by Laurie Lochs
Perhaps the boy had been taken by endorphins. If so, of course he would feel differently when he woke up than when he went to bed in my arms. He’d been high off the rush, and when the rush had died down, he no longer felt comfortable cuddling in the playroom with his Daddy. In his mind, I was still a strange man who had yet to prove he wanted what was best for him and that he wouldn't hurt him in any way. Obviously I knew I wouldn't hurt him; but there was no way for Trevor to know, not really. It was possible he’d had bad encounters with men before and got nervous.
But… Fuck. That was no good. I couldn’t allow that to happen. I really, really needed him to fill the slot for talent night. At this time, it was too late to find another act. The end of the month was rapidly approaching. Trevor and I had already agreed he would perform. Besides, I could tell he needed the $300. If he agreed, I might even up his payment to $400, especially if he brought in enough clientele to justify the additional expense. The boy was a veritable star in the making, and even if I couldn't be his Daddy, I still wanted to give him enough of a leg up to be able to come into his own as an artist. I wanted to give him every opportunity I hadn't had a chance to do with my own artistry — my music production — which I'd put on the back burner to invest all my time in my business.
I sipped the latte Veronica left. “You don’t have a choice, dude. You have to fucking call him before it’s too late.”
I made a note to call Trevor and apologize for how things turned out three days ago, and also to tell him that I very much wanted him to perform at Asteria. If he did, I might even waive the requirement that he had to perform in BDSM gear of his choice. I would even tell him I'd give him an extra hundred dollars — or even $200, if I could get Stephen on board — to help him out. Most of all, I wanted to apologize and let him know that, if he came back, I would never force him to do anything he didn't want to — even if it seemed like a great idea at the time — ever again.
I picked up the phone and dialed. The pause after one of the rings was especially long, and so I opened my mouth to speak, assuming that he picked up the phone. But as I force the words from my mouth, the rings picked back up and I knew he hadn't answered.
God fucking damnit. I should have called immediately after he’d left.
I hoped it wasn't too late to make things right.
Chapter 11
Trevor
One week later
* * *
I lifted my fingers from the Yamaha keyboard and smiled as the crowd burst into applause. I’d just finished my recent performance of an original song I wrote over the weekend, and the crowd seemed to like it. They clapped and shouted, letting me know that they appreciated my song. It was the second coffee shop I’d performed at this week, and the only one that let me in on such short notice. Hopefully I’d build my “brand” so other venues would reach out to have me perform. But the truth was my mind wasn’t on them at all.
I closed my eyes and pretended like I wasn’t half-expecting Ash to show up and hand me another business card. I’d gotten a call from him last week but I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I wanted to climb into a hole and forget that I ever ran away from Asteria with my tail between my legs. It was fucking embarrassing. Ash deserved a boy who was comfortable with having a Daddy. I couldn’t believe I’d been so ashamed.
"Trevor," the promoter said, walking across the stage to greet me. I opened my eyes and immediately the crowd came bursting back into view. The promoter was beaming as he set a cold iced coffee on a shelf next to the piano. "You were incredible. You have so much talent."
"Thank you.” I smiled politely and stared into the crowd again. Everyone was chanting my name and congratulating me on my original song.
This is good, I thought to myself as I walked off the stage. This is really good, Trevor. Maybe you don't need Ash or Asteria after all. Maybe you can find your own way.
The promoter led me off the stage and towards the back where he ordered a coffee for me and where he got a cocktail. It was one of those colorful cocktails that looked delicious on online menus, which I couldn’t try because I wasn't 21. I received the coffee and graciously thanked the bartender.
"How long have you even been playing?" the promoter asked, taking a sip of the drink. He closed his eyes and savored the taste as if it was ambrosia from Mount Olympus.
“Oh, not long. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I used to write songs all the time in high school, but I never had the guts to perform them. I mean, I tried but it didn’t work out.”
"Hmm?" He turned to me. It was clear he wasn’t listening at all.
“It just didn’t work out," I added hastily. The promoter nodded. He pretended he understood me.
I sighed and sipped the coffee. At least the performance had gone well. I'd done it once and I would do it many times over. That much I knew. And if performing at Asteria was no longer an option on the table, I would have to live with that and find another way.
My eyes flitted over the crowd of people, but my mind drifted back to Ash. I couldn't believe how gracious he'd been to let me go the other day, when my nerves got the best of me and ruined the special moment we had. I'd been so calm and comfortable in the playroom. He’d literally sang me to sleep in his arms. My fingers had explored every inch of his 5 o’clock shadow, and his cock tasted better than anything I’d ever dreamt up while masturbating. Ash was the man I’d been waiting for all my life, but I'd been too stupid to realize what I had. Instead, I'd gotten like a deer in headlights and froze.
Fight or flight. That's what it's called, Trevor. You got nervous and you ran.
It was true. In all sincerity, I'd half-expected Ash would tell me I couldn't leave because we’d already spent so much time together that day. I fully expected my worst fears to come true, that he would grab me and bring me to the Dungeon and do things to me I didn't want or like. But that wasn't what happened at all. Instead of losing his shit, he acknowledged my wishes and led me to the door. It hurt him, I could see it in his eyes. But he’d done it anyway, he'd fought through the pain to make sure I felt safe. This spoke to how good of a man he truly was.
I'd ruined our moment. Now I’d never speak to him again.
As the night wound down, I thanked the promoter again and left the nightclub. I hadn't gotten paid for the event, and it was little more than a local talent show or showcase that helped up-and-coming artists get their name into the world. The only paid offer I'd had to sing one of my songs was for Asteria. With a sigh, I entered the bus when it finally came and found a seat towards the back.
The bus rushed down Hennepin and finally turned onto Lyndale. Suddenly, it took a sharp left and veered in a direction I didn’t know. “Excuse me," I called out to the driver, “I believe this is the wrong turn, Sir."
The driver only shook his head. "I'm afraid you're mistaken. This is the route for the 24C."
My jaw dropped. "The 24C?"
I frantically glanced around me. Sure enough, I’d gotten on the wrong bus. The route to my aunt’s house was the other direction, and I was going to only God knew where. The bus lines would stop running soon, and I didn't have a phone on me to let my auntie know to pick me up or to look up a second bus that could get me there.
I was about to tell the driver to let me off when, suddenly, something burst beneath the bus, which sent me flying down a row of seats across the aisle. I cried out and shoved my arms in front of me to break the fall, but it didn’t stop me from soaring headfirst into a row of hard, black seats and bashing my nose on a metal pole. "Motherfucker," I whispered, picking myself up from the floor and wiping my throbbing nose. Hurt like a bitch.
“Oh fuck," the driver said, thumbing the controls. “Looks like a mechanical failure."
As politely as I could, I thanked the driver and made to leave the bus. But before I could move, I suddenly noticed a sign flashing through the window. It was a small, neon sign that tried to conceal the building it was advertising. My palms grew sweaty and my heart rus
hed to my throat. I’d recognize that sign anywhere.
It was Asteria.
Chapter 12
Ash
“And that’s a wrap!” the announcer said, raising the hand of the winning contestant and handing him a gold medal. The contestant beamed and accepted the prize. The crowd watching the display burst into applause and the contestant cried. Little did he know that I was crying, too. Tears of fucking boredom.
I sighed and snapped off America Ninja Warrior. I glanced at the clock and saw it was past 10 PM. Stephen hadn’t shown up all day and it was beginning to show. While the bills had been paid, he was neglecting so many of his duties that I was blow a fuse. I suddenly understood why Veronica had been so goddamn upset.
But I couldn’t exactly blow a fuse, especially with talent night right around the corner. I couldn't afford to. It was going to sink us if we didn't deliver on our promise to the kink community, if we didn’t have talent lined up. It would throw mud on our reputation and stamp our good name in the dirt.
Which meant it was really a bitch sweet Trevor hadn't picked up his phone. I’d left one message and called two times after that. I wasn't trying to harass the boy — unless giving him a golden opportunity to perform and make money was considered harassment — but I needed to know whether there was any chance we’d get him to sing. I also needed to apologize for making moves on him the other day when I totally shouldn’t have. It was wrong.
When I finished organizing the papers, I slung my briefcase over my shoulder and made to leave my office. I flicked off the light and studied myself in the reflection. Jesus Christ, I was getting big. A tuft of chest hair poked through my button down and it didn't look cute. I knew a lot of guys were into bears, but maybe that had put Trevor off… Maybe I really needed to start taking my health and fitness seriously, and get one of those full-body waxes that other gay men my age sometimes got to stay attractive. Of course, I didn't exactly want to get a wax… It so wasn't my scene. It also hurt like a bitch. But if Trevor had been put off by my body hair, I wasn't taking the option off the table.
"It's not your hair," I whispered to myself, locking up shop. I moved a garbage bin to the end of the hallway and posted a notice about safe sex on the bulletin board. "It's because you scared him off."
I made my way to the front door. I’d done little more than turn the key in the lock when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the 24C that often went by Asteria parked in front of the curb. I furrowed my brow.
How strange. The bus had never stopped in front of Asteria before, at least not that I could remember. Maybe they put in a new stop.
I felt horrible. The bus must've broken down. I was about to go and ask if the driver needed any assistance, when, suddenly, a fragile boy climbed down the steps and glanced nervously straight at me. My heart stopped and I damn near fainted on the steps.
It was my sweet boy.
Chapter 13
Trevor
Oh God. No, no, no. It’s Ash.
I gulped and stared at the man who’d just walked out of Asteria. Why the hell did he have to come out at this exact time? If it had been anyone else — maybe somebody I wasn't trying to avoid with my entire soul — I would've said fate brought us together or the stars aligned to make us meet outside the kink club. But this was the last person I wanted to see right now. I didn’t want to talk to this man ever again.
"Trevor," Ash called from across the street. He was waving at me. "I see you made it just on time for rehearsal."
I let out a sigh and smiled weakly at him. “N-Not quite," I said, "the bus… Well, we had some issues."
"No shit," Ash said with a low laugh. Suddenly, it hit me that Ash lived an entirely different life than me in this very building. I knew nothing about him, besides the fact that he liked being a Daddy. He was my polar opposite: big when I was small, open to experiences to which I was more closed off than a church mouse. And his voice sounded gravelly, as if he'd been working all day and didn't remember how to make small talk. "Why don't you get over here and we'll figure something out? We could run through your number. Or,” he continued, “you could hop in my car and I could take you home. Unless you have a better way.” He gestured to the broken bus.
I glanced at him again. He was standing with three file folders tucked under his arm, and a small patch of glorious chest hair poked out of his button down. He looked sexy as fuck, all big and cuddly. Without warning, every memory from our day together flashed through my mind, and I pictured myself leaning up against his body and his firm arms caressing me and making me calm. I couldn't stop myself from picturing how generous and gentle he'd been with me, the way he'd changed me and diapered me when I'd made a mess in my pants.
This isn't a man who will hurt you. You've been dying to talk to him all week. Take this golden opportunity and run with it.
"It's okay," I said, "I was going to walk anyways. I haven't been getting out much and, well… The exercise would be good for me."
Ash arched his eyebrows. "It's late for a walk," he observed, gesturing to the dark street. "Plus," he continued, "it's a Friday night. You don't know who's out, especially in this part of town. I'm not saying that we’re is in a dangerous neighborhood, but you never know if you might run into the wrong character up here."
I sighed. All my cards were laid out on the table for him to see. I had no more moves left in my arsenal. I needed to surrender before I made a fool of myself all over again. "You're right," I said at last, staring back down at a crack in the street. It looked like whoever had tried to patch the road had done a terrible job and only filled the potholes halfway with tar, instead of fully. "I got on the wrong bus."
I was about to take a step towards Ash when, suddenly, he walked towards me. Something shot across my gut but I pushed it down. Within seconds, he was in front of me, and his musk enveloped me like a dream. His brown hair sat snug on his four head and his skin glistened in the streetlights.
"Before I offer you a ride home," Ash began, "I need to set two things straight."
I stared up at him. I had nothing to say.
"I need to apologize for what happened the other day. That was inappropriate, especially since you were coming to apply for a job. I crossed every kind of professional line and I'm sorry, Trevor. You deserve better and your art deserves to be taken seriously. You shouldn't be expected to have to "put out" in order to make it as a musician."
My jaw fell to the potholes below. I stared at Ash. So he knew I’d been feeling uncomfortable that day, after all. This hurt me, but only because I knew I’d hurt Ash.
Yet it also hurt me because it made it seem like he didn't hold our time together in the same regard. In my mind, it was something special, treasured, sacred. It was a perfect afternoon that I’d ruined by being sacred. In my mind, I was the problem for freaking out and running off. He'd reduced it to… A manager fucking the talent. Did he not think it was so much more special than that?
“Also, cutie, I need to apologize if I made you uncomfortable in any way. I should never have done what I did, but clearly there was something about the act itself that made you uncomfortable. You might not be a little after all. And for that, I apologize. It wasn't my intention to upset you in any way, Trevor. I think there might have been some mixed signals, or some lines that I crossed. But I very much would still like you to perform in our talent night. If you agree, I’ve been authorized to pay you an extra $200. You have my word that I will never — and I mean this, Trevor — try to sleep with you again.”
I scanned his face for any hint of deceit. What was he saying? He really didn't want to sleep with me again? No, I wanted to say, you’ve got it wrong. The problem was me, Ash. How are you so blind? I enjoyed every second we had together. But… I just got anxious, that's all. I've been hurt before and, well… I felt so safe in your arms. I thought it was too good to be true, but it wasn't. I can see that now. You're a great man and I'm so lucky to have ever run across you.
But I couldn't say these
things. Ash clearly had regrets about our time together. For all I knew, I hadn't been a good enough “little” for Ash. If that was the case, it was no surprise he was trying to put distance between us. It wasn't that he thought I thought he made me uncomfortable, but that I didn't live up to his expectations.
I felt my heart collapse in my chest. "Okay," I muttered, unable to take my eyes away from the gravel in the road. "If that's what you want."
Ash furrowed his brow as if he was thoroughly confused. But he nodded slowly. "Like I said, Trevor. I’d love to have you perform in our talent night. In fact," he continued, "I'll do whatever it takes to get you to perform. It's right around the corner and you're the perfect talent we need. We can't have drag queens singing opera forever. At some point, we need to bring in a fresh face to sing pop songs that will attract a broader audience. My business partner Stephen and I know you are perfect for the role."
I nodded. I had no idea his business partner was involved, as well. I knew I could say no, but… Well, it really was a great opportunity. Plus, he’d offered me an extra $200. I would just have to pretend that I didn't have feelings for my boss.
"I'll do it.” I smiled weakly.
Ash burst into a grin. He was clearly relieved. "That's great news. I'm going to drive you home and send you the agreement over Doc-U-Sign later tonight."