Witch Is How Berries Tasted Good (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 26)

by Adele Abbott

  “I hear you’ve gone and got yourself married in the meantime.”

  “I have indeed. I’m now Jill Maxwell.”

  “Congratulations, Jill.” Priscilla beamed. “I couldn’t be happier for you.”

  “Is Jack going to come and work with you in the business?” the colonel said.

  “No. If we worked together, we’d probably end up killing one another. What made you ask that?”

  “Your new sign?”

  “Oh, that stupid thing. No, that’s a mistake. It should read Jill Maxwell. Hopefully, it will be replaced soon.”

  “We won’t take up much of your time. I just wanted to drop by to let you know that I’m standing for election to COG.”

  “What’s that?”

  “The Council Of Ghosts. I suppose you could call it a kind of city council for Ghost Town. The elections are in a couple of weeks.”

  “Good for you. I hope it has more clout than the Combined Sup Council. I was elected to that some time ago, but I resigned once I realised it was just a talking shop that actually achieved nothing.”

  “Here you are, Jill.” Priscilla handed me a rosette with a photo of the colonel on it.

  “I trust I can count on your vote,” he said.

  “I don’t actually think I qualify to vote.”

  He laughed. “Silly me. What was I thinking? But maybe you’ll lend me your support by wearing the rosette when you’re in GT?”

  “Of course. I’ll be happy to.”

  As soon as the colonel and Priscilla had left, Winky reappeared.

  “You shouldn’t allow those ghosts to drop in here like that.”

  “You’re not afraid of them, are you?”

  “Of course not.” He scoffed, somewhat unconvincingly. “They just make the room cold.”

  ***

  “I have a couple of visits to make, Mrs V. I probably won’t get back into the office today.”

  “Okay, dear. I’ll see you in the morning. By the way, what was in the parcel?”

  “Err—it was nothing. It must have been sent to me by mistake. I’m going to have it collected.”

  Just then, two men came into the outer office: One was carrying a camera, the other had one of those furry microphone things.

  What? How am I supposed to know the correct terminology? Sheesh!

  “Can I help you?” I said.

  “Alright, love. Is this the escape thingy?” The articulate young man with the microphone took a puff on his electronic cigarette.

  “No, it isn’t, and I’d rather you didn’t smoke that thing in here.”

  “Keep your wig on.” He took a piece of paper out of his pocket. “This is the address I’ve got. Are you sure this isn’t the right gaff?”

  There were times when I simply despaired.

  “You’re looking for Escape. Go back out of the door you just came in and along the corridor.”

  “Oh, right. Thanks. What is it you do, then?”

  “I’m a private investigator.”

  “That’s funny.” He laughed. “No, seriously, what is it you really do?”

  “I really am a private investigator.”

  “But you’re a woman?”

  “Well spotted. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, we’re rather busy.”

  “You can investigate me anytime, sweetheart,” he said, on his way out of the door.

  If Mrs V and the man’s sidekick hadn’t been there, I would have taken great pleasure in turning him into the rat he quite obviously was.

  ***

  The manager of Burger Bay had given me the address for Ron Gunn, the man who had supplied them with the new self-order machines. I didn’t ring in advance of my visit because I had a sneaking suspicion he’d be in no hurry to see me. Instead, I just turned up at his factory—a small industrial unit on the Washtide Estate.

  “Good afternoon.” The bubbly young witch on reception had a sparkly blue ribbon in her hair.

  “Hi. I’d like to see Ron Gunn, please.”

  “Do you have an appointment?”

  “No, but I’d like to see him anyway.”

  “He doesn’t usually see people without an appointment.”

  “Tell him that he’s entitled to a development grant, but I’ll need him to complete the paperwork today.”

  “A what?”

  “Development grant.”

  “Right.” She picked up the phone and pressed a single key. “Dad, there’s a woman here who says you’re entitled to a—” She looked to me for help.

  “Development grant.”

  “A development ant.”

  “Grant.”

  “Grant.” She giggled. “Not an ant. That would just be silly.” She put down the phone. “He says he can spare you five minutes.”

  “Thank you. I take it this is a family business?”

  “Yeah. Ron’s my dad. I’m Ann.”

  Ron’s office, which was on the shop-floor of the unit, smelled of coffee and grease.

  “Ann said something about a grant?” He glanced up from the small circuit board he was working on.

  “Yeah, actually, I lied about that.”

  That seemed to get his attention. “Who are you, then? What do you want?”

  “I’d like you to remove the self-order machines you installed in Cuppy C, and refund the money to the twins.”

  “Dream on.” He laughed. “They got exactly what they paid for.”

  “No, they didn’t. They paid for machines which should have been reconfigured to match their menu. All you did was change the pictures on the screen. You conned them.”

  “I think you’d better leave.”

  “If I do, I’ll go straight to Burger Bay, and tell them why their machines aren’t working.”

  “Like they’ll listen to you.” He scoffed.

  “I think they will. Especially when I’m able to produce ‘ghost’ orders at will.”

  “What do you know about ‘ghost’ orders?”

  “You haven’t worked it out yet, have you? The ‘ghost’ orders at Burger Bay are coming from the machines you offloaded to Cuppy C.”

  “Okay, I’ll reconfigure the Cuppy C machines.”

  “It’s too late for that. The twins don’t want them now. You have to take them out and refund all their money.”

  “I can’t afford to do that.”

  “I’m confident you’ll find a way. I’d wager that Burger Bay is one of your largest customers. They’ve probably ordered machines for all of their outlets. Am I right?” He didn’t answer, but then he didn’t need to because the look on his face confirmed my suspicions. “They probably paid you to dispose of the old machines, didn’t they? If they find out that you’ve been selling them on, they won’t be very pleased.”

  “Okay, okay. I’ll take the machines out of Cuppy C.”

  “And refund all of their money?”

  “Yes, yes, alright. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

  “Today or I go to Burger Bay.”

  “Okay, today.”

  After leaving Ron Gunn, I magicked myself over to Cuppy C.

  “I have good news for you, Pearl.”

  “I could do with some. Just look at this place.” Cuppy C was empty except for an elderly couple who were sitting by the window. “It’s been like this all day.”

  “Any idea why?”

  “Haven’t you heard about the flu?”

  “No.”

  “There’s been an outbreak of sup flu. It’s the first one for over twenty years. I was just a kid when the last one struck.”

  “Are Lily and Lil okay?”

  “Yeah, it doesn’t seem to affect kids, fortunately.”

  “What about Amber and Aunt Lucy?”

  “We’re all okay up to now, touch wood, but it’s extremely contagious, so it’s probably only a matter of time until we all go down with it. Luckily, it usually only lasts for a few days. Anyway, you said you had some good news for me?”

  “You’ll be pleased to hear that Ron Gun
n will be coming around later to remove these useless machines, and to give you a full refund.”

  “How did you manage that?” She looked well and truly gobsmacked.

  “I just appealed to his better nature.”

  “I know that’s not true, but however you managed it, thanks. That money will come in handy.”

  Just then, I spotted an unfamiliar face behind the counter in the cake shop.

  “Is she a new recruit?”

  “Yeah, Carol left last week to go and work in the human world. Gloria started on Monday.”

  “Is she settling in alright?”

  “It’s hard to tell because it’s been so quiet in here there’s been nothing to test her. Did you want a drink or something to eat?”

  “Err—no, I won’t bother. I thought I’d pop over to see Aunt Lucy.”

  “Okay. Thanks again for sorting out the machines.”

  ***

  Aunt Lucy spotted me coming up the driveway. When she met me at the door, she had a feather duster in her hand.

  “Where’s Lily?”

  “I’ve just put her down, so I thought I’d catch up on a bit of housework while she’s asleep.”

  “I’d better leave you to it, then.”

  “Don’t be silly. The dust will still be there later. Come on through to the kitchen and I’ll make us both a nice cup of tea.”

  “Pearl was just telling me about the sup flu.”

  “Quite a few of my friends are laid up with it. I’m keeping my fingers crossed we can avoid it.”

  “Where’s Barry?”

  “Dolly has taken him for the day. He’ll be exhausted when he gets back—he always is. To be honest, I wish she’d take the tortoise too.”

  “Rhymes? He can’t be causing you any problems, surely?”

  “Not really.” She smiled. “It’s just that poetry of his. He’s relentless, and they’re all terrible.”

  “I hope you haven’t said that to him?”

  “Of course not. That’s the problem. I made the mistake of praising his first poem, and since then, he’s written one for me every day.” She pointed to a pile of paper. “Look at all those.”

  “Oh dear.”

  “Just listen to this one:

  Jill calls her Aunt, but I call her Lucy,

  Her eyes are beautiful, just like the blue sea,

  She bakes cakes galore, the oven’s always hot,

  And when Jill comes around, she eats the lot.”

  “I see what you mean. That is pretty awful.”

  “Accurate, though.” She grinned.

  Cheek!

  After we’d finished our tea and biscuits (and before you ask, I only had a couple), I was about to leave, but Aunt Lucy said there was something she wanted to show me in the garden.

  “Come and look what we found in the far corner. It was Lester who noticed them first.” She pointed to a bush, which had berries identical to those that Mr Ivers had given to me.

  “Candleberries.”

  “You’ve seen them before, then?”

  “Yeah, one of our neighbours gave me some this morning.”

  “How on earth did he get hold of them?”

  “From the corner shop, apparently.”

  “I hope he didn’t eat any.”

  “It’s okay. They’re very nice. I had a handful this morning.”

  “They’re okay for you, but not for humans. If a human eats these berries, they’ll get food poisoning, and it can be quite nasty.”

  “Oh no! Oh, no, no, no!”

  “What’s wrong, Jill?”

  “I put a bowlful of them in the fridge. If Jack—”

  “You’d better get back there now.”

  I didn’t need telling twice. There was no time to stop off in Washbridge to pick up my car. Instead, I magicked myself straight back to the house. When I landed in the hall, I could hear sounds coming from the kitchen.

  Oh no!

  “These look nice.” Jack had the bowl in his hand. “What kind of berry are they?”

  He was just about to pick one up when I hurled myself across the kitchen and knocked the bowl from his hand. It smashed into a dozen pieces and spilled the berries all over the kitchen floor.

  “What was that all about?” Jack looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “If you wanted them all for yourself, you only had to say.”

  “They’re poisonous.” Without thinking, I picked one up and ate it.

  “It looks like it.”

  “No, honestly, they are. These are Candleberries from Candlefield. They’re okay for sups but poisonous to humans. That’s why all of our neighbours have been ill.”

  “Where did they come from?”

  “Mr Ivers told me he got them from the corner shop. I’m going to go down there now to make sure they don’t sell any more.”

  ***

  Lucy Locket was behind the counter.

  “Hi, Lucy. Is Jack in?”

  “He’s here somewhere.”

  “Any chance of getting him for me? I could do with a quick word.”

  “Sure.” She took a walkie-talkie out of her pocket. “Corner One to Corner Two. Come in.”

  “Corner Two receiving, over.”

  “Jill would like to speak with you.”

  “On my way. Corner Two out.”

  Moments later, Little Jack Corner appeared. He seemed so much smaller when he wasn’t standing on his box.

  “What can I do for you, Jill?”

  “My next-door neighbour tells me that he bought some Candleberries from you.”

  “He did, but I’m afraid you’re out of luck. I only bought a small batch, and your neighbour took them all.”

  “Thank goodness for that. They’re poisonous.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive. A number of people on my street have had bad bouts of food poisoning.”

  “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

  “It’s not your fault, Jack—you weren’t to know. Can you tell me who you got them from?”

  “I’m afraid I don’t know anything about him. It was a cash transaction and he didn’t leave any contact details.”

  “That’s a shame. Would you let me know if he comes around again?”

  “Of course.”

  ***

  While Jack made dinner, I magicked myself back to Washbridge to pick up the car. By the time I’d driven home, dinner was served. Very delicious it was too.

  After we’d finished, I put the remaining berries in a bowl, and covered them in cream.

  “You’re surely not going to eat those?” Jack said.

  “Why not? You know the five-second rule.”

  “I don’t mean that. Do you think it’s fair to eat them in front of me when I can’t have any?”

  “You’re right. It was very thoughtless of me. Why don’t you go through to the lounge? That way, you won’t see me eating them.”

  “You’re unbelievable. You can do the washing up, then.”

  After I’d finished eating the delicious berries, and loaded the dishwasher, I went to join Jack in the lounge where he was glued to the TV.

  “What’s that you’re watching?”

  “A documentary. It’s quite interesting, actually. That guy, Mark Sobers, is only thirty-five, but he’s already made several million from a network of care homes.”

  “Riveting.” I yawned. “Can I change stations for a minute?”

  “Hold on.” He was too late. I’d already flipped channels. “Isn’t that your grandmother?”

  “Yeah, it’s her infomercial for the anti-ageing cream she’s peddling now.”

  “That old girl on the left looks familiar. Where do I know her from?”

  “No idea. I’ve never seen her before in my life.” I quickly switched the channel back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your viewing.”

  Chapter 7

  The next morning, Jack was back in front of the television—this time to catch up on TenPin TV.

 
“Don’t you ever get bored with bowling?” I managed in-between yawns.

  “That’s like saying: do you get bored of life. Hey, you never told me about the escape room that’s opening next door to your offices.”

  “Nothing much to tell. How do you know about it, anyway?”

  “There was an item on the local news earlier. It looks great—we should definitely check it out sometime.”

  “I don’t really see the point in escape rooms.”

  “There doesn’t have to be a point to everything. They’re just fun.”

  “If you say so. The owners are sups, and I’m a bit concerned they’re going to use magic to power their enterprise. If they do, and it gets out, the publicity could affect me.”

  “Why would it affect you?”

  “If the press gets wind of some kind of supernatural story, they’ll come buzzing around the building, asking questions.”

  “I’m sure you can handle the press. Anyway, I’d still like to give it a try some time. We could ask Kathy and Peter if they’re up for it.”

  “That reminds me, what time are we supposed to be meeting them on Saturday?”

  “Ten o’clock. I said we’d take my car.”

  “Did you now? So, you don’t mind using your car to ferry my sister and her husband around, but you wouldn’t use it when we were helping the sand sloths to find a sandpit.”

  “Kathy and Peter don’t smell.”

  “You obviously haven’t been around Kathy after one of her yoga sessions.”

  As soon as Jack’s programme had ended, I grabbed the remote control. “I want to watch—err—the news.”

  “Since when did you watch the morning news?”

  “I often do. You know I like to keep abreast of current affairs.”

  When he’d left the room, I switched to the shopping channel. I didn’t have to wait long before Grandma’s infomercial aired. Seeing the aged version of myself wasn’t a pleasant experience, so I focussed on the sales ticker at the bottom of the screen. The number of units sold was already into four figures. At sixty-pounds a pop, Grandma had to be coining it, but I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen once the customers had tried the cream, and realised that it couldn’t perform the miracles shown in the advert.