that I or we can do to make you feel better without changing my boundary?”

  People sometimes believe that if a boundary hurts or makes them or the other person feel bad in any manner, the boundary itself is not acceptable. For example, take a couple that lives together. One partner hates having people stop by unannounced and wants to set a boundary that people call first to arrange a time. And the other partner loves having a home where friends can drop by without calling, and feels sad and even depressed about the boundary their partner wants to set, potentially causing them to push back against the boundary. A lot of different feelings can be triggered when a boundary hurts or distresses someone you care about. Having the capacity to separate the boundary from the associated reactions and feelings to it, as well as reactions and feelings to the reactions and feelings (yours and other people’s), can help people make more grounded choices about how they want to navigate the situation. There are many possibilities. One approach is to collaborate about how to address the issue while maintaining the boundary. Another is to renegotiate the boundary itself. The reality is that our boundaries will make us and other people feel all sorts of emotions. This is part of boundary work and not to be avoided. Rather, learning how to set boundaries and grapple with the accompanying emotions is what deepens and expands boundary work to include all kinds of boundaries adaptive to different contexts and needs.

  Challenges: The Myth of “Good” Boundary Setting

  It is not unusual to mistake people’s resistance to a boundary as a lack of clear communication. This tends to occur because people often believe that a “good” boundary is a clear boundary and a clear boundary is one that people will respect or respond to. The reality is, we have no control over how people respond to our boundaries. While we can, and most certainly do, use information and knowledge about someone to inform how we communicate a boundary, this does not translate into controlling how the person will respond. When people do not respond in the manner we expected or hoped, reflecting on what contributed to creating conditions where such responses occurred can be helpful. This reflection is done in the spirit of compassionate curiosity, not as a way to shame or judge others or ourselves. Reflecting offers us a way to explore and develop an understanding of the varying complex contexts in which boundaries are set rather than seek a formulaic approach or reductive answer. Consider the example from a class participant:

  I never realized that when I asked for something, I approached it as if the person was already going to disagree. So I would preemptively argue my point. Instead of asking my girlfriend to pick up after herself because I hate coming home and having stuff dropped everywhere, I would talk about how being messy is not okay or how having a house that is clean is important to a relationship. I realized I was trying to frontload any discussion with reasons why I was right. She, of course, would disagree because she doesn’t care about having things picked up all the time. It could get kind of mean at times. I’d call her messy and she’d call me uptight. This didn’t help. When I stopped trying to convince her I was right and asked for what I needed by sharing how I felt, it worked out better. She was able to see how having things picked up made me feel less stressed at the end of the day, which benefited her because I was more relaxed. This actually motivated her to try to pick up more, which I love, and it made me more able to let a few things go because I saw how much she was trying.

  In the following example, a woman in a self-defense class explores her experience in a challenging situation:

  I was walking home from work. It was late at night and this guy approached me asking what time it was. I had this funny feeling, but ignored it because he was young and didn’t look very scary. I told him the time and when he didn’t walk away, I got a little scared. I wasn’t sure what to do so I said good night, sort of dismissing him. I didn’t want to walk away and turn my back to him. He stood there and I realized he was assessing me and the situation. I also realized I needed to set a bigger boundary, really let him know he didn’t want to mess with me. I put up my hands and said good night again, only more firm and louder. He nodded and started backing up, saying something like, “Okay, cool,” or something like that. I stayed where I was until he was down the block and turned the corner.

  In both of these situations people changed how they were setting boundaries in reaction to how people responded to them. They both paid attention to their internal experience, what the other person was doing, and were mindful of the context. Being aware of how we communicate boundaries and the impact we have on others is important, but it does not translate into the ability to control how people will respond. The idea that if we set good and clear boundaries, people will respond the way we want is a myth based in fear and victim blaming. In the above example, it can be easy to assume the man walked away because she set a good, clear boundary. However, the reality is that we have no idea why the man walked away. Assuming he walked away because she set a clear boundary implies that if he had instead chosen to try to mug or assault her, it would have been because she didn’t set a clear boundary. This puts blame and responsibility for what happens on her rather than on the man who is making decisions about whether or not to walk away, and makes the conditions in which this is happening invisible.

  People’s responses to a boundary are not necessarily a good gauge as to how well or how clearly a boundary was communicated. Sometimes a boundary is communicated beautifully, but the person does not want or like the boundary and so resists it. They may get mad, or express hurt, and want the boundary to change. Sometimes it feels okay to change a boundary. Other times, it does not. Sometimes resistance to a boundary feels really bad; in other situations, pushback may not affect us much, if at all. If your supervisor becomes angry when you try to set a boundary about how much work you can take on, it may have more of an emotional impact than if your three-year-old gets upset because it’s bedtime. If our partner resists our boundary around having people call before they stop by, it may open up larger discussions about what “home” means to both people and how to navigate differences.

  A person’s reaction to a boundary offers information to be considered. Whether or not a boundary is renegotiated depends on a variety of elements and the context in which the boundary is being set. The more we move away from the myth that a good boundary is one that is clear and therefore respected, the more we can be mindful of all the various aspects and conditions that make up a boundary-setting scenario.

  Power and Intention

  Two important factors in setting, defending, and negotiating boundaries are power and intention. If you have the power and the ability to renegotiate your boundary, then renegotiation can be a wonderful part of personal and relational growth. If you don’t have, or don’t believe you have, the power or ability to renegotiate, then it’s not necessarily a negotiation. This does not mean that boundaries are not being set. Power informs how people will identify, communicate, and defend boundaries. There are a myriad of ways that people set limits in very challenging situations. An important part of boundary work is identifying the ways we set limits in various contexts and how power informs our decisions. Boundaries are very personal and adaptable. A friend shares an example from his childhood, growing up as a survivor of abuse:

  When I was a kid my life was
pretty chaotic. There were a lot of different people going in and out of the house I lived in. There was a lot of partying and people crashing at the house. Some of them did things to me that I didn’t like. They would hit me or kiss me or make me sit on their lap and touch me, but when I said something or tried to walk away they would joke about how I needed to toughen up and laugh at me when I cried. At some point, I learned that it wasn’t going to help me to say anything to them, or to my dad who told me the same thing: toughen up and shut up. So I fought back the only way I could—I would pretend I didn’t hear them when they called me, I would freeze like a zombie when they touched me, I peed in their gas tanks, stole money out of their wallets when they were sleeping, that sort of thing.

  People set boundaries and defend themselves in extraordinary ways that can be minimized or not even noticed if the context is not considered. Boundaries that are set in one context will be very different in another. In thinking about the ways that power and intention inform boundary work, it can be helpful to reflect on different times in your life and note the various boundary-setting, self-care, and coping strategies you used, and consider how or if these may be informing how you set and communicate boundaries presently.

  Changing the Lens

  Being in a situation where someone can and does cross boundaries does not mean that people give up having the boundaries or using self-defense skills. Sometimes, as in the example above, people set really badass boundaries that are crossed simply because other people have the power and ability to do so. It can be helpful and empowering to recognize the boundary setting, self-care, and self-defense that people use even in situations where boundary crossing and harm happen. Doing this can help mitigate victim blaming and the stigma of guilt, blame, and shame. A class participant shares her experience with domestic violence:

  I used to be really embarrassed that I had been in an abusive relationship. After talking in class about all the things I did to survive and finally leave, I feel proud of myself. I never thought about what I did, all the ways I fought back, resisted what was happening, and how much I tried to keep my head together. I blamed myself for not seeing the warning signs and not leaving earlier. It made me feel a lot less ashamed when I was able to see the things I did [do], like lying, hiding things, pretending I liked something, or even provoking her at times just to get it over with, as survival strategies and even as me setting boundaries in a messed up situation.

  For survivors of interpersonal violence, sexual abuse, domestic violence, date rape, sexual harassment and bullying, identifying which self-defense, self-care, and boundary-setting skills were used to survive the incident(s) can be helpful. The myth that setting a clear boundary means it will also be respected can lead survivors of violence to blame themselves. It can require a lot of support to let go of the myth that you can change power dynamics and cultural norms (which support and create conditions in which many forms of violence are tolerated, ignored, or even encouraged) with good boundary setting or a badass self-defense strategy. Stop asking yourself, why didn’t I do this or that? and instead replace it with, what did I do to survive?

  Sometimes bad things happen despite our best efforts. How we think about these events shapes how we remember them and how we feel about ourselves. Changing the framework or lens through which events are viewed changes self-talk and the emotional responses to the events. Letting go of asking yourself, what should I have done to prevent X, Y, or Z from happening? and instead asking, what did I do to get through X, Y, or Z? changes the lens. It is also possible to explore why we responded the way we did without blame or shame by using compassionate curiosity. The Why then, is no longer connected to a sense of responsibility, but rather becomes a way to consider what factors or conditions contributed to the decisions that were made. A class participant shares:

  I was date raped when I was in my early twenties. Whenever I remembered that night, I always had this mental list of things I should have done. I really beat myself up with that list. In class, when we talked about looking at things you did do rather than what you should have done, I saw all these things that I ignored or told myself were not important because they didn’t prevent the assault. Now when I think about it, I still wish it didn’t happen, but I don’t blame myself. I can see all the things I did to try to prevent it, get through it, and deal with it afterward—those are all boundary-setting and self-defense skills. I am more understanding with myself about why I made the decisions I did.

  Boundary work can involve renegotiating how we recall, remember, and tell stories about events, which impacts how we feel about them. Changing how we feel about an event informs how we remember it, which transforms our relationship to it. This process can change shameful and triggering memories into painful but also empowering ones, or even simply transform the negative memories that no longer have the power to induce distressing and overwhelming emotions. In self-defense and boundary-setting classes I saw this happen time after time as people recalled traumatic events while staying present enough to be able to identify boundary-setting and self-defense skills they may not have recognized before. A class participant shares a powerful example of moving from shame to feeling empowered by her decisions in a horrific situation:

  When I was in high school I was abducted and raped. For years, I blamed myself. I didn’t scream or fight back. I agreed to everything he said and did. When we did the exercise in class, it was a struggle for me to see what I did as active boundary setting or self-defense. How was not fighting back self-defense? But over time I realized that what I was doing was making the best decision for how I thought I could survive. These were active decisions that I was making based on my situation and my best understanding of what would keep me alive. It wasn’t easy but over time I stopped blaming myself and worked on seeing my actions as choices and that my choices kept me alive.

  There are a number of factors that inform how people will set boundaries across a range of situations: skill, capacity, resources, past experiences, cultural norms, personality, circumstances, and information, just to name a few. All of these influence decisions about boundaries. Rather than blame ourselves for what we did or did not do in a particular instance, it can be more useful to explore all the various dynamics that informed how we decided to navigate our situation. This can be done while still holding others and ourselves accountable, and while exploring alternative options. For example, if I set a boundary in a situation by lying even though I value honesty, I can explore which factors influenced my decision (with compassion), and hold myself accountable for lying while seeing if there are alternative options available for similar situations in the future.

  The Role of Thoughts, Emotions, and Interpretations in Boundary Setting

  Sometimes the emotions that arise in anticipation of a particular reaction to a boundary can trigger preemptive feelings and reactions. For example, if someone is anxious about receiving an angry response to their boundary, they may feel defensive even before engaging in any boundary setting. A client shares an example about realizing he was anticipating a response from his girlfriend without realizing it:

  I figured she would be really angry that I wanted to take separate vacations this year. That [thought] freaked me out. I got totally prepared for an angry response. I was defensive and had all kinds of justifications about why she shouldn’t be angry and why it wasn’t that bad that I wanted time alone, why it was healthily, normal, etc. I was so focused on my “defense,” that it took me a while to realize she wasn’t angry. She was hurt and me telling her why she shouldn’t be upset was hurting her more. I wasn’t able to really listen to her at first. If I had come to the conversation more open about finding out how she felt rather than assuming she would be angry and responding to her as if she was angry, it probably would have gone much better.

  Being intentional with boundaries requires listening to ourselves and to others. The emotional response to an anticipated reaction of a boundary can cloud our approach. It can make it difficul
t to be fully present and to really discover how the other person is feeling and reacting. If someone is ready for a certain response, they look for it, which means focus and attention are directed toward a specific reaction and more often than not, people find it even if it is not there. People interpret events through the lens of thoughts and emotions. Thoughts and emotions (specifically anxiety and worry, in the above example about an angry reaction) frame how events are seen and interpreted. In the previous example, the client’s defensiveness made it difficult to recognize that his partner’s reactions were not expressions of anger, but of disappointment.

  Taking the time to cultivate an internal awareness of how thoughts and emotions frame events, and how events are seen and interpreted, helps people to be more present in the moment. Being more present means being able to respond to what is actually happening, rather than to an interpretation based on certain thoughts and emotions. Approaching situations in this way also increases capacity and skill around clarification. Being aware that you are fearful of an angry response to your boundary while being mindful that your fear informs how reactions are interpreted offers you the room needed to tend to the feelings, to check in and clarify. Using the above example again, if my client had been aware of his anxiety before entering into the conversation about his desire to have separate vacations, he could have used self-soothing skills, asked his partner for reassurance, or chosen to clarify by asking her if she was angry. If he was aware that his fear of an angry response was fueling his anxiety, he could tend to his fear directly rather than trying to eliminate it by getting his partner to agree with him. Doing this separates the feeling (fear) from the boundary (taking a separate vacation). He was anxious about the response to his boundary, not the boundary itself. When we are able to tease out the different elements (feelings, thoughts, reactions to boundaries, and the feelings and thoughts they elicit), there is more room to tend to them. This allows us to be more responsive and less reactive. It also creates space to be able to maintain the boundary while tending to the impact that setting the boundary has. A client talks about her experience with this in her relationship when she made a decision to take a job in another city: