Becoming Bea

by Leslie Gould

  “Bea!” she said. Leon was right behind her. He stepped around Mamm and toward the horse, saying a quick hello to me. Then he took over caring for Thunder.

  Mamm hugged me, holding on to me. I didn’t push away from her though—I just hugged her back as hard as I could.

  When we pulled away, we both had tears in our eyes. “I’m so glad you’re home,” I said. And I meant it. I’d missed her more than I realized. Love stepped next to us, first thumping Mamm with her tail and then me.

  Mamm laughed. “Love is happy to have us all home too.”

  My mother stepped backward, her hands on my shoulders. “You look well,” she said. “I think working for the Millers has suited you.”

  “Jah,” I said. “It’s been a good experience. I’m needed there.” Not wanting to sound prideful, I hurried on. “I mean, I know they could have hired anyone, but I’m privileged to help them. You were right. Taking care of a Boppli . . . well, Bopplis”—in my head I thought, Tropplis—“is the most important work in the world.”

  “Oh, gut,” Mamm said. “I’m thankful it’s been the right thing.” She put her arm around my waist as we walked toward the house. “But I hope you know how much we need you here too. You’ve contributed so much to running our home all these years.”

  Did she expect me to come home soon—after Molly had wanted me to get a job so badly and I’d finally complied? Before I could answer her, Molly was on the other side of me. “We have some news to share,” she said. “But I’ll wait until supper. We haven’t told Edna either.”

  Molly shot a knowing look over my head to Mamm, but our mother didn’t respond. Instead a serious expression settled over her face as she looked straight ahead.

  Chapter

  15

  After Leon led the blessing, we all dug into Edna’s roasted chicken, cooked in a broth flavored with balsamic vinegar, honey, and rosemary. She explained it was a new recipe she’d come across, in a fancy cookbook. It was delicious, but I enjoyed it mostly because I hadn’t cooked it. I appreciated the break.

  “Do you want help returning the horse and buggy tonight?” Molly asked me.

  Puzzled, I said, “Oh, I don’t need to take it back tonight. I’ll take it tomorrow morning, when I return.”

  “Return?”

  “Jah,” I said. “They’ll need me until Cate’s baby comes and gets settled, I’m guessing. Maybe longer.”

  “They’ll have to find someone else,” Molly said.

  I shook my head. “No. I like it there.”

  Molly scooped a spoonful of mashed potatoes onto her plate and then looked up at me with a huge smile spreading across her face. “It might work for another week or so, but wait until you hear our news.”

  “What news?” Edna asked.

  Molly passed the potatoes to Leon. “Actually, we have two things we want to share. The first is that I’m going to have a Boppli.”

  A wave of joy swept over me. We were going to have a little one in the family! I was going to be an Aenti! Molly was going to be a mother! I’d never felt so happy for her in my entire life.

  “That’s wonderful!” Before I realized it, I was on my feet making my way around the table, hugging her. Edna followed me, hugging first Leon and then Molly. I simply slapped Leon on the back.

  It took a couple of minutes for us all to settle back down. When we did, Edna said, “What’s the second thing you wanted to tell us?”

  I’d forgotten there were two things. One was quite enough.

  “Well . . . ” Molly glanced at Leon. “We’re going to be moving. To Montana.”

  “What?” I wailed. “You can’t leave when you’re going to have a baby. How could you do that to us?”

  She grinned. “Don’t be silly. We wouldn’t do that.”

  “Wait,” I said, my heart stopping. “Who’s moving to Montana?”

  “All of us.” Molly looked at Edna. “Well, not you, Edna, unless you want to.”

  “Mamm,” I gasped. “Are you moving to Montana?”

  “Jah,” she said. “And so are you.”

  I inhaled sharply.

  A pained expression passed across Mamm’s face as she looked at me. “This probably wasn’t the best way to tell you, was it?”

  “She’ll be fine,” Molly said.

  I couldn’t go to Montana. But where would I live here? I couldn’t live by myself on our farm. I’d need a place until Ben and I married. My face grew warm at the thought—but I might as well be honest with myself. That was the trajectory we were on. Maybe the Millers would let me stay there, whether they needed me or not.

  “I can’t move,” I managed to say.

  Molly bristled. “Why not? It’s not like you have a life here.”

  I couldn’t tell her all of that had changed—not now, not this way. “That doesn’t mean I want to move to Montana.”

  “You’ll love it,” Molly said. “It’s so beautiful. Much better than I thought it would be.”

  “What about our farm?” I asked.

  Neither Mamm nor Molly answered for a moment. Finally Mamm said, “We’ll have to sell it.”

  Edna gasped. But then, she said, “I’m sorry. It’s not my business.”

  “No,” Mamm said. “It is your business. It’s a family farm, after all.”

  Molly speared a piece of chicken and passed the platter on to Leon.

  He took it, concentrating on getting a slice of chicken onto his plate, his head hanging low.

  Molly frowned as she ladled gravy over her potatoes. Obviously the conversation wasn’t going as she’d planned.

  We ate in silence for a long stretch.

  Then Molly spoke, as if the conversation had continued along, saying, “It’s just that I want all of us to be together. You too, Edna, if you’d want to move. I can’t imagine us being separated.”

  I wanted to shout that I couldn’t imagine living in Montana, but the new and improved Bea didn’t respond at all. I’d wait until I calmed down.

  Finally, at the end of the meal, after Leon had led us in a final prayer and Molly and Edna began clearing the table, I whispered to Mamm, “Can we talk? Just you and me?”

  She nodded and then said, “Bea and I are going out to the porch for a chat.”

  Molly gave Mamm a sympathetic look as we stood. I took a deep breath. The old me would have been sure Molly felt sorry for Mamm for having to deal with grouchy old me. But I wasn’t going to jump to that conclusion, not now.

  Mamm and I put on our capes, she grabbed her quilt from the back of the couch, and we settled on the settee. Mamm spread the quilt over both of our laps. Nightfall had given way to the stars, shining so bright it seemed as if I should be able to pluck them from the sky.

  Mamm put her arm around me and pulled me close. “Child,” she said, “I missed you so much.”

  Tears flooded my eyes. I’d missed her too, but we needed to talk. “I don’t understand what’s going on,” I said. “I thought Molly and Leon were going to stay in Lancaster. Why did you agree to sell the farm and go with them?”

  My mother sighed but said nothing. Finally she started to speak, then stopped.

  “Mamm?”

  “Montana was lovely. Leon’s parents are very nice people. They’ve found a horse ranch for Leon and Molly to buy. Because of Leon’s experience, there seems to be a market for his work. When they decided to relocate and I found out Molly was pregnant, it seemed like the right thing to do.”

  I doubted Molly purposefully used her baby to manipulate Mamm, but I could see how it would have an influence.

  “They didn’t ask me to, but I know the sale of our farm would help them buy the place.” She paused for a moment. “Of course I wouldn’t give them all the money. You and I would need some of it too, for our home.”

  “And where did you plan for us to live?”

  “We’d build a small cabin on Molly and Leon’s ranch.”

  “And what did Molly plan for me to do?”

  “Wha
t you’ve done here. The cooking. The cleaning.”

  “But there aren’t very many Youngie in Montana—right?”

  “Some, but Molly pointed out that you’ve never wanted to marry or have a family of your own. She felt you would be perfectly content to move to Montana.”

  I sank against the back of the settee.

  Mamm pulled her arm away from me and asked, “What is it, Beatrice? What’s changed?”

  “Everything,” I answered, shifting away from her.

  I explained how much I loved caring for the babies. Although taking care of three tripled the work, it also tripled the joy.

  Even in the darkness I could see her face brighten. “That’s wonderful,” she said. “And you’ll have that opportunity with Molly’s baby.”

  “I want that opportunity with my own babies,” I said.

  Mamm chuckled a little. “Well, you’d have to want a husband, then.”

  “I do,” I said.

  “Sweetheart,” she said, leaning toward me. She’d never called me that before, and her voice had a hope in it I hadn’t heard her use with me. “That’s wonderful. God could very likely have that future husband for you in Montana.”

  I frowned.

  “What?” Mamm inched closer to me.

  “At the Millers’ place, the boys working in the shop and Hope and me, and even Hannah, who’s been staying at the Cramers’ farm, have been having a great time. For the first time in my life, I feel part of a community.”

  Mamm didn’t respond. I think she was beginning to see the picture.

  “In fact,” I said, “Ben and I have . . . patched our differences.”

  “Ben Rupp?”

  “Jah,” I said.

  She chuckled. “I thought you . . . despised him.”

  My face grew warm. “I acted like I did, but I didn’t. Not really.”

  “Bea,” she said, putting her arm around my shoulders again. “What are you telling me?”

  “We’ve been spending time together. Yesterday we went to the bookstore, just the two of us.”

  “Oh,” she said, as if she grasped the significance of the two of us going to my favorite place.

  “It’s his favorite place too,” I explained. “And then when we got back to the Millers’ home he helped me with the babies and then supper. He’s a gut man.”

  “I suspected that all along,” Mamm said.

  I shivered. “I can talk to him in a way I haven’t been able to with anyone I’ve ever known.”

  Mamm’s voice was low. “Oh, goodness. So you love him, then?”

  My face fell to my hands and I began to cry. “Jah, I think I do.”

  “Goodness,” Mamm said. “I didn’t see this coming. I mean it’s gut, right? What a blessing.” Her voice fell to nearly a whisper. “And yet, what a problem too.”

  We’d gained an hour with the time change, meaning it was light by six thirty. I didn’t mean to sleep in, but I did, awakened by the first rays of sunshine through my window. After dressing, I stood at my bedroom window, wrapped in a shawl, looking over our flower farm. The changing shrubs and bushes were a hundred different shades of green, gold, red, and orange. The ornamental plum trees had completely lost their leaves weeks ago. The field of mums needed to be cleared and tilled, ready for annuals to be planted in the spring.

  I stepped closer to the window. The gray kitten, who had grown lanky and fast, darted out of the barn and out into the flower field. Molly was out by the nursery trees, talking to someone. He wasn’t tall enough to be Leon. Another man headed toward them, from the Mosiers’ property. Mervin. That meant she was talking to Martin. Both of the twins wore their aviator glasses.

  My room was cold. The temperature had definitely dropped.

  Martin headed back toward their place, but Mervin stopped and talked with Molly. A moment later Leon joined them. Love bounded toward them, barked, and then took off after the gray kitten, who paid her no mind. Love chased a crow instead, but once it landed in the walnut tree, the dog headed back toward the house, where I couldn’t see her.

  The smell of bacon frying drew me away from the window and coaxed me down the stairs. When I reached the kitchen, Edna asked if I wanted a cup of tea.

  “That’s exactly what I want,” I answered, grabbing a mug from the cupboard. “Where’s Mamm?”

  “Sleeping in, I hope,” Edna said. “I think that trip wore her out.”

  I could’ve kicked myself. I hadn’t noticed. I’d been so absorbed in my own problems. After I poured my tea, I asked Edna if Mamm was all right.

  “I think so, just overtired,” she answered as she flipped the bacon.

  Edna’s eyes appeared red around the rims. “How about you?” I asked, pouring milk from the little pitcher on the counter into my tea.

  “Ach, I’m all right,” she said. “Although still in shock from Molly’s announcement—not about the Boppli. I’m overjoyed about that. But the thought of any of you, but especially you and your Mamm moving to Montana . . .” She took a deep breath, put the fork on the stove, and waved her hand in front of her face. “Well, I didn’t see that coming at all.”

  “I didn’t either,” I said. “I’d rather Molly didn’t move out there—our family is so small it only seems right we should stay in the same place. But if she’s set on going, then so be it. But I don’t think I could bear to have Mamm go.”

  Edna nodded in agreement. “Did you tell her about what’s been going on between you and—” Edna’s hands flew over her mouth.

  “What?”

  She shook her head. “I shouldn’t even know this,” she said, speaking through her splayed fingers.

  I put my tea on the counter and pulled her hands down.

  Edna practically whispered, “Nell told me.”

  “Oh,” I said. “About Ben?” I wasn’t surprised. Nell had been looking for it to happen when I’d seen her last. Now that it had, of course she knew. Hope would have told Martin, who told Mervin, who told Hannah, who told Nell.

  Edna nodded.

  “It’s okay.” I leaned against the counter. “Everyone is bound to know sooner or later. I told Mamm last night.”

  “And?”

  I shrugged. “She said we had a problem.”

  Voices outside distracted us. The back door opened and Molly and Leon, followed by Mervin, tumbled into the kitchen. “Where’s Mamm?” Molly asked, slipping out of her cape.

  “She’s not up yet,” Edna answered. “Why?”

  “Because . . .” Molly gestured toward Mervin. “We’ve found a buyer for the farm.”

  Edna’s hands flew to her mouth once again, while I froze, as if stuck to the counter.

  “Well, I don’t know if I can buy it for sure,” Mervin said. “I’ll need help. But I think I have a great uncle who can assist me. I’ll need to talk to him first.”

  “Isn’t that wonderful?” It was as if Molly hadn’t heard Mervin. She looked from Edna to me. “My plan is moving forward even faster than I thought it would. We’ll be on our way to Montana in no time.”

  Leon cleared his throat.

  “What?” Molly turned toward him.

  “Look at your sisters.” His voice was quiet and even. “They’re having a hard time with this.”

  She looked from Edna to me and then said, “Oh.” She stepped toward me and gave me a hug. I attempted to hug her back, but it was half an effort. Then she hugged Edna, who did better than I had. But after Edna pulled away she began to cry.

  “Oh, goodness,” Molly said, tears filling her own eyes. “I had no idea this would be so hard. Please come with us, Edna. You’ll always have a home with us.”

  My oldest sister shook her head. “I’m too old for a move like that. . . .”

  “But if Mamm can adjust, surely you can too.”

  Edna didn’t reply with words but simply shook her head.

  “Give it some time,” Molly said. “This will all work out. We’ll soon know what’s best.”

  Mervin c
leared his throat and then said, “I should get going. I don’t want to miss breakfast.”

  As Molly and Leon walked him outside, I asked Edna what I could do to help.

  “Don’t move,” she said. “If your Mamm decides to go, you could stay with me. You know, until . . .”

  I nodded. “I’m not going to leave Lancaster. There’s no way Ben would move to Montana. I’m not going to give up my one chance at happiness.”

  Edna put her arm around me. “That’s my girl.”

  “Now, what can I do to help with breakfast?”

  She chuckled. “I forgot what I was doing.” She turned back toward the stove and jumped a little, as if surprised by the crisp bacon. She quickly turned off the burner. “Mix up some pancake batter,” she said. “I’ll get the griddle out.”

  By the time we had breakfast fixed, Mamm came down the stairs and stepped into the kitchen. “How are you doing?” I asked as I turned toward her.

  “Fine,” she answered, but she wasn’t. Her eyes were as red rimmed as Edna’s.

  After breakfast, Molly and Leon headed back outside, while Mamm, Edna, and I washed and dried the dishes.

  “It really did seem like a good idea when we were in Montana,” Mamm said, as she scrubbed a plate. “I felt the most important thing was for us to be together. I had this fantasy that you would come too, Edna. Ivan and Nell seem so happy here—I didn’t think they’d miss us much.” Her eyes filled with tears again.

  “Now, now,” Edna said, putting one hand around Mamm as the other held a glass.

  Mamm continued. “I never dreamt that you, Bea, would be courting someone here. You always said you never planned to marry.”

  I had said that—many times. I didn’t need to be reminded, again and again. But why had she believed me? Wasn’t it obvious that I was wounded? And immature? “I was pretty convincing, wasn’t I?”

  Mamm frowned. “You certainly were.”

  “What are we going to do?” I asked.

  “Pray,” Mamm said. “And wait. There’s no reason to rush into leaving or staying. Let’s see how God leads us.”

  Mamm was right. The old Bea would have marched outside and told Molly off. The new Bea wasn’t going to do that.