Striking a Balance (Thalia Book 2) (The Thalia Series)

by Jennifer Bene

  “But ye still watched?” Kalen’s cheeks were ruddy, and James knew his friend well enough to recognize the anger simmering there.

  “Rarely. After Shannon I tried to go vanilla and it - it wasn’t enough. I was always fighting who I am, and that was exhausting. So, as horrible as it is, yes, I brought the feed up a few times even after I knew.” James felt sick saying it out loud. It was worse than when he’d said the words to Thalia. She had been so accepting, not shocked in the least. After all, she had already known he had watched her.

  He hated himself for it, or he at least hated the weak part of him that had caved to temptation. Where was his stellar self-control when it really mattered?

  Kalen was silent longer than he had expected. His friend’s dark eyes bored into him across the table, but he didn’t look away. He wasn’t hiding from his mistakes. As much as this trip was for Thalia, Kalen was clearly not ignoring the correction that needed to occur with James either. “If I hadn’t already hit ye, James, I’d hit ye again. I just -” he sighed, and took a deep breath, “I still love ye like a brother, but I am angry with ye. For watching after ye knew, and for buying her, and then not bringing her for help immediately, and for bringing the lass here without telling me! Dammit! Ye feking great dipstick!” Kalen slapped the table in front of him and leaned back.

  “I know -”

  “I don’t think ye do, but...” Kalen looked over at Ailsa who had her expression schooled into a flat, unreadable one, “For now let’s just say that how we are at the end of this is going to largely depend on how Thalia ends up. Right?”

  James swallowed and finally turned his eyes to the wood grain of the table. He’d known bringing Thalia to Purgatory would make him face consequences, and he deserved them, but it didn’t mean his stomach wasn’t trying to upend itself at the idea of losing Kalen’s friendship.

  It’s not like you wouldn’t deserve it.

  And that was true. He hadn’t experienced anything but the benefits of his bad choices. He’d never been exposed, he got Thalia from Marcus, and he’d had Thalia with him for four months.

  His happiness after his mistake was a huge portion of his guilt.

  James realized suddenly that he had reached out to Kalen to cleanse himself as well as help Thalia. Admitting his failure to the person closest to him on the planet meant he had to face it, and the consequences, himself. And he was prepared for it.

  “I understand, Kalen. Whatever you decide, I won’t fight you on it.”

  “I just want ye to know, that Kalen doesn’t speak for both of us.” Ailsa leaned across the table until James looked her in the eyes. “Based on what he’s told me this girl has needed help for months, and ye are going to fill me in on everything, right now, and then I’m going to try and help her, and THEN I’ll decide how I feel about ye, ye bloody dumpling!”

  James tried to hide his smile at Ailsa being riled up at him, and listening to her use an insult with him that she’d used on Kalen countless times let him know she hadn’t given up on him completely. “Alright, I can accept that. I brought the file on her, let me get it out of the boot and we can talk.” He stood up and both Kalen and Ailsa leaned back. She was two years younger than Kalen but their mannerisms were so similar. It made James miss his little sister too, but she was busy with her own life and had no place near this mess.

  When James returned from grabbing a few bags from the car, he dropped them at the edge of the room and dug out the file Anthony had provided him that detailed Thalia’s history. Medical, personal, everything. When he sat down he gripped it tightly, trailing his fingers over it. He felt like he was exposing her, revealing her history to strangers, and it felt wrong after everything she’d already been through. But he also knew it was necessary, so James made his hands slide the file across the table to Ailsa. Thalia had been so alone, for so long, and he never wanted her to feel that way again. They could help her.

  Sven knocked at the doorframe as Ailsa was flipping through the folder, occasionally pointing out things to Kalen and speaking to him softly. James had been checking email on his phone when the young man entered. “Tea?”

  “Yeh, bring it over, Sven. Thanks.” Kalen murmured as the young Dom from one of the largest BDSM clubs in Amsterdam poured tea for each of them. Eryk, the owner of the Vermaak Club, was close friends with Kalen and often referred both subs and Doms to him. Lars and Sven were just the two most recent. Once Sven had left, Ailsa slid the folder in front of Kalen so he could continue looking through it.

  “Right. Tell me what happened, and be honest with me. I haven’t got the chance to slap ye yet, so if ye sugarcoat this, I happily will.” Ailsa leaned back in the chair and waited.

  James sighed, steeling himself to provide as brief a summary as possible of Thalia’s suffering.

  “Marcus, of the Williams Brothers, kidnapped Thalia a little over four months ago. He -” James gritted his teeth and felt his muscles lock up as he forced the next words out, “he raped her, and - and he quite literally whipped and beat her into submission under the twisted guise of training her. It was brutal. Then -”

  Ailsa interrupted him, “I said don’t sugarcoat it, James. How am I supposed to know what to ask her about if I don’t know details. What did he do to her?”

  James swallowed, the images from the feed filling his head and turning his stomach with guilt again. “You have to understand, Thalia is... responsive. To pain and pleasure, and he used that to get her to submit to him. He tied her up and whipped her with a belt, raped her many times, he edged her until she begged for him, and then he made her call him Master to get relief. He made her ask for him, over and over – and she did.” James felt sick, because the lines in his own head blurred between their own times together and what he remembered on the feed.

  “How violent did the punishments get? Did she have any kind of safe word in this?” Ailsa sounded clinical, which helped. She wasn’t gasping in shock, or glaring him down. If she had to know this shit, he’d tell her no matter how much it tore him apart to think about it.

  “No, he hurt her whenever she tried to refuse him. He never gave her a safe word, she didn’t even know what that was until I told her. It got pretty bad. She tried to escape out of a glass door once, she smashed it, cut her feet up trying to get out. He caught her, beat her for it, and let his brother Anthony play with electrocuting her until she passed out from the pain.” James’ voice was flat.

  “Anything else?” Ailsa asked.

  “Not that I know of.” Wasn’t that enough?

  “So, this was all nonconsensual.” Ailsa had pulled out a notepad and was scribbling furiously across it.

  “Yes.”

  “And what about with ye?” Ailsa paused her pen and looked up at him.

  “It has always been consensual.” James felt his temper spike and he made himself speak evenly through gritted teeth. Losing it on Ailsa would make Kalen’s hits the night before feel like feather pillows compared to what he’d do to him if James yelled at his little sister. Especially when she was trying to help. Ailsa tilted her head and watched his response as he schooled his breathing into even measures.

  “If I may, I do believe that it was consensual, Ailsa. Thalia was pretty vocal about that point last night.” Kalen spoke up, glancing between the two of them before looking back at the file and leaving Ailsa to continue her interrogation.

  “Ye did say that Thalia was protective of him.” She made more notes and James immediately realized why so many people hated going to therapists. What the bloody hell was she writing?

  “What else do you want to know, Ailsa?” He was making himself stay calm despite the hint of doubt in her voice about Thalia’s consent.

  “Why did ye decide to bring her here?” Ailsa’s dark eyes lifted up from the pad.

  Finally, questions he wanted to answer. “Thalia can’t be herself, she just can’t act normally. We’ve developed a more relaxed style at home, although she’s still incredibly submissive, but out in
public? I’m lucky if I can get her to talk. She told me she wanted to start building a life for herself, that she wants to be normal. We had agreed to some things she should do to work towards that, but –” James groaned remembering their argument, the pain in his chest when he realized she hadn’t done any of it. The guilt he’d felt that he’d ignored her distress so blatantly.

  “But?” Ailsa prompted.

  “But she finally confessed that something is wrong. She’s not able to be who she wants to be.”

  “I’ll have to wait until I talk to Thalia to identify what she wants to be. So in the mean time, tell me, what do ye want, James? At the end of all this.” Ailsa was writing again, but her eyes were on him.

  “I want a girlfriend. I want Thalia to choose to submit to me sometimes, because we both enjoy it – not because she’s terrified of punishment thanks to Marcus. I don’t want her to be scared of failing me, as if I’d actually hurt her beyond our play. She knows she has a safe word with me, I ask her every time -”

  “Has she ever used the safe word?” Ailsa interrupted.

  “No, she hasn’t, but I’ve never seen her lose it in a session either. No hyperventilating or anything like that.” James spoke but his mind was stuck on the fact that Thalia had never tested her safe word. Had he ever pushed her too far?

  “Do you think she’d use it, James? Or do you think she’s afraid to?” Ailsa had paused her pen again.

  “I don’t know, Ailsa. And... honestly? Part of me still worries that she still just views me as the best alternative to Marcus.” James said it and felt the twist of the knife inside him as he finally voiced that fear.

  “That might be true. But ye trying to have a normal BDSM relationship with this girl who has no other experience except one filled with terror and violence?” Ailsa scoffed, dropping her professional persona as she slammed her pen down. “Ye ballsed this up. Three or four months of relentless fuck ups from ye, James. Let’s hope she’s willing to work to fix herself and work through this shite. If not, I don’t know what I could do for ye.”

  “If we can’t fix this, I don’t know if I want you to try and do anything for me.” James muttered, staring at the table between his hands.

  “That a boy, James. Yer not hopeless yet.” Kalen was half smiling when he looked up at him. “A few more things before we go back.”

  Kalen’s smile dropped, he had shut the file and he was staring seriously across the table.

  “Alright.” James waited.

  “This is my place, right?”

  “Of course.” James was a little confused as to why Kalen would clarify that. He had never challenged him about Purgatory.

  “Then ye understand by coming here, by bringing Thalia, ye are choosing to follow my rules. Whatever I decide they are.” Kalen slid the file back to Ailsa who started to pack up while she listened to her brother.

  “I haven’t argued any of this, Kalen. Wha-”

  “I’m not done, James.” Kalen’s short response grated his nerves, but he made himself listen. “A few things. While ye two are here, neither of ye come without my permission. Ever. That rule doesn’t just apply to Thalia, that means no fucking yer pretty little sub, and no handling the business yerself, understand?” Kalen had one hand splayed flat on the table as he spoke, and James felt the urge rise in him to challenge Kalen, to tell him off for setting down rules for him - but James yanked his own leash internally. He’d come here for Thalia, and he’d do whatever it took. He swallowed his pride for her sake alone.

  “Fine.” James spoke it through gritted teeth and Kalen bared his teeth in something resembling a smile.

  Dealing with other Doms was always a bitch.

  “In addition to a very generous donation to Purgatory that I think ye’ll be making before the end of the day, Thalia is mine to make decisions with until she leaves here. I’ll keep ye informed, but ye are not in charge of her time here. Understand?” Kalen was deadly serious, and James pushed back from the table but didn’t stand.

  Thalia was his, and no one else’s. James could share with Kalen, fuck knows they’d done it often enough before. But to not have the same standing as the other Doms? To not make decisions? The heat of anger rose up inside him and he felt his cheeks flush. He was about to tell Kalen to shove off.

  “Think carefully before ye respond.” Ailsa’s cool, clinical voice dispersed the rising tide of rage and it fizzled out like foam on the shore. James felt his shoulders relax a bit as he forced a breath. Kalen wasn’t some psychopath. If he was asking to be in control of Thalia’s training it was because he thought it best. He had come here purely for Kalen’s expertise. James just had to remember that, without ripping his friend’s head off.

  “Yes. I understand. I would have made a donation anyway, and -” James growled a bit, “- and I fucking trust you, Kalen. I trust you a lot to even let you near her, so yes, I’ll let you run her training, but I won’t pull punches if you hurt her or if you fuck up.” James leveled his gaze at Kalen who returned it steadily.

  “Glad to hear it, and I agree to it.” Kalen took a breath, in and out. “Last thing – at the end of this I’ll decide if ye get to leave with Thalia.”

  James slammed his hand down on the table, his anger spiraling back so quickly it shocked him. She was the only topic that had ever wound him up so fast. “That is her bloody choice, Kalen! Not yours, not Ailsa’s, and not mine. Hers.”

  “I’m glad to hear ye say that, but I’ll still do everything I can to keep her safe, even if that means from ye, James. Brother and friend or not. That sub won’t leave with ye until I say she’s ready.” Kalen’s eyes finally softened and James took a steadying breath as he tried to imagine not coming home to Thalia for a time, or maybe ever. Her smile, her light brown hair, those hazel eyes sparkling with excitement at seeing him. If he never heard that damn coffee pot again it would kill him.

  “Then I guess I better do everything I can to help her succeed.” James spoke quietly, and Kalen nodded.

  “Ye do that, and I will too.” He pushed up and Ailsa stood as well, sliding her bag onto her shoulder. James stood to join them feeling like a heavy weight had settled on his heart. “Let’s go see yer girl, alright?”

  Now that was something James absolutely wanted.

  Chapter Eight

  These girls were ridiculous.

  Thalia hadn’t been able to stop blushing, or laughing, since Julie and Chloe and Lauren had tricked her into admitting just how incredible James was with his mouth. Just the visual of his blond hair between her thighs, his wicked grin when he nipped her, or the way he’d dig his fingers into her hips to stop her wiggling – it had her soaking wet.

  “I knew he had to be fantastic! Makes me miss Antonio even more.” Julie sighed dramatically as she flopped back against the soft cushions. The way Julie talked about him it was clear she was hopelessly in love with him. “What I wouldn’t give to climb on his face for just a few minutes!” She kicked her feet in frustration as they all dissolved into giggles again at her brazen comment. Even Analiese was laughing quietly, it was just Marisol’s awkward, glaring silence that dampened their fun.

  “Well, Lauren is the best I’ve ever had.” Chloe purred as she ran her nose down Lauren’s neck, sending a visible shiver through the girl.

  “Chloe...” Lauren’s voice was breathy with need and the smile that lit up Chloe’s face was unmistakably mischievous. Chloe’s hand slid up beneath the hem of Lauren’s dress just before Lauren grabbed Chloe’s face and yanked her into a kiss that was worthy of a music crescendo, and a close up, and - holy hell - Thalia really needed a glass of water and some fresh air and a change of panties.

  “Chloe! Lauren! Master Kalen is going to -” Julie started but was cut off when the doors swung open as if his name had summoned him. Kalen stood in the doorway with his hands dropping to his hips and Chloe and Lauren snapped apart like they had suddenly demagnetized. Their eyes were wide as they settled on him, and everyone was waiting for hi
s reaction.

  “Thalia, stand up.” His voice rumbled through the room, and for a moment she was so surprised to hear her own name instead of the two girls’ - who were literally caught in the act - that she didn’t move. He tilted his head a bit and she realized she was just staring at him.

  “Oh! Sorry, Master Kalen!” Thalia jumped up as Kalen approached her in swift strides. She was overwhelmed by the pulse of arousal between her legs from the conversation with the girls and the sudden flush of memory from her dream as his powerful presence overwhelmed her. His dark eyes swept over her and then he slid his hand into her hair and gripped firmly, tilting her head back. Her mouth was suddenly dry as she looked up at him, his rough features blended together into a warrior’s beauty that made her want to curse herself for her dream.

  “Thalia.” His other hand slid under her skirt and she must have jumped straight up as she felt his fingers swipe the very damp panties against the core of her. “Ye’ve agreed to submit to me while ye are here, correct?”