My Name Is Chloe

by Melody Carlson

  Toward the end of fifth period I was summoned to Mrs. King’s office again. This time, Kerry was there too. It was the first time I’d seen her up close with her bandaged nose, and I could see now that her eyes were also blackened. Man, I must’ve really walloped her good.

  “I’m sorry, Kerry,” I said as soon as I saw her.

  She nodded. “It’s okay. I guess I was asking for it.”

  “Why don’t you both sit down,” said Mrs. King. Then she turned toward me. “Kerry and I have been talking this whole thing through, and she’s willing to drop all charges.”

  Kerry looked down at the floor. “I didn’t really want to press charges in the first place. It was Tiffany’s idea, and then she got my parents all worked up and, well, it just sort of mushroomed.”

  Mrs. King nodded. “I told Kerry about the witnesses who had already prepared affidavits and were willing to testify against her.”

  I looked at Kerry. “Did you read my letter?”

  “Yeah,” she said without looking up. “Thanks.”

  The office was silent for a moment then Mrs. King cleared her throat. “Uh, Kerry, was there something you wanted to say to Chloe?”

  Kerry looked up. “Yeah.”

  I waited.

  “Well, it was wrong for me and Tiffany to pick on you.” She slowly shook her head. “I don’t even know how that whole thing got started in the first place. I guess I was afraid Tiffany would quit being my friend if I didn’t go along with her. She can turn on people really quickly, you know. And, well, it doesn’t matter now anyway since she’s not going to be my friend anymore.”

  “I know it’s probably wrong to say this, Kerry,” I said, “but I think you’d be a whole lot better off without her.”

  She looked down again. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “I plan to speak to Tiffany this afternoon,” said Mrs. King. “This incident will also go on her record.”

  “So what happens now?” I asked. “I mean, with the police and everything?”

  “Kerry and her family will have to straighten that up. And you’ll want them to talk to your attorney, Chloe.”

  “And what about here at school?” I asked. “Mr. Thompson probably still thinks I instigated the whole thing.”

  “I’m going to insist that Tiffany and Kerry tell him the truth,” said Mrs. King. “That you were defending yourself. And, don’t worry; I’ll follow it up too.”

  “So, is this it then?”

  She smiled. “Pretty much. I just hope you girls learned something through all this.”

  Kerry nodded sadly. And I said, “I think so, but I’m still processing everything.”

  And even tonight I feel as though I’m still trying to wrap my mind around what happened during the past three days. I mean, it’s like one moment everything is going just fine—couldn’t be better—then the next moment your whole world is caving in on top of you. But I guess life is just like that. Whether you have God in your life or not, stuff is going to happen. The difference is in how you handle it when it does. If you’re trusting in God and asking Him for help, things turn out better. At least that’s how it seems to me. Because I’m thinking if this whole thing had happened before I asked God into my life, well, I’m sure I could’ve been in all kinds of trouble. Maybe I would be in jail right now; I don’t know.

  My dad is still pretty mad about the whole thing and keeps saying he wants Mr. Collier to sue both those girls for slander and assault and who knows what else. But I keep telling him to just chill. Still, he says he’s going to make them pay for our legal costs (which can’t be much since Mr. Collier only spent an hour or so with us). I told my dad he should just forgive and forget, and he laughed and said, “Now, don’t go taking this religion thing too far, Chloe.” So I thought I’d better leave it at that for now. No sense beating him over the head with it.

  FORGIVING

  to forgive isn’t cheap

  it doesn’t come free

  it costs pride and face

  and memory

  it’s biding your time

  and biting your tongue

  and forgetting words

  carelessly slung

  Jesus forgave

  He paid in full

  He’ll show us how

  and make us whole

  if we just trust

  and learn to live

  as we’re forgiven

  is how to forgive

  cm

  Thursday, December 12

  I played at the Paradiso again tonight—to a full house. A lot of kids from school were there including Torrey and Cortney, and to my surprise even Kerry showed up. Not with Tiffany, of course, since those two are sworn enemies these days (or so I’ve heard). But Kerry was with her new boyfriend and seemed happy. She and I actually have a casual talking relationship now. It’s weird how things can change so quickly. And, of course, my friends were there sitting at one of the front tables and cheering and jeering me on. Also, Mr. Thompson was there with his wife. That was kinda cool. He came up afterward and shook my hand and told me that it was a great performance.

  So it sort of feels as if life is returning to normal—if there is such a thing, and I like to think there isn’t. Because what is normal anyway? To me the word is the same as boring. And who wants that? Still, I don’t mind having a little less chaos these days. Life with God can be exciting enough without the threat of lawsuits and jail hanging over your head.

  Speaking of exciting I’m involved in five different musical performances this month. Two are related to choir, two with the coffeehouse, and one with church. Pretty cool! And I’m saving up my money toward the possibility of cutting a CD. But I’m still not sure if I should go solo on it or do it with our “band.” Although we’re not calling ourselves an official band yet. And we still don’t have a name. I’m praying that God will make it clear—and that He’ll open the doors as needed.

  Pastor Tony was talking about how God can either open or close doors for us. And we need to remember that just because a door gets closed, we shouldn’t get discouraged because it might be saving us from something that wouldn’t be good for us. But he also said that just because a door is wide open doesn’t mean we should walk right through it.

  I kind of struggle with that because when I see an open door (especially one that looks inviting) I want to just walk right in and make myself at home. But Tony said that we need a whole set of checks and balances like reading God’s Word and listening to good advice, and we need to make sure all these things line up and point in the same direction. And I suppose that makes sense, although I do like the idea of just walking right through an open door. Still, who knows what might lurk ahead even when something looks good? So I’m praying that God will help me to be wise.

  BEHIND THE DOOR

  an open door

  an invitation

  to come in

  no explanation

  is it right

  or is it wrong?

  set apart

  or belong

  unseeing eyes

  deafened ears

  yield to pain

  end in tears

  make me wise

  make me strong

  to follow You

  my whole life long

  amen

  cm

  Monday, December 16

  Totally cool night. Unforgettable even. We had a candlelit Christmas concert at the church. And it was beautiful.

  But first let me share the big news. We are officially a band now. I know this is going to sound weird, but I had a dream last week—a really vivid dream—and we three girls were playing on a big stage with lights and a huge sound system and what seemed like thousands of people in the audience. It was so awesome. And our band had a name: Redemption.

  Well, when I woke up it seemed so real—it felt as though God had given me the dream, and I was so excited I couldn’t even go back to sleep. So the next day I told Laura and Allie about it. I was all prepared for them
to roll their eyes and call me a nutcase and basically just hate the idea altogether. But they both got real quiet then almost simultaneously shouted, “That’s it!” So anyway, we knew we had this church gig coming up in just a few days, and we decided to make the big announcement then.

  So tonight I introduced us by saying, “My name is Chloe and these are my friends Laura and Allie, and we have just officially become a band.” The audience clapped politely. “And for the first time anywhere we are announcing our official band name. It’s Redemption.” And then the audience clapped even louder. We played our first song and the audience clapped with real enthusiasm, and they seemed to like our other songs too.

  And so Redemption is officially launched today. We’re even going to check into registering our name with a trademark or something, if it’s not too expensive. I’ll talk to Mr. Collier about this. Also, I’ve decided that if I save up enough money to cut a CD, I’ll do it with the band, not solo. It just seems right.

  OUR BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT

  a band was born tonight

  on december 16th

  making its appearance at 7:42 p.m.

  weighing in at several hundred pounds

  its Father is God

  and its name is Redemption

  keep it in your prayers

  cm

  Monday, December 23

  An amazing thing has happened in our family. My brother Josh has (sort of …) become engaged. To Caitlin, of course! Well, they don’t exactly call it an engagement. I think Josh said it’s a covenant, but it sounds like an engagement to me. He even gave her a ring. Now my parents like Caitlin a lot, but I don’t think they were overly thrilled with the whole thing. In fact, I think my dad’s just trying to blow the whole thing off, as if it’s nothing more serious than going steady. But, knowing Josh and Caitlin, I think it’s more serious than that.

  And like I’ve said before, it’s plain to see those two are in love. At least it’s plain to me. Although I think they’re a little young (I personally wouldn’t want to get married until I was at least twenty-five!), I do think it’s pretty cool. I would love to have Caitlin as my sister-in-law. She already seems like a sister to me. So, I told them I thought it was great.

  I really admire them too. They’ve both made this commitment to God to keep their relationship “pure.” That’s what Josh calls it. They’ve both promised to abstain from sex until they’re actually married. I think that’s a bit unusual these days. But maybe it makes sense when you think of how people get hurt in relationships all the time, and I’m guessing sex usually has a lot to do with it.

  I know how it was with me just about a year ago when a certain boyfriend was pressuring me. And that whole thing ended up in such a mess—and I got deeply hurt. All because I wouldn’t go along with him. And I suppose, in some ways, that was when things started changing for me. I pulled away from my friends (since they were all gossiping about me) and more into myself. I started dressing and acting differently—maybe just to rebel against the norm. I’m still not totally sure. And it’s not as if I’m saying that everything that came out of that era was completely bad or good; it was just different, change, transition. In fact, looking back now, I think God actually used that whole sequence of events to start bringing me to Him.

  Still, I’m not sure that I’m ready to make any big commitments about sex at the moment—one way or another. To be honest, it’s not something that even interests me much right now—there’s too much else going on in my life. I suppose if I had a real serious boyfriend, I might have to think harder about this whole thing. But, hey, I’m in no big hurry to have sex—as if anyone’s even asking! I guess it’s something I’ll have to work out between God and me. In due time that is. And I mean His time, not mine.

  YOUR TIKE

  when it’s time

  You will show

  i will be

  the first to know

  until then

  i will wait

  on You Lord

  and contemplate

  just how much

  i love You

  and to Your heart

  i’ll be true

  all i want

  is Your best

  i can wait

  for the rest

  cm

  Christmas Day, December 25

  I took some time by myself this afternoon, to take a walk and just talk to God—alone and undisturbed by tinsel and trees and jingle bells (not that I don’t like those things because I really do!). As odd as it probably seemed to any casual observers, especially on Christmas, I went up to the cemetery—to my rebirth place. I just wanted some quiet time to think about what He has done for me—for us. How He came to earth in the form of a vulnerable little baby—His Son—to show us how much He loved us.

  As I walked around the familiar gravestones, I wondered if I would be willing to do something so huge, like leave the comfort of a wonderful place like heaven to go someplace cold and dark and foreboding. I considered Katherine Lucinda dancing with the angels in the warm golden light up above (or whatever it is they do up there), and I’m sure it must be fantastic. Anyway, I thanked Jesus for doing this thing—for coming to earth—for loving me, and for changing my life.

  Just a year ago I was totally miserable. I didn’t even know what the point of Christmas was. And I remember getting into a huge fight with my parents, and I actually considered running away on Christmas Eve. I wanted to hurt them because they seemed so stupid and shallow and hypocritical to me at the time.

  And now, well, I suppose they haven’t really changed, but even so it’s easier to accept them for who they are. And I know that’s God at work in me. I mean, we’re all different—that’s how God made us—and it’s okay. So, I guess I’m the one who’s changed the most. And just taking some time to consider these things makes me so thankful. I wonder what I’ll be feeling by next Christmas.

  WONDER OF WONDERS

  oh, God, what You have done

  leaving the comfort and beauty

  the perfection of heaven

  to come down here

  to our darkness, our filth, our hopelessness

  oh, what You gave up

  for us

  pouring Your Godself into the tiny vessel

  of a fragile child

  oh, wonder of wonders

  i stand here amazed

  at Your awesome love

  and i thank You again

  and again

  amen

  cm

  Sixteen

  Saturday, January 4

  We had an extra long practice today since we’re going to play at the Paradiso Café next Friday night—our first paying gig as a band. Which also managed to launch us into our first major disagreement since Allie has become a Christian. It’s like the honeymoon was over. Or maybe just the roller coaster taking a sharp plunge. Anyway, I had just suggested that we should put our earnings (which won’t be much) toward making a CD. “We could even open a savings account in our band’s name.”

  “Yeah,” agreed Laura. “That’s cool.”

  “Hey, wait a minute,” said Allie. “Do I get a vote here?”

  “Of course.” I turned to see what she had to say.

  “It’s all good and well for you two to decide to put our earnings into a savings account,” she began, juggling her drumsticks as she talked. “But Laura, you have a job, and Chloe, you have rich parents. So it’s no big deal to you. But for me to earn a few bucks and actually get to keep it, well, that’s something I was kinda looking forward to.”

  So we kicked it around for a while, and I hate to admit it, but it got a little hot in there (and I don’t mean the temperature). I just didn’t see why Allie wasn’t willing to reinvest this money back into the band.

  “Look, Allie,” I reminded her, “You’re not doing so badly. You’ve got a roof over your head and food to eat and clothes to wear. What more do you need?”

  “That’s easy for you to say!” She hit her
cymbal hard. “You’ve got it made here on Snob Hill.”

  “Hey, that’s not fair—”

  “And I don’t have it as good as Chloe,” injected Laura. “But you don’t see me holding back.”

  “You’ve got a job—”

  “I work hard at my job. It’s not like they’re handing me the money on a silver platter!”

  And so it went. Finally, after Allie had burst into tears and both Laura and I had to apologize, we decided it was time to pray. That’s when we made a really good discovery. See, good things do come out of bad (when you allow God to lead, that is). We discovered that as a band we needed to put God first.

  “I think we should always start practice by praying together,” said Laura as we were packing up.

  “Yeah, that’d be good,” agreed Allie.

  “And maybe we should write something down,” I suggested.

  “Huh?” Allie looked at me. “You mean like a contract?”

  “Not exactly. Well, maybe. Mind of like a contract between God and us. Something that clearly says what we are about—what our purpose as a band is.”

  Laura nodded. “I like that.”

  “Me too,” said Allie. “But let’s not make it too complicated. Stuff never works when it’s too complicated. Like when I was twelve, some friends and I tried to start a club, but the rules were so hard to remember that we finally just gave it all up.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed, “let’s keep it simple.”

  So we sat down and put our heads together and finally came up with our list. (My dad says it’s called a mission statement.) Anyway, it’s not terribly original. Mostly, it’s just what Jesus said. But as simple as it sounds, it took us about an hour to agree on it. This is what it is:

  1) Put God first in our lives

  2) Love each other