She frowned. “Are you repressing things, then? Deep down, are you angry at me?”
He swallowed as he leaned over the rail, huge shoulders hunching under the weight of what they were talking about. “I was angry for a long time. But I don’t want to be angry anymore. I’m glad I was angry without you. I don’t want to be angry with you.”
“So I did do something,” she said. “And we were separated. Did you send me away?” Tears formed in her eyes at the thought of it.
He took her hand and pulled her forward. “Never. I begged you to stay.”
She blinked. “And I left?”
“Jo, what’s the good of exploring this?”
“You might know what I did and be able to forgive me, but I need to know so I can forgive myself. After all, I’ve suffered too. Whatever I did led to all of this. I can’t handle that. I’ll keep imagining things, and they’ll be even worse than the truth.”
He shook his head. “Then just stop. Why are you pushing this? We’re happy. Why can’t we just be happy?”
She stroked a hand through his hair. “Because it’s a false kind of happiness when one person is carrying something all by themselves. I want to know so I can carry that burden with you. So I can apologize to you. Make it up to you. I promise it won’t be so bad.”
He rested his chin softly on the top of her head, making her aware of just how much taller he was. She put her hands around his waist. When he was there, she felt safe. She didn’t want to leave that safety ever again. But why would she have left in the first place?
What kind of mother abandoned her sons?
“Sam… I…”
“I know,” he said. “I know we can’t just pretend like nothing happened. But it’s been so nice doing so. It’s been so incredibly nice having you with me.”
“And I’m still here with you,” she said. “So why are you so worried that whatever I remember will make me run?”
His arms tightened around her. “There’s a part of you. A part that is wild and restless, and that part was never able to stay with me. Was always running. I love all parts of you, Jo, I always have. But a part of me fears when that part of you wakes up, I’ll lose you again. Like I did before.”
Her heart pounded in her ears and the annoying buzzing inside her became stronger. “A part of me? That makes no sense. You mean like an inner child?”
“No,” he said. “Nothing like that. I can’t explain without telling you everything. I wish I had someone to tell me what was right, and when it was right. I wish I had a guide or a manual right now for how to love you.”
She held him tight as a gust of sea breeze moved over them, salty and sour. “I wish I had one too.”
“So what now?” he asked. “What do I do?”
She didn’t know either. If there were truly a part of her that didn’t want to be with Sam, did she want to know about it? And if she’d left, why hadn’t he fought for her? Why hadn’t he made her come back? So many questions swirled in her.
“If I left, why didn’t you find me?”
“I told you I tried. That part of you that was wild went silent. It didn’t call out to me. Wait, I know that makes no sense. But I looked and looked. I assumed this time you didn’t want to come back, and I had to take care of our sons.”
She nodded. “You did the best thing possible, then, taking care of them. I just wish it had all happened differently.”
“Believe me, sweetheart, so do I.”
“So what happens if you tell me and I don’t leave?” she asked. “What happens then?”
“Then we stay together, like we always should have been, and enjoy our grandchildren. We get back all those years we missed out on. We get back that future growing old together that I always wanted with you.”
“And if not? If what I remember makes me want to leave you?”
He sighed. “Then I let you go. But not without a fight.”
“Good,” she said. “Fight for me.”
“As long as you will,” he said.
“I’m not ready, though,” she said, trying to calm the buzzing inside her. “Let’s do it at the end of the week.”
He nodded. “We both deserve one week of this at least. After so much unhappiness.”
“Right,” she said. “We’ll face reality in a week. Right now, I want the dream.”
He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it. “Me too.”
6
Sam was grateful Jo had agreed to wait until the end of the week. He knew it was the coward in him that didn’t want to tell her, but he tried to say it was also concern for her well-being. His protective instincts toward her were strong, and he hated the thought of saying something that put her in pain.
He’d given a lot of thought to what she’d said about the amnesia, though he hadn’t asked her more questions about it. Retrograde amnesia after trauma. After being shot.
He growled and nearly crushed the glass he was holding at the thought of someone shooting his mate. But he pushed it away, deciding to deal with it once they had to deal with everything else. But when she did remember, if she remembered who, he’d hunt whoever did it until he was worse than dead, for daring to harm his mate. And then he’d deal with his own feelings for failing to protect her.
But right now, both he and Jo had resolved to enjoy the present. To give them both a short respite between the storm they’d weathered and the one that was coming.
“Sam?” she called from the infinity pool on the balcony of her penthouse suite.
Her voice was still music to him. Always had been. “Coming.” He drank his ice water down and then took her a glass of icy lemonade. Her face glowed as she took it.
She already seemed so much happier with him than she’d been when she first showed up at his door, looking beaten down.
“What’s wrong?” she asked as he joined her in the pool, sitting beside her. “You seem upset.”
“Mildly,” he said. “Nothing a kiss with my lady couldn’t solve.”
She leaned in and kissed him on the nose, laughing when he narrowed his eyes at her.
“Not what I meant.”
She giggled and set her drink down on the deck before turning to him and taking his face in both hands to plant a warm, wet kiss on him.
He growled and took control, dipping his tongue in to taste her. He stroked and explored as she melted in his arms, making little mewling sounds that drove him crazy as his hands found her breasts and tweaked her nipples gently to the rhythm of their kiss. In and out, tongues meshing and entwining, heat rising despite the cool temperature of the water between them.
Sex with them had always been heaven, and it seemed nothing had changed in the years she’d been gone. She was still made for him, and he lived to pleasure her.
He pulled her onto his lap, loving her generous shape, rounded and soft and welcoming. He knew no one could see them here, at the top of the hotel, shielded by the pool edge and the railing beyond it, so he pulled down the straps of her swimsuit so his mouth could have access to her breasts.
Every time he saw them felt like the first time. He loved the shape of them. Gathered them in his large, strong hands and loved the blush that came to her face as he handled her deftly, stroking over her nipples, making her arch back in ecstasy.
His woman. His mate.
His bear growled happily inside him as he leaned down to kiss one and then other, giving each of them equal attention, holding them in his hands as he kissed and sucked each to aching peaks and then tortured them with slow, wet strokes.
Her thighs straddled his, and she ground against him as he continued to make love to her breasts. The frenzy grew higher and he moved to her neck, biting and kissing and grinding his hips against her as she gasped out her approval. He sucked her earlobe into his mouth, biting down just as she arched against him in ecstasy, legs clenching against him as she found her release.
Damn, he loved this woman. Loved that she could seek her pleasure so freely. Loved th
at there were so many ways for her to go, for him to please her.
But there was still one he loved the best. He turned her in his arms and stripped her suit off until she was naked and then turned her around to face him again, sliding her deftly over him.
She was still flushed and sensitive from her orgasm, and her eyes closed in ecstasy as she settled over him, taking him deep inside. He loved the warm weight of her on top of him, always had. Loved watching the movements of her gorgeous breasts, loved seeing her put her arms in her hair as she got ready to come.
He held her ribcage, stroking up over her nipples as she found the rhythm she wanted with him.
Each stroke into her felt like heaven, as it always did. Her expression tightened as she continued.
“Sam, it’s… I can’t hold on long.”
“Then go,” he said. “I’ll wait and go with you next time.” She nodded and brought a finger between them, stroking herself just above where they were joined. Then she screamed and arched back, and Sam thought it was the most blissful feeling ever, just watching her go so freely, watching her in so much pleasure. He felt her tense around him, tempting him, squeezing him, and bit down to focus on not joining her. Yet.
Instead, he enjoyed the look of her breasts as she arched, the way her long lashes fluttered, and the way her skin seemed to glow in the sunlight. He was glad no one could see them here. His mate. His. No one else’s. Ever.
“Again,” she said breathlessly. He couldn’t agree more. She started moving and this time he thrust with her, enjoying every inch of the incredible grip she had on him that moved him closer to the edge with every second. He felt his muscles trembling in anticipation each time she took him inside.
So tight. So wet. So hot, especially in contrast to the water around them. Her skin was slick and hot and he loved running his hands over every inch of it as they came closer and closer to going together. The edge was coming, rushing toward him like a cliff when you’re going a hundred miles per hour. By her gasps, he knew it was close for her too.
He reached between them and flicked gently just where he knew she loved it, and she screamed and arched back once again in release. He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face against her breasts as he joined her, release pumping through him as he stayed warm and safe inside her, feeling her tense all around him.
Her warm arms encircled him and they breathed together, saying each others’ names as they rode out the orgasm. It was the best feeling in the world. He couldn’t imaging ever being happier.
He tried to be grateful, but a part of him was growing so hungry. He needed this more. He needed it always. He needed her with him.
He needed her so much it scared him.
* * *
The next day, Sam was looking forward to another great day with Jo when a knock sounded on his door. He sighed, loosening a tie he’d worn to a business meeting with the other resorts in the area, and walked to open it.
He wasn’t surprised when he saw his oldest son Scott there, leaning on the doorway with a serious look on his face. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” he said, stepping back so Scott could enter. Scott was wearing a suit, as usual, looking like a spitting image of his old man, and was pacing back and forth in the spacious living room, putting a hand in his blond hair but saying nothing.
“What’s wrong, son?” Sam asked.
Scott just gave him a narrowed glare. “What do you think is wrong? She’s still here and you’re living in a little bubble with her. She’s our mother too. It’s driving us crazy.”
“I thought you all wanted to stay separate,” he said.
“Yes, but we wanted to stay updated. I mean…” Scott rifled his hands through his hair in frustration. “I guess I thought we could stay more separate than this, but all three of us have been really nervous ever since she came. I mean, what is she like? I was so young, I barely remember. And yet I remember her somewhat well.” He shook his head. “I don’t know. But if you’re going to keep her around, a part of me wants to know when I can meet her.”
Sam nodded, folding his arms as he leaned on the edge of a counter. “I know. She wants to see you too. I’ve just been selfishly keeping her to myself.”
“I know,” Scott said. “And it’s all right. I mean, I’d be the same with Mara. Heaven knows I never feel like I get enough time with her. But has she remembered anything yet?”
Sam shook his head. “Any time I’ve mentioned something, she’s passed out. There are some really firm blocks there. But I do know she was shot sometime after she left. Presumably that caused the amnesia, but I’m not sure. She’s been living on her own since then, a completely miserable life without knowing people who loved her even existed.”
“Damn,” Scott said, his voice hollow. “It almost makes it hard to stay mad at her.”
Sam nodded. “She’s been through enough. And I think, since you’re happy now, the best move for everyone is if we can try to forgive.”
“It sounds as if you already have,” Scott said doubtfully.
“I have,” Sam said. “There was nothing to forgive in my mind. If anything, you boys just need to forgive me for being too weak to keep her, and then too weak to handle it without involving the three of you.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Scott said, putting a hand up to rub his forehead. “You aren’t to blame.”
“I chose her as mate.”
“If it was anything like me choosing Mara, there wasn’t much choosing involved. I just knew. I’m assuming it was like that with Mom.”
“It was,” Sam said, warming slightly at hearing his son call Jo ‘Mom’.
“Anyway, Sky is holding a birthday party for the cubs this week.”
“What? It’s already been a year?” Sam asked. “Damn, it goes so fast.”
Scott nodded. “You’re telling me. It feels like it was just yesterday you were flying all those bear women out on that fake vacation giveaway to hook us up with them.”
Sam laughed. “It worked better than even I hoped. It’s too bad you didn’t inherit your dad’s matchmaking power. But as I said, you can’t match someone who is already matched.”
“You’re never going to stop rubbing that in, are you?” Scott grumbled. “Anyway, what do you think about having her at the party to meet the family? Sky wants to invite her.”
Sam’s pulse sped up at the thought of her around so many people at once. People that could trigger memories. People she knew. But at the same time, he couldn’t just keep leaving his family in the dark over this. And he had promised her a week’s break, and the party would be the end of the week.
She wanted to meet her sons badly. And their mates would be there as buffers. It really would be the perfect time.
“She doesn’t know she’s a shifter,” Sam said suddenly, blurting it out. “She doesn’t know she’s a bear. It’s like the trauma is locked up with that somehow. And I’m just so worried that telling her about the bear again will make her pass out, or leave.”
“Again?” Scott asked.
Sam nodded, throat tight. “She asked if we were lovers. I told her we were mates. I was trying to tell her she was a bear when she passed out. Like her brain was refusing to accept it. She’s been loving me, staying with me. Trusting me. But she doesn’t know there is a huge part of her hiding, and I’m not helping her find it.”
“Bring her to the party,” Scott said. “When she meets the family, maybe she’ll remember.”
“Might be a downer on the party,” Sam said.
“Who cares?” Scott retorted. “This is our mom. This is your mate. You’ve done everything for us. We aren’t going to stop until you’re happy. If that means helping you and Mom come together, then we’ll do it. No matter how uncomfortable it makes it.”
“I still don’t know if she meant to come back. What if she never meant to?”
“Then it’s still better to know,” Scott said. “The truth is always better than a fantasy.”
Sam shook his head slowly. “No. Sometimes a fantasy is much, much better than the truth. I’ve had twenty years of truth. I wanted the fantasy. But everything has to end.” He felt weary and resigned, but his son was right. He had to stop living on the surface with Jo and get to the deeper layers. The painful, icky parts of their lives that needed to be relived and hashed out. One of his flaws had always been being too optimistic, only wanting to look at the bright side.
But he’d spent years nearly mad with grief when he couldn’t find her. For a while when she’d come back, it’d been like making love to someone you thought was dead. Like some kind of ghost. But he needed to help her come back to full-blooded life. He needed to help her remember her bear.
Even if her bear tore her away from him.
He felt his heart threatening to crack in half as he answered his son. “I’ll bring her to the party. Tell Sky we’ll be there.”
7
Jo didn’t know what to wear to her son’s party. She’d worn her nicest dress on the night she met with Sam. And what a night that had been. She stroked the red gown lovingly as she remembered their dinner together, and him telling her she had sons.
From that moment on, her heart felt like it had started beating again. Though life was scarier when she thought about meeting the family she’d been away from for so long, she felt she’d never truly be whole until she did.
Even if apologies needed to be made and relationships needed to be healed. She’d have Sam by her side, and that was all that mattered.
“You’ll look beautiful in anything,” Sam said, opening and shutting her suite door quietly as he joined her. “I am particularly fond of that dress though.”
She smiled. “Me too.” She pulled a black dress out that was a simple, knee-length sheath. “But I was thinking this one.”
“A bit somber,” he said. “But professional.”
She laughed. “It’s a bit of a somber occasion.”
“It’s a party,” he said. “For your grandkids.”
Remem-bear Me (Polar Heat Book 4) Page 5