“And?”
“And I wish I could be normal for you!” The tears followed, and she hiccupped. He stared down at her, confused. His hand moved up and he caressed her cheek with his thumb, even as she turned her face to the side and closed her eyes.
“Thalia, pet, what do you mean? Do you mean you want to be a full-time sub?” His voice shook a little as he asked, his breath freezing in his lungs.
And then she shook her head. She shook her head violently, and he grabbed her face in disbelief.
“You don’t? You don’t want to be full time?” She shook her head again, her eyes clenched tight as the tears kept coming. He almost shouted in joy, but with her crying he thought that wouldn’t go over well.
So he kissed her.
She was stiff for a second and then she melted against him, her lips parting and letting his tongue brush against hers. She moaned against him and her hands were in his hair, holding him to her. His hands dropped to her hips and he moved onto the couch, lifting her so that she straddled him in his lap. He pushed her against the back of the sofa, and she rolled her hips against his erection and he groaned into her mouth.
They finally took a breath, and Thalia murmured against his mouth, “Was that the right answer, Master?” The hint of humor in her voice was a balm to the fear that had crept inside him the first time he’d had the thought that she may not be able to come back from what Marcus had trained her to be.
“Pet, that was the answer I’ve wanted since I first met you.” She smiled up at him, but he could still see the nerves. She was still panicked. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head a little, and tried to kiss him again. He pulled back.
“What’s wrong, baby?” He sat up and she stayed leaning back against the cushions.
“I know you want me to be normal, I know you do. And -” dammit, she was crying again. “And I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying, but I keep failing you.”
He ran his thumb over her lips and smiled reassuringly at her, “You haven’t failed me, darling. You’ve been doing so much. Your yoga classes, your -”
She sobbed and pushed at his shoulders. “No, no, stop!”
She’d never pushed him away. Never refused him. It made him queasy to have her panic at his touch. He slid her off his lap and stood up to give her space, confusion at what he’d done warring inside him. Had he hurt her? Had he said something?
Thalia felt like her ribs were going to cave in. She couldn’t breathe, and James was just standing in front of her, a slight crease between his eyebrows revealing his confusion at her words, at the fact that she’d pushed him away. Gorgeous, shirtless, with his hard-on apparent underneath those black pants that hung off his hips. She wanted him against her again.
But she didn’t deserve him.
She didn’t deserve his patience. Four months of him waiting for her to be something she didn’t think she could ever be again. Something was wrong with her. She felt the sob rising in her chest and she pulled her knees up and hugged them.
“Baby?” His voice was perfect. Caring and warm. She tried to memorize it… because it was probably the last time she’d hear it like that.
He was going to be so upset with her.
“Please don’t be nice to me.” She mumbled it against her knee, and he looked even more confused.
“What? Thalia, what happened? I’m happy you don’t want to be full time. That’s all I want, too!”
She shook her head violently. He was too good for her, she didn’t deserve him. The confession leapt out of her mouth like it was desperate to be known, “I haven’t gone to yoga.”
“You said-” he started to talk again but she sobbed and he stopped.
“I know, I said I would. I just -”
“What about your classes, you said you were going to take classes online.” His voice was losing its warmth.
She pushed herself off the couch, forgetting for a moment she was in heels and barely catching her balance as she moved past him to a closet. From inside she pulled out the unopened box for the laptop he’d bought her. She couldn’t even lift her eyes as she slid it out of the closet.
“You promised me.” His voice was back to the steady calm of his Dominant half, but she knew she’d disappointed him.
“I’m sorry, I -”
“You promised, Thalia!” He raised his voice and she watched him start pacing back and forth across the room. The urge to drop to her knees and beg was overwhelming. “What about going to the cafe, you said you’d been going to the cafe down the street?”
“Master... I’ve tried -” she was crying hard again, as the recognition of just how badly she’d failed him moved across his face.
“What the fuck have you been doing all day when I’m not here?!” He shouted as his hands thrust into his hair and he turned away from her. She’d broken his trust. She’d ruined everything. “All those times I asked you how your day had been and you said good? What were you referring to? Cleaning my flat? Is that why it’s been so impeccably neat?!”
“Please...” she dropped to her knees as the guilt flooded her.
“You lied to me!” He snapped at her and she sobbed, trying to explain.
“Master, I know I promised, bu- but I never said I’d actually done it!” She’d been careful. Avoiding the conversations so she didn’t have to admit it to him or directly lie, “I know I’ve failed you.” Her head bowed, knowing this might be the last straw.
She had failed him miserably. Over and over.
She’d failed when she hadn’t enrolled in school, all because the more she read about the required online participation in the pamphlet the more that tightening in her chest clamped down. Just like she had failed to do more than walk by the yoga studio she wanted to join. Just like her only trek to the cafe had been to stand in line and order a latte while she tried her best not to hyperventilate.
Thalia remembered that for a while after the auction she had wondered why she didn’t just leave him. He never tied her up when he left, never locked her in. Hell, she had a credit card that she was pretty sure didn’t have a limit, a key to every door in his flat, and a key to one of his cars that he never drove anyway. He had never told her she was trapped, he had never told her to stay.
He had asked her, and she had said yes.
Now... she no longer questioned why she stayed. Now, she actually couldn’t stand the idea of leaving. She was lucky James was so good, that of all people to be purchased by, to be cared for by, to develop some form of agoraphobia with – at least it had been someone as wonderful as James.
She was also lucky it had taken four months for him to finally lose his patience with her.
She was even more lucky he hadn’t kicked her out.
Yet.
That was probably next.
“Thalia. If you couldn’t do these things, why the bloody hell didn’t you tell me?” He was staring at her, a fierce look in his eyes as she looked up at him.
“I didn’t want you to know. I kept thinking I could do it, one day I’d just -” a scream of frustration tore out of her as she imagined every day that she’d stood in the hallway outside his flat, halfway to the elevator before panic set in. “I thought one day it would just happen, that it would just work. And I wouldn’t be sick at the idea of going out.”
“So it’s not just with me?”
“No!” She wiped the tears off her cheeks, “You make it so much better! You make everything so much better. It’s just all so hard, and the panic is- it’s worse when you’re not there!” How could she explain something she didn’t even understand?
“I believe you, Thalia, but...” he took a breath, “But I want someone I can take out to dinner, and talk with, and laugh with, and introduce to my co-workers and my vanilla friends.” He was speaking in a level tone, but his words had the impact of a death knell. She felt tears rolling down her cheeks as he stared at her. She shook her head, silently asking him not to say more, but he kept speaking, “And
right now, that’s not you.”
She sobbed, because his words were exactly what she’d been terrified of hearing. She looked up and she could see the pain on his face as he said them. This wasn’t easy for either of them, but she wasn’t giving up. She wouldn’t give up, not until he dragged her out of his flat. She choked on the words as she tried to get them out fast enough to try and explain herself, “Pl- please,” she hiccupped in between loud sobs, “I’ll be better, I’ll... I... I just will, I will, it’s just HARD! But I’m sorry, I am sorry!”
“Thalia...” His voice made her ache.
“No, no. I need...” She took a breath and for the first time actually said what she needed, “Pl- please punish me for breaking my promises. Pu- punish me so you can fo- forgive me, but please don’t give up on me!” A keening whine came out of her throat and then he was in front of her. He knelt down and grabbed her shoulders.
“I should have seen this before now, I shouldn’t have missed it. But I’m aware of it now, and I’ll figure something out.” He was pulling away from her. She could see the walls coming up inside him, distance coming between them, and she grabbed his hand. She’d never dared to touch him first, and it caught him by surprise as well.
“Please punish me for this.” She begged, she needed the absolution.
“I’m not punishing you for being traumatized, Thalia.” He tried to pull his hand out of her grip, and she only gripped him harder. She’d never argued with him when it came to their roles either.
Now is a great time to grow some balls, Thalia. Now that you may have ruined everything. Now that he’s already said you’re not what he wants, NOW you find a voice?
“I’m not asking you to punish me for being fucked in the head, I’m asking you to punish me because I kept it from you.” She tried to keep her voice calm, but she was desperate. And she’d cursed, he hated when she cursed. He tried to pull away again, and she realized what to say, right before she yelled it, “I’M ASKING YOU TO PUNISH ME BECAUSE I PUT MYSELF AT RISK BY KEEPING IT FROM YOU!”
His green eyes flared as he looked back at her, and she didn’t break eye contact even though her submissive side quailed as pure-Dominant James leaned over her. He hissed out a single command between his teeth, “Explain.”
“I hid the anxiety, the panic. I knew I needed help, I knew something was wrong, and I didn’t tell you. Because I wanted you to think I was strong. That Marcus -” James actually growled when she said his name, “- hadn’t damaged me beyond repair. But maybe he has, and if he has I’ll accept that, but this can’t end like this. I need to at least earn your forgiveness.”
“Thalia.” His voice was edged with warning, and she let go of his hand and clasped hers together in earnest begging.
“Please punish me, so you can forgive me.” She tilted her eyes up to him and found his green eyes dark with arousal as they searched her face. Thalia thought of how earnestly she wanted this, how all the guilt in the last few weeks, all the half-truths, the lying-by-omission had torn at her.
“You don’t know what you’re asking for, Thalia.” His voice was low and direct again, a Dominant fully in control. He was probably trying to scare her, but she trusted him, and they both needed this.
“I’m begging you, Master, please punish me for putting myself at risk and for breaking my promises to you.” Her voice was calmer with her resolve. Even her anxiety and panic moved to the edges of her mind. It was her submission, and her focus on not losing James, that filled her thoughts.
His hand was suddenly tight in her hair, bending her head back until she had to look at him. “Let’s get one thing straight first. You are strong. This has nothing to do with the bravery or the strength it took you to survive what you went through. This punishment is for keeping things from me that affected my ability to keep you safe. Do you understand?”
She nodded, a crushing wave of relief moving over her, followed quickly by the heat of arousal as his fist tightened in her hair again.
“Say it, Thalia.” James’ voice made her stomach flutter.
“I understand, Master.”
“What’s your safe word?” He leaned even closer to her, and she felt her mouth go dry.
“Chair.” She whispered.
“You will use it if you need to, you will not put yourself at risk again – if you need it, you will use it. And you may need it.” That should have made her nervous, but it just made heat coil in her belly, her pussy growing wet at the promise of what was next. “If you use it, we will pause the punishment but it will not erase it. Understand?”
“Yes, Master. I will use my safe word if I have to, but it will not cancel my punishment. Thank you, Master, for this.” She was breathless when he released her.
“Strip. Then meet me in the playroom.” James didn’t look back at her, he moved into the hallway past her and her heart pounded in her ears. As she took her clothes off, folding them neatly and leaving them on the arm of the sofa, she was already relieved. He knew now. He knew what was going on with her, and maybe he could fix it. Maybe he could help her get past this so she could be what he needed, and what she wanted to be.
When she stepped in to the playroom she dropped to a kneel just inside the door and James shut it firmly without speaking to her. His fingers slid under the platinum collar and he unlatched it, taking it off, but he quickly replaced it with a wide, soft lined collar with rings on the outside. Looping a finger through the center ring he pulled her up and over to one of the walls. A nylon strap hung from a sturdy looking bracket embedded in the wall high above her head. James linked a carabiner from the end of the nylon strap to the center ring on the collar and stepped back.
He returned a moment later with wide leather cuffs. One went around each wrist and then the cuffs latched to rings on either side of her collar. It left her with her hands alongside her neck, in a submissive posture she’d held for him before without the aid of the cuffs. James stepped to her side so he could see her face, she took a deep breath and met his eyes so he could see she wasn’t afraid – and she wasn’t. She trusted James. She was determined to take this punishment and be forgiven. He must have seen whatever he needed because he nodded and tugged a part of the nylon strap and it shortened, yanking her closer to the wall. He repeated it, making small adjustments until she found herself close to the wall and up on the balls of her feet. From behind she could imagine she looked very vulnerable. Just an expanse of pale skin that he’d said before he loved so much.
His palm suddenly cracked against her ass, hard enough to make her jump, but he didn’t give her a break. She stifled the moans as he spanked her, spreading out the strikes evenly across the skin of her ass and the backs of her thighs – but she knew this was just a warm up. James was always careful, he’d told her before he would prepare her body before he used stronger implements. When he stopped she swallowed, the heat suffusing her skin, her pussy already soaked from the spanking, and her mind raced at what he was getting from the cabinet behind her.
“You will count, no need to say Master. Just don’t lose count.” His voice was intense, and she nodded.
“Yes, Master.” She heard a swish behind her, and knew he had moved a cane through the air not only to get a feel for it, but also to warn her. Her fists clenched, but she made herself relax. He never talked much during a punishment, but he still cared enough to give her the heads up as to what kind of pain she’d receive. The cane hurt, a lot, but it didn’t matter. It was because he cared that she knew she’d be safe, that she believed she could handle anything he gave her – and that he’d stop if she discovered she couldn’t.
“Why are you being punished, Thalia?” His voice was measured and controlled, but there was still a hint of warmth in it.
“I kept my panic and anxiety from you, which meant you didn’t know what you needed to know in order to keep me safe, Master.”
“Correct.”
Thalia heard the swish a moment before she felt the cane wrap across the flesh of her ass
, leaving a line of fire in its wake. She groaned and breathed through it; after all they were just getting started, “One.”
“Two.” The second welt was just below, the first. “Three.” The third came just above the first. “Four. Five!” They came almost on top of each other, moving down the swell of her ass. The fifth had her clenching her fists and fighting the urge to twist away. She deserved this, she’d earned this punishment by keeping things from him.
The cane strikes kept coming in even measures. She bit down against the urge to scream until he got to nine and the strike came on that sensitive place where her thighs met her ass. “Nine! God, Master, I’m sorry!” Heat was insanely coiling around the base of her spine, her pussy throbbing as each burning welt thrummed with the pulse at her clit. She wanted to beg for him to stop, and at the same time wanted him to keep going until she couldn’t handle it.
Striking a Balance (Thalia Book 2) (The Thalia Series) Page 9