“It doesn’t have to do with Josh. You’re right; he’s the best. The very best.” She paused now. “It had to do with me trusting God completely and being willing to be 100 percent obedient to Him—even if it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“Was it really the hardest?”
“I think so.”
“So, you really still love Josh then?”
“Yes. But, Chloe, please keep this between you and me.”
“You know you can trust me,” I assured her. And then I told her I’d be praying for her and Josh too and that I thought God would work it all out for both of them. Of course, I’m thinking that means God will work it out for them to eventually get married—because that’s what I think is going to happen. But I didn’t tell Caitlin that. I could tell it wasn’t what she needed to hear right now. I just hope Josh doesn’t get too depressed with this news. I’ll be praying especially hard for him. Poor guy.
This reminds of what Caitlin has said all along about dating. She said that no matter how you do it, someone always gets hurt. I’m starting to wonder if maybe she’s right. Still, I haven’t even had much opportunity to go there myself, and I’m not eager to go closing doors—unless God wants me to, that is.
HOLD THEM BOTH
o, Lord, keep them in Your hand
give them peace and help them stand
cover them with lots of grace
let them see Your tender face
wrap Your arms of love around
keep them safe and keep them sound
amen
cm
Saturday, February 22
We cut our first CD today. Notice I say “first” as if I think we may someday cut another. Well, who knows? It could happen. Ron Stephensen thinks it could. And so does Willy. Despite Willy’s occasional gloom-and-doom forecasts about the music industry in general, he’s usually quite optimistic when it comes to our talent and potential.
“You just need the right connections,” he said today as we were loading our stuff into his van. “I keep praying that God will send the right people along for you—when the time is right.”
I laughed. “You mean, like someone to discover us?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much what it takes.”
I guess the truly amazing thing is that we managed to do it all in one day—one very long day. Okay, it’s not a perfect CD. And if we’d had a couple weeks (and a couple hundred thousand bucks), I think it would’ve been much better. At least that’s what Willy said. But then it’s just a demo. Hopefully anyone who hears it will understand that.
Just as we were leaving the recording studio I remembered something. “Hey, I forgot to tell you guys that this coffeehouse over in Lake View wants us to play during spring break. It’s a Christian place called the Samaritan. I went there last year with a friend. It’s funny because I wasn’t even a Christian then, and now they want us to come play.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Laura. “I’m not going anywhere for spring break. In fact, I promised to work for my aunt all week. What day is it?”
“It’s a Saturday. As I recall, the place is about three times as big as Paradiso so there could be a fairly good-sized crowd.”
“Is this a paying gig?” asked Allie.
“Yeah, but only a hundred bucks. Still, the guy said we could sell our CDs and make some extra money that way. Ron said we should have them by then.”
So we started talking about designing some kind of cover for our CD. And before long we were arguing about whether to use a graphic design or a photograph.
“Look, I think you guys should let me do it,” said Allie.
“Well, you are the most artistic one,” said Laura.
“Yeah, but we all have to agree on it,” I added. “Don’t go printing off a bunch of covers without showing it to us first.”
“Like I would do that.”
YOUR WAY
show us Your way
set the path before us
and teach us to walk
help us to trust You
and hold to Your hand
we don’t know
which way to go
without You
show us Your way
amen
cm
Saturday, March 1
This morning my dad was walking around the house whistling and all happy, and I asked what was up.
“I’m thinking about booking a family trip for us during spring break.”
I frowned. “Really?”
“What’s wrong with that? I thought we could get one of those good deals on a Caribbean cruise. And Josh could come too. It would be fun. You know there’s probably not going to be many more family vacations with you kids growing up.”
I controlled myself from saying that it might be a good thing since our family vacations most often ended up in big family fights. “Do you think we could be back by the twenty-eighth?”
“What’s going on then?”
“Well, we kinda had a gig set up.”
My dad rolled his eyes. “Chloe, you’ll have your whole life to do music gigs if you want to, but this might be our last chance to do something like this all together.”
“All together?” I raised my brows. “You mean the whole family is going?”
Okay, I know that was a low blow and probably undeserved. But sometimes I just want to jerk my parents’ chain a little when it comes to my oldest brother, Caleb. I mean, I get tired of them pretending he’s dead or something. It’s as if they won’t even talk about it. The only one I can talk about it with is Josh, and he’s hardly ever around. But at least Josh and I are praying for Caleb. And I really believe that someday Caleb is going to figure things out and that he’ll let God into his life and come back to his family. In the meantime, I just pray that he’s safe. It scares me to think about it too much. I realize that he’s probably living a dangerous life. And sometimes I think he could be in real trouble—or even dead—and we wouldn’t even know about it. Then I have to pray really hard!
Well, anyway, my comment about Caleb pretty much put a damper on my dad this morning. And for that I felt bad. I hadn’t meant to rain on his parade. Not really. And who knows, maybe a cruise would be a good thing for Josh. Even though he acts like it’s all just fine and dandy, I know he’s still hurting from Caitlin’s breakup.
So later this evening when I saw my dad intently searching the Net, perusing the travel networks for good cruise deals, I didn’t say anything negative. In fact, I just pretended not to notice.
But now I’m thinking, am I crazy? Why am I willing to pass up a perfectly good Caribbean cruise just to stay home and play at a coffeehouse? But I am. I realized right away that I shouldn’t mention the possibility of any of this to Laura and Allie. For one thing, I’m the one who set up the coffeehouse gig in the first place. But besides that, I can just hear Allie digging into me for giving up an opportunity like that. She’d kill to go on a cruise. Okay, not kill, since that would be wrong. Anyway, I kept my mouth closed about this during practice today.
Just as we were quitting, Allie did a little drumroll (on her new and very cool drum set). “I have an announcement to make.” She pulled out a folder. “The artwork for our new CD cover is ready for your approval.”
Laura and I went over to get a closer look, waiting for her to unveil her creation.
“Here it is!” She held up what looked to be a collage and upon closer inspection was really quite good. She’d taken a photo of us (from the night she’d barfed on my guitar), pasted it along with some other things, and then done some drawing with ink on top and written the word Redemption in scraggly red letters.
“This is really cool, Allie,” I said. “I can see this as a CD cover.”
“I don’t know …” Laura frowned. “It’s so edgy looking. Is that really the image we want?”
We both turned and looked at Laura. I think it was one of the few times when I really saw Laura the way most people probably see
her. I guess I sort of think of myself as not really looking on the exterior of people so much. Oh, I know I have my hang-ups—particularly with people who look too perfect—but for the most part, I try not to put too much stock into appearances. But just then, as Laura was making this statement about image, it hit me: She looks pretty much like a preppy. An African-American preppy chick. Then I turned and looked at Allie. I have to admit I think I’ve had an influence on her looks, because she dresses kind of like me now. Mind of grunge or urban or I-couldn’t-care-less-what-you-think kind of look. And I think she looks pretty cool.
Then we were both looking at Laura, and I think we both had the same expression on our faces.
“What?” demanded Laura defensively.
“I don’t know …” I shrugged. “I guess I never really thought we had to have an image.”
Laura firmly shook her head. “No way. I don’t buy that. You get up every day and you look in the mirror and then dress like a bum, and now you’re saying you don’t think we need to have an image?”
I laughed. “You think I dress like a bum?”
She nodded. “Well, what do you expect me or anyone else to think, for that matter? You both are into this look. But I’m sorry; it’s not for everyone. And it’s definitely not for me.”
“Sheesh, Laura.” I scratched my head. “It’s like you’ve really given this some thought.”
She walked over to the other side of the room and sank down onto the old couch against the wall and just sighed.
We followed her over there. Allie perched on a couch arm, I flopped onto the floor, and we both just looked at her. “Does the way we look really bother you?” I asked.
She shrugged.
“Come on, tell us the truth,” urged Allie.
“Yeah, sure it bothers me.”
“Why didn’t you tell us this before?” I asked.
She pushed the sleeves of her sweater up and leaned forward. “Well, at first when we first started jamming, I told myself it didn’t matter. I mean, I thought you were a really good musician, Chloe, and I just wanted to play with you for fun, hoping that I’d get better. I didn’t seriously think we’d become a real band. And besides, I knew you weren’t a Christian to start out, and Allie was all into her witchcraft stuff, and I guess as time passed and things changed, I figured that eventually—” she waved her hands and rolled her eyes—“you guys would just change too.”
I had to laugh. “But haven’t we?”
“Of course you’ve changed, but you still look just as ratty as ever. In fact, Allie looks worse.”
“Hey, thanks a lot.” Allie frowned.
“So what are we supposed to do now?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” She looked at us. “I guess I’m really the odd one out here.”
“Do you think Allie and I should change to look like you?”
She shook her head. “No, that’s probably not fair.”
“And I don’t think we should force you to look like us,” I said.
“Thanks.”
“So maybe we should change our name to Preppy and the Rats,” I suggested.
This made her laugh. “No, I like our name, and I actually think Allie’s cover looks pretty cool. But I do think it’s weird when we perform and look like we belong in two different groups.”
“It doesn’t bother me.”
“Me neither,” added Allie.
“Okay, then it bothers me. I guess I’m the image-conscious one of the group.”
I shrugged. “I don’t think it matters that much, Laura. I’ve seen groups where everyone looks different. It’s just who they are.”
“But maybe I don’t want to be different!” And then for the first time ever, we saw Laura cry.
We both sat on the couch and put our arms around her. “We’re all different, Laura,” I said. “That’s what makes us work so good together. It’s how God made us.”
“I know.” She sniffed. “But it’s not fair; I’m different already. I’m black, if you haven’t noticed, and you guys are pretty white. I guess I just don’t want to be totally different, you know?”
“So what are you saying?” asked Allie.
“Well, maybe I should try to look a little more like you guys—just for when we perform. I’m not going to go to school looking all, you know—”
“Ratty,” I filled in for her.
“Yeah, whatever.”
“So how can we help?” I asked. “You want us to loan you some ratty clothes?”
Allie giggled. “That ratty word just kills me.”
“And I’m not piercing anything,” Laura warned us.
“No one wants you to.” Allie put her hand on Laura’s straightened hair. “But can we mess up your hair a little?”
Laura smiled. “Just as long as you don’t use scissors.”
“All right then,” said Allie. “I think we can make you look almost as ratty as us.”
So we went up to my closet and found some clothes that Laura was willing to wear for our next gig. “Can I be in charge of Laura’s new look?” asked Allie, her eyes bright with excitement.
“Sure, I don’t care. Just don’t pressure her into something she doesn’t like.” I patted Laura on the back. “I really want to respect your individuality here. I guess it kind of bugs me that you feel the need to change your image. You sure about this?”
She nodded. “It’s been bugging me for a long time. But I kept thinking you guys would change.” Then she grinned. “To tell you the truth, it seems as if you’re the ones who look the most like musicians anyway. And I suppose underneath my little preppy exterior I was plain jealous.”
“Hey, as long as you’re happy,” I said. “I’m cool.”
So, I guess it’s settled. Although I still feel a little uneasy. And if Laura changes her mind and wants to stick with her preppy look, I’ll be happy. I don’t like the idea of someone changing her look just to fit in with someone else.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
be yourself
not someone else
cuz what you see
is what you get
and what you see
is what God made
so love yourself
cuz God loves you
then you’ll love others
cuz you love yourself
and you’ll love God
cuz you’re like Him
so be yourself
and be like God
cuz what you see
is what you get
cm
Eighteen
Monday, March 3
Today is my birthday, but I really didn’t have any big expectations. I never even told anyone that it was my birthday—not that I can remember anyway. But just as I was coming out of choir, I felt someone grab me from behind. I’m sure my heart stopped for a moment because I felt certain it was Tiffany and her thugs getting ready to beat me up again. I actually wondered if I’d be able to turn the other cheek this time, but I honestly felt fairly certain I would not (and this still troubles me some …).
Fortunately it was Laura, and I began to breathe again. “Now, don’t be afraid, Miss Miller,” she said in a voice that I’m sure she thought I wouldn’t recognize. “Just cooperate with us and no one will get hurt.” Then I heard giggles. First they held my hands behind my back and then actually tied them together, gently, then they put a blindfold over my eyes. I later learned that there was a pair of construction paper “sunglasses” taped to this contraption that said “Boy Watcher” on them. How embarrassing! Then I was loaded into a car, which I would later discover to be Laura’s Neon, and driven to an undisclosed location. I could tell that Allie was one of the group, as well as LaDonna and Mercedes and a couple others. Laura’s little car was packed full!
After they parked, they walked me (still blindfolded) it felt like in circles and up and down steps—all amid a lot of giggling—until finally they seated me and removed the blindfold. We were in Daffys, a restaurant that speci
alizes in lots of noise and birthdays. And Cesar and Jake and Spencer were there too, along with a few others. I think there were about fifteen of us altogether. And what a strange mix we were too. But that just made it all the more memorable and totally cool.
All in all it was a great day. Dad even picked me up after school and took me over to the department of motor vehicles and waited for me to take my driving test (I’d been bugging him for weeks). And amazingly, despite forgetting to adjust my rearview mirror, I passed! Then Dad actually let me drive his BMW all by myself after we got home. I went over and picked up Allie and Laura and we went out for ice cream. Totally cool. And now I am sixteen.
HOW’D I GET HERE?
a year ago all felt lost and hopeless
and a loser times three
i traveled a crooked road
taking one wrong turn after the next
getting more and more lost
and discouraged
then in a moment
in the twinkling of an eye
i became found
and the road i travel
makes sense to me now
most of the time anyway
and when it doesn’t
i have a hand to hold onto
and Someone who can lead me
yeah, i’m still not totally sure
just exactly how i got here
but, hey, i’m sure glad i came!
thanks, God!
amen
cm
Sunday, March 9
Thanks to Josh (I owe him big-time) we are not, I repeat not, going off to cruise the Caribbean during spring break. And so our gig at the Samaritan coffeehouse is still on. The reason for this disruption of parental plans is that Josh has decided to go down to Mexico during spring break, to give the orphanage some much needed funding that he and his buddies raised plus a hand with a building project.
Actually, I think it might be some sort of therapy for him as well—to help him mend his broken heart, which I’m pretty sure is quite broken. Anyway, I think Josh promised the parents to do the cruise next year. But fortunately that’s a long ways off. And since I was feeling very grateful to my big brother, as well as concerned for my “big sister” Caitlin, I decided to hop on a bus and visit her at school. I hoped that maybe I could cheer her up a little.
My Name Is Chloe Page 17