by Alexis Hall
[Group][Burnzurfais]: ffs
[Group][Orcarella]: Don’t pull for me
[Group][Burnzurfais]: y no healz
[Group][Solace]: Because you pulled without the tank
[Group][Burnzurfais]: u suk
Solace resurrected the tragically fallen Burnzurfais. Somehow, even the guy’s avatar looked sulky.
[Group][Burnzurfais]: buff me
[Guild][Ialdir]: Guys, I think we’ve found a potential new recruit.
[Guild][Solace]: He’s a real prince.
[Guild][Orcarella]: lol
They took down the next pack with no problems, and then the corridor opened out into a wide, circular ring. In the middle, streams of lava converged and flowed into the furnace beneath. The first time Drew had seen it, he’d thought it was pretty majestic. The twelfth time, he’d just wished the whole place was smaller. This was well more than the twelfth time.
There were three bands of golems and cultists patrolling the rim. Once, he’d hit on the cunning notion of knocking them all over the edge with his Ruthless Surge, but they’d gathered at the bottom and come slowly back up, bringing the entire dungeon with them. He’d found it kind of hilarious, but his guildies at the time had been furious.
To give Burnzurfais due credit, he somehow managed to avoid throwing fire at them until Drew had put down his circle and charged into the first group. It was all going pretty smoothly until three extra burning robots lumbered over from the other side of the room.
Drew gave the guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’d just had a tabbing accident. Happens to the best of us. He strafed awkwardly over to intercept, just in time to see the elementalist hurl a fireball at the final group and then wrap himself in a cloud of mist, leaving them to run straight for Solace.
Shit had just got serious.
Circle of Corruption was still on cooldown, and he only had two taunts. He dashed across the room, just as Ialdir trapped a cultist with a bolas. But that left seven mobs still standing, and he was pretty sure some of them were healers and some of the others were firing rockets more or less at random.
At that moment, one of the golems lost interest in Orcarella and started pounding on Ialdir, while Burnzurfais went back to spamming the one spell he knew how to cast, standing in a puddle of flaming oil that was quickly eating his health bar.
[Group][Solace]: Don’t stand in fire
[Group][Burnzurfais]: healz
[Group][Burnzurfais]: healz!!!!11
He died.
[Group][Burnzurfais]: y no healz
Drew’s taunt came off cooldown, and he yanked the golem away from Ialdir just in time for the bolas to drop and the final cultist to take it personally. Out of the corner of his eye, Drew saw Solace’s health draining like pasta in a colander. Nipping between oil spills, she ran towards him, throwing HoTs, and he darted forward to meet her, unleashing Hail of Vengeance on everything around them. For a moment, he couldn’t see their avatars for giant robots and particle effects, as if they were standing together at the centre of a storm.
They took out a couple more golems before the damage and the chaos got too much for them and Ialdir took the wrong end of a rocket blast.
[Group][Ialdir]: You can do it guys, only four left!!
Drew was sweating slightly as he mashed his rotation. It wouldn’t really be his fault if they wiped, but he was the best geared tank on the server and he didn’t want to be dragged down by some mouth-breathing pillock with an RP-inappropriate name.
Also Solace was kind of depending on him. And the healer wasn’t dying on his watch.
His health dipped, and he threw up Wall of Blades as one more cultist keeled over.
[Group][Ialdir]: *waves pompoms*
Solace’s mana wasn’t looking great and, in his Vengeance spec, Drew’s damage output was pretty low. This was the point where all the graphics and all the sound effects and all the story just went away, and it became a game of blue bars and red bars and which of them hit zero first.
Another golem down. Two left, both on half health.
Then one.
[Group][Solace]: oom
Drew’s health ticked away. Ten percent. Five percent. His vampiric aura was giving him a slow trickle of healing, but it was nowhere near enough. The golem was dying too, but not quite as quickly.
And, at last, Orcarella collapsed to the floor and the golem, a last sliver of red clinging mockingly to the bottom of its health bar, turned to Solace.
Drew hated this bit. Not his fault but, damn, it felt like it.
[Group][Orcarella]: Sorry guys
[Group][Burnzurfais]: fucking noobs
Solace was kiting for all she was worth, but she had no health and no mana and she probably wouldn’t last another five seconds. The golem slammed its fist down. Then there was a rush of purple light and Solace was standing over the machine’s broken body.
[Group][Solace]: omg i cant believe that worked
[Group][Ialdir]: GJ guys
[Group][Orcarella]: wtf was that
[Group][Solace]: Dark elf racial. [Lifesteal]. Hee. I’ve never used it before.
[Group][Ialdir]: That used to be really OP back in the day.
[Group][Solace]: Back when all this was grass
[Group][Solace]: When you had to farm for mats uphill both ways in the snow
[Group][Ialdir]: And you had to respect your elders
[Group][Burnzurfais]: rez
[Group][Solace]: Sec, need to mana up. Just sipping on my [Fermented Cave Mould]. Mmmm.
[Group][Ialdir]: Better than the [Brackish Sump Water] you were drinking in the last expansion.
[Group][Solace]: Game developers hate spellcasters.
[Group][Burnzurfais]: rez
Drew stared at his crumpled corpse, which was lying at a slightly awkward angle on the floor, his axe clipping through the foot of a fallen golem. Solace drifted between the bodies of her slain companions, swaying gracefully as she worked the magic that would call their spirits back from the netherworld. Magic that, as one of the Heroes of Legend, she would have learned long before she learned to ride a horse.
A window popped up on screen.
Solace is trying to resurrect you: accept / decline.
[Group][Orcarella]: Thx
[Group][Burnzurfais]: rez
Solace moved to Ialdir and did her thing again.
[Group][Burnzurfais]: rez
Another window popped up.
Burnzurfais has initiated a vote-kick against [Solace] Reason []. Yes/No.
The vote to kick Solace has failed.
[Group][Burnzurfais]: rez
[Group][Orcarella]: dude, why did you just try to vote-kick the healer
[Group][Burnzurfais]: no healz
[Group][Ialdir]: if the tank dies, it’s the healer’s fault, if the healer dies it’s the tank’s fault . . .
[Group][Ialdir]: IF THE DPS DIES ITS BECAUSE YOU PULLED A BUNCH OF MOBS THEN STOOD IN FIRE
[Group][Burnzurfais]: too slow
[Group][Solace]: Why, are you late for the opera?
[Group][Burnzurfais]: i cud solo this on my main
With what seemed to Drew like an air of visible reluctance, Solace resurrected Burnzurfais. Then she jogged to the centre of the room, where the streams of lava met and plunged down into the furnace below. She teetered on the edge for a moment, her silver wings shining in the red glow from the final boss waiting in the depths.
[Guild][Solace]: Woah, that nearly went really badly wrong
[Guild][Dave]: Wut
[Guild][Solace]: I nearly fell down the middle of the furnace
[Group][Burnzurfais]: go
[Guild][Dave]: I did that once
[Guild][Dave]: Had num lock on
Ialdir and his pet owl, which seemed to be called Small Mangy Owl, went to the ledge and sat down next to Solace.
[Guild][Heurodis]: Once I jumped down because i was trying to show there was an invisible wall and you couldnt fall off it
[Guil
d][Solace]: I know. I was there
[Guild][Heurodis]: I was getting mixed up with the oubliette in FK back in vanilla
[Guild][Jargogle]: Oh, have you been playing since vanilla, Bjorn? I didn’t know because you never mention it.
[Group][Burnzurfais]: gogogo
[Group][Solace]: I never get tired of this view
It had been a while since Drew had even bothered looking at it. He sent Ella to join the others and tilted his mouse so he could see right down into the fiery chasm.
[Yell][The Forge Master]: MORE STEEL, MORE FIRE, MORE SERVANTS FOR THE GREAT MACHINE!
[Group][Burnzurfais]: gogogo
[Group][Ialdir]: you’d think he’d have enough servants by now
[Group][Solace]: I love how it’s the Great Machine. Like, how good is this machine? Pretty great.
[Yell][Ialdir]: MORE STEEL, MORE FIRE, MORE SERVANTS FOR THE ADEQUATE MACHINE
[Group][Orcarella]: lol
[Group][Solace]: Well you wouldn’t want to worship a machine with self-esteem issues
[Group][Burnzurfais]: what the fuk is wrong with u fukin noobs
[Group][Solace]: Just taking time to smell the lava
[Group][Burnzurfais]: ffs
[Group][Orcarella]: Ok, lets just finish this. If we skip Gabraxis and Irontongue and go straight to Pyrite we’ll be done in about 20 mins.
[Group][Burnzurfais]: kk
[Guild][Solace]: But I like doing the optionals. I don’t feel I’ve had a good day unless I’ve been impaled by Irontongue’s mighty shaft.
Ialdir ran around in circles, very nearly falling into the furnace.
[Yell][Ialdir]: IMPALED!!!
Drew’s Dr Pepper was suddenly all over his keyboard.
[Group][Orcarella]: shit, sec
He cleaned up after himself, still grinning and not sure why this wasn’t the worst dungeon run he’d been on in months. Then he settled back down, marshalled his merry band, and led them deeper into the furnace. The next few packs of mobs went down fairly smoothly. Burnzurfais was still bad at avoiding damage and worse at keeping quiet about it, but he’d stopped pulling and hadn’t actually died again, so it seemed like they were making progress.
The party turned left into the rough-hewn cavern where Pyrite stood around waiting obligingly for adventurers to come and kill him. The entrance was swarming with tiny golden rocklings. Drew knew from experience that they exploded when they died. When the patch had first come out, you’d had to take them down one at a time so the damage didn’t spike too much, but a tier and a half later, Orcarella had enough health to eat it twice over.
[Group][Orcarella]: r
[Group][Ialdir]: r
[Group][Solace]: r
He waited a second or two for Burnzurfais, who bounced about impatiently but didn’t actually say anything in chat. Then he slapped down his Circle of Corruption and charged. The little rocks swarmed round, glittering and glinting as Ialdir’s exploding arrows landed neatly amongst them.
Suddenly, Burnzurfais was standing right on top of Ella, lightning coruscating around his body. It was the one time Drew had seen him cast a spell that wasn’t Fireball or Shroud of Mist.
The rocklings dropped dead with the precision of a synchronised swimming team, unleashing a massive chained explosion. Ella’s health plummeted, stabilised, and then began to climb steadily.
Drew remembered to breathe.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a halo of golden light appear around Burnzurfais, which probably explained why he lasted three whole seconds before keeling over.
[Group][Burnzurfais]: ffs
[Guild][Ialdir]: is Mike around?
[Guild][Ignatius]: he’s making me a sammich
[Guild][Ialdir]: is there any reason for a fire ele to use that pb aoe lightning thingy
[Guild][Ignatius]: I’ll ask
[Guild][Ialdir]: thanks Helen
Solace was standing over the perennially incapacitated Burnzurfais, slowly bringing him back to life.
[Guild][Heurodis]: there isnt
[Guild][Heurodis]: fire aoe rotation should be fb to proc rof, then conflag til everythings dead
[Guild][Ialdir]: do you even play an elementalist
[Guild][Heurodis]: i had one back in RotU before they got nerfed
[Group][Burnzurfais]: heal me
[Guild][Ignatius]: Mike says Eye of the Storm is mostly a threat generator for the tanking tree
[Guild][Ignatius]: fire normally waits until Reign of Fire is up, then spams conflagration
[Group][Burnzurfais]: heal me
[Guild][Heurodis]: :D
[Guild][Jargogle]: I thought it was against the rules to encourage Bjorn.
Ignatius has now been demoted to Guild Peon
[Guild][Ignatius]: hey, I was out the room, doing you a favour, Jacob
Ignatius has now been promoted to Guild Mascot
[Group][Orcarella]: mb before boss?
[Group][Solace]: please
Solace curled up on the floor and began sipping what was probably a delicious mug of [Fermented Cave Mould].
[Group][Burnzurfais]: heal me
[Group][Ialdir]: Dude, you’re an elementalist.
[Group][Ialdir]: not only do you have your own healing spells
[Group][Ialdir]: you can make your own food for free
[Group][Burnzurfais]: is healers job to heal
[Group][Burnzurfais]: stupid ffn noob healer
Drew gave up, right-clicked Burnzurfais, and initiated a vote-kick.
Burnzurfais vanished.
[Group][Solace]: Thank you
[Group][Solace]: Sadly, I can’t heal dickhead
[Group][Orcarella]: Want me to requeue?
[Group][Ialdir]: I think I’m done with randoms for today
[Group][Solace]: We can three man
[Group][Solace]: And now Mr Likestodie has gone we can go back and down Irontongue too
[Group][Orcarella]: God do we have to?
Solace shuffled up so close to Orcarella that the sleeves of her robe were clipping through the dread knight’s spiky armour, and performed a winsome little animation.
[Group][Solace]: Please?
[Group][Solace]: Please?
[Group][Solace]: Please?
[Group][Solace]: I’ll heal you real good baby.
Drew was glad he was sitting on the other side of a chunky orc in a skull-shaped helmet because he thought he might be blushing.
[Yell][The Forge Master]: MORE STEEL, MORE FIRE, MORE SERVANTS FOR THE GREAT MACHINE!
[Group][Orcarella]: Well, since you put it that way.
[Group][Solace]: Yay
Solace boinged happily around the cavern, just out of reach of the towering rock giant.
[Group][Ialdir]: If you pull, we’re letting you die
[Group][Solace]: gogogogogogoggogogo
[Group][Orcarella]: sure we can do this?
[Group][Ialdir]: course we can, we’re the most progressed casual guild on the server
[Group][Solace]: I’ve 3-manned this with Morag and Bjorn a bunch of times
[Group][Orcarella]: you must kick a lot of randoms
[Group][Solace]: No, no, we fly in the door
[Group][Ialdir]: Omg retro
[Group][Orcarella]: Um why
[Group][Solace]: It’s fun
[Group][Ialdir]: Omg crazy
[Group][Ialdir]: Having fun in the game
[Group][Orcarella]: right, lets do this
[Group][Orcarella]: Ill turn him to face the back wall
[Group][Orcarella]: Ialdir you’re on rocklings
[Group][Solace]: Let me switch to Glory
[Group][Solace]: It’s got slightly better DPS
[Group][Ialdir]: You know what else is really good DPS
[Group][Solace]: Bjorn
[Group][Ialdir]: *cries*
Drew carefully put what was left of his Dr Pepper out of harm’s way. He caught a glimpse of the time on his minimap and realised they’d been in the insta
nce for over half an hour. Normally, he could blitz this place in twenty minutes, and it still felt like forever.
And, shit, he was meant to be meeting his mates for the £5.95 lunch deal in the Slug and Lettuce down the road. Well, it was only the pub, he could be late. They’d take the piss, but, hey, what were friends for?
He checked his buffs, made sure Solace had mana, and ran straight for Pyrite’s crotch, dropping CoC somewhere under his big toe. He strafed round, and Pyrite wheeled after him, waving huge rocky fists and paying no attention to the arrows thunking into his gold-encrusted arse. It was a pretty straightforward fight most of the time, and Ella had nothing to do except swing her maces at the boss’s knees and occasionally get slammed on the head.
Now that Drew thought about it, tanking wasn’t exactly a dignified role a lot of the time. He basically spent his evenings staring at a series of monstrous packages and being chewed on by irate minions. Unless it all went wrong, and then he was running around like a headless chicken right up to the point where he dropped dead.
But things were a bit more tense with only three. Every so often, Pyrite would stop and encase a member of the party in something called Fool’s Gold, and they had to be broken out by the DPS. Since Ialdir was the only one there who could do anything remotely approaching damage and Drew had to keep the boss against the wall in case his cone attack squished the whole party, sometimes it was up to Solace to smash Ialdir out of a rocky prison. Which was bad for Ella’s health and Drew’s nerves.
But the most progressed casual guild on the server triumphed in the end, and Pyrite slowly collapsed into a pile of rubble, dropping a pair of bracers that would have been useful a tier ago and a set of spiked knuckles nobody had ever wanted.
[Group][Ialdir]: GJ team
Solace ran past him, jumped into the giant’s body, and vanished.
[Group][Solace]: Weeeee
[Group][Ialdir]: That looks so wrong
[Group][Solace]: You don’t know what I’m doing in here
[Group][Ialdir]: Please exit the boss corpse in a calm and orderly fashion
[Group][Orcarella]: Does she always do that
[Group][Ialdir]: Not always
Pyrite’s remains vanished to reveal Solace doing her slinky dance. At his keyboard, Drew sighed and shook his head, but he was smiling.
[Yell][The Forge Master]: MORE STEEL, MORE FIRE, MORE SERVANTS FOR THE GREAT MACHINE!