Witch Is How Berries Tasted Good (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 26)

by Adele Abbott

  “That’s you, I suppose?”

  “Who else? There’s nothing this cat doesn’t know about social media.”

  “That’s as maybe, but I have to see these guys now that Grandma has arranged the meeting.”

  “Your loss.”

  ***

  Thirty minutes later, two hipsters, complete with cropped trousers and beards, breezed into my office.

  “Thanks for coming to see me. I’m Jill.”

  “Fantastic! I’m Nick.”

  “Brilliant! I’m Dom.”

  “Dom an’ Nick.” I laughed.

  They looked totally nonplussed. Trendy they might be, but they obviously lacked the ability to appreciate humour of the intellectual type.

  “Would you both like a drink?”

  “That would be super.” Dom fizzed with enthusiasm. “I’ll have a decaf latte with an extra shot and cream, please.”

  “A tall, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle for me.” Nick stroked his beard.

  “Actually, we only have filter coffee. Or tea?”

  They exchanged a puzzled look, and then both declined the offer.

  “Okay, Jill,” Nick rested his elbows on my desk. “Your grandmother told us you don’t have any kind of social media presence.” He laughed. “I assume she was joking.”

  “Err—no, that’s right. I’ve never actually got around to it.”

  “But you have a website, right?” Dom leaned forward now, too; it was beginning to feel like an interrogation.

  “Sort of. At least I think it’s still there.”

  “You don’t know? What’s the URL?”

  “I can’t actually remember. It was very long. Geo something, I think.”

  “Oh dear.” Dom shook his head.

  “Oh dear, oh dear.” Nick sighed.

  “It’s something I’ve been meaning to sort out for some time.”

  “No worries, we’re here now.” Dom looked around the room. “What exactly is it you do, Jill?”

  “I’m a private investigator.”

  “Fantastic!” Nick said.

  “Brilliant!” Dom could hardly contain himself. “I’m sure we can do something with that.” He took out his phone. “Do you have a magnifying glass you could hold?”

  “No.”

  “Not to worry.” He snapped a photo of me. “We can use Photoshop to add one.”

  “What about a bloodhound?” Nick said. “Do you have one of those?”

  “No, just a cat.” I pointed to Winky who was lying on the sofa (thankfully, minus the jacket and bow tie).

  “Definitely not.” Nick pulled a face. “He’s much too ugly. No matter, we can add a bloodhound too.”

  “I’m not sure about the magnifying glass and bloodhound,” I said, but neither of them was listening.

  “We’ll start with a new website, Facebook page, Instagram and Twitter.” Dom began to tap notes into his phone. “The rest can follow later.”

  “That sounds like a lot of work.”

  “Don’t worry. We’re going to sort it all out for you.”

  “What will it cost me?”

  “Your grandmother has taken care of that.”

  “She has? Are you sure?”

  “Positive.”

  “Great. So, what happens next?”

  “We’ll go away and get everything set up, then come back and show you when we’ve finished.”

  “I imagine that’s going to take some time?”

  “With a bit of luck, we should be back to show you what we’ve done by the end of next week.”

  “Really? That quick? That’s great.”

  “I thought that went very well,” I said to Winky, after they’d left.

  “Pah.” He snorted. “They didn’t impress me.”

  “You’re just annoyed because he called you ugly.”

  “I wouldn’t entrust my social media presence to a couple of kids who can’t even buy the right size trousers.”

  “I’m looking forward to seeing what they come up with. The only thing that worries me is why Grandma has paid for all of this. She must be up to something.”

  ***

  I was ferrying my velvet-jacketed, bow tie sporting cat, across town to the speed dating event. As you do.

  “Put your foot down!” he shouted from the back seat. “I don’t want to be late.”

  “Shut it! Think yourself lucky I’m doing this at all.”

  “That’s it!” he called out. “Over there.”

  “Where?”

  “The ballroom. With the big pink sign.”

  I pulled into the car park of The Roxy Ballroom. “Are you sure this is the place? It doesn’t even look open.”

  “This is it. Let me out.”

  As soon as I opened the back door, he jumped out, and began to rush towards the building.

  “What am I supposed to do while you’re in there?” I called after him.

  “Wait in the car. It only lasts two hours.”

  “Do you have to stay that long?” I was wasting my breath because he’d already disappeared around the back of the building.

  Annoyed at myself for being such an idiot, I climbed back into the car and turned on the radio. It was going to be a long two hours.

  I almost jumped out of my skin when, a few minutes later, someone knocked on the window. The young witch gestured for me to wind it down.

  “Hi,” she said. “Are you waiting for your cat too?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I saw you from across the road. There’s a few of us in the café over there. Do you want to come and join us?”

  “Sure.” I climbed out of the car.

  “I’m Debbie.”

  “Jill. Nice to meet you.”

  “Is this your first time?”

  “Yeah. Last one too, I hope.”

  In the café, two tables had been pushed together. Around them, a number of witches and wizards were seated. It turned out that they were all waiting for their cats who were at the speed dating event. It seemed that Winky wasn’t the only demanding feline, and I wasn’t the only mug in Washbridge.

  The two hours flew by much quicker than I’d expected, as we all bemoaned our lot.

  “They’re out!” Debbie pointed.

  Across the road, a number of cats were now in the car park, so we all said our goodbyes.

  “See you all next time,” Dennis, a middle-aged wizard shouted.

  “Not me,” I said. “This is definitely a one-off.”

  “That’s what they all say.”

  “Where have you been?” Winky demanded.

  “I was across the road in the café.”

  “I’ve been waiting here for twenty minutes.”

  “Did you come out early?”

  “Yeah, it was a dead loss. Full of boring, needy females. Not a looker amongst them.”

  “Does that mean you won’t be coming again?”

  “No chance. It was a total waste of my time and sartorial efforts.”

  “That’s a real shame.”

  ***

  By the time I’d dropped Winky back at the office and driven home, I was dead on my feet. Even though I’d grabbed a packet of crisps in the café, I was starving, and very much looking forward to the dinner that Jack had promised to have waiting for me.

  “I’m home!” I shouted. “I hope dinner’s ready because I’m starving. And would you believe it, after all that, the stupid cat didn’t even enjoy the speed dating.”

  Jack appeared, red-faced, in the doorway of the lounge, desperately running his finger back and forth across his throat. “Hello, darling. We have guests.”

  “Guests?” I mouthed.

  “The Makers: Pauline and Shawn. Come and say hello.”

  I followed him into the lounge where our neighbours were seated on the sofa—they both looked puzzled.

  “Hi, you two. This is a nice surprise.”

  “Hello, Jill.” Pauline smiled.

  “Did you just say you’d taken your
cat to speed dating?” Shawn said.

  If there was a good way to talk myself out of that situation, I sure as heck didn’t know what it was, so I did the only thing I could, and cast the ‘forget’ spell.

  “I’ll go back outside and come in again,” I said to Jack while the Makers were still coming around.

  “Okay.”

  Take two.

  “Hi, I’m home,” I called from the hall.

  “Hi, darling. We have guests.”

  Chapter 11

  “Making breakfast for me is the least you can do.” I pushed Jack out of bed.

  “What did I do?”

  “You were supposed to be making dinner for me last night.”

  “It was hardly my fault that we had guests.”

  “You invited them in.”

  “What was I supposed to do? Tell them to get lost?”

  “How come all of our neighbours turn out to be nutters?” I yawned.

  “The Makers seem alright to me.”

  “Really? What about all the whack job inventions he told us about?”

  “I thought the voice-activated toaster sounded like a good idea.”

  “What good is a toaster that can only toast one side of the bread?”

  “He did say it was still in development.”

  “And what was that waterless washing machine nonsense?”

  “Conserving water has to be a good thing.”

  “Agreed, but what’s the point of a washing machine that shreds your clothes?”

  “He said there were a few teething problems.”

  “Admit it, Jack, the man’s a head-case. Pauline seems okay, though. Apart from her choice of partner.”

  “People say exactly the same thing about me.” He grinned.

  “Watch it!” I launched a pillow at his head.

  “I thought you said we were going in your car today?”

  “We were, but then Kathy rang and said we could go in theirs.”

  “That’s not like her. She must be up to something.”

  “I don’t know why you always think the worst of your sister.”

  “You haven’t known her as long as I have.”

  “How many sausages do you want?”

  “Just a couple, like always.”

  “That’ll be three then, will it?”

  “Obviously. And make sure the bacon is crispy.”

  “Do you mean crispy? Or do you mean burnt to a cinder like you usually have it?”

  “Think charcoal.”

  “That’s what I thought. It’ll be nice to have breakfast made for us tomorrow morning.”

  “Are you sure you still want to go to this stupid haunted hotel? I could call Kathy and tell her you’ve come down with the lurgy.”

  “Don’t you dare. I’m looking forward to a night away.” He started for the bedroom door. “Don’t fall back to sleep while I’m making breakfast.”

  “As if I would.”

  I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about getting Jack to make breakfast because he’d let me down badly the previous night. After a long day, which had included cat-chauffeuring, I’d expected dinner to be waiting for me when I arrived home. Instead, I’d had to entertain the Makers for an hour, and then make do with a takeaway pizza.

  ***

  “They’re here!” Jack shouted from the lounge. “Kathy’s driving, and it looks like she’s got a new car.”

  “What?” I joined him at the window. “That’s why she wanted us to go in their car, so she could show off. It’s not five minutes since she bought the last one.”

  “It’s nice.”

  “How come I haven’t got a new car?”

  “If the marketing assistance that your grandmother is giving you pays dividends, you’ll be able to have a new car soon. Come on, we don’t want to keep them waiting.”

  “What do you think of it?” Kathy said.

  “What?”

  “My new car, of course.”

  “Oh, right. I hadn’t noticed. It’s very nice.” I climbed into the front passenger seat next to her; Jack got in the back with Peter.

  “Isn’t it about time you traded in that old wreck of yours?” Kathy glanced at my car, on the driveway.

  “There’s nothing wrong with it.”

  “Nothing that a crusher wouldn’t sort out.”

  “How come you can afford to keep swapping your car?”

  “Pete’s business is doing really well now, and the shop is doing much better than our best predictions.”

  “I’ll be getting a new car soon, anyway. I’m just waiting until I see the right one.” Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Jack’s puzzled expression.

  “Are we going or what?” Peter said.

  Kathy flicked the indicator (or as Mrs V would have it: the flasher), and off we set. “Haunted hotel, here we come!”

  Yay! (Not!)

  Two hours later, we were on a road which was little more than a farm track.

  “Are you sure it’s on this road?” I looked out at a field full of cows.

  “That’s what the SatNav says.” Kathy didn’t sound very confident.

  “Your destination is on your right.” The obnoxious SatNav voice informed us.

  “I can’t see anything,” I said.

  “There!” Kathy pointed.

  “I still can’t see it. All I can see is that building that looks like it’s about to collapse.”

  “That must be it. Look, there’s a sign.”

  “Rat Home Manor Hotel?”

  “I think you’ll find it’s Rathome.” Kathy pulled into the car park.

  “We can’t possibly stay here.” I wound down the window to get a better look. “It looks like it might fall down at any moment.”

  “It’s fine.” Kathy was already getting out of the car. “It all adds to the haunted hotel atmosphere.”

  “Jack, Peter.” I turned to them. “Tell her this is crazy.”

  “It’ll be okay.” Peter got out of the car and joined Kathy.

  “Jack?” I implored.

  “Come on. It’ll be fun.”

  “Traitor!”

  I hoped that once we were inside it might look better.

  It didn’t.

  “Welcome to the Rathome Manor Hotel.” The woman behind the small reception desk looked as though she’d just time-travelled from the Victorian era. “I’m Euphemia, but everyone calls me Effie. My husband, Efren, sends his apologies that he can’t be here to greet you, but he had to go into town for supplies.”

  “How far away is the nearest town?” I said.

  “Just under twenty miles. We’re rather out in the sticks here.”

  “Do you have electricity and running water?” I was beginning to panic.

  “Yes, of course. We have our own generator and there’s a well out back.”

  “A well?”

  “Just kidding.” She laughed. “We’re on the mains.”

  Kathy kicked my foot, and said in a hushed voice, “Stop showing us up.”

  “I’ll take you to your rooms.” Effie came out from behind the desk. “I’ve put you in adjoining bedrooms on the top floor. We’re unusually quiet this weekend—there’s just one other couple staying with us. Would you like to follow me?” She led the way up a creaking, winding staircase to the top floor.

  “Who would like the Phantom Suite?”

  “We’ll take that.” Kathy took one set of keys from her.

  “That leaves the Poltergeist Suite for you two.” Effie handed Jack the other set of keys. “I’ll leave you to settle in. Dinner is at seven-thirty. If you need anything, just give me a shout.” She started back down the stairs. “And look out for the ghosts.”

  “There’s no wonder Kathy got a two-for-one voucher for this dump,” I said, once Jack and I were in our room.

  “There’s nothing wrong with this room.” He put the case on the bed. “I’ve stayed in a lot worse.”

  “You’d think they could afford to put the heating
on, wouldn’t you? And, did you hear her say that we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere?”

  “So? The whole point of coming away was to enjoy the peace and quiet of the countryside, and the experience of a haunted hotel.”

  “Haunted hotel, my bum.”

  “I take it you haven’t seen any ghosts yet, then?”

  “Of course I haven’t. I told you—this is all a big con.”

  “Come on.” Jack opened the suitcase. “Help me unpack.”

  “Do we really have to stay?”

  “I’m staying. You can hitchhike home if you want to.”

  Twenty minutes later, Kathy popped her head around our door. “Settling in?”

  “Is it freezing cold in your room too?” I said.

  “That’s just the ghosts.”

  “Rubbish. The owners are too tight-fisted to put the heating on. Why don’t we go and find a proper hotel in the nearest city?”

  “Stop moaning, Jill. Why can’t you just enjoy the experience?”

  “I’m too cold.”

  “You’re exaggerating as usual. It’s a beautiful day.”

  “Out there, maybe, but it feels like the North Pole in here.”

  “Pete thought it would be a good idea for us all to go for a walk. It’ll give us an appetite for dinner.”

  “That’s a great idea.” Jack gushed.

  “Walk where to?” I said. “There’s nowhere within walking distance.”

  “According to Effie, there’s a public right of way that runs close by the hotel. We’ll be able to take in the peace and quiet of the countryside.”

  “Are you being serious?” I said.

  “Yeah, we’ll meet you downstairs in ten minutes.”

  “We’ll be there.” Jack blurted out.

  “Have you lost your mind?” I said, once we were alone. “Why did you say we’d go with them?”

  “A nice walk in the countryside will do us both good. You’re wound up like a spring—this will help you relax.”

  “How can I relax? I’ll be too busy trying to dodge cowpats.”

  I was wasting my breath as usual. How was it that whenever Jack and I were with Kathy and Peter, I was always in the minority? I’ll tell you why—because my husband always sided with them—he was a traitor. I should have turned him into a cockroach when I had the chance.