Remem-bear Me (Polar Heat Book 4)

by Terry Bolryder

  His eyes softened as his thumb lightly moved over her nipple, just grazing it and watching it come to hard, full-colored life. His gaze became hot as he looked into her eyes and took her breast in his mouth, swirling his tongue around her gracefully as heat continued to pool between her legs. An ache was building there, as her head remembered just what kind of magic he could work while inside her.

  How could anyone make love to a man like this and live to forget it? She knew she’d never forget it now. His hand reached down between her legs, and he sighed.

  “Damn, I missed the feel of that. Knowing you wanted me. Knowing you were ready.”

  She nodded, throat painfully tight. “So ready.” It felt like her body had been waiting for this for twenty years. It probably had. Did love really go on like that, whether it was remembered or not?

  Still, it appeared he’d been storing their love for both of them, and it touched her deeply that he’d never let go. A man like this could have been with anyone. A man like this shouldn’t have been alone for twenty years. Yet, looking at his face in utter rapture as he explored her body, she believed him when he said there’d been no one for him but her.

  There’d been no one for her but him.

  It was a once-in-a-lifetime story, but she didn’t know if it could possibly have a happy ending with such a tragic interim.

  She decided to settle for happy-for-now, leaning happily into the blankets as he peeled her swimsuit down her body, eyes opening with wonder at the shape of her curves, hands tracing over her like he was hoping to memorize the feel, make it even more real for himself. What would it be like to find someone after waiting twenty years? He was the one who’d really suffered, yet here he was, loving her, patiently waiting for her to figure out what had happened.

  He parted her legs and moved to kiss her there. It should have felt shockingly intimate, but instead, it was just deliciously pleasurable, and he knew exactly how to work her body into a frenzy of pleasure. His tongue moved over and around, licking and flicking and then he closed his lips down and worked a long, French kiss against her that made sparks erupt behind her eyes. She dug her hands into his hair as she came, screaming his name.

  His name set off shockwaves inside her, pain mixing with the pleasure, reminding her of something so intensely sacred it hurt to experience it. Yet she was home, holding on to him as anchor as she felt something she knew she was always meant to experience with him.

  Waves of pleasure burst through her again and again as she held him and sobbed out her relief, her emotion, and he simply held her tight, both of them grieving for the past at the same time they were celebrating the moment. This joyous reunion, being together once again.

  He pulled back and used his thumb to wipe a tear from her cheek. She could see the mix of emotions reflected in his beautiful ocean-blue eyes. She had the feeling she could look into those eyes for eternity.

  He ran a thumb over her lips. “I didn’t know I’d ever get to do that again. But I wished for it.”

  She rested her head against him, enjoying the feel of his safe, strong chest. “If I had known, I’d have too.”

  “Perhaps we shouldn’t go further,” he said. “Maybe it would be too hard on you.”

  “It’d be harder if you stopped,” she said. “I can’t live another minute without you. You’re making me come alive. It’s hard to be pushed like this, but I don’t want to run away. I get the feeling I’ve already lost enough that way.”

  His expression darkened and he sighed. “I just… It’s complicated.”

  She nodded, trying to be understanding. “I know.”

  He brushed her hair back and pressed a kiss to her forehead, lingering there warmly. Then he pulled back to look into her eyes. “But the one thing that isn’t complicated is I want you here. I love you. I know that confuses you, but I love you. I want you to stay with me. I want to work through whatever this is, and I want to have you with me again. Fully.”

  She wrapped her arms around him, resting against his shoulder, thinking as quickly as she could. She wanted to promise him everything, but she was still afraid of what lay at the end of the rabbit hole. “I want to try,” she said. “I’ll do my best.”

  He nodded. “I’ll try as well.”

  They held each other for a moment until she realized her heartbeat wasn’t slowing. Her body was still aching and probably would for as long as he was touching her.

  “Sam?” she asked, letting her nails caress his back in familiar patterns.

  “Yes?” he asked.

  “Make me yours.”

  He flinched slightly, and she wondered what she’d said wrong. He pulled back to look at her and his eyes were haunted. “You said that to me before,” he said. “I thought it would be permanent.”

  Her heart thumped in her chest. “I only meant—”

  He pushed himself off the bed, backing up from her. “I can’t… I can’t do this right now.”

  She got off the bed and caught him, wrapping her arms around his chest. “What’s wrong? Please tell me. Don’t run.”

  That got a sigh, and he turned to face her, tipping her chin so he could look down into her face. “I don’t want to make you mine. That’s like admitting you ever weren’t.”

  “I don’t know,” she said. “I just know there isn’t much left of me. But somehow, all that’s left is the part that loves you. That wants to be with you. When you’re with me, you help me remember. So don’t make me yours. Just help me remember who I belong to.”

  He sighed and angled her lips toward his as he slid his mouth gently over hers in a perfect fit that made heat rise instantly between them. Like he’d been born to pleasure her.

  Then he pulled back and breathed against her lips. “You belong to me,” he growled in a low voice. “You always will.” The next second, she was on her back on the bed, his lips moving voraciously over hers as his hand found her center.

  “Then show me,” she said achingly.

  He said nothing, but she felt his grin against her mouth.

  5

  His mate was everything he’d hoped for and more. She was so beautiful in bed, so unself-conscious and eager to accept all the pleasure he could give. It was so easy to lose himself in her beauty, in her ecstasy.

  It was so easy to forget.

  He let his finger explore, making sure she was ready. After all, he was large, and they’d been a tight fit before, even when she was used to him. Presumably she hadn’t been with anyone in a long time. She felt so familiar, so hot, so warm, so tight. He loved everything about her, and suddenly, the years didn’t matter. All that mattered was going inside. Going home.

  He spread her legs in one smooth movement and slid in, and she gasped in surprise as one hand flew up to her mouth and her beautiful blue eyes opened wide, staring into his. For a moment, they just stayed like that, staring in wonder at the familiarity of it, the cosmic rightness of it.

  And then he couldn’t resist anymore and started to move. Every millimeter was heaven. When she let out little moans as her slick heat encased him, he felt himself nearly lose control. But then he kept himself in check. Being with her again was an incredible gift, and he meant to enjoy every second of it.

  He’d been dreaming of it too long. Pumping deep inside her as her face tightened in pleasure, as her eyes rolled back and she was calling his name. His dick twitched at the thought, and he once again urged himself to calm down. He would make this unbelievably good for her. Make her remember just how happy he’d made her and how happy she’d made him in return.

  The love swirling inside him was almost too much warmth to bear, so he closed his eyes as he continued to move inside her. But then he missed the look of her and opened them to see every dream of his come to life. Her beautiful face tensed in anticipation of the coming pleasure, her lips parting with each thrust, her legs wrapping him tightly, her soft, amazing flesh keeping her against him, welcoming him in, welcoming him home, over and over.

  She smil
ed up at him, and his heart exploded with joy. Her smile. He hadn’t seen that smile in so long. He blinked back emotion and continued to join with her. Stroking again and again as tension mounted and then finally overwhelmed her, and she let out a scream that was pure music to his ears.

  He drove until he felt his whole body explode with release and then let his love for her wrack through him as he held himself over her, watching her go with him once again, watching her stare in wonder at him, watching the connection between them come to beautiful, glowing life.

  Those few seconds seemed to reach into eternity.

  And then everything slowly floated back to Earth, and he was left with her in his arms, their heartbeats going together as one, her hand on his chest and his hand in her hair, the two of them intimately intertwined as if they’d never been separated.

  She looked up at him, opening her lips and then closing them softly. Then she reached up a hand and cupped his cheek in a way that made him close his eyes just to revel in the feel of it.

  “I’ve missed you,” he said. “You’ll never know how much.”

  She was quiet, but he could see tears forming in the corners of her eyes and felt her heart breaking along with his. For everything they’d missed, for everything she’d forgotten, for all of those years alone when they could have been together.

  There were no words to express what was between them, so they simply stayed silent as Sam pulled out of her and cleaned her gently with a towel before rolling on his back, pulling her into his arms. Both naked, both happy.

  He never wanted to take the ship back to shore. He wished they could just live out here forever, free from responsibilities. But back there was family, and they expected him to get to the bottom of whether their mother could be trusted.

  For him, the answer would always be clear. She was his mate. He had to trust her.

  For them, he didn’t know if she’d ever earn their forgiveness. But did it matter? They were happy with their mates, and Sam didn’t begrudge them that. In fact, he’d set it all up for them as a way of making it up to each of his sons for not being able to be there for them as a dad as much as he should have.

  He was too busy grieving for what he’d lost.

  And now that was all here, back in his arms for the first time in forever, and he didn’t know how to go back and let reality mess it all up. In truth, there would be no pretty answer to the reason he and Jo had been separated so long. No clean-cut way to absolve everyone involved. There had been pain, and nothing would change that.

  But he still couldn’t let her out of his arms. He felt like a part of him would die if he did.

  Scott was right. He couldn’t do this a second time. He held her close and hoped she didn’t notice the subtle increase of his heart rate just from thinking about it.

  But she did. She’d always been thoughtful and observant. She rolled over to look at him, beautiful, generous breasts pressing on his chest as she gazed into his eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked. “What are you thinking?”

  He shook his head. “You don’t want to know.”

  She went silent, pressing her lips into a firm, flat line as she considered it. He loved her curly eyelashes that blinked rapidly when she thought hard about something. “Maybe I don’t. But tell me anyway.”

  “I was thinking it would destroy me if you left.”

  “I wouldn’t leave,” she said. “This is the happiest I’ve been.”

  He frowned but then tried to look happy and nodded. He tucked her back down against his side, loving the feel of her body protected by his. He would protect her forever. He would even protect her from knowing she walked away from him once before. Because the woman now didn’t seem to even understand how that was possible.

  He did, but only because he understood the animal inside her. The one that had burned to be free and hated being tied down, even if it had always come back after leaving. It was clear this Jo didn’t even know that part of her existed. And when he’d said the word mate, she’d fainted. Somehow, everything was tied into her being a shifter, but he wasn’t ready to trigger all of the pain.

  He wanted to just enjoy having her back with him first. After all, what if remembering her bear made her remember she’d wanted to leave? What if it not only triggered fainting and painful headaches, but also brought her back to the time when she’d wanted to run from him?

  He knew he needed to tell her again soon. Not just about being his mate, but about being a bear. He needed to wake the shifter inside her, because she deserved to be whole.

  But right now, he was just too afraid of losing her. Half of something felt better than all of nothing. So he told himself he’d tell her eventually. When it was the right time, when she seemed ready.

  He just hoped he would know when the right moment came.

  “I wouldn’t leave you,” she said with certainty, kissing his chest and spreading her hand over his stomach. “I couldn’t.”

  He closed his eyes and hoped that was true.

  * * *

  The next few days went by perfectly. They spent much of their time on the boat, catching up and talking about their lives, docking to get food or walk on the beach, and making love at night, slowly and languidly sometimes, heated and fierce at other times.

  Jo didn’t think she could be any happier. It was like living in a dream, but one where you were able to taste and feel and touch. Each caress of Sam’s body felt amazing. Every time he went inside her, she felt at home.

  She dreaded the thought of facing reality. In truth, she had a life back home, rent to pay, a job to go to, unless staying here meant she was quitting it.

  But how could she say yes to a future with Sam when she didn’t even know what had happened to her? What if they had fought? What if the relationship had always been like this during the honeymoon period, but they’d found it couldn’t last together?

  They were currently at his suite, cooling off and getting some fresh air. She was out on the balcony and Sam was inside, humming happily as he mixed drinks in the blender. There was something so calm and domestic about it, as long as she sank into it and didn’t let herself sink.

  But something was starting to press at her beneath the surface. Something was off, and the longer she waited here, enjoying life without asking questions, the longer the buzz seemed to grow to an audible level.

  “Piña colada for the lady,” Sam said, handing her a frothy white drink. “Mai tai for me.”

  She grinned and put the straw to her lips. Even the flavor of it was familiar. Sam sipped his drink and looked out at the beach.

  “So have you always lived here?” she asked.

  He went silent and messed with the little umbrella he’d put on his drink. It was funny to see such a tall, mature man fiddling with the tiny, fragile pink object. Somehow it only emphasized the grace and presence he possessed.

  “Sam?” she asked. “Why do I get the feeling you’re hiding something from me?”

  He gave her a serious look, intense blue eyes matching the ocean behind him as he turned to face her. “Because I am. Because if I try to tell you more, you might faint. Or worse. What happened to you physically, Jo?”

  She flushed and stirred the straw around and around in her drink. She supposed she trusted him enough to tell him what had happened. She knew Sam well enough that she could tell him without suspecting him. Still, she didn’t know why anyone would have shot her.

  “I was shot. I don’t remember why or how. I just remember searing pain. I was shot once in the arm, and once in the head. I don’t remember that one. After that, I was in a coma, and when I woke, I was told I had post-traumatic, retrograde amnesia. I couldn’t remember things prior to having amnesia, but I have no problem making new memories.”

  He listened intently, and she could feel anxiety radiating off him. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

  She could feel how much he meant it as his hand covered hers. She leaned in against him. “The weird th
ing is I remember my name and certain other small things. But huge chunks of my life are a blank. Namely, all of my life before the coma. Except little flashes of things with you that keep coming back here and there. They wondered if my amnesia could be dissociative, as in repressed by psychological mechanisms, but it’s not like they can tell those things for certain.” She shrugged. “You’d think if I could just make myself remember it, then I would have. Why would I have wanted to be alone for so long when I could have been with you?”

  He was quiet and she could sense something intense was going on inside him.

  “What’s wrong, Sam? You have to start talking to me, and not just about the good things.”

  His gaze whipped to hers, eyes sharp. “And what’s wrong with focusing on the good? I’ve had twenty years to think about the bad, Jo. I’m tired of the bad. And I’m scared as hell there will be more of the bad when you remember.”

  “What happened, Sam? How were we separated?” she asked, not feeling ready to hear the answer, but feeling she deserved to, even if it wasn’t the answer she wanted. If she’d hurt this beautiful man, she wanted to know.

  He put a hand up to his forehead and rubbed it vigorously. “It won’t make sense to you. Not unless I tell you everything.”

  Her heart thudded. “What is everything?”

  He took a deep breath and gave her a wistful look. “There are so many magical things in the world, Jo. Things you can’t even imagine. Things that make no sense. One of those things is what joins us together. But the last time I tried to talk about it, you were in visible pain. The last thing I want is to hurt you.”

  “Are you afraid if I remember, I won’t stay with you?”

  “That too,” he muttered. “Can’t we just wait until it comes out on its own? Maybe memories will come if we just let them.”

  “Maybe,” she said. “But I don’t see how we are supposed to be able to move on without knowing what happened.”

  “We move on by forgiving,” he said. “We move on by letting it go, not exploring it.”